you missed JIGSAWLON and I'll bet whatever you were doing wasn't nearly as good, unless it involved sex with celebrities

JIGSAWLON last night was an occasion marked by

• my getting there before anyone else and hanging out with proprietor benjones on his couch, drinking wine
  
• browsing through a zombie comic book called LOVE EATS BRAINS
  
• really wanting to buy a robot painting
  
• other people arriving, and me teaching this guy how to box after we started talking about Muhammad Ali in "When We Were Kings," and I explained what a right cross was and why it was awesome
  
• me spilling wine on my shirt
  
• ben giving me some club soda and me going into the bathroom and taking the shirt off and trying to get the wine out
  
• ben giving me one of his shirts to wear
  
• ben suggesting that if the club soda didn't work, I could try white wine, and that he had some in his fridge
  
• me getting the white wine from the fridge and commenting that it was sort of like I was his girlfriend, since I was wearing his big, half buttoned man-shirt and going through his fridge
  
• me breaking the cork off in the bottle of wine and proclaiming myself the worst girlfriend ever
  
• some older British gay guys coming in to look at the art, and leaving before my reading
  
• us saying "bollocks!" a lot after they left
  
• my demanding an opening act
  
• ben pulling out a tiny guitar and performing a song about how amazing it is to take a shower
  
• ben giving me a megaphone to talk into, and me being surprised that megaphones use an electric charge
  
• my commenting to the cool girl in the Superman shirt that I thought megaphones were just simple machines, like levers and pulleys
  
• me sitting on the steps and starting my reading by explaining to the rapt little crowd of strangers sitting on the floor that I was wearing ben's shirt, but I totally didn't sleep with him
  
• me reading "Headless," a comic monologue from my CD, and people laughing many more times than normal, and me wondering if my comic timing had improved or if people were just drunk
  
• somebody buying my CD
  
• me moving back down to the couch and testing out some new jokes
  
• me talking about my adventures posting fake ads to Craigslist, and then me ending up reading from "Don't Believe Everything on Craigslist," also on my CD
  
• leaving Jigsaw, and chatting with the guy who bought my CD; I asked what he did, and he said "What don't I do?" and since he was clearly gay, I said "Eat pussy?" and he was like "You are so right!" and we agreed on this point and high-fived
  
• it turned out that he actually ran some kind of construction company in Jersey, which is the least gay occupation ever
  
• however, he also runs a hot sauce company
  
• benjones bought me some dumplings
  
• and we ate our dumplings on a bench, under the streetlights, and I was drunk and happy
  

The end.