forbidden comedy topics!

Some jokes are simply forbidden on comedy club stages. Not jokes about sex or bodily functions or race or politics or rape or abortion (your mama's so dumb she tried to abort you with a plastic hanger!) No....

As the cowboy once said at a comedy show "Are all comedians temp workers?" You certainly hear a lot of "I was laid off" and "I got turned down for unemployment" and "I live with my parents."

Here are some jokes you absolutely may not tell in a comedy club:

• I just did my taxes. Everybody hates that, right? You know what really sucks? When your stock options finally vest, and you cash them in just to end up in a higher tax bracket! It's like you're being punished for making money! How much sense does that make?!
  
  
• I asked my secretary -- wait, no, I told my secretary -- to get me a pastrami on wheat, and you know what she came back with? A Reuben! It's so hard to find good help. Women can't even buy sandwiches these days.
  
  
• You know what sucks? When your investments are only making 16% -- but the year-to-date market index is up 22.45%! What does my broker think I mean by "aggressive investing" -- I want a savings account at North Fork? Where did he go to school, Cornell? I hear that school's half public!

Update: I cleaned this post up really nice and titled it "Proof of the Qualities We Value in Standup Comedians," and got it totally rejected by McSweeney's.