I saw something in an ad on the subway and bought it and I am not ashamed of that

I am so happy with my Treo that I can barely contain myself. My Treo does everything I could ever want. I like it better than I like boys.

If I write a text message on the subway, my Treo will quietly try to send the message in the background and it will often succeed when the train stops for just a moment at the station.

My Treo has a nice camera that allows me to email photos to people with audio greetings. And it has a camcorder feature! I didn't even know that when I bought it. Imagine buying something, being completely happy with the value you received for the price you paid, and then discovering you get a camcorder. Also, the calendar syncs with my Mac with no trouble, and when I sync, it automatically downloads my photos. And when I type messages, the Treo automatically capitalizes my I's and adds apostrophes, features I never wanted on a regular computer but do now that I'm typing with my thumbs. Brilliance!

Oh, and my Treo has a speakerphone! I can just leave it on my desk while I'm talking! That alone is worth some bucks to me. And when the phone is on my desk, there's another little button I could press if I wanted -- the RECORD button. I can record my phone conversations! And, presumably, email them to people!

I can also blog from my phone! And look at Mapquest ... while I'm actually out of the house!

I have illustrated this post with totally gratuitous Treo photos: the totally outrageous Jem and the Holograms t-shirt I am wearing today under a clever little jacket, and me enjoying my Treo by using it to take a picture of myself in the mirror.

I could also, presumably, use my Treo camera to take pictures during sex! Accompanied by an audio greeting! And I could email these pictures to others before I'm even done having sex. Too bad I like my Treo more than I like boys.

Addendum, from a friend: "i think i may start a nation wide boycott of this treo. it's just another mechanical what's-it making girls less interested in nice boys like myself. it isn't enough that the damn rabbit is on the market. i get one-upped by the rabbit in the physical stimulation and now i'm not half as clever or interesting as a cell-phone. on that note i've gotten myself an appointment to get calf implants."

"I thought we might be soulmates, but then I heard her spell daiquiri wrong"

Blogger and contestant Ryan Hunter has written a humorous and compelling account of his stint in the Williamsburg Spelling Bee Finals:

Yes, the word was siderography, but... for some reason (Scotch), in my final round of the Spelling Bee finals, I chose to spell the word "ciderorography," which is not a word per sé, but would certainly be a really adorable attempt at one by a retarded child.

trinkets and baubles for sale

Design by Molly Crabapple, Jen-head by John Leavitt.


"Grammatically Correct Comedy" magnet
$3.99, click to buy

new review on sarcaticsex.com (for those of you not at work right now)

An all-new space-age review is up on the Sarcastic Sex Toy Blog!

Enjoy the 5x Giga Power Space Explorer Chrome Bullet Vibe. Or not.

5x what? Giga what? You'll have to get around your company's internet security system to find out.

two spelling bee items

Adriana Vink is looking forward to competing in the bee despite being less than a month old. Better study up with that alphabet blanket ... for the next 20 years and eleven months!

Good Morning America got back to me -- they are still filming (presumably filming other spelling bees) and will air the spot in late November.

those Brits, with their butter and their jesting!

I had "bread and butter pudding" for dessert at Tea & Sympathy, the British restaurant in Greenwich Village. Like a heart attack in a bowl! Bread pudding with raisins drowned in an entire cereal-bowl full of buttery custard sauce!

I found a recipe here.

Bizarrely, I also found a comedy article about bread and butter pudding, in which probably half of the humor is incomprehensible to Americans, and the rest of sort of cross-cultural, except for being a five-webpage-long fake recipe.

Splash-drop three high-tablespoons of cognac into a handmade mixing-bowl. Applique the currants. Leave them in there for three to six months to make sure they're completely exasperated. Meanwhile, slice your loaf thinly and let the slices breathe. We put them in a basket by the tennis court. For the custard, hob-heat your milk soupcons till they enquire. Wood-blend fifty grams of organic caster sugar. We wood-blend to Purcell. Though long-dead, his music soothes and thrills in just the right proportions. Leak approximately 2.5 millilitres of Madagascan vanilla essence. It's easily available in all good foodshops in Madagascar. Pour in the beaten eggs and fluff diplomatically till the custard's thoroughly relaxed.

this is pretty much why I moved to New York

Last night I attended Viva Van Story's rockabilly photo exhibit at CB's Gallery in the presence of the delicious Lady E, Miss Molly Crabapple (who, regrettably, split before I remembered the photographic capabilities of my Treo), illustrator John Leavitt (designer of my new CD cover), Veronica Varlow of Dangerdame, The World Famous *BOB*, Juline of The Whores, and a handful of friends from college I wasn't expecting to run into. I saw plenty of tattoos, Bettie Page and Marilyn lookalikes, and boys with clever hair.


some serious burlesque boobs!


Lady E, looking blurry but swank, swank but blurry


I'm getting nose-kissed by Veronica Varlow!

and now, for a moment, my blog becomes highly prosaic

My Treo takes pictures! I had nothing unusual take a picture of, so here's me and Cow:

maybe a rumor, maybe not

Fresh from the newswire:

"Did you know that Bill Maher kind of mentioned your spelling bee on his HBO show???"

Details forthcoming.

Update from friend:

Bill Maher has this show on HBO, and the end of every show (a highlight of the show) he has these things called 'new rules'... where he has humorous insights on news of the day.. and the LAST new rule, was something like.. NEW RULE.. ADULTS MUST STOP ACTING LIKE CHILDREN.. and then he went off on a tangent on how adults (I guess around our generation) spend their time doing childish things like playing video games, and Halloween, etc.. and he says.. I MEAN TODAY YOU EVEN GO TO SPELLING BEES IN BARS........

Now there's absolutely no way someone on his writing staff didn't read the NY Times article to get that part in there.

I concur! Bill Maher's writing staff is vaguely aware of my presence!

geeking out in my "QT3.14159" t-shirt

You can count in base 12 on your knuckles! What geekariffic joy! From A-Word-a-Day:

nychthemeron (nik-THEM-er-on) noun

A full period of a day and night: 24 hours.

[From Greek, a combination of nykt- (night) and hemera (day).]

Ever wondered why day and night were divided into 12 hours? The number 12 is not as random as it sounds. There are 12 moons in a year. The number 12 is easy to divide into halves, thirds, and quarters. Also, some cultures counted in base 12: three joints on each finger (thumb as the counter).

now that I've said this, Apple wants me to switch back

My computer has only two USB ports, yet I have a printer, an external drive, a Treo, and an iPod that all want to be in them at once. It's like a gangbang porn around my iBook, wherein my iBook is the girl who called for a dozen pizzas (or a dozen plumbers?), and all the technological devices have to wait around for their turns.

YWCA comedy show poster

November 17th! All-women comedy for the YWCA.


click to enlarge

what I do on Friday nights

I had a drink with an old friend for about an hour and a half tonight, and that's about the only time I've torn myself away from my desk. Sometimes I forget I live on top of a sandwich shop and I can stop to feed myself during sandwich-making business hours.

I am going to accomplish ten more to-do list items before bed. Let's see how it goes. (When you set a number as your to-do goal, you never do things like "write a treatment for my new screenplay." You do stuff like "pay the phone bill online." Ah, well, more time to work on a screenplay later. Incidentally, in my new screenplay, I am a kung fu librarian. This is awesome, but it's a good year down my to-do list).

Update: Here are my ten items:

• update the spelling blog (our winners are now winning tickets from the 25th Annual Putnam Country Spelling Bee musical!)
  
• write season 3 spelling bee press release
  
• work on press kit
  
• fill out Treo rebate form
  
• put Treo software on computer and try to sync
  
• um ... four more really lame things so I can sleep
  

You know what's kind of not hip and glamorous? I am making steel-cut oats for tomorrow morning in my crockpot. It apparently will cook the oats all night so I have oatmeal in the morning (steel-cut is healthier than instant). Sexy!

addendum to the Playgirl post

I hope I haven't inadvertently sent out the message that anyone I might date needs to look like a Playgirl model. I am keeping my personal and professional lives very separate here. In fact, I would strongly prefer that anyone I actually date have absolutely zero photographs of himself covered in body oil.

casting for Playgirl (really)

The photographer for the Playgirl shoot has had a hard time finding the right male model. If you are a male model or look like one, are available for work in New York, and wish to appear nude in Playgirl for pay, you may email photos to playgirl@jenisfamous.com. Please send face and NON-NUDE body shots (swimsuit or underwear). We are looking for a "college boy"/Abercrombie type, young and muscular.

These photos will be viewed by a casting person, so please do not think I have invited anyone to send their steamy photos to me directly. If I want to look at sexy boys, I won't be doing it over email.

here would be an okay place for a "gaydar" joke

George Takei, Sulu from the original Star Trek, has come out of the closet! Apparently, aside from hiding his homosexuality all these years, he was also interned in a camp for Japanese-Americans during World War II. How much does one man have to take? Anyway, he looks pretty stylin'.

I have to donate money to charity now to apologize for saying what I just said

A friend of mine who works at UNICEF attended a press conference with "Whoopi Goldberg, Sir Roger Moore and Kami the HIV positive muppet from South Africa."

I had to look this up, but it's absolutely (positively?) true.

Maybe Kermit could join her on the show for a heartfelt rendition of "It's Not Easy Being Immunosuppressed."

I have to admit, in case of fire, I would prefer to be rescued by large, male firefighters

I scheduled an appointment for the cable company to come fix my cable. The technician they sent is an old lady. She had to stop on the fourth floor because she couldn't climb to a fifth-floor walkup. She spent at least five minutes just sitting in a chair in my apartment, recovering.

She sounds like a native English speaker, though, which is a big plus.

Update: She totally fixed that shiznit.

I've got a new robot spleen, too

I just got a Treo. I am overwhelmed by technology. When I got my iPod last month, I accidentally deleted the iPod playlist, and now I can't figure out how to change what's on the iPod at all. I got a voice recorder for the iPod and recorded some comedy but I haven't figured out how to get the comedy off the iPod.

Now, more technology. I signed up for a Frappr map. You can go here and add yourself, and then I can see little pinpoints on the map for all of you. Isn't that neat? Or, it could be, if some of you go add yourselves.

Add yourself to my Frappr map!
Update: Some of you have started adding yourselves to the map! See, it is neat! Maybe if enough people add themselves, I'll know where to go on tour! If you want me to come to your city, just get some other people near you to map themselves. This is a superb use of technology, although I have a hard time imagining who but me would actually find this useful. I mean, if you're using it to map people you know, well ... don't you already know where your friends live? Thanks, Frappr, for making this technology available; I like you even though you dislike the orthodox usage of vowels in English.

More Update: This is probably amazing only to New Yorkers, but my Treo sends text messages on the subway. You know how sometimes you get a bit of reception on the platform or stopped at a station? I wrote a message on my Treo while on the 6 and tried to send the message. On my old phone, a message that can't be saved is saved to "Drafts" and then I would have to go find it again later and remember to send it. Instead, my Treo conveniently informed me that the text message would be sent automatically next time I was on the network. And then, without bothering me one bit, my Treo kept trying, patiently, in the background, and then surprised me at the 86th St. stop with a notice that the message had sent.

I am an all-out cyborg. I am having my eyes replaced with robot eyes that will see into all of your fragile organic souls.

friends of Dorothy are friends of Playgirl

The photographer for Playgirl is still sending me photos to see if I think the models are hot. She sent two and asked what I thought. "A five out of ten and a gay out of ten," I replied.

friends of Neal Pollack read my blog

Another entry in the JenIsFamous $50 Photo Contest -- J.D. Finch is reading JenisFamous in his glasses. How'd he do that?

Everybody needs friends. Even satirically-minded marital aid reviewers.

The Sarcastic Sex Toy Blog now has its own MySpace membership. Go make friends!

November 9th. Arrive early to get a seat. The Jenny V Show turns standing-room only pretty fast.

I could not be more excited about the November 9th Jenny Vaudeville Show. A woman is going to eat glass. Banjo playing, Onion headlines, medieval Jewish rap. I have actually heard Soce rap to classical music. He is no novelty act; that's talent. I am also pleased that Curtis Eller (pictured) is putting the "vaudeville" back in the Jenny Vaudeville Show. And everyone wants to know if the glass-eater spits or swallows. You could try to ask her yourself. She might bitchslap you for it.

Here is the handbill for the November 9th show

Thanks again to Jamie B. Wolcott for the illustration (photo of Curtis Eller also by Ms. Wolcott).

The Jenny Vaudeville Show
Wednesday, Nov. 9, 10pm, FREE
Pete's Candy Store, 709 Lorimer St.

Musical comedy, ventriloquism, magic, dancing unicorns! Audience members can win prizes in trivia and literary contests! Emceed by comedienne Jenisfamous, this month featuring glass-eater A.V. Phibes, banjo player Curtis Eller, Onion writer Sam Means reading his rejected headlines, and medieval Jewish rapper Soce the Elemental Wizard.

Directions to Pete's: Take the L train to the second stop in Brooklyn, Lorimer. Exit at the head of the train, and walk along Lorimer in the direction of the BQE. Pete's is 1.5 blocks past the BQE, on your left. 709 Lorimer Street, between Frost and Richardson Streets. (718) 302-3770.

the value of punctuation: it conveys meaning!

I saw a sign at 2nd Ave and St. Marx that said:

HELP WANTED PIZZAMAN

It didn't have any punctuation. I think the intended meaning was "Help wanted: pizzaman." (A colon goes before a list or explanation). However, it could have been "Help wanted, Pizzaman!"

And then the imperiled people light the Pizzaman Signal, sending a distress beacon into the night sky, and Pizzaman comes flying in, faster than a speeding pepperoni stick, ready to save the day ... with pizza.

precision comedy

I did a set at The Social tonight. I came in right towards the end (I left work as early as I could, but I still didn't arrive until the last quarter of the show), the producer pointed at me and mouthed "You're next!", and I was on stage five minutes later. Then the show ended, I met a couple of fabulous comics (shout-outs: Katina! Billy! Nick!) and re-encountered some more fabulous comics of previous acquaintanceship (Laura! Jenny!) and I was out of there with a total time usage of perhaps forty minutes. That's efficiency!

I just received an email from the producers of the Laughing Liberally comedy show I am doing November 1st. The email said "Hope you're well. The exact time you're performing is below… You will be performing at 10:09pm on Nov 1st."

That is one finely-crafted precision instrument of a show.

The Tour

I have not yet named my first-ever comedy tour. I think I'm going to stick with the basics: The JenisFamous Show. I'm getting more buttons, reduplicating CDs, and getting other merch (new t-shirts) to offer. This November, I am touring to Charlottesville, Cleveland, and Austin. In the new year, I am touring to San Francisco, Los Angeles, Boston, D.C., Syracuse, New Hampshire/Vermont, and Chicago.

If you live in one of those cities, you could sign up here:

Join the jen is famous dot com mailing list for your city! Subscribers get access to exclusive comedy material a tingly feeling in their special parts.

Email:

If you live elsewhere but could help me get the word out in one of those cities, I'd love an email from you.

hot guys in flight suits

I sent an email to my mom with the subject heading "Playgirl calling." She wrote "This sounds a lot better than 'Avon calling.'"

this, my friends, is the caliber of entertainment I bring to you

Molly Crabapple at the last Jenny Vaudeville Show. Photo by Aeric Meredith-Goujon.


Come to the next show on November 9 (10pm, Pete's, free) to watch A.V. Phibes (the woman who taught Molly to eat fire!) up the ante by eating glass.

Laughing Liberally on November 1st

Laughing Liberally is a new progressive comedy show that sets out to save democracy one laugh at a time. Expect astute commentary, side-splitting laughs and passionate prose that takes a bitingly humorous look at the state of the union. So join us a Laughing Liberally at Stand-Up New York, October 25, November 1, 8 and 15.

STAND-UP NY @ 9PM
(236 West 78th Street - west of Broadway)

Tuesday Oct. 25th, Nov. 1st*, 8th & 15th
$10 Cover ˆ No Drink Minimum
Reservations: (212) 595-0850

Featured Comics:
Ted Alexandro (Tough Crowd), Eddie Brill (Late Night w/ David Letterman), Jim David (Tough Crowd), Julie Goldman(VH-1)
Marga Gomez (Comedy Central), Dean Obeidallah(Comedy Central), Maysoon Zayid (MTV and 20/20), and many others.

* I will be appearing in the Nov. 1 show. And I'm bringing my abortion jokes.

oh, baby

I met comic Carolyn Castiglia's baby! Carolyn was not only doing comedy right up until she went into labor, she was doing leg kicks and deep squats in her comedy act (I even found you a few-weeks old picture, at right). Some of us were a little afraid to laugh. But I now look forward to a gamut of breastfeeding jokes.

Cutely, I was holding little Adriana when she got hungry and turned her head in ... and tried to suck on one of the buttons on my dress. That's time to turn the baby back over to the lady with the all-organic milk supply....

Might as well plug Chicks & Giggles here, the all-female comedy show Carolyn runs and in which I perform fairly regularly. It was sort of Carolyn's "baby," until she had a, you know, baby.

a discourse on Halloween

Everybody wants to be all sexy for Halloween. Sexy vampires, sexy nurses, sexy bumblebees. Apparently there's a "sexy barista" costume that says something on the shirt like "warning: contents are very hot." Whatever.

I'm going as Minnie Mouse. I was wearing a red, full-skirted vintage dress yesterday with black tights and flats and kind of realized I already had a bit of the Minnie thing covered. All I need is some ears. I like to be efficient with my social events. I'm not spending all day putting something together.

As an addendum, I'd like to say that I would never dress as Minnie and be accompanied by a man dressed as Mickey, because if you're going to be a walking Disney ad, you should get paid for that shit. Although it might be funny to go as Minnie and, say, Goofy, because of that old dirty joke.

the story of my, um, success

A friend told me today that my website makes it sound like my entire life has been a straight-shot to success.

Hahahahaha.

I suppose I neglected to blog about my failed company (1999-2003, RIP) breaking me as a person, being sick in Virginia with no health insurance, selling everything I owned to crazy old ladies, moving to New York with $400 in a beat-up car, moving into an room-for-rent in Harlem in a railroad apartment outside of which a sea of unemployed people drank on the stoop all day and many drugs were consumed by persons other than me, getting my car stolen and still having to make payments on it, getting the job I moved to the city for and then losing it, dating my roommate and then breaking up (excruciatingly) a year later and having to move, having my parents refuse to cosign on a new apartment, having another year of run-ins with men of poor character, and then ... finally ... this thing called comedy started to work out. And it turns out the internet marketing skills left over from running my company were also kind of useful. And a gay man bought my eggs.

And that's it. Now I have a job where I tutor well-to-do students in their homes, which tends to remind me that even though I am happy with my life, some sixteen year olds, after asking me what I got on my SATs, like to peer condescendingly at me and ask "Have you ever considered other professions?"

Yes, yes, I should have gone into investment banking! Then I would have a MUCH more interesting blog.

bring your show and tell items and come hang out with me in my aura of contentment

It's chilly out, but I'm wearing a dress from Dangerdame (pictured) and now sitting at Pete's using their wireless, waiting for my comedy show to begin at 7:30. I like wearing vintage-style dresses that make old men smile at me, approvingly, on the street.

I've pretty much never been happier. Just FYI.

This November, I am touring to Charlottesville, Cleveland, and Austin. If you live in one of those cities, you could sign up here:

Join the jen is famous dot com mailing list for your city! Subscribers get access to exclusive comedy material your mom.

Email:

I'm the sexy businesswoman

I'm going to appear in Playgirl, objectifying a male model.

All my hopes and dreams about this life have culminated in being paid to make a male model feel like a slab of beef.

Monday's event: Comedy Show & Tell at Pete's

Monday, October 24
7:30-9:00 pm
Pete's Candy Store, 709 Lorimer St.
(L train to Lorimer - click for map)
FREE

Comedy Show & Tell mixes performances by top young comedians with actual, old-fashioned show and tell by audience members. To participate, bring a silly object to share and show up a few minutes early to get on the list. (Or, just come watch!)

Read a recap of the last show, with photos!

geeking out in my "What the f(x)?" t-shirt

Today I got up at 6:30am, cleaned my apartment, did some math problems, tutored a student on the Upper West Side at 9, tutored a student in midtown at 11, taught a class on the Upper East Side at 2, jetted to the West Village to feature in a comedy show at 5:40, booked it back up to the Upper West Side for my third tutoring student at 7:30, met a friend for dinner, and finally cabbed it back to East Harlem around 11.

Fun fact of the day: For polyhedrons, Euler's Formula states that Vertices - Edges + Faces = 2.

bargain basement jen

I have a handful of Peeps shirts left, so I had someone help me list them on eBay.

Me, if I want to buy something, I want to know exactly how much it costs, and then I just want to buy it and be done with it. But apparently some people enjoy uncertainly, gambling, and waiting around. Oh, you crazy eBayers. Enjoy!

• Peeps for Men
  
  
• Women's Scoop Neck Size Medium - I wore one of these to a show and immediately sold out all the smalls
  
  
• Women's Tanks Size Medium
  
  
• Women's Long-Sleeved (these are sexy -- I kept three!), Medium in Orange or Extra Small in Green

Each is dirt cheap and comes with a free button.

p.s. Thanks to all of you who've been buying Sarcastic Sex Toys.


About the Peeps (live from Chicks & Giggles)

an extra $96.44 divides out to $10.72 per egg

According to this weird little web survey, my blog is worth $7,903.56. Which is slightly less than the value of my eggs.

My blog is worth $7,903.56.
How much is your blog worth?

in case you haven't seen me walking away, airbrushed

My posterior has been blogged by famed comics writer Warren Ellis. Long live Molly Crabapple.

the comedy news update

Tonight I had a tour of the Friars' Club, and then did a guest spot at Dillon's. My set went over well, and I gave some postcards to British businesspeople who thought I was funny. Now that I'm single, I resurrected my bit about ribbed-for-her-pleasure condoms. Always a good closer.

My cat is purring like a motherfucker. It's a really aggressive form of affection. She is purring really, really loudly, standing in front of my computer, and occasionally biting my arm, which is not usually a problem except that this dress is silk.

Last night, at my show in Clifton, NJ, a guy at the bar bought me a drink right after I watched him order a veal parmesan for himself and demand an extra meatball for his dog.

magic! music! juggling!

I have a new Jenny Vaudeville poster, designed by Jamie Wolcott! (The blank part is where I put the details for each show).

he is not really Mexican, or a wrestler

Last week I went to see spelling bee co-emcee and founder bobbyblue's band perform at Galapagos. When I got there, I was informed that host El Orangina needed a volunteer for a couple of comedy sketches, so I ended up on stage miming the purchase of Orangina from El Orangina, and then punching him for being inappropriately enthusiastic about my love for Orangina.

And here, in his Mexican wrestling mask, is El Orangina.

I, El Orangina, have recently won the Crazy 8’s scratch off lotto. With my $19 in winnings I have purchased a copy of the Passion of the Christ DVD.... With a title like The Passion, I thought, this is the kind of movie to be enjoyed alone at home on the big screen TV with, perhaps, a nice bottle of chianti. Oh, how wrong was I? First of all if you have not seen the movie, do not let me spoil it for you. Stop reading now, get yourself a box of Fig Newtons and rent the Love Boat the second season. The one where Julie falls in love. However, do not see this Passion. First of all, it is not what you are thinking. This Jesus fellow, all they do is torture him... This is not El Orangina, champion of Chalupa’s experience with passion.

are you a fireman?

Recently, I encouraged readers of this blog to join the Army so as to be able to attend my December 10th show at Fort Hamilton.

If you are not feeling like an army of one today, however, you might consider becoming a firefighter in Lafayette, New Jersey, where I will be performing at the Lafayette Firehouse on November 12th.

Um ... stop, drop, and roll!

Announcing: Jenisfamous.com $50 photo contest!

Comedian and blogger Jennifer Dziura is offering a $50 prize for the best photo of a person or persons reading Jenisfamous.com. Runners-up may receive merchandise at Jenisfamous's discretion.

All persons pictured must be of legal age and must consent to appear in the photo. Any or all photos may be posted on Jenisfamous.com at Jennifer Dziura's discretion.

Email photos to photos@jenisfamous.com (include your real name) by November 15, 2005.

Update: This post has been Gawkerized.

Update: Here are some entries I've received (nobody in their underwear yet!):


"I work at the Idaho Lottery. Powerball is HUGE today.
But I need a release sometimes. I choose you.
$50 could really soften the blow of not being able
to participate in the run for $340 million."
- Jennifer Gelband


Martin in Bryant Park


Hernan Duran and friends


Marcos Alonso
(This one just screams "European tourist." I love it! -Jen)


J.D. Finch

wouldn't you love to see her molars?

Next month's Jenny Vaudeville Show is shaping up nicely. After Molly Crabapple ate fire, how could I possibly up the ante?

A.V. Phibes has the answer to that question. On November 9th at Pete's Candy Store, she will eat glass.

Spelling Finals October 17, 2005

The finals Monday night were a blast. bobbyblue's band, ...y las flores, opened the bee with the Williamsburg Spelling Bee theme song, and even German Public Radio was there to get a piece of the action.







Our winners were...

1st place - Josh Malamy
2nd place - Liane Yee
3rd place - Megan Rudesill




Season winner Josh won tickets to Bingo: The Musical, a $100 cash prize, a Neighborhoodies package, and -- the most stylish prize of the night -- a retro phone headset that plugs into a cell phone, donated by CITE (the store for which our very own bobbyblue is the buyer!)

Next bee: Monday, November 14, 7:30, Pete's! (And then every alternate Monday thereafter!)

Photos by Brian Van (485i.com)

you could make a recruiter's day

I'm doing a show December 10 at the Fort Hamilton Army Base. If you're not yet in the service, it's not too late!

my bank can't spell

actual screen shot, 10/19/05, 12:25am

did I somehow fail to mention the fire-eating?

The lovely Miss Molly Crabapple (pictured at right in the New Orleans Forever t-shirt she designed -- all profits go to artists and performers affected by Katrina), who recently ate fire at the Jenny Vaudeville Show, is an illustrator by trade -- particularly, an illustrator of dirty Victorian pictures. She has assembled a web store that makes me envious indeed!

This mirror is a mere five dollars, and comes highly recommended by people who have a strong interest in looking at themselves, as well as good taste in mirrors:

whoever you are, enjoy your Fists of Adonis and Inflatable Bondage Chairs!

I want to thank those of you who are purchasing actual sex toys from the Sarcastic Sex Toy Blog website! (While the main purpose of the site is for me to make you laugh by mocking ridiculous sex toys, it is possible to purchase actual sex toys from the web store, including both the toys I am mocking and other, more realistically enjoyable toys). Incidentally, the supplier handles all the orders and I just see the order numbers and dollar amounts (I get a percentage of each sale) -- I don't see anybody's name or what they ordered. So any ex-boyfriends reading this can safely purchase a T.B.M. without fear that I will discover the fact.

when I was a kid, I always wanted a twin

There's a legend that Charlie Chaplin once entered a Charlie Chaplin lookalike contest and came in second.

I think it would be fun to have a Jen Dziura lookalike contest for no good reason whatsoever. Just to see if there's anyone who looks like me.

October 12 recap by Brian Van: Jenny Vaudeville brings us angry clowns, violent clay death, and facial burns

Jen's devilish alter-ego, Jenny Vaudeville, put on a fantastic show last week, wearing sequined horns and looking rather evil and troublesome. Okay, maybe just a little evil.

The first act started with Blo-Blo Hairdryer, a sad clown who juggled little wispy handkerchiefs in the air. He was rather upset, though, and ran from the room quickly.


Immediately, a second, angrier government agent clown ran in, and all hell broke loose. People were being put on lists. Others were being put in bags. Then the clown grew a second head and started drawing weapons and scars on it. Surely, you must have been there to appreciate it fully:




At one point, Mr. Government Agent Clown surrounded himself with participants from the audience to build himself a "women shelter," which is the best way to protect yourself from terrorism. I believe he asked Jenny V. for a backrub, too.


The next segment of the show was a spelling challenge. Jen had set up the usual tough challenges for participating audience members, all for prizes and glory. Some were successful.


Others, not so successful.


Ducky prizes were awarded. Here's what they looked like:


Jen, ever fashionable, was matched properly with her evil red ducky prize. It's all about the accessories, people.

The next segment, due to a technical glitch with Act 2, was a trivia contest. Three brave men offered themselves for a chance to show their knowledge, or, in most cases, show that they can give a really goofy answer if they can't figure out the real answer.


Act 2 was then ready. It was a short claymation sequence of death and dismemberment. We watched on an impromptu movie screen. Check it out:


Closing out the show was the marvelous Molly Crabapple and her fire-eating showcase. Fire-eating pretty much speaks for itself as an attraction; it needs few superlatives. Watch:




After her act, she invited up an audience member for an educational session on fire-eating. I'd say it went quite well, even though he lit his face on fire:


Yes, vaudeville can be tragic at times.

Next show - Wednesday, November 9, 10pm, featuring musician Curtis Eller, and the return of Onion writer Sam Means, who made us fall from our chairs laughing in August with a list of his rejected Onion headlines.

marching on

Thank you so much to everyone who came to my Improv show -- Desiree, Syd, Mike, Aaron, Kim, Bran, Arthur, Shaun, your dates, and anyone else I didn't get a chance to meet or meet up with. I did some new material from my upcoming one woman show, What Philosophy Majors Do After College, although the "history of philosophy in 90 seconds" that I performed is about to become the "history of philosophy in five minutes."

After the show I ran my philosophers' lineup -- Greeks, Plato, Kant, Hobbes, Locke, Spinoza, Nietzsche, Sartre -- by a philosophy doctoral student, and he said he thought it wasn't bad for 90 seconds. The five-minute version will probably see the addition of John Stuart Mill, maybe Augustine, possibly Foucault. John Searle? Hmmn.

Some college bookers were present for the show. We'll see if anything comes of it. And if you're in the Army, save Dec. 10 to see me at the Ft. Hamilton Army Base!

matheriffic

While teaching an SAT class, I had opportunity to use the phrase "the square root of negative your mom."

Incidentally, a polyhedron with twelve edges and six vertices has ... (this took awhile, if you've never seen the D&D eight-sided die) eight faces.

blog invasion!

Scrutinizers of this blog may have noticed a Mr. Brian Van appearing in the "Contributors" of this blog, in the upper righthand column.

Brian Van has come on board to help promote some comedy shows I am producing, so I have given him access to post to this blog. So don't be alarmed if I am suddenly being discussed on my own blog in the third person. And if you meant to hit on me, don't hit on him by mistake; similarly, if you meant to hit on him, don't hit on me by mistake.

Enjoy.

A Spelling Bee To End All Spelling Bees

Remember everyone, the Williamsburg Spelling Bee season finals will be this upcoming Monday (October 17) at Pete's Candy Store in Willamsburg. Winners from April through October's bees will battle it out for the crown of best speller in New York.

Good Morning America will be filming.

Even if you are NOT qualified to compete in the finals, we will have silly spelling mini-contests (spelling backwards, spelling to a tune, etc.) in between the rounds in which anyone may compete.

Emcee bobbyblue will be performing the Williamsburg Spelling Bee Theme Song. Also, check out the finals contestants at http://spellingblog.blogspot.com

Prize ribbon at left may not be included.

TimeOut New York, page 56

I hate Epson. I hope the people at Epson google this and find this post and send me free ink, and flowers. Assholes.

I am incensed at the Epson company and their ink scamming. When one color of ink in my all-in-one scanner/copier/printer is out, the whole thing won't print. Like, if my "cyan" ink cartridge is out, I can't print with black. Jerks. Are they afraid that if they let me print out some boring MS Word document, I'll just stop printing color forever and they'll never get any more money from me?

Are they afraid that if they don't disable my machine for no good reason, I won't blog shit about them, and then they'll feel lonely?

EPSON EPSON EPSON CX4600 google this shit you creeps from THE EPSON COMPANY which makes ALL-IN-ONE money-stealing machines like the EPSON STYLUS CX4600.

Thank you.

bloggers blogging about blogging on blogs

One of the finalists from the last spelling bee, Mr. Ryan Harrison Hunter, has posted a prolix review of his spelling experience. It begins with an account of his childhood spelling bees:

That is, of course, until I got to the citywide bee and tanked immediately, mainly as a direct result of never having been in a room with so many Asians before.

From his account of the Williamsburg bee:

Before giving anyone a word, Jen would ask each contestant a creative question like, "If you could make one legal thing illegal and one illegal thing legal, what would you switch?" Which is sort intense. The one she asked me was, "What's an animal that isn't usually taxidermied that you think should be?" I felt my focus slowly beginning to shift from the left side of my brain to the right....

I especially enjoyed this bit:

I correctly spelled "cadential" and "embruscate," and missed madrilene, which is a consommé flavored with tomato, sometimes served jellied and chilled, but always a dumb fucking word.

In any case, you can see Harrison and other previous winners compete for the big one at the finals this upcoming October 17th, 7-10pm.

the update

Last night's Jenny Vaudeville Show was off the damn hook. There was fire eating, and there was a clown who fought terrorism by taping a giant, angry-eyed balloon to his face. Pictures are imminent!

I'm in Time Out New York, page 56.

I need your help this Saturday! I am doing a show at the Improv -- previewing some new material for some college bookers in the audience -- and I need people to come. Here are the details:

---

Saturday, October 15th
The Improv
318 W 53rd St between 8th/9th Aves.
7pm (arrive 6:40 for seating)
$12 with reservation -- please call 212-465-3343, or email me and I'll put you on the list.

---

The Gentile Show

Dear Jewish friends,

I am sorry that the Jenny Vaudeville Show is on Yom Kippur. It's nothing personal; the show is every second Wednesday of the month. Most of my Jewish friends are fairly secular, but apparently, even if you no longer believe in God, you still must visit your families on Yom Kippur. Or so a bunch of you have told me. Maybe you can come to the show in November. According to my day planner, November 9th isn't a holiday for anyone, anywhere. That show will also feature at least one Jewish performer, reading his rejected headlines from the Onion. I will have the show blessed by a rabbi. Save the date! Shalom!

xo
Jen


Dear gentile friends,

Please come to the Jenny Vaudeville Show! Please bring an extra gentile friend to make up for all the Jews who will not be attending. (When the November show comes around, you may choose to leave your extra gentile friend at home, as we welcome back all the Jews to the audience).

The Jenny Vaudeville Show is this Wednesday night, 10pm, at Pete's Candy Store. Jenny V. is a comical variety show full with audience contests including trivia and literary quizzes, for which the prizes shall consist, in part, of rubber duckies. This month featuring...

• burlesque fire eating by Molly Crabapple (pictured), who will also teach an audience volunteer to eat fire!
  
• Southern faux-teen pop sensation Teen Tawny!
  
• comedian Angry Bob!
  
• short claymation film "Samurai Sam" by Joe Rosato!
  
• ...and various acts from Michael Freeman the Sarcastic Clown and other clowns who shall accompany him in sarcastic clowning!

Yes, when I have a show, I fucking bring it.

xo
Jen

another use for those eggs

From New York Magazine via Brian Van:

It’s the ultimate New York careerist dream: Work (and play) now, conceive later. Has science finally made it possible? The promises and pitfalls of putting your eggs on ice.

...one day last spring, she was complaining to an older friend about her situation when the friend mentioned a new technology she had just read about that allows a woman to freeze her eggs while they are fertile and then thaw them out when she is ready. Nette got excited. Could this be real? She could get her law degree at 40, meet the man she wanted to marry, and conceive a child—her own biological child—sometime, anytime, after that. Egg freezing would be like putting her body on hold until her life could catch up.

Brian adds: "Interesting what people will do for careerism, considering that the social contract between corporations and staff has clearly been forgotten by modern-day executives. And it was never really there in the first place. Why do people put everything they've got into archaic employment models? This will be a major cause of social problems over the next 10-20 years."

It would be ironic if I donated eggs at 26 and then didn't bother to use any myself before they got stale.

(Interestingly, a lot of people seem to be under the impression that menopause occurs when women "run out" of eggs. While it has generally been thought that women are born with all the eggs they'll ever have, it's still many more eggs than they could use at a one-a-month rate over a few decades; what happens in the end is they just go bad. Bad eggs! I am reminded of my favorite Far Side cartoon, which depicted a dish of potato salad with a gun, holding up the other groceries in the fridge, above the caption "When potato salad goes bad.")

Recap: Comedy Show and Tell, October 10

This Monday, October 10, I opened up Comedy Show and Tell by discussing my last week of comedy -- auditioning for "Laughing Liberally" but realizing on the subway on the way there that, yes, I'm a liberal ... but my jokes are about makeup; performing with Neal Pollack and asking all the Philadelphians where to find "male groupie poontang"; and performing at NYU and feeling like a class traitor when it turned out that the rich, tanned, beautiful golden people of NYU also laugh at my Strunk & White jokes, and I really rather like that.

Here's me; I should learn to make more attractive facial expressions while doing comedy:


Rachael Parenta did a very funny set; she advised the other comics never to date the same person twice, because you don't get any new material. Oh, you still don't own a pillow? Great.


After Rachael concluded to thunderous applause, I showed my Show and Tell item -- a postcard advertising Jordan Knight appearing this Friday at Culture Club, where he will be performing "all his hits from NKOTB and today." And today? Who you foolin'?


Mike was our first audience show-and-teller. His mother went to Russia and brought back nesting dolls of great Russian leaders...


...arranged in reverse-chronological order, making Putin enormous and Peter the Great a mere molecule.


Megan next performed her comedy debut. How do people with Tourette's promote justice and equality in their own communities? Lick balls, lick balls!


Syd's show and tell came with an extended monologue about how Supergirl could be from Kryptonite, but younger than Superman, despite Kryptonite's having been destroyed when Superman was a baby.


Michelle Buteau brought a "Michelle St." sign given to her by a guy she was dating. Why? I'm not eight. Michelle told jokes about being Haitian and Jamaican and then mocked the (overwhelmingly not Haitian and Jamaican) audience -- "Are you relating?" Her white girlfriends try to introduce her to other Haitian people so they can "speak Hades."


And that concludes Comedy Show and Tell! Join us every other Monday for free comedy and audience-participation Show and Tell. Continuing on October 24, November 7, November 21, and December 5, 7:30pm, Pete's Candy Store.

three spam morning

There is a new post on the Sarcastic Sex Toy Blog, which has been known to provoke laughter in rockabilly comedians.

Review: spam posted to my blog comments

New York Times picture

Finally, I got my scanner working. From the print version of the NY Times article.

by G. Paul Burnett

callback

I got a callback for the Laughing Liberally show. (This is a touring group of comics who are, obviously, liberal and do political material.) The final auditions are an actual show, open to the public, so I'll post details soon for any liberally-minded peeps in New York. 

I've also sent in some submissions for The Idiot's Guide to Jokes. I can feel the prestige inching up my spine already.

I did not win the Carnival Comedy Challenge Wednesday night, but I was told that a booker who was one of the judges wanted to give me work. Apparently, this is how the Challenge operates -- the audience-participation contest exists to get a paying audience in there, but the judges actually give work to whomever they want.

There was, however, some intelligent design behind the competition -- instead of everyone just voting for the comic he or she came to see, there was a ranking system, wherein each audience member voted for first, second, and third choices, so if one comic were fantastic, didn't bring anyone, and became the overwhelming second choice of the audience, he could win. 

Cleverly arranged, although I did hear talk of some comics (we were also allowed to vote) marking themselves first choice and then marking the worst comics they could find as second and third, so as not to give points to their competitors.

Amusingly, one of the judges told me I talked too fast to play in the South (which, of course, is where I am from).

Performing in Philly with Neal Pollack tonight!

you know you want this button

If you come to my show in Philadelphia this Saturday night, you can have one. Neal Pollack can have one.


Courtesy of John Leavitt and Molly Crabapple

Tawny Friends Forever! TFF!

Yesterday I met someone who works professionally with Teen Tawny, faux Southern regional pop sensation and performer at my upcoming vaudeville show this Wednesday night. You can hear Tawny's songs ("I'm a superstar ... in my sister's blue leotard") here.

Apparently, Teen Tawny, when not in costume, is still basically Teen Tawny.

Can you imagine interviewing with Teen Tawny? "So, what I see on your resume is a lack of razmatazz!"

"Look at you -- filing, typing, and answering phones -- a triple threat!"


See Tawny this Wednesday night at Pete's!

still working on this

I carry a water bottle around because I drink a lot of water and don't want to constantly buy bottled water. I usually end up refilling my water bottle from bathroom sinks. However, a lot of places are installing these automatic sinks, which force me to fill up my water bottle one ounce at a time. You get a bit of water in there and the thing shuts off, and then you're moving the bottle in and out of some invisible sensor, sticking your hand in there, trying to magically activate the stupid stingy sink. I think automatic sinks are a plot by Dasani. How do I know? Well, Dasani is owned by Coke, and when's the last time you saw a sink that pours free Coca-Cola?

me at the Carnival Comedy Competition

Notice I'm wearing one of the badges they handed out that said "FUNNY."


Photo by Brian Van

wishlist (except I want to pay actual money)

Since a lot of people are apparently reading this (we've expanded from my original audience of morbidly-curious ex-boyfriends), I'm just going to post a couple things that I'm looking for.

• Someone to post flyers in Williamsburg for a reasonable amount of money. I am hoping to get in touch with the guy whose flyers I used to see around Bedford; an established flyer person can generally get flyers into shop windows and knows what days the bulletin boards are cleared, etc. But I'll take what I can get.
  
• A place to get a small number of CDs (100) duplicated and covers done.
  
• Headshots and posters printed, again in smallish batches.
  
• A pony. Where is my goddamn pony?! I have been asking since I was five.

Thank you.

it's been a long time since I've heard morning-talk-show sound effects

This morning I was woken up by a call from KTYD in Santa Barbara wanting to know if they could call back and interview me in an hour about the spelling bee. I used that hour to wake up ever so slightly and make some coffee, and then they called back, with bobbyblue also on the line and another special guest -- current ESPN Scripps Howard spelling bee winner Anurag Kashyap (pictured).

Hosts Matt and Julie attempted several times to get Anurag's last name right, and then they asked him to spell a word that they couldn't actually pronounce, but Anurag figured out what they meant and spelled "ichthyopathy." (Not sure about that -- it was hard to hear, but the word wasn't "ichthyology"; it was definitely an "-opathy" word).

Bobby and I discussed the bee, our kinder-and-gentler three strikes policy, and how drunk people tend to get at the bee (not much; they tend to save the real drinking for after the competition).

I'd like to give a mad shout-out to bobbyblue, the Will to my Grace, the jelly on my peanut butter.

Listen to bobby's band, y las flores, here.

her mother told her she should grow up to be either a teacher or a dentist

Someone needs to stage an intervention. I am blogging during a show. I just did my set at the Carnival Comedy Challenge (it went fine), and I was on second, so there is an abundance of time before the winners are announced.

I'm hungry and didn't want to eat a comedy club hot dog (no one should eat a comedy club hot dog under any circumstances, including internationally recognized famines), so I skipped out of the club and went next door to the beautiful, spacious, always empty Cafe del Teatro (where I once held a pre-party and gave away Peeps shirts before an Improv show). They're playing some Placido Domingo and I'm sitting at a lovely table right up front near the sidewalk, where the Cafe's big wooden doors fold open. I've ordered eggplant parmesan. The waitress's five-year-old daughter just brought me a glass of water and seemed adorably pleased when I thanked her. This is the best comedy show ever! Oh, the five-year-old just came back with a bread basket and suggested that I dip the bread in oil. I am adopting this girl.

Thanks to Brian and Syd for coming! And thanks to anyone else who's here and whom I didn't see!

an army of me

My frequently-mentioned friend Megan suggested that my current state of singledom was giving me the energy and verve of "ten Jennifer Dziuras!"

Yes, while all you people are dating, I am writing the Great American Novel ... first! (I am not actually writing a novel, but if I were, it would contain thinly-veiled references to all you fine people, your elan, your eloquence, your fine taste in blogs, and how snazzy you look in sport coats).

Today's excitement includes the following:

• An interview with Good Morning America, which will be filming at the spelling bee finals on October 17th
  
  
• Brunch with artiste Molly Crabapple, who is designing some Jenisfamous buttons to be distributed at future shows
  
  
• An interview with Wireless Flash News
  
  
• The ordering of Peeps t-shirts by readers of this blog
  
  
• Receiving unsolicited fan art (at right)! Mr. John Leavitt designed a better cover for my CD, and by damn, I intend to use it (note the lacrosse trophy! Those who have heard "Seven Nights" know its true purpose).
  
  
• Discovering that my ex-roommate Todd Zuniga, editor of Opium Magazine, will also be performing at the 215 Festival this weekend in Philadelphia, at which I will be performing with Neal Pollack, whose phone number I now have in my cellphone, an item which probably deserves its own bullet on this list
  
  
• The finals tonight of the Carnival Comedy Challenge at the Improv! The competition is judged based on audience applause, so I don't expect to win the popularity contest, but bookers and agents will be present, and this morning I was up at the crack of dawn to go to Staples and get photo paper on which to print some headshots, which I did at two hours past the crack of dawn, along with copies of the Times article, thereby resulting in the creation of five rather lovely press kits, nicely packaged in teal folders because Staples was out of red, which made me think it would be completely ridiculous to match my press kits to my outfits, even if I have done so accidentally for the last two performances.

You can see me tonight at the Improv (318 W 53rd between 8th/9th Ave) at 8:30. I'll be wearing teal.

the newest food group (and it's not chocolate-covered macadamia nuts)

My friend Syd (who has made several appearances at Show & Tell) found this "queer pictogram" on the side of a box of Cheerios:


He writes:

That's right, it's a new food pyramid. You'll notice that the food groups have been made into vertical bars to make it much more unreadable. Also, you can tell that this new pyramid was made by our government because they added an "oils" group and, as we all know, our oil consumption is never high enough for the Bush administration. Also, you will notice some sort of malformed person scaling the new pyramid. He's Sisyphus, the depressing mascot of the new "exercise" group.

You know what? Fuck you, USDA. Why the hell did you put exercise on a food pyramid? The food pyramid isn't your fucking advice column. Why didn't you add a "floss daily" group or a "call your mother; she misses you" group? When I buy spaghetti, the package doesn't tell me to boil a pot of water and then jog half a mile. I know how important exercise is to healthy living, but a food pyramid is just supposed to tell you what food to eat. Our children are stupid enough without them thinking they have to eat exercise or worse - eat people who exercise.

call Nader! oh wait, nevermind

I bought these dark chocolate-covered macadamia nuts at the drugstore because, at $2.99 a bag, they seemed like a good deal for any kind of macadamia nut product, especially since the big jars of non-chocolate-covered macadamia nuts were going for $7. Also, chocolate-covered nuts are a great way to eat chocolate but more healthfully, as the nuts displace some of the chocolate (for this reason, Peanut M&Ms are fantasically more healthful than regular M&Ms -- I think it's less than half the sugar).

Anyway, I ate my first chocolate-covered macadamia nut and it seemed like it was almost all chocolate, very little macadamia. And I thought maybe the company was pulling a fast one, making balls of chocolate with mere macadamia fragments inside. A travesty!

So I put two chocolate-covered alleged macadamia nuts on a cutting board and sliced them open, to reveal the nefarious partial macadamias inside.

There were, however, whole macadamias inside. Call off the presses. I guess it was just more chocolate than I found necessary.

I think I really wanted to be the one who discovered a scandal.

Carnival Comedy Challenge

Yesterday I auditioned for the Carnival Cruise Lines Comedy Challenge; the winner receives a paid comedy gig on a cruise ship (and thus, obviously, a free cruise, and very likely a substantial infusion of shrimp* cocktail).

After the audition I ran off to run the spelling bee, and, in the intro portion, told the spelling audience about my audition. I had had a set list written on my wrist -- Campaign for Real Beauty, carbon-dating, Buffalo Soldier, layering, eggs/babymama -- and, after the audition, I was sitting on a bench on the E train platform and I thought it would be a good idea to get the ink off my wrist because TimeOut would be filming the spelling bee and my wrist might look strange. So I licked my wrist -- with full tongue! -- and then wiped it on my jeans. Because that would make me look less strange. And then I saw the people staring. Well, maybe just that one old guy.

But also, each of the comics received a folder of information including a badge, which seemed kind of strange, because we were already inside the Improv, and it wasn't clear just what we would need the badges to be admitted to. At the spelling bee, I pulled this badge out and demonstrated how, on the back, it just says "FUNNY." So, maybe if I were feeling bad about myself, I could just put the badge on sometime. FUNNY! But then it kind of reminded me of those t-shirts you see girls wearing that say things like "SEXY" written in glitter, the lesson of course being that, if you have to say it in glitter, well....

Anyway, everyone at the audition got three minutes. I did my three, it went well, and I ran off to run the spelling bee last night. I called the results hotline afterwards and discovered I made it to the finals. I am pleased, of course, although the finals are judged by audience applause and -- you guessed it -- they want us to bring people to the show. This means I have at least four shows coming up to which to invite all you fine people. That is a great many shows. Here, however, is the schedule:

• This Wednesday, 8:30, The Improv, Carnival Cruise Lines Comedy Challenge Finals ($12, I think)
  
• Next Monday, 7:30, Pete's, Comedy Show & Tell - bring a show and tell item to participate
  
• Next Wednesday, 10pm, Pete's, The Jenny Vaudeville Show
  
• Next Saturday, 7pm, The Improv, $12 with reservation only, call 212-465-3343 to reserve (this is also an audition, for me, for a college booker, so I will be previewing new material from my one-woman-show-in-progress, What Philosophy Majors Do After College

If you want my eternal love and gratitude, you know how to get it. (I am also performing this Friday, this Saturday in Philadelphia with Neal Pollack, next Tuesday at Chicks & Giggles, and every morning in the shower, and sometimes again after the gym. But the four shows above especially want your love and affection).

*The only food to which I am allergic.

Update: Enjoy this morose article about cruise ship comedians. Thanks to Derek for the link.

I'm sure a male comedian who became a sperm donor would not receive cute sperm-related gifts

In commemoration of my recently concluded egg donation, Megan brought me a gift -- a graphic novel about eggs who escape from the fridge to pursue life on the outside, and then one of them becomes a ninja.

I bring you Egg Story.

under the underground

The New York Underground Comedy Festival is happening right now. It is absolutely not underground; apparently the name is taken from the first show that was part of the festival, which occurred in a basement. No festival that bills itself as "the largest-ever comedy festival in New York" can really be "underground." That's like evaluating the "indie cred" of, say, Disneyworld.

Anyway, although everyone in New York who has ever said something funny seems to have gotten involved with the festival in some way, I haven't. I've been knocking up a surrogate mother and running the spelling bee and such. Maybe I'm just too underground for the Underground Comedy Festival.

better it's being read at the laundromat than in the bathroom

I continue to receive fallout from my boxing article; I fellow alumnus wrote:

So I was in a laundromat here in Northampton and there was a Dartmouth Alumni Mag lying around (!!). And while my laundry dried and the Chinese proprietor tried to tell me in an extremely vague, roundabout way about "her other job" in "the financial sector," I enjoyed reading about your nine minutes in the ring.

I wrote "Dziura" down on an ATM slip, which lead me to discover, today, some things about your new life.

It is useful to be the most famous "Dziura." It is also not a difficult task to accomplish.

bar bathroom reader poll

Last night I had drinks with an old friend from high school. We were in a bar, sitting at a table near the window, with no other patrons nearby, when he announced that he had to go to the men's room and walked off towards the bathrooms still holding his beer.

When he returned from the men's room, beer still firmly clutched in the same hand, I asked about it, and he said "I only need one hand for this operation!" and that he thought all guys did that.

I said I thought maybe a guy would take his beer into the men's room in a crowded party in which there's nowhere to safely leave the beer, or if he is in a bar alone, without someone to watch his drink. (My friend objected that if I watched his beer for him, he would not be able to continue drinking while in the men's room, which was, as far as I was concerned, well, kind of the point). But if one is drinking at a table with a friend, I daresay most people would leave their drinks in the care of their drinking companions.

Menfolk, please feel free to comment in the comments.

platitudinous

I had a pair of nice shoes that didn't fit me very well, so I gave them to Megan. She emailed the next day to report that she had now, officially, walked a mile in them.