Comedy Show and Tell: the play-by-play

The first-ever Comedy Show & Tell this past Monday went fantastically, especially for being planned as an emergency measure to fill an empty spot at the bar. The idea has now graduated to full-time status and will take place every other Monday, alternating with the spelling bee.

Here is a picture of me this past Monday dressed like a seventies schoolteacher (vintage polyester!), in keeping with the show and tell theme:



Here's how it went, as best I can remember:

• My show and tell item was a copy of Marie Claire magazine, featuring an article entitled "These 25 Men Want to Marry You!" At least one doesn't -- I dated him, and happen to know that he's busy using Nerve to set up threesomes (not with me). Go show and tell!
  
• Comic Liz Miele (pictured at right) has "a great rack for a twelve-year old." A very funny comic.
  
• The cowboy did some show and tell of his broken collarbone and the fake cab information he received at the scene of the accident.
  
• Dan Allen did a long show and tell of I don't even remember what, but it was so long that by the time he started his set his time was nearly done, but he was very funny so I gave him another minute or two. He is also extremely tall.
  
• Audience member Marc did some amazing show and tell -- he brought a mounted and backlit taxidermied Chinese hairy fish. Really.
  
• Shawn Hollenbach is a twin with a secret to tell. A fantastic set from this Mintyfresh producer.
  
• Al Wagner showed his baby's shrunken umbilical cord stump, in a jar, and did his set while we passed it around.
  
• Megan showed us all a goofy sound-producing novelty item from her office, and Sarah showed us some rocks from the seashore, in true old-fashioned show and tell style.
  
• Jesse Joyce commented that when most people say "gentleman," they don't really mean it. ("This gentleman is very upset that we have no vacancy, so he called me a vindictive whore, threatned to murder everyone in the building and then took a dump in the fountain." Manager: "Which gentleman? The gentleman who is currently giving me the finger and pressing his cock against the glass doors?")
  
• Michelle Buteau (at right) showed up at the last minute and started shaking her booty at us early on into the set, which was a great start. Watch for her upcoming Premium Blend special on Comedy Central!
  

Whew! The next show will be Monday, September 12, 7:30, at Pete's! Save the date, and bring something to show!

snarky

So, I'm a member of this modeling website where wannabe-models often post questions like "I'm 5'2 and 35 years old -- do you think I could do high-fashion in Europe?" This particular discussion was about models with tattoos. I wrote:

I have a tattoo on my stomach and up over my left breast that is a picture of the nation of Armenia, with depictions of victims of famine and genocide. Over the bellybutton is a replica of a Purple Heart medal. Also, I like when models are so thin you can see their spines, so I had the outlines of my vertebra tattooed over my real vertebra up and down my back.

I also have a glass eye, but it's never been a problem -- the glass eye always points in one direction, so I just make sure to look the same direction in the photos. If the photographer's like "Look over here," I say, "Dude, it's the whole head or nothing. What, do you hate disabled people?"

Overall, girls, there really are a lot of models with tattoos, hunchbacks, major surgical scars, pattern baldness, dwarfism, and cerebral palsy. The only important thing is to FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!

those Japanese....

I used to joke to my SAT students that if they all studied enough and their scores went way up, I would win a free toaster from the company, and I really need one, because all my bread is cold and floppy.

Normally, the kids laugh, but in this case, at least one gullible student believed it, so I continued, explaining that the toaster actually branded the company logo into the bread, so the swoosh under the company name would hold lovely rivulets of butter.

Finally, less gullible students clued in the more gullible ones, and we all had a laugh. At the end of the class, one of the students drew me a picture (which all the other students signed) of such a toaster, with logo-branded toast popping out of it.

And now, months later, a student emailed me with this photo:

cupcakes

Rachel Kramer Bussel runs an entire blog just about cupcakes. I haven't had a cupcake in maybe a decade, so I stopped and got one to see what the fuss was about. It wasn't really an erotic experience, but it was, in fact, strangely satisfying. I feel like I won't need to eat for a day or two.

There's something satisfying about a libertinous snack that still has built-in portion control. There's a quantum of cupcake.

This particular cupcake, obtained from a nearby East Harlem bakery, was likely a half-day old, and its frosting had hardened a bit, as if cake had decided to wear a helmet.

aw, nuts

Did you ever notice that when you eat almonds, the first few are so delicious, but then once you've eaten twenty, it's like you're eating trees? Your mouth gets dry and the little bits of almond skin stick to the roof of your mouth and then they're not good at all anymore. It's like you need to eat a stick of butter for lube.

Why are almonds so fucked up?

Swanson, $1.89, freezer aisle

The cowboy, usually an excellent cook, especially of Asian cuisine, has had to rely on frozen dinners due to his broken collarbone.

Frozen dinners can seem enticing when you're hungry, but then you sort of feel dirty after you've eaten. This is why bulimia exists. Sure, "French Women Don't Get Fat," but French women also don't purge; it is morally wrong to throw up decent French cooking. It's understandable to throw up a Hungry Man Meatloaf with Gravy Dinner.

This reminded me ... as a teenager in Virginia I babysat for a family that had an enormous standalone freezer in their living room, stocked with at least a hundred individually-wrapped frozen hamburgers, hotdogs, and tacos. Each night they'd let their kids pick one item, they'd nuke it, and that was it.

People in bomb shelters eat better than that. U.N. gruel is more nutritious.

This family also had a neon Budweiser sign in their living room.

update on the miraculous 24 hour comedy show

"24 hour" in the sense that that's how long I had to produce it, not in the sense of "we will tell jokes in marathon fashion, the way people used to sit on flagpoles."

The comics for tonight's Comedy Show and Tell are:

• Shawn Hollenbach (Mintyfresh)
  
• Al Wagner (NY Comedy Club)
  
• Liz Miele (Comic Strip, Carolines, featured in the New Yorker)
  
• Michelle Buteau (Premium Blend)
  
• Dan Allen (Premium Blend)
  
• Jesse Joyce (Entertainment Tonight, NY Underground Comedy Festival)

(Shawn gets his picture up here because he was the first person to confirm, making him sparkly and joyful to me).

Thanks to the inimitable Baron Vaughn for his casting assistance!

For information on attending, scroll down four inches! Come see why a photo gallery of men from Marie Claire magazine is my show and tell item! See you in 4.5 hours!

Update: I am dressed like a schoolteacher, circa 1979! (Without perm or feathered hairstyle. But I am wearing polyester, and it is fabulous).

Tonight in Brooklyn - Comedy Show & Tell

There's a fantastic event tonight at Pete's! Why didn't I post about it earlier? Well, Pete's Candy Store generally hosts a poetry series on alternate Mondays, but the poetry hosts cancelled at the last minute. So, I stepped in and, plagued with an excess of enthusiasm, I offered to produce a comedy show in under twenty-four hours. And it is no ordinary comedy show! I hope to see you there.

---

"Comedy Show & Tell" at Pete's Candy Store

TONIGHT, Monday, August 29
Pete's Candy Store, 709 Lorimer St. in Williamsburg
www.petescandystore.com
7:30-8:30pm
FREE



Comedy Show & Tell mixes performances by top young comedians with old-fashioned Show & Tell, just like back in grade school. Bring a favorite item with you to this free show -- several audience members will be selected for show & tell!

---

it takes a lot to thrill such a jaded person...

For one glorious span of wee-morning hours, my blog was ranked first:


(Check the actual box in the righthand sidebar to see current rank, most likely fallen from its former position of complete and total domination).

"I can't believe you old people these days, with your crazy prescription drugs and your pants all up to your ribs."

Today I attended a seminar on comedy roadwork (as in, how to get booked at the Chuckle Shack in Butte, Montana). One panelist mentioned that, along with booking firehouses (which actually sound like fun), he also has booked nursing home shows.

I generally imagine nursing home entertainers to be at least middle-aged, so as to have more in common with the audience, but, upon further reflection, I think many nursing home residents would be delighted to see some twentysomething comedians -- it's like having the grandkids come visit, except these ones are more interesting and better looking, and besides, the real ones never come visit anyway.

Better yet, I think perhaps the Jenny Vaudeville Show needs to make a nursing home appearance! I am certain that there's some ninety-year old out there who is going to wet his damn slacks at the sight of chipper young people doing vaudeville.

Come sit on my axis of evil, baby. Once we are lawfully wedded.

Just after posting Cintra Wilson's comments about young Republicans ("prematurely wide and matronly young women with obsolete cheerleader features dressed like Lady Bird Johnson"), I discovered -- via an ad on Ann Coulter's website -- republicanpeoplemeet.com, a dating service for Republicans.

Here is a quote from their "success stories":

i found the most wondful person i could ever meet thank you

Philadelphia,PA

If only liberals could meet wondful people as well!

I can only imagine the profile questions:

Repealing estate taxes is sexy; war in Iraq is sexier.

IQ TESTS are to INTELLIGENCE as the BBC is to UNBIASED NEWS REPORTING

I feel I must address this men are cleverer than women business, as reported by the BBC:

A study to be published later this year in the British Journal of Psychology says that men are on average five points ahead on IQ tests.

...The study showed that, up to the age of 14, there was no difference between the IQs of boys and girls.

"But beyond that age and into adulthood there is a difference of five points, which is small but it can have important implications."

When I first heard about this, I wrote the following reply (to my college alumni list):

The first IQ test, designed for French schoolchildren, was immediately redesigned when it gave erroneous results -- the girls scored higher. After some adjustment, that was no longer the case, and the test was judged to be valid.

If you've seen an IQ test lately, you might have been expecting some magic diagnostic tool to actually tell you how smart people are -- instead, it's like an SAT with some spatial puzzles added. It is, quite frankly, pretty dumb looking.

It is not surprising to me that men perform better on a test designed by men, but that's kind of a facile point. I think an even better one is that men's and women's brains are different, and -- just taking into account the differences that are verifiable in neuroscience -- I think it's a quite reasonable hypothesis that some of the things men excel at are easier to test in standardized-test form.

For instance, I think one of the least controversial gender differences is that men have a better sense of direction (sure, some of that is from social conditioning and practice, but much of it is because men process directions in the hypothalamus, a "primitive" part of the brain that interprets directions literally -- that is, electrical impulses within it actually work in a compass-like way, whereas women process directions in the cerebral cortex, along with everything else, which is why many women use landmarks and such to navigate).

Women, however, have a much better ability to read people's body language. This is useful in "relationships," yes, but also in diplomacy, corporate management, spying, etc.

Which is more valuable? Depends on what you're doing. Which is easier to test? Probably spatial abilities. There do exist tests wherein the subject is asked to guess the moods of people pictured in photos, but that's a poor substitute for real-life interaction (or at least video), and, more to the point, such a skill is not tested on an IQ test at all.

Originally, the IQ test was designed to test the potential of children, like a school-placement exam. It is unclear what value exists in giving the test to adults, whose "potential" is by and large already played out.

(Additionally, the test is enough like an SAT that I could teach nearly anyone to raise their 'IQ' by a substantial number of points. No magic there).

Amusingly, Feministing just made a quite similar point: "When I used to teach SAT classes for The Princeton Review, the biggest lesson was to make sure kids knew that the only thing the SAT measured was how well you took the SAT." (I had no idea a popular feminist blogger was a former Princeton Review teacher).

However, Lakshmi Chaudhry of The L-Files has rather scooped the whole thing, pointing out that Richard Lynn, the "researcher" behind this whole "men are cleverer" thing, is a known eugenicist. You can follow the link if you want to read about "phasing out" cultures that are "incompetent."

I'll also add here: a male friend of mine suggested that men are "cleverer" for getting everyone to believe that men are cleverer for all these years. Cute.

A reader comment on the BBC site asked "Have these researchers looked at IQ levels below the average, at gender differentials among prison inmates?" The reader seems to be suggesting that, in contrast to the researchers' claim that for every female genius, there are 5.5 male geniuses, that perhaps the dumbest men are dumber than the dumbest women -- that is, that men are more widely spread out over the IQ spectrum, whereas women are clustered in a place of rarer brilliance but greater general competence. Interesting. (But again, I would apply all my previous arguments regarding the nature of the IQ test itself).

As a concluding thought, I'd like to note that when "The Bell Curve" came out, the book was roundly denounced as racist propaganda for suggesting that races differ in intelligence. However, when researchers report than men are smarter than women, the BBC reports it like it's cute.

Aww, look at those little ladies trying to defend their intelligence -- when all they have to do it with is ... their intelligence! Whatsamatter, darlin', can't handle a little tautology?

Update: Apparently the BBC reported the exact opposite claim in December 2004.

word of the day

Cintra Wilson in Salon again:

It seemed somehow related to the Roberts nomination that there was an extra helping of snappy young Republicans humming around the White House on the 20th -- prematurely wide and matronly young women with obsolete cheerleader features dressed like Lady Bird Johnson, with tightly twisted hair and $2,000 handbags, and 20-something guys with that roundheaded military eunuch look: plastic wraparound sunglasses and boxy, off-the-rack navy-blue suits with the periwinkle-blue shirts that have become the uniform of the GOP Youth. The guys have a restless, jacked-up machismo that probably comes of venting the frustrations of abstinence in Krav Maga class, and a thumping sense of the authority and entitlement that comes with belonging to the winning team, which they call "The Party." Superclean motherfuckers -- an abrasive, stinging kind of clean, like they all just got shaken out of an icy tumbler full of Pine Sol, pumice and the New Testament.

This reminds me of a vocabulary lesson I taught a couple of weeks ago in which I explained the meaning of the word "excoriate" -- one of those great words that's usually used metaphorically, but has a literal meaning (like perhaps "lukewarm"). To "excoriate" someone is to criticize them harshly, but the literal meaning of the word is "to tear or wear off the skin of; abrade." Like, when you drag someone behind your car in a lynching, or take a cheese grater to their skin. Excoriate.

Thank you, Cintra.

the missing link

The cowboy is quite an expert on the nation of Laos, and yesterday he recounted a charming incident from a book he is reading. A Lao man came to America and was baffled by all the things he saw -- buildings, highways, etc. He couldn't wrap his mind around it -- until someone took him on a trip to Colonial Williamsburg. He saw the iron plows and the wells and the farms, and suddenly, it all made sense; that's how you get from there to here.

"the press succumbed en masse to ... the deranged, unconscious complicity that is found in victims of ritual abuse"

Hahahaha.

Cintra Wilson of Salon invaded the White House press corps and had this to say about the Orwellian newspeak proferred by White House press secretary Scott McClellan:

...it's easy to sound smarter and more worthy of love than your adversary when you are using the spontaneous, active language centers of your brain to communicate, as opposed to being limited to doling out cold sound bites from an undersize professional memory thermos.

gratuitous link to gratuitously cute website

*sigh*

www.catsinsinks.com

There, now I've done it.

Yes, I am now going to attempt to take a picture of my cat in the sink.

Update: Cow is not amused. She has thoroughly rejected the sink and been placated with some smelly shrimp cat food.

I always wanted to operate a popular grammar blog

I explained the semicolon while teaching class today, and then, strangely, I came home to a missive from my mother, also inquiring about the semicolon. For the benefit of all, this is my quick and dirty explanation of the semicolon:

Use a semicolon when you are combining two complete clauses and you don't want to have to say "and." So basically, use a semicolon instead of a comma with an 'and.'

Both of these sentences are correct:

I like Bill, and we are going to the prom.

I like Bill; we are going to the prom.

(See how "I like Bill" and "we are going to the prom" are complete clauses? Yay!)


But I CANNOT say:

If I like Bill; we will go to the prom.

(That one's no good because "If I like Bill" isn't a complete clause!)

I have now explained semicolons; you can use them whenever you like! In a paragraph, a semicolon can add variety to your writing; many writing experts consider this a plus. However, the overuse of semicolons can seem forced; this is bad.

It is even possible (although quite unusual) to use two semicolons in one sentence! For instance:

Some people learn how to use semicolons in high school; others learn from grammar books; a few learn from their adult daughters.

p.s. My mom is smart; she has been articulate for many years without the need of semicolons.

from my mom

I like Baron Vaughn's joke. Tell him transparency runs in your mother's side of the family. I'm really invisible.

class issues and the Dartmouth Alumni Magazine

When a reminiscing alumnus uses the words "coxswain" and "regatta" in the same sentence, I still positively giggle, as if the speaker had instead declaimed "Here, darling, we bathe only in champagne."

Also see previous post on this topic.

if only we had enough newsprint on which to print actual premises and conclusions!

Readers have long lamented the loss of depth in newspaper stories. And while the Times, for the most part, hangs on, directing us to page A21 for a recap of all the Kurdish history we missed, at least little mini-papers like am New York (at which I love to poke fun) don't pretend to be more than they are -- free summaries of the content of a real newspaper.

This article in USA Today -- A neo-feminist's view of abstinence -- is about one-third the length it would need to be to properly make its point. For starters, what does the author mean by "neo-feminist"? Perhaps it would be useful to address existing literature on this subject (Shalit, Crittenden, and their numerous detractors). Overall, though, the article just seems to have been cut off in the middle, or edited down from a "neo-feminist" pronouncement to a facile re-statement of views already held by readers of USA Today.

Also, I object to the phrase "the sheer prolificness of sex." What the writer meant was something about the ubiquity of sex; what she ended up saying was something more like "can you believe everyone is breeding like rabbits?" which was not the intention at all.

federal development agency liability

We can now sue over global warming! Neat. I'll mail in pictures of my sunburns, if that helps.

Baron Vaughn had a joke that if he and I had kids, they'd be half-black, half-transparent.

social dynamics and the $1 Room

Sometimes people say to me "I know I've seen you somewhere" and then I, to no avail, mention a couple of places and people we might have in common, and then I finally say, "Well, I have this website, jenisfamousdotcom?" and they say "Yes! That's it!"

It just occurred to me that maybe the ones who are hitting on me are lying about that.

Apparently I have molasses flowing through my synapses. Cold molasses.

In any case, I went to a comedy show tonight (The $1 Room) and had the unique experience of sitting in the front row and getting picked on. Yes, I'm sleepy, yes, it's cold in here, true, I am not laughing at this very moment because you are picking on me rather than telling a joke, no, I am not in a mime troupe.

I got hit on (in a nice, pleasant, flattering way) after the show by one of the other attendees, and it occurred to me that the reason it's gross to have men catcall you on the street, but nice to get actually asked out by a stranger, is that the guy who's asking you out is actually looking for your approval in some way and putting himself on the line, in a way that the catcalling man is not.

Interestingly, this can even carry over into strange men who ask you out, but in a way that is more like catcalling, and gross rather than flattering; i.e., the guy who tries to hold your hand at the bus stop and ask for your number, rebuffing your refusals with "Why you gotta be like that?"

In conclusion, the thing that makes it nice and flattering to get asked out is that the man is in some actual fear of rejection. Not that I'm having a schadenfreude response or anything. I am definitely a member of the club that is nice to guys who ask women out in a decent way.

Incidentally, I did have someone at the spelling bee quote one of my jokes from this blog back to me, which was very flattering (and not, as far as I could tell, part of anyone hitting on anyone).

somebody get me that wine that comes in the jug

In case anyone is wondering where all the funny is, my next comedy show is Chicks and Giggles on the 6th. The next Jenny Vaudeville show is 10pm, Wednesday, September 14.

If you want more immediate funny, you will have to scour my blog for previous examples thereof, or wait until my brain starts producing serotonin again.

outsourcing one's social life

I once had an appointment with a matchmaking service and got on their list o'ladies. I went on two ill-fated dates with older gentlemen, and then, next time I got a phone call, I said I was seeing someone.

It's been months, but I just got another call today; the matchmaker had someone that she thought would be great for me. (But not as great as a cowboy).

It's funny, I have someone who checks up to see whether I'm single. My own parents don't even pay that much attention.

the soldier and the kitten

On 8/15, I this posted a photo of, supposedly, a US solider in Iraq petting a kitten.


I subsequently received an email from ex-Marine (and, in an unrelated incident, ex-potential-boyfriend) M.U., who expatiates:

This might not be of any interest to you whatsoever, but while catching up on your blog, I couldn't help but see the soldier petting the kitten and wonder if it isn't doctored. Not that we combat vets don't love kittens, because they sure are adorable. No, it's because I don't think that soldier is anywhere near Iraq. Although PFC John Doe has what appears to be an up-to-date military version of the AR-15 assault rifle (whether it's the M-4, M-16A2, or M-16A4 I don't know because it's tricked out with all sorts of crap I never had), his uniform is suspect.

1. Notice the shiny brown shoes. Today's American troops wear rough-side-out leather boots (called, appropriately enough, "desert boots") because sandy regions SUCK for preserving a shine on leather.
   
   
2. Nice green uniform, Joe. Where'd you get it, Vietnam? Tell me, when was the last time you saw a picture of an American deployed to Iraq not wearing some sort of desert camouflage? The same thing goes for his sun-faded forest-pattern helmet cover.
   
   
3. Also -- and this is the most heinous crime of all -- the vast right-wing conspiracy has obviously not included the other photos in this series, where the soldier picks the kitten up by the scruff of the neck and then bites its head off. They're monsters, I tell you.

So, there's one more maudlin email forward debunked!

Regarding desert camouflage...

If you wouldn't send a solider to Iraq in forest greens, why are the National Guardsmen wearing this same uniform in the subway? A person is more likely to run into a patch of trees in Baghdad than on the NRW platform. What, exactly, do the soldiers think they are blending in with?

Since the National Guard has been appearing periodically in the subway for four years now (since 9/11), I think it's time to get them some proper uniforms! I want to see National Guardsmen in subway camo -- a dull gray background covered in pictures of trains*, with illustrations of rats down near the ankles**. They would blend right in!

* Like a five-year-old's pajamas!

** Not like a five-year-old's pajamas.

"do not bother me with your bourgeois gasoline woes whilst I am drinking my macchiato"

The (much recovered) cowboy pointed me towards this article in the Times Magazine about the impending oil shortage:

If consumption begins to exceed production by even a small amount, the price of a barrel of oil could soar to triple-digit levels. This, in turn, could bring on a global recession, a result of exorbitant prices for transport fuels and for products that rely on petrochemicals -- which is to say, almost every product on the market. The impact on the American way of life would be profound: cars cannot be propelled by roof-borne windmills. The suburban and exurban lifestyles, hinged to two-car families and constant trips to work, school and Wal-Mart, might become unaffordable or, if gas rationing is imposed, impossible.

Many New Yorkers are smug about such things; if there's no more oil, I guess Peoria and Denver and Duluth will just have to build subways!

I am reminded of a recent New York Magazine article about New Yorkers' opposition to a Wal-Mart in Rego Park -- some of it was ligitimate opposition from the grocery workers' union, or from activists, but much of it was urban snobbery. (I am certainly not immune to such snobbery, and would be embarassed by the presence of a Waltonesque monstrosity in my town; however, I balance my personal distaste of tacky things with the right of less well-off people to buy cheap cornflakes and parkas).

In any case, while the prospect of SUVs becoming too expensive to operate may delight many urban dwellers, worldwide recession is considerably less charming.

On an interesting engineering note, the article also pointed out (regarding the unfortunate fact that the Saudis have no obligation to tell anyone in any verifiable sense how much oil they actually have) that "the popular notion of [oil] reservoirs as underground lakes, from which wells extract oil like straws sucking a milkshake from a glass, is incorrect. Oil exists in drops between and inside porous rocks."

from the frontier of live blogging

Miss Megan Rudesill just (as in, just now, as of 9:24pm) live-blogged the Williamsburg Spelling Bee on the Williamsburg Spelling Blog.

Newcomer Josh Melamy took the win with some damned impressive spelling, including tongawalla, lamasery, punctiliar, and likely some more impressive words I've forgotten.

Megan herself won third place again, which I suspect she's doing on purpose in order to win sandwiches rather than bar tab.

There will be no bee on Labor Day, so our next bee -- coincidentally, our one-year anniversary bee -- will be Monday, September 19, 7pm, Pete's Candy Store.

commercialism

My friend Kim has written this from Tibet:

The temples are very elaborate and we have taken lots of pictures. The saddest visit was to Norbulingka, which was the Dalai Lama's summer home/palace. This is where he went the night before he escaped into exile in India in 1959. He and his followers walked in winter over the treacherous Himalayan mountain passes. This is what many Tibetans do today when they want to try for a better life in India or Nepal. We met several people who recounted these journeys to us. They had to carry yak butter and a barley (like kasha) called "tsampa." Along the way, they'd mix the barley with the butter and eat it. The butter helps the body stay warm. These travelers also would find sympathetic villagers and offer them some butter to make "butter tea," which Tibetans drink constantly. To me, it tastes like popcorn soup. But this is what Tibetans rely on to stay warm in such high altitudes.

Anyway, Norbulingka, was incredibly sad. Many Tibetans go there and cry, thinking about the exiled Dalai Lama, their spritual and political leader. Meanwhile, the Chinese government has made it into a sort of museum, where they charge quite a fee for entry. Outside the palace, on the gardened grounds, there was the annual, traditional yogurt festival, and guess who was one of the sponsors?? Budweiser beer. So there were Budweiser posters everywhere with pictures of half naked models all over the grounds of the Dalai Lama's summer palace.

how would I EVER have known such a thing without the AP?

Folk Singer Supports Anti-War Protesters

You don't say? How about "Quakers Support Anti-War Protestors"? Or "Solider of Fortune Readers Support War (Any War Will Do)"?

hamster butt. do you even need a picture?

I went looking for a picture of a butt to add to this post, and found this in addition:


...and I love it very much.

It was created by Natalie Dee, whom I now find very funny. Along with posting new drawings every day, she writes an advice column in which, for instance, in answer to someone's question about whether their pubic hair was normal, she writes:

"If it bugs you out that bad, just wax the whole thing. There will be nothing left to worry about, and you will seem fancier. You should have been able to solve this yourself."

More advice columns should berate people for writing in to advice columns about their piddly-ass problems in the first place.

And also, because Natalie said her in FAQ that I could post her drawings if I link to her site (which I have now done four five times in this post) and I do not decorate my website with her drawings exclusively, here's another one:

I've been behind on the blogging, but soon I shall become too prolix for words, if such a thing were possible

The spelling bee is tonight, 7pm, in Williamsburg.

Thanks to everyone (Savvy!) for comments on bicycle accidents, sexy nurse outfits, etc.

The next issue of the Shout-Out will feature several free shows to which I would love to invite you all.

modeling opportunities for the non-risk-averse

To enter the Miss High Times contest, send photos of yourself "smoking or posing with weed." You can click the fine print for "rules," which specify that the contestant must be at least 18 and not nude, but which say nothing about, you know, marijuana laws.

It would be great if there were also a "Miss Homebuilt Nuclear Warhead" in, you know, Uranium Enthusiasts Quarterly.

Better yet, I'll bet you could get tons of entries for "Miss Mall-Shoplifting Hussy." Trashy suburban teenagers would send in pictures of themselves posing with all the merch they swiped from Hot Topic. Then you could mail the pictures back to their parents ;-)

Update: In China? Enter the Mongolian Cow Sour Yoghurt Supergirl Contest.

my friends being funnier than I am (again)

(See previous entry).

"It just feels like my whole life will have to be some grim Tom Waits song. I guess 'grim' is kind of a redundancy there."
- M.

open letter to the guy on 9th Avenue in midtown yesterday evening who felt the need to open his car door in the middle of traffic

Dear asshole fratboy on 9th Avenue in midtown yesterday who felt the need to open his car door in the middle of traffic,

That guy on the bike who you hit? That was my cowboy.

You are an asshole who clearly felt that your need to get out of your cab before the next stoplight was so incredibly pressing that you'd just endanger an entire block full of moving traffic. You know how drivers have rearview mirrors and passengers don't? There's a reason.

You know how you hung around until the ambulance came and then took off before the police could get your information? Good job avoiding responsibility!

Enjoy feeling bad for the rest of your life!

If there is such a thing as karma and reincarnation, perhaps you will come back next time as a disembodied asshole, hopping around on the pavement, avoiding getting stepped on, waiting for the next life in which you might be lucky enough to come back as the whole ass.

Sincerely,
Jen

Everybody else: Sorry for being behind on my email, but go ahead and keep sending it. The cowboy has a broken collarbone and will recover. Does anyone know where I can get a sexy nurse costume?

regarding this previous night's comedy show

My bit about the Campaign for Real Beauty went well tonight. (Sure, they're "real women" -- but they're hawking cellulite cream! It would be like if we ran a campaign of homeless people smiling and called it the Campaign for Real Teeth ... but in the corner, there was a logo for Crest whitestrips. The message is "love yourself ... just not completely").

I started telling my pigeon joke and Syd started laughing in advance of the punchline. "That's my freebird!" I said, which cracked him up unexpectedly.

Overall, though, the show was overbooked (far too many comics, such that the audience dwindled by more than half over the course of the show), and I am taking a bit of a hiatus from the dank fraternity basements of the comedy club world. Stay tuned for more shows which I will produce myself.

A big thanks to Louise, Tom, and Syd!

one can only wonder

Hmmn. How interesting....

http://www.nakedpicturesofjendziura.com/

my maniacal laughter will haunt you in your sleep

My plan to take over the world (one abortion joke at a time) is going marvellously.

I will be blogging as a guest editor for Fleshbot (the "Gawker" of porn), start date TBA!

I have reviewed the "Inflatable Bondage Chair" on the Sarcastic Sex Toy Blog. Stay tuned for a SarcasticSex.com party in NYC ... with party favors!

I did a show at The Social last night, debuting some new material about anorexia ("anorexics are just hunger strikers who are better-looking").

I have also written an article encouraging anorexics to donate the money they save on food towards famine in Niger. (Hate me if you want, but that's a socially conscious eating disorder!)

Come to the show tonight if you're in NYC -- New York Comedy Club, E 24th bet. 2nd/3rd, 9pm sharp.

rum, sodomy, and the lash

This guy makes comic strips by sticking stickers (in this case, pirates) on notebook paper and writing captions for the stickers.

recent quotes from people I know

"Because, of course, you have to pitch 'Sensitivity Training' to men as 'Psychological Know-How'."
- my ex-boyfriend from high school

"Your writing about your Mom reminds me horribly of Inspector Columbo who always refers to his wife although you never see her. I find this really cute."
- some guy named Mike

"I bet I could spend $8,000 on you and have a baby for free!"
- my Russian friend, upon reading my article about egg donation

no cigar

I just did a tourist show at the Improv. The emcee asked what he should say to introduce me -- generally one gives a sentence or two, or if one has no particular merits to extol, one says something like "Eh, clubs and colleges," which transmutes to "Jennifer Dziura is a very funny comic; she performs at clubs and colleges all over the country!"

In this case, I said "I can be seen on VH-1's Crushed Out in the fall and at jen is famous dot com." Cool, said the emcee, and repeated it back to me.

He walked up on stage and said "Our next comic can be seen on Crashed Out and at jen is funny dot com."

Alas.

This was also my first real show with kids in the audience. Strangely, they don't laugh at gangbang jokes!

Little weirdos.

Shout Out #2 - all my eggs in one basket

The Shout-Out, my email newsletter with exclusive downloads and jokes, goes out today.

This issue contains the story of my selling my eggs to a wealthy gay man. (All true! It's better than having a temp job!)

the four-piece ... I'm not really going to repeat it here

There's a new review up on the Sarcastic Sex Toy Blog.

Incidentally, my mother told me on the phone that she had been afraid to click on the link to the Sarcastic Sex Toy Blog because she was under the impression that I was trying the sex toys myself, which is not unreasonable assumption for a sex toy review website.

In this case, however, personal use is completely unnecessary (and in many cases, anatomically impossible for a woman) for the sort of mocking going on here.

good morning

Yesterday I ate nothing but figs and a Wendy's cheeseburger, which is an interesting juxtaposition of classy, Biblical food and socially denigrated, non-Biblical food.

I went to get some McDonald's coffee just now and noticed that the store around the corner is selling acid-washed denim jean skirts two for a dollar. You could outfit an entire cheerleading squad, circa 1988, (assuming they're all a bit fat) for under ten bucks!