"and then I spanked you with my lacrosse trophy from 1997..."

Last night I performed at Schaffer the Dark Lord's variety show, "The Dark Show", at Apocalypse Lounge.

It's hard to see out into the audience when you're under the bright lights dominating a tiny stage in your six-inch heeled platform boots holding the mic with both hands, orating about sadomasochism. But Schaffer tells me the crowd dug my act, to the point of alternately laughing and gasping.

The guy before me sang a song called "NYU Girls Wouldn't Talk to Me if I Were on Fire and Had a Bag of Money". Eric Walton, practitioner of the magical arts, was far too debonair for his surroundings and can be my Dread Pirate Roberts anyday.

We were also treated to a performance by Dr. Powernozzle and Eugene the Human Doormat. They have the worst website ever. During their act, Dr. Powernozzle vacuums, steps on, and verbally abuses Eugene, the human doormat, and this is indeed funny, except that Eugene is a creepy middle-aged man who repeatedly informed me that I, too, could vacuum and step on him should I choose.

Incidentally, I attract a great deal of attention from male submissives, and there's absolutely no way I'm stepping on someone's face without getting paid a whole freaking lot of money.

I will return to The Dark Show on Wednesday, Dec. 1 -- save the date!