I give you ... The Book of Virtues

Former education secretary Bill Bennett made headlines today after saying on his radio show that "if you wanted to reduce crime ... you could abort every black baby in this country and your crime rate would go down." He then went on to say that he's against abortion, and that's why that would be wrong.

Bennett's comments might sound shocking, but we liberals have no excuse for being surprised -- it's important to read up on your enemies. Remember, The Book of Virtues was a bestseller! And as anyone who bothered to read it would have known , "Racial Extermination" was chapter five, right after "Honesty," and before "Not Taking It In the Ass."

(Not unrelatedly, I auditioned today for a touring comedy show called "Laughing Liberally").

wet and loquacious

For your edification: Amazon sells a Top 100 SAT Words Shower Curtain.

The product description reads:

A simple, effective, and stress free learning tool for your children taking the SATs, allowing them to learn the top 100 most common SAT vocabulary words while taking a shower. Increase vocabulary and help them become a better reader, writer and speller.

Bonus points for anyone who can identify the two or more grammar errors that appear in this passage.

Update: Diopter said in the comments that "a better reader, writer and speller" should be "better readers, writers and spellers." True, true. But there is another version of the same error also contained in the passage. To wit:

"...allowing them to learn ... while taking a shower."

Just as the first error implies that all the children will become a single reader, writer, and speller, this error implies that all of the children will be taking a single shower. And not just in the sense that the children must shower incestuously, but also in the sense that each child may use the shower curtain during only a single shower; no matter how much the siblings enjoy showering together, they may not repeat the experience, regardless of the merits of improving one's SAT score.

I love my job.

Jen

back to the hive

This evening on the 6 train I sat next to a lady who was reading the Times' style section with the spelling bee article in which I appeared.

She was right next to me, almost touching me with a picture of me. Hott! I think she skipped the spelling bee article to read the article about laser beard sculpturing.

Derelicte!

At one point, I had some jokes in my comedy act about moving to New York, including a bit about homeless people, and how it would really help if they were cuter, because that's what matters for endangered animals.

In the process of making that point, I commented "When I first moved to New York, I was really disturbed by all the homeless people everywhere. But then I went through a six-month Empathy Adjustment Period, and now I could give a shit like the rest of you."

I like making people feel bad for laughing.

Piled in my to-do pile is an article I tore out of Big News, that newspaper that homeless people sell on the subway for $1. Persuaded by the "this gives us a job and keeps us from asking for handouts" speech, I bought one, and was absolutely confounded by an article therein.

The article, by Toby Van Buren, is entitled "A Guide to Homelessness." Here is the introduction:

When I was suddenly homeless in Mamaroneck, New York, in April, 1996, I knew that I had to quickly get out of there -- it's no place to be homeless!" New York is where I knew I had to go, the homeless capital of the world, where you can blend in with people & get things you need. Even though I had my last $600 or so on me, I wanted to get where I knew I'd eventually have the basic necessities when my money ran out.

Now, I know conservatives are busy ragging on gays and Muslims right now, but during various periods (for instance, the Reagan years), conservatives have been preoccupied with vilifying the poor. Mr. Van Buren -- who goes on to talk about living on the streets for five years because he "hated the idea of shelters," and instead loitering at McDonald's and Barnes & Noble, and using the internet in public libraries -- is just giving them ammunition. He seems to be saying that the more social services we provide, the more marginally poor (and, apparently, lazy) people we will attract to homelessness!

He had only his "last $600," and his solution was to become homeless? I mean, I know plenty of comedians who get by, non-homelessly, without ever having $600 on them at one time, except perhaps the day before the rent is due. Does it occur to them to live in the park? Park-bench living makes it difficult to keep the corners of one's headshots from crinkling. So, no, those down to their "last $600" crash on a friend's couch, or rent a room in a bad part of town, or move back in with relatives. $600 is not an insubstantial sum of money. I moved to New York with less.

Mr. Van Buren's article contained a passage about the value of spending time in nature, as public parks are free and "very healing." So, someone down to his last $600 (in a town that almost certainly offered more reasonably-priced housing than New York) was so attracted to park space and free food and blankets (with no job-hunting requirements) from charitable organizations that he actually elected to move to the city and become indefinitely homeless.

Good job, New York! You have made homelessness aspirational.

how to get a (theoretical) bargain

Last week, I used some of my egg money to get in on the very last day of a deal wherein one may purchase a computer and an iPod at the same time, and thereby receive a $179 rebate. My items have arrived, and I now have an excessive quantity of technology.

I figured that, between the rebate and the sale of my old iBook, I would recoup a substantial portion of the costs of this purchase, but it turns out my old iBook (which is a 2003 model, outwardly identical to the new iBook) is only worth about $350.

I discovered, however, that my new iBook, for whatever software/OS related reason, has the added benefit of being compatible with this essay-grading system that my job uses to allow its teachers to make extra money by grading student essays online. We make $1/essay, averaging about $20-30/hour.

So, I did the math -- If I sell my old iBook for $350, sell my old digital voice recorder (which has been replaced by my iPod-plus-accessories) for $30, and get my $179 rebate, I will only need to grade 1,072 essays to break even!

I hope a lot of wealthy kids sign up for SAT classes.

bobby and I are, ephemerally, one square inch of major news media

The photo from the print edition of today's Times appears (in a tiny, cropped version) on the front page of nytimes.com right now! Pick up the print edition to see the whole thing. And here, preserved for posterity:

click for article
See also: I Really Did Stay Up Until After Midnight..., How to Attend the Spelling Bee, and New York Times picture.

How to Attend the Spelling Bee

Lots of website visitors today! You guys sure know how to google! Some of you, though, have asked questions about competing in the spelling bee. This is simple to do, open to all, and free (please tip your bartender graciously).

There is one regular season bee left, this upcoming Monday, October 3. (After that is the finals on October 17th, and then season three will begin November 14th). To attend, just show up at Pete's Candy Store at 7pm to be safe, 7:15 at the latest, to sign the list. We are at Pete's Candy Store, 709 Lorimer St. in Williamsburg (map).

On alternate Mondays, when there is no spelling bee, you can come to my free comedy show, same time, same place.

unattractive imagery

A friend called and apologized for a typo in a comment about me on her blog.

Instead of saying I had "long pretty black hair," (which is nice, thank you), she said I had "long pretty back hair," which is totally gross. I hadn't even seen it yet (and it was clear from the context what was intended, so I might not have even noticed it), so it was kind of strange that she called instead of just going and fixing it. Hmmn, maybe she can't blog from work. That makes sense.

On an utterly unrelated note, I got a call from FHM magazine. Sexy!

"outsourcing" in French is "approvisionnement à l'extérieur"

My iPod was shipped to me via FedEx from Shanghai.

I hope the Chinese can spell in French.

I really did stay up until after midnight, waiting for this to be posted

The spelling bee article is now in the New York Times! The print version has a picture of contestants Jonathan Lill and Josh Malamy, and organizers bobbyblue and me, on the front page. The online version, for whatever reason, has only a picture from Spellbound (the documentary) and a picture from the 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee (the musical). So ... go buy a New York Times!

Here's a nice bit:

While challenging, the bees are decidedly less anxiety provoking than their school counterparts. Occurring well after sunset, adult bees are more like unscripted cabaret shows than cutthroat competitions. "Spelling bees for kids are kind of cruel," said Jennifer Dziura, 26, a comedian and an M.C. of the bee at Pete's Candy Store, which takes place every other Monday. "We have three strikes and you're out, and moral support applause."

The Night Life of Bees

Update: A journalist friend in Connecticut writes "The paper's sitting here in my lap... You are kicking Kate Moss's wasted ASS!"

Wednesday night blogtime

I am sad today. I still have a bruise on my hand from the IV this past Saturday.

Corpse Bride was good, but a bit morose from the lady-perspective. Two women, neither of whom has done anyone any wrong, are competing for the same man ... and the more interesting and wordly one loses out. Also, her skin is rotting off.

I have a new obsession, to write a series of stories entitled "The Adventures of Sticky McThrustypants, the Androgynous Porn Star."*

If you like, you might pick up the New York Times tomorrow morning. The spelling bee will appear in the Thursday Styles section.

My friend Dilip, to whom I have not spoken since the egg donation, inquired as to my well-being. He said "I'm glad to hear the procedure went well. At least, I gather that it did, because you were apparently well enough to buy Megan a quesadilla.... Not that one has to be in perfect health to buy a quesadilla."

I just wanted to share that. I may make a point of leaving people quesadillas in my will in demonstration of this very point.

*That's copyrighted. It's mine, beeotch, mine.

the bygone days of my Sleazegrinder cover

In June, I appeared on the cover of Sleazegrinder rock magazine with the caption "This is our friend Jennifer Dziura. She's not only foxy, she's a comedian. A real one. Unlike the rest of us. Go visit her at www.jenisfamous.com. She'll make you laugh, but she won't take her pants off."

Here is an archived version of me on the front page.

True, true. And there I was, looking startlingly normal. Actually, the zipper of my jeans was unzipped about an inch. Hott!

I have now, however, been replaced on the cover by "Summer Cummings, 34 FF fetish model and star of Faster Pussycat F*ck F*ck."

Wow. You give that t-shirt hell, Summer!

e-u-o-n-y-m

ESPN frequently replays the video of Rebecca Sealfon winning the 1997 National Spelling Bee by spelling "euonym," shrieking out each letter in a barely-human, but very excited, manner. (The video is here).

In July, in a seemingly only tangentially-related event, local free newspaper The Brooklynite sent someone to cover the Williamsburg Spelling Bee. Julian Voloj took photos, some of which appear here and here .

I have finally received a copy of the article. And the article is written by (wait for it...) Rebecca Sealfon. Rebecca Sealfon attended my spelling bee! She is apparently a fully-fledged adult now. Oh, little euonym. That's not a bad name for a puppy.


click to enlarge
The article quotes me as saying, in reference to our kinder-and-gentler bee and its three-strikes-you're-out policy, "You have to keep the love going."

Related posts:

maybe a rumor, maybe not
bobby and I are, ephemerally, one square inch of major news media
well, i'll bet THOSE spelling bees don't have beer specials

Also see: German Public Radio, The Williamsburg Spelling Blog

forgive this blog for linking to the Onion; original content is forthcoming, but this was apropos

The Onion is running an article entitled Guy In Philosophy Class Needs To Shut The Fuck Up. It's set at Dartmouth (where I was a philosophy major). There's even a picture of Thornton Hall, where I took philosophy classes. And, of course, there was always some douchebag just like this. Strangely, Onion writer and fellow Dartmouth alum/philosophy major Sam, whom some of you saw at August's Jenny Vaudeville Show, does not seem to be responsible.

notice how everyone else has an actual "book"?

Ooh! My bio and photo are up on the 215 Festival website, along with those of lots of people who are far more accomplished than I.

I am not actually certain how I am getting to Philly and back on October 8th/9th. I discovered I can take the Chinatown bus there for $12, but the last return bus leaves at 11pm, and at that time I will still be at "Bad Sex with Neal Pollack." It looks like I will have to take Amtrak's 12:20, or else stay over and take their 6:52, as I need to be at work at 9:30am Sunday. Both Amtrak trains cost $53. Why does the train cost 442% more than the bus? (If anyone is driving there or back, please drop me a line).

A shout-out to the cowboy for letting me copy all his music while we were returning one another's stuff. Without that act of largesse, I would be without Damien Jurado, My Morning Jacket, TV on the Radio, and many other fabulous things.

On an unrelated note, I am seeing Tim Burton's Corpse Bride tonight.

the Apple online store shows you a preview of your free engraving

For your amusement:

we are all exhibitionists now

Is it wrong to want to date guys who blog about their inner monologues in a way that involves thinly-veiled references to me? I have not yet met such a guy, but I feel like I would find the situation gratifying. Oh look, he thought about me at 3:22pm! And three people commented!"

we're ripening and burgeoning, metaphorically always

I have had a splendidly exciting life lately. I think it is time to buckle down and write more actual jokes for all you fine people.

Please bear with me as my one-woman show ripens and is harvested to be put into the surrogate of a Manhattan art theater NO! STOP TALKING ABOUT EGGS! CEASE AND DESIST THE EGGING!

Seriously, I am in the process of writing a one-woman show. It is called "What Philosophy Majors Do After College." It covers my various careers as a/an:

• failed dotcom entrepreneur
• art model
• SAT instructor
• trapeze artist's assistant
• photographic ass double
• contraceptive tester
• spelling bee impresario
• egg donor to a gay man
• and, finally, comedian.

..and how those careers relate to Kant, social contract theory, Foucault, and the ever-present problem of what it would all mean if instead of being a man who dreamed he were a butterfly, we were instead a butterfly dreaming he were a man.

(Hint, hint: If I commit my goals to an RSS feed, I can't back out on them now! Write, bitch, write.)

tequila, chinchilla, chinquilla, tinquilla, let's call the whole thing off

Tonight I was very hungry and was going to get some $2 tacos when I realized that I can actually afford to get some real dinner, perhaps even in a neighborhood other than East Harlem. So I thought long and hard about it, and what was I hungry for? Tacos.

I ended up with a flaming steak (covered in tequila and set afire at my table), served with rice and beans and cactus leaf. I love cactus! It's like if a pickle were mild enough that you could just eat a whole slab of it.

This was, however, in East Harlem, so the whole thing was still only $13.

I'd like to give a mad shout-out to Megan for trekking up to East Harlem to hang out, a feat which a number of male suitors have failed to accomplish, much to the detriment of their prospects.

At right is a (completely adorable) picture of Megan and her chinchilla, Monte. After I previously mentioned having met Monte and watched him eat an almond by holding it in one paw and taking bites out of it like an apple, several people told me they had no idea what a chinchilla looked like, so here we are.

I did, in fact, crash my own comedy show -- tonight was the night for Comedy Show & Tell, but since I expected to be off donating eggs, I lined up Michelle Maclay of The Social to guest host, but then I ended up back in town earlier than expected, so I just sat in the back and watched. Michelle did a lovely job. You'll be able to see me at her show, The Social, coming up in October, and you can see me run the next Comedy Show & Tell myself on October 10 -- scroll down a bit to check the schedule in the righthand sidebar of this blog.

Come see me at Pete's! I am there so often, it's like I keep office hours.

and so it ends, with a cab ride and a Cuban sandwich

I am back in New York and looking forward to many fruitful non-ovarian discussions with all you fine people.

As a (near) final reflection, I will say that producing offspring is indeed our insurance against our own mortality. Having contributed in some minor way to producing a child or several, I can earnestly say that if I were hit by a truck tomorrow and had one last moment to think things over, I'd be that much happier that I had sent some genes off into the world. Good luck and godspeed.

an ode to room service

The only thing I love more
than an English muffin

is an English muffin
delivered to my door in a little basket

lovingly nestled in a cloth napkin
accompanied by individual pots of jam

and paid for by an agency that helps gays and lesbians produce children in ways that would have been biologically impossible just years ago, but now allows for the purchase of genetic material from young women with good SAT scores, and its transport across state lines.

That is how much I love English muffins.

Magritte's playlist

I just ordered an iPod and had it engraved with "Ceci n'est pas une iPod."


Thanks to spelling winner Josh for being my muse on this one.

update from solitary hotel room

I have now contributed exactly nine eggs towards the production of little half-gay Jenlets.

When I woke up, one of the nurses marveled at my "perfect makeup." I thought well, it was perfect when I went in -- what exactly were you doing with my face that would make it any different?

The anesthesiologist heard I was a comedian. Then he gave me drugs that made me think I was hi-larious (when, even now, as I am still quite dizzy, it is clear I was not). Highlights:

When the anesthesiologist told me he was going to give me some "relaxation medicine": "That's very flattering, because I hear a lot about roofies and no one's tried to slip me any yet."

As the anesthesiologist was putting in an IV and told me not to move or look: "That's what all the boys say."

When I asked how many eggs had been retrieved and was told it was nine: "Can you tell ahead of time which ones have the best college prospects? Because I can teach them how to take the SAT."

There was more. So much more. Making Jenlets. Need room service. Where IS everybody?

cheaper by the dozen

My eggs are overachieving. I am flying out in the a.m. on Friday and having the eggs out on Saturday, instead of on Tuesday, as anticipated.

My ladyfriend Emily asked last night "When do you hatch?"

I thought it was funny that I'd been through months of egg business without anyone saying that.

the lady luck of lettuce

I am really having trouble just dealing with the sheer excitement of my life right now.

First of all, I just read this article in the Times about "dewy go-getters" moving to the city and becoming sad, embittered, impoverished urban underdwellers.

E. B. White, in his famous essay "Here Is New York," wrote that no one should come to New York unless he was willing to be lucky. But not everybody gets lucky. You can make a slip, and then another, or somebody else can make a slip, and then ... the city swallows you up, like an ogre in a fairy tale.

Reading this article (which ends with an anecdote about a once-beautiful old lady who has been reduced to foraging in the garbage for discarded heads of lettuce) prompted me to decide on the spot that I am basically just never going to complain again. I have a good life, and one in which a small but eminently likeable group of people are wearing Peeps t-shirts.

Once upon a time I was stuck in Virginia, running a company I had put my whole life into and which eventually tanked catastrophically and sort of broke me. And then I moved to Harlem, which I'm not sure I would've even managed if that nice girl at the coffeeshop in Norfolk hadn't bought my juicer from me at the last minute for $150.

Anyway, today I received a personal email from Neal Pollack! I was very flattered. He asked me to perform in "Bad Sex with Neal Pollack" at the 215 Festival in Philadelphia, to which I thusly agreed. (Any readers in Philly? October 8 - save the date!)

I'm heading out to LA soon to finish up this egg business. Hoping to meet some comedy peeps out there, maybe at least hit an open mic or something. You know, while helping a gay guy make a baby. It's good to multitask.

The next Jenny Vaudeville Show will feature fire eating, sarcastic clowns, satiric teen pop sensation Teen Tawny, and free rubber duckies.

My blogging gig with Fleshbot is still happening. Things are looking auspicious that you'll see posts by "J. Dziura" in a week or so.

I have additionally been contacted by a woman who is doing a documentary on women in comedy. And I got a spot in a comedy club showcase for a college booker. And this evening I met a lovely lady whom I contacted after reading a magazine article she wrote; when I got in at 3am or so, the very nice cab driver offered to wait around until I got in the front door.

I am enjoying all the hot fairy godmother action.

she's so cute and pessimistic

Comedienne Lianne Stokes, who performed at my last Comedy Show & Tell, recently received spam purporting to be from someone in a refugee camp. Lianne wrote back.

It's A-mazing that you are a refugee-yet have a Internet access. I don't even own my own computer.

Read the whole thing here.

shout-out

I've been telling some new jokes about when, post-breakup, one decides to switch one's Friendster profile back to "single," and how you know it's really over when you finally log in to the ex's profile and see that he's deleted your testimonial. Comedienne Rachael Parenta, appearing at Comedy Show & Tell on October 10, comments:

Sometimes at 28 years of age I feel like an old woman. I hear the young girls talking about stalking boys and all it involves is google searches and extensive blog reading. In my day stalking wasn't something you could do from home. If you wanted to stalk someone you had to save up, buy a plane ticket, and go to Chicago.

That's why I gave up stalking the jet lag was killing me.

Go here for more.

one more ovoid artifact

Brian Van of The Lectern (as previously blogged about) photographed his egg from the Jenny Vaudeville Show (click for a recap):

leaving on a jet plane ... but I left you some comedy

Next Monday I'll be donating eggs, but you can come to a free comedy show that has nothing whatsoever to do with eggs. Comedy Show & Tell shall continue in my absence.

Comedy Show & Tell
Monday, September 26
7:30pm
Pete's Candy Store, 709 Lorimer St. (map)
FREE

Comedy Show & Tell mixes performances by top young comedians with actual, old-fashioned show and tell by audience members. To participate, bring a silly object to share and show up a few minutes early to get on the list. (Or, just come watch!)
Featuring...

• Leighann Lord (NBC's Comedy Showcase, VH-1's Stand Up Spotlight, Def Comedy All-Star Jam, Comedy Central's Premium Blend)
  
  
• Matt McCarthy (The Social, Caroline's, Gotham, Stand Up New York, and - seriously - The Edison County NJ Custodians Banquet)
  
  
• Jenny Rubin (Gotham, Chicks & Giggles, The Social, MintyFresh, Fifth Dentist improv troupe)
  
  ...and guest-hosted by Michelle Maclay of The Social!
  

there's a joke here about porn, Katrina, and getting people wet, but I'm not going to be the one to make it

Various readers have wondered why I haven't been posting to Fleshbot (after being written about in August, I was hired to do a two week stint as a guest editor, with the possibility of being hired for ongoing blogging). Turns out the editor I was working with was evacuated from New Orleans, thus creating one of the unrecognized tragedies of Katrina -- keeping American from its adult industry blogging.

I get three English words a day and one Spanish one in my email every morning

From today's "Word of the Day":

backronym (BAK-ro-nim) noun

A word re-interpreted as an acronym.

[Compound of back + acronym.]

In a backronym, an expansion is invented to treat an existing word as an acronym. An example is the PERL programming language whose name is now explained as an acronym of Practical Extraction and Report Language.

When naming, sometimes a suitable name is chosen and then an acronym is retrofitted on top of it: USA PATRIOT Act (Uniting and Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism). The clunkiness of the expansion is a quick giveaway.

I wonder if there's a special word for words like "backronym," which are sort of puns, and sort of just annoying.

s-p-e-l-l-i-n-g recap

The spelling bee tonight was charming! It was a full room but not overly packed, with fourteen contestants (we'll take up to twenty if people sign up in time, but with twenty, I have to rush things a bit).

The bee was won decisively by Mr. Josh Malamy (also winner of the August 22 bee), who brought his mother and aunt to watch. He spelled a fantastic array of words correctly, including "chaffinch" and "lepidopterologist." Spellers Jean and Annie took second and third place, respectively. Annie actually conquered in a runoff for third, thus achieving a particularly hard-won sandwich.

bobbyblue and I did a bit of bantering about the sandwiches at Pete's (third place winner gets a free sandwich) and why it is that panini sandwiches become better because they've been pressed. Do we really want our sandwiches denser and flatter? I theorized that it was related to the desire to smush Wonderbread into dough when you're a kid -- pressing is great! Pressing greatly adds to the desirability of bread products. Mmmn, Wonderdough.

Josh may soon be moving to Chicago, where he is thinking of starting up his own spelling bee. I have given my blessing to this project. We could have a sister spelling bee!

At some point during the bee, I made remarks about spellers uniting to form a giant Voltron Speller. I really can't remember the context. I have no idea why I said this.

Spelly-spellers, unite!

imagine being a nurse in the maternity ward who wasn't told about any of this

Today I learned the first name of the surrogate mother who will be receiving my eggs. I can't tell you the name, but it sounded like a traditionally black name, which made me ask the agency if, in fact, my eggs were being put in a black woman. The agency said they couldn't tell me that. The woman from the agency did, however, share the fact that she herself had been a surrogate mother, and that she is white but gave birth to a 100% Japanese baby.

Now, I assume that the gay man who has selected my eggs is white, since most people want to have kids who look like them, and he is single, so it's not like there's a partner involved who might be of another race (in which case, for instance, he might use his own sperm and a donor from his partner's race).

So, there's a good possibility that somewhere, in about 9+ months, a black woman is going to give birth to the whitest baby alive. I mean, you've seen me. Even if the gay guy is sort of tanned-looking, I am so milky-pale that I'm sure I'd compensate for that.

egg tales

People have been sharing the oddest egg-related anecdotes lately. One friend told me that she interviewed to be an egg donor and was turned down because of a double suicide (of an elderly couple with painful illnesses) in the family, which the psychologist derisively referred to as a "family history of murder."

A charming new acquaintance wrote to say "I sent an application to be an egg donor recently. They didn't respond. I think it was because I'd carried the application around in my bag for so long and it was kind of beaten up by the time I mailed it, which they may fear the eggs I delivered to them would be. Smudged with chocolate."

And finally, Aeric, the photographer who takes the awesome photos on my site, received one of the eggs I donated at the Jenny Vaudeville Show, and he took it home and photographed it:


Doesn't it look ethereal?

on TV, and happily bouncing away

Two new items on the Sarcastic Sex Toy Blog. View at your own risk.

I'm teaching class all weekend (today I taught dividing a fraction by another fraction to thirteen year olds) and then getting ready to go to L.A. for egg-related purposes.

The next event going on is the Williamsburg Spelling Bee on Monday, September 19th, 7:30pm (arrive early to sign up), at Pete's Candy Store.

the virtual Jenny Vaudeville Show

The Jenny Vaudeville show this Wednesday night was attended by many, but for those of you inconveniently located outside of New York, here is my recounting of the show, so chock full of multimedia that you can sort of pretend you were there. Photos are courtesy of Ryan Brenizer.


Jen opening the show
I opened up with some observations on recent events, including being single and having a new crockpot (it only makes one thing, and that thing is stew).

I try to keep the Jenny V. show civilized, but I couldn't help commenting on a poster I had seen on the subway. An ad for a support hotline said "You weren't alone before HIV. You're not alone now." Way to rub it in! No, you weren't alone before HIV. In fact, there's a very good chance you had someone else's cock in your ass, which is physically incompatible with being alone.


Is a crockpot a good boyfriend substitute?
And, moving along ... our first act was musical comedian Aaron Haber, who began with a song entitled "I'm sad," which at various points in the song was rhymed with the words "mad" and "bad." The IQ level of the room was thereafter raised noticably when Mr. Haber launched into a war protest song ... against the Peloponnesian War.


Aaron Haber
Mr. Haber also performed a song (link below) about his deceased ex-girlfriend.


I know you're burning in the flaming pits of hell/
but you wouldn't f*ck me anymore, so I guess it's just as well

Performer Link: Aaron Haber
Listen: Baby

The Jenny Vaudeville show alternates its booked acts with contests in which audience members may win prizes. The first contest was "extreme spelling," in which one volunteer (actually, performer Aaron Haber, feeling the need to return to the stage so soon after leaving) attempted to spell the phrase "perseverance and prominence" (both among the 250 most misspelled words in the English language) to the tune of the alphabet song. He gave up around "s" and began adding silent q's and various other misplaced letters. Very funny. He received the consolation prize, a box of Jell-O.


Megan Rudesill
Previous Williamsburg Spelling Bee winner Megan Rudesill volunteered for the next challenge, correctly spelling "excavation" backwards. She won a real prize, which was a CD from Schaffer the Darklord.


Thaddeus Rutkowski
Thaddeus Rutkowski, author of two novels and a series of chapbooks called "The Sex Fiend Monologues," performed several spoken word pieces, including one about having a fetish for women in bathing caps. While other guys in the college dorms wanted to go on panty raids, he wanted to go on skullcap raids.... The piece also referred to trying to lure women into the shower, while frightening them about getting their hair wet. Thad performed this piece while wearing a shower cap.

Performer Link: Thaddeus Rutkowski
Text Link: The Mad Capper

After Thad, I ran our next contest, called "Comedy Trivia." Three volunteers, Brian, Mark, and Pat, came to the stage to each answer three trivia questions. Contestants are awarded two points for a correct answer and one point (or some fraction to be determined by me) for an incorrect but funny answer. I think one of the contestants answered a question by saying that the name of the elephant who "heard a Who" in Dr. Suess's book was Micheal Moore, which earned five-eighths of a point, but Brian ended up winning with the only correct answer in the round -- the word deliberately left out of the movie version of "The Godfather" was, of course, "mafia." Brian won copies of Thaddeus Rutkowski's chapbooks, "The Sex Fiend Monologues" I, II, and III.


Brian, Mark, and Pat answer comedy trivia
Normally the Jenny V. show has four performers and I emcee, but this evening I took the third spot myself to perform a "live egg donation." I read a bit from an article I wrote about egg donation, talked a bit about the class issues involved in selecting egg donors versus surrogate mothers (it's like you take Felicity's eggs and put them in Roseanne), and then handed out hard-boiled eggs to the audience.


These people have eggs
When my egg carton was empty and I returned to the mic, I asked the recipients to turn the eggs over and tell everyone what was written on them. "Billy is famous!" said someone. "Mary Jane is famous!" Yes, I named all my eggs. Schaffer the Darklord received "Varla is famous."


An audience member holds "Justine is famous"
Our final contest was the monthly "Guess the Author," in which I read from a famous piece of literature and people shout out author names until someone gets it right. Previous authors have included Dostoevsky, Brautigan, and Machiavelli. This time it was the poem "The Little Old Lady in Lavendar Silk," in which the speaker, aged seventy-seven, declares she "shall shortly be losing my bloom," and that, in the end, nothing was more fun than a man. "Walt Whitman!" someone yelled out, which was funny (someone also yelled out "Maya Angelou!") but Megan was the first person to yell out "Dorothy Parker!", thus winning herself my CD.

Finally, our headliner, Schaffer the Darklord took the stage. I have seen him many times at his (now-concluded) variety show at Apocalypse Lounge, where he was often performing for an audience who knew his material already. However, this audience was composed almost entirely of Darklord virgins and Schaffer's old standards were met with raucous laughter and applause.


Schaffer the Darklord
Schaffer opened with "The Rappist" (which is what he wishes to be called instead of a "rapper"), in which he promises never to end his lyrics with prepositions. Schaffer then moved into "Attack of the Clonefucker," "Cat People," and his newest song, "Scorpio."


Clonefucker, it'll be like humping the mirror
Schaffer's arrangements ("Cat People" contains sound effects from his actual cat) have never sounded as good as they did on the tiny Pete's stage.

Performer link: Schaffer the Darklord
Listen: Clonefucker and Cat People on Myspace

Jen and Schaffer
After the show, one audience member suggested I should have received a "standing ovulation." Ha. Brian Van emailed later to say:

Yeah, I ate little Justine is Famous. She was tasty. *burp*

Syd wrote:

In my experience, rapping and egg donations have always been sure-fire crowd pleasers. I hear that's what put Nancy Sinatra on the map.

And Thaddeus Rutkowski sent this:

Our 4-year-old daughter found your "Billy is Famous" egg this morning and asked, "Who's in this egg?" Hard to answer.

The next Jenny Vaudeville Show will be Wednesday, October 12, and will feature fire eating and free rubber duckies.

CNN was no help, but here's a bit on Afghanistan

In an AP article about the Afghan elections, a purported Taliban spokesman says:

"Our demand to the people of Afghanistan is, 'Don't participate in this election because it is a U.S. policy.' The Taliban is against all U.S. policies."

I love when people make unsupportable blanket statements like this. All U.S. policies? How about Arbor Day? Are you against trees? How about our policy of not executing enemy prisoners? Is he opposed to the Geneva Convention? How about subsidies for farmers in the Grain Belt? Tariffs on imported olive oils and cheeses? Federal highway funding in Montana? I wonder if the Taliban is against the No Child Left Behind Act.

This is like telling an ex "I hate everything about you," but then realizing that, actually, he's wearing a pretty nice shirt.

Sort of hidden towards the bottom of the article is the more salient fact that:

"Gunmen dragged election candidate Abdul Hadi from his house in southern Helmand province Thursday night and killed him.... His death brought to seven the number of candidates killed in the lead-up to the polls."

This reminded me of the article from the Times last month about a candidate who "is one of seven women campaigning to represent Afghanistan's nomadic tribes, known as the Kuchis, in the Parliament to be elected Sept. 18." The article makes her out to be near-saintly, a widow traveling the countryside, talking about securing grazing lands and midwives for her people. In a country with candidates being dragged out and shot, however, it's hard to imagine any but the most ardent do-gooders running for office; democracy gets a bit muddied when only a serious ulterior motive would make running for office worth the risk.

Other than that bit of cynicism, all looks hopeful. Certainly better than anything going on in Iraq.

CNN loves cute animals, hates actual world news

Today, I was apprised by a reliable source that elections are occurring in Afghanistan this weekend. I figured I'd pop on over to CNN.com and see what they had to say about it. Silly me, I think I was raised in a household in which CNN was considered a Serious News Source. Top headlines in "World News" right now:


So, let me get this straight ... we are running a major news story about DOLPHINS that need to be RESCUED from the SEA.

Do they also run stories about birds that were tragically released into the air? "They're just out there, flying somewhere.... we must find them!"

Why is this story even in the "world" news section to begin with? Because the dolphins escaped into the Gulf of Mexico, which is a body of water with another country's name in its name? Brilliant!

Also, Zimbabwe and China are "boosting ties" with a tiger swap. This means visitors to zoos in both nations will see slightly differently-striped tigers than before. Also, China and Zimbabwe had better boost those ties -- I don't want to see any fighting between you two. You just settle down.

the state of things

This evening I had a phone tutorial from the egg donation people regarding the new medications I am taking (on top of the old ones). After fully fifteen minutes of sucking liquid into a syringe and then pushing it into little bottles of powder and sucking the dissolved powder back up, the nurse asks "Are you okay with using your stomach for this?"

This, I do to give a gay man a baby, yes, but also, of course, for the money, which I am going to use to further my career, as it stands. Along with touring (info coming soon!), I am also going to get an iPod with one of those voice recorders, and an armband, so I can record all my comedy performances and then podcast them.

So I just stuck a giant needle into my stomach and injected a bunch of fertility drugs that kind of burn and hurt, but about an inch below the skin, so there's nothing I can do about it.

In response to a mention of my egg donation, comedian Al Wagner replied "How are you going to get an egg all the way to New Orleans without breaking it?"

oh, Jon, how I love thee

CNN.com posted an article about comedians' take on Katrina. Courtesy of Jon Stewart:

What's President Bush's position on Roe vs. Wade?

Answer: He doesn't care how people get out of New Orleans.

Letterman joked about Hurricane Ophelia that "the Bush administration is getting ready to ignore it."