Happy New Year

I just posed in my Wonder Woman outfit in an old silver phonebooth.

I'm off to see They Might Be Giants.

Happy birthday to you-know-who.

Photos soon! Re-gifting Show recap soon! I love you all!

Punned by the Times

Here is the last audio clip from my radio interview on "The Stress Factor," in which I discuss seeing my breakup mocked in the New York Times (yes, this really happened!)


Punned by the Times
Related posts:

audio: I had a baby with a gay man
a radio clip, featuring "fellatio plus melons"
shout-out to all my peeps from Montclair State and "The Stress Factor"

Fleshbot likes their hotties smart but plasticwrapped

Congratulations to Molly Crabapple for being named one of Fleshbot’s Top Ten Hotties of 2005. They picked a really creepy photo of Molly wrapped in plastic like a RealDoll (creepy in a good way; the photographer is my buddy Burke Heffner).

Molly has declined to be photographed as Wonder Woman for the Wonder Woman blog, and has instead offered to draw herself as Wonder Woman. Oh, the powers of illustration!

And to finally finish kissing the ass of my already-BFF, here's her latest New York Press article, Naked in the City. And if you're an artiste, go draw at Dr. Sketchy's in Williamsburg on January 14th. I'll be there even though I can't draw.

mail order husbands

I found this mail-order husband site off a link from a Salon article about legislation to protect mail-order brides. The men all seem to be Ukrainian, and some of them are kind of cute. I liked this fellow's profile:

"I am a marriner, navigation officer. I finished Marrine Accademy. I love to explore Internet when i am not in the sea. And I like music, movies, nature and many other things.I speak perfect English."

It is, in fact, difficult to explore Internet when you are in the sea! But, oh, how great it would be to explore Internet with you.

I wonder if the guy advertising "I have a secondary-special education and I am an operator of gas boilers" realizes that American women will think he is retarded.

I like the guy who offers "I like cars, help in cooking in the kitchen, sauna." Who doesn't want to get cooking in the sauna with a Ukrainian looking for a Green Card? Hott!

Check out this open-shirted literature hunk (pictured). This is ridiculous. I've always wanted a man who can "wear different clothing styles."

Tonight, someone is getting the Mickey Mouse ears

Remember the Seinfeld episode about "re-gifting" -- giving as a gift something that was given to you, but you didn't like enough to keep? Bring an unwanted gift to this show -- all gifts will be circulated and redistributed, so you might come home with something better! Comedians will keep you entertained as the bad gifts go 'round.

"The Re-Gifting Comedy Show"
December 30th, 11pm, FREE
Pete's Candy Store, 709 Lorimer St in Williamsburg

Jesus is Magic

On the Comedy Central holiday special that aired on Christmas, Sarah Silverman defined schadenfreude as German for "Look, that Jew fell down."

a quarter-century of wonder

So, last week when my mom saw pictures of me in my Wonder Woman underpants, she, naturally, assumed the act of wearing them was referential; of course I had had Wonder Woman underpants as a child, and of course I would remember this.

On the occasion of my visit, my mother searched through her photo collection, and finally discovered the germane photos -- but it turns out, I was not four or five as she had remembered, but rather a mere two-and-a-half, which is why I have no memory of having owned (and posed for photos in) Wonder Woman underpants.

And now, having returned home to my scanner with these photos, I present, "Jen as Wonder Woman: The Past Twenty-Five Years."


Uncanny, no?

Announcing: The Wonder Woman Blog

Allow me to now officially announce my project with co-blogger Syd Bernstein:

*** The Wonder Woman Blog ***
An excerpt:

This blog was created due to the convergence of several events:

• Unbeknownst to anyone, I had recently been to the Bust website and purchased the Wonder Woman Cami and Panty Set.
  
• I had a vaudeville show coming up, and I like to rock a good costume from time to time. Then, while advertising the vaudeville at a comedy show the week before, I blurted out "...and I'll be hosting in my Wonder Woman underpants!" And then I was committed to doing so.
  
• I did, in fact, host a vaudeville show in my Wonder Woman underpants. Photos were taken, and those photos were put on the internet.
  
• In response to this, my mother dug through her family photos and produced a thing I did not know existed: photos of me in Wonder Woman underpants from when I was two.
  
• Therefore, I clearly needed a blog about this.

We are eagerly accepting photo submissions of readers dressed as Wonder Woman.

displaying our own erudtion, like a peacock attracting a mate

Today's Word of the Day is:

apposite \AP-uh-zit\, adjective:
Being of striking appropriateness and relevance; very applicable; apt.

I rather enjoyed the sample usage of the word:

Suppose, for example, that in a theoretical physics seminar we were to explain a very technical concept in quantum field theory by comparing it to the concept of aporia in Derridean literary theory. Our audience of physicists would wonder, quite reasonably, what is the goal of such a metaphor--whether or not it is apposite--apart from displaying our own erudition.
--Alan D. Sokal and Jean Bricmont, [2]Fashionable Nonsense:
Postmodern Intellectuals' Abuse of Science

I want you in my lasso of truth

I have updated the Photos section a bit, and created the next Shout-Out email newsletter, queued to go out later this morning.

To receive future emails from me (now including Best of the Blog links, plus jokes and audio as always) ... oh, here's the box:

Join the jen is famous dot com mailing list for your city! Subscribers get access to secret comedy clips and posts.

Email:

What would you say if I told you I had started an entirely new blog, dedicated to pictures of (other) women in Wonder Woman costumes?

Well, I totally did.

do we have to shock people all the time just because we're so darn liberal?

One year, Salon commemorated Mothers' and Fathers' Days by publishing a litany of stories about people being abandoned and abused by their parents, choosing to have abortions, etc. Eventually, some people wrote in to complain and they cut it out.

I was reminded of this when I read this week's Savage Love -- for Christmas (in commemoration of the Virgin Mary), Dan Savage decided to write about "virginity horror stories." They're pretty terrible, and, indeed, funny. But also sort of a loud, pottymouthed cry for attention (headline: "Jesus Busted His Own Mom's Hymen!" Ahem).

no one should ever shout at you while you are on the Stairmaster

We live in a society that hates fat people, but has also made it politically incorrect to say "Goddamn, it feels fantastic to be thin." We're all supposed to linger dispassionately in the mid-ranges; it's like the fallacy of middle ground.

I have finally found a type of salad I like (I hate lettuce, but it turns out I dig spinach), and I've been making spinach salads with dried cranberries and flax seeds and chevre and raspberry viniagrette. When I say it feels good to be thin, I mean it literally -- my posture is much better when I get really thin. It feels fantastic to be standing up straight all the time without even thinking about it. I've never actually heard anyone else mention the effect of one's bodyfat level on one's posture, but I'm sure I couldn't be the only one.

While on the topic, though, I think the reality show The Biggest Loser is one of the meanest, least productive things I've ever seen. It's practically a human rights violation.

Torturing people as they try to lose weight for sixteen hours a day, and then putting them on a giant scale in front of their teammates and the opposing team, where, even if they've lost weight, everyone will likely be disappointed in them for not losing more? Have these people not heard that you shouldn't do anything on a diet that you wouldn't be willing to do for the rest of your life? (You shouldn't!) This show was so mean!

I think a few of the contestants were classic, ultracompetitive type-A personalities who took the ball and ran with it and will now be super-annoying, mountain-biking, protein-shaking drinking, jogging-at-5am-type diet fetishists for the rest of their lives. But that hardly justifies sending the message to America that getting healthy requires torturing yourself, public humiliation, and exercising until you cry. I hate you, NBC.

Semi-relatedly, this young man has been on a jam sandwich diet his entire life.

A request, my dear readers.

I would really like to pre-sell thirty of the "Jenisfamous Portable Comedy Compendium" books. It would help me greatly with the printing.

If you are interested in ever owning a Jenisfamous/Molly Crabapple illustrated comedy book, would you please consider ordering it now? I will send it to you with great love and care when it is ready. Thank you.

xo
Jen

The Jenisfamous Portable Comedy Compendium (pre-order)

You've heard the jokes. Now they are lovingly illustrated by artist Molly Crabapple, and interspersed with "best of" bits from the blog, odd little footnotes, and even an intermission. This 4 x 4 inch novelty book makes a great gift item, and is available signed.

This product is available for pre-order and will ship following its print run.

$10.00

Would you like it signed?	Autographed CopyNon-Autographed Copy
If so, to whom (first name) ought it be inscribed?

See more merchandise in the store

the value of punctuation: it conveys meaning, part II

Oftentimes, deli awnings will last various items sold at that deli, sometimes seemingly without regard to priority, as in "CIGARATTES CANDY NEWSPAPER COFFEE FISH." All fine and good, and the meaning is clear. But I laughed the other day when I saw a deli that listed only two things, one above the other in a box next the name of the deli, like this:

COFFEE
SANDWICHES

Coffee sandwiches! Tasty!

You can get "coffee jelly" (as in Jell-O) sometimes at places that sell bubble tea. But I've yet to see a coffee sandwich.

Once for a party I made espresso cookies and then realized after the fact that I had used so much coffee that I needed to warn people. I did the math, did some googling, and put up a sign warning people that consuming more than three cookies was inadvisable, and ten could cause a heart attack.

(I found that picture by searching Google for "nutella sandwich").

Related post:

the value of punctuation: it conveys meaning!

advertising versus rice-bowl death match!

You can advertise on Jenisfamous.com or on SarcasticSex.com for just $5.36 a day.

That is well over the cost of sponsoring a child in a war-torn nation, but, hey, your call.

if I make the sad-kitty face, will someone give me a sitcom? pretty please? meow?

Lest anyone should accuse me of pulling a Paris Hilton and never changing my facial expression, here are some photos from the photoshoot I did for Evilkid, by Aeric Meredith-Goujon.




Related post:

I see London, I see France

Recap: December 14th Jenny Vaudeville Show

Please pardon the delay; this recap is now in service.

On December 14th, 2005, on a cold night in Williamsburg, a panoply of talented performers and a plethora of stylish and urbane audience members converged at Pete's Candy Store for the Jenny Vaudeville Show.

First, I told some jokes, and announced that we would, as always, have contests and prizes, and that one of the prizes would be this vibrator, which has since gone up in price to $1.99, but which had been priced at sixty-nine cents when someone sent me the link, so I ordered ten as a joke, figuring the order wouldn't go through because of the "pricing error." A week later, I got a box of ten vibrators ($6.90!) in the mail. I still have nine.

I was not yet wearing my Wonder Woman underpants; I decided I'd shed clothing throughout the show until I was ready to fight crime.

Here is what happened then. Photos by Semyon (see the complete set here).


Erin and Her Cello started off the show with her song "At the Zoo."
Listen here.


Comic Carolyn Castiglia not only made us all laugh, but she rapped in Dutch. I don't think there's a recording of that, exactly, but you can read her show recap here.


Allison, Rachel, and Nichelle competed in Comedy Trivia (2 points for a correct answer, 1 point or an arbitrary fraction thereof for an incorrect but funny answer). Rachel won a DVD, clinching the victory by answering "What happened to Rose of Sharon's dead baby in The Grapes of Wrath?" with "It died?" for seven-eighths of a point.


Rachel Kramer Bussel, erotica author extraordinaire, read her story "Doing the Dishes." Doing the dishes now turns all of us on. What are we supposed to do about that?
Here's her recap.


The Rob and Mark Show regaled us with musical comedy, including "The Blog Song," which highly amused the bloggers in the audience, including Nichelle, GirlyNYC, and Jessica Cutler.
Listen to the Blog Song here.
Somewhere in here, the "Guess the Author" contest was won by publicist Matt Caldecutt, who was the first to shout out "Ben Franklin!" as I read from an essay about how the speaker, Franklin, maintained his austere lifestyle by eating only porridge for breakfast, without even tea, but then his wife got all fancy on him and got him a silver porridge-bowl -- clearly the first step on the path to debauchery and licentiousness.


Monologuist Syd Bernstein performed The Sydney T. Bernstein's One-Man Show and One-Man Tell Christmas Special.
Read the text here.


Tony, Syd, and Mike competed in the first-ever Jenny Vaudeville "Math-Off," speed-answering questions like "What's five-sixths times ten elevenths?" and "If you have five ironic t-shirts, three pairs of dirty jeans, and the option to wear or not wear an ironic hat, how many different outfits could you create?" Syd won the vibrator.
Somewhere around this time, photographer Semyon went home. Brian Van was on hand to capture the next act (and to take the entire set of photos I previously blogged -- see them again here).


And, the finale! The Dartmouth Cords, an a capella group on tour during their holiday break from college, rushed into the room, utterly filling the diminutive stage. They even performed a comedy sketch in between songs. Quoth Jessica Cutler: "I felt all 'Mrs. Robinson' around those young boys."
Listen here.
By this point, I was down to my Wonder Woman underpants, but you've already seen those photos. I hear the party went on after I left around 1am. I was exhausted, but extraordinarily pleased. I put some pants back on and headed into the cold.

Next show: Wednesday, January 11th, 10pm, Pete's Candy Store. Featuring Zeroboy (the human sound-effects man!), musical comedy by Rachael Parenta, ventriloquism by Carla Rhodes, special musical guest The Two Man Gentlemen Band, and glass-walking and other circus tricks by the beautiful and deadly Pyrate Sisters.

Related post:

Jenny Vaudeville - Saving the world from Nazis

Prolegomenon to Any Future Blogsterbation

I've been catching up on various people's blogs, and perusing some new ones, and it's a bit melancholic. The vast majority of people I've met in the blog scene I like very much individually, but when blogging occurs, generally speaking, there's all the sniping and cliquishness and damnation by faint praise and even passive-aggressive linking.

There a name I can't remember for the idea of how space (as in architecture and urban planning and simple geography) affects our behavior; the classic example is that when you put front porches on the houses, people talk to each other more. People in New York buy more iPods than people in LA because we take subways and they have car stereos. Something inherent in the medium of blogging makes people substantially less chill.

I am noticing from bloggers the sort of obsessive dating-type behavior of the sort generally ascribed to girls, usually derogatorily -- if you and another blogger attend an event and that blogger is later mentioned and not you, well, that's easy to interpret; however, if both of you are mentioned but the other blogger gets a link and you don't, well, maybe that's a little backhanded, isn't it?

I was talking to Megan once about how obsessive dating behavior is just that -- obsessive -- but that doesn't make it incorrect. It is often quite precise, even if engaging in it changes the nature of the experiment (that is, one's actions in checking up too much on a budding relationship will change the very thing one is checking up upon¹).

For example: you're seeing someone, not yet in a relationship. You send an email² and it goes unanswered for 24 hours. No big deal. But while passing the time, you log on to the personals site where the two of you met, and see that the person who has not answered your email for the last 24 hours has logged in to the personals in the last two hours.

Is this behavior obsessive? Completely. One should avoid acting this way. But are you wrong that someone's just not that into you? No, you're probably right on the money.

In contrast to this tightly-knit web of overanalysis, I hope to somewhere find a gentleman who is straightforward and relatively immune to others' evaluations of him, and we can stay in and watch Netflix movies. I could go back to New Hampshire and find a nice lumberjack³ who has lice in his beard⁴ but, when he is unhappy about something, chops wood instead of blogging about it and then getting bummed if the comments don't go in his favor. Also, it has been a long time since I have owned a wooden birdfeeder. I know men who can make their own sushi, but none who make birdfeeders.

In closing, blogs are mean. The First Annual MySpace Stupid Haircut Awards are both mean and funny.

The end.

1) Can anyone remember the name of the principle in science that states that observing an experiment changes the outcome?

2) A simple one, like "Do you like the Fugees? I do. Hey, let's get lunch," such as might receive a brief but prompt reply. Not something like "Where is this going? I've been hurt a lot, so I just wanted to ask now" such as might be expected to receive a reply just right after never.

3) My college really had a forestry team. They speed-felled trees in competition, but the Canadians always won.

4) Hyperbole.

December 30th: bring us your poor, your huddled masses, your Dr. Phil books and crocheted tissue-box cozies

"The Re-Gifting Comedy Show"
December 30th, 11pm, FREE
Pete's Candy Store, 709 Lorimer St in Williamsburg

Remember the Seinfeld episode about "re-gifting" -- giving as a gift something that was given to you, but you didn't like enough to keep? Bring an unwanted gift to this show -- all gifts will be circulated and redistributed, so you might come home with something better! Comedians will keep you entertained as the bad gifts go 'round.

Featuring Jill Twiss, Aaron Haber, Jenny Rubin, Theron Steiner, Rachael Parenta, Jackson Yung, Elon James White, Brad Aldous, and Michelle Buteau!

Merry Christmas, in art

It's nearly Christmas! I have already received a very warm bathrobe and a tea strainer, both of which are very useful. I hope that you, too, are warm and, um, strained.

Here are some holiday greetings by my artist friends -- click each to enlarge.


Molly Crabapple


Jamie B. Wolcott


Aaron Hitchcock

no snow ... it's more like a bamboo forest in here

I'm at home in Virginia, where my parents' office is filled to the brim with my mother's stuffed panda bears and panda memorabilia. My mother has taken up watching the San Diego Zoo's PandaCam. Apparently, the baby panda somersaults around while his mother keeps him in check, and the daddy panda spends hours shoveling bamboo into his mouth and then collapses and goes to sleep, face first, on a rock.

The news in Jenville (Jenland? Jenistan? Jenoslovakia?)

• There are two new reviews on the Sarcastic Sex Toy Blog. Dirty, dirty, wry, and dirty.
  
  
• I took the Metro North to and from work (I was teaching an SAT class near Grand Central), and both times no one checked tickets, so I still have an unpunched $8.50 round trip ticket from Harlem to Grand Central. I can't imagine when I would ever need to use this.
  
  When I left for work, there was word of an end to the strike; when I arrived back in East Harlem, I saw people walking in and out of the subway, and it was like the hopeful end to some kind of post-apocalyptic science fiction film, like when everyone escapes from the bubble in Logan's Run.
  
  
• This is tenuous and could fall through, but I have been selected to be an egg donor again! Mom and Dad gave me good genes. We should get a family crest bearing the Latin version of "No alcoholics, suicides, or birth defects!" If it weren't terribly offensive, I could start an egg donation blog called (wait for it...) "Eujenics."

new on the Sarcastic Sex Toy Blog: The Vibrating Hairbrush

Ten bucks. It also works as a dog whistle, a teacup, and the Cliffs Notes to Wuthering Heights.

I love my tutoring job (and New York)

Today I discovered that the mother of one of my tutoring students -- the nice, pretty woman who makes tea while I'm teaching geometry -- was in the original cast of Cats.

what's the point of plastic surgery when everyone can see your "before" on TV?

I'm not one to go calling out signs of impending Apocalypse -- I think that reality shows and rampant Hollywood cheek implants are appalling, yes, but that people used to get disemboweled in the Spanish Inquisition, and that overall, society will be just fine.

Tonight I saw an episode of Dr. 90210, in which porn star Tabitha Stevens got new cheek implants and a large woman received massive liposuction plus a breast lift and augmentation while her seventeen-year-old sister (who looked about twelve) got "full C cup" breast implants to match. (I know that a seventeen year old with enormous knockers sounds kinda hot, but watching her mom pressure her into unnecessary surgery was just creepy).

I have now seen what it looks like when someone's breast tissue is removed through a nipple-area hole, an implant is shoved under their pectoral muscle, their actual breast tissue is shoved back through the hole, and their nipple is sewn back on. I never thought I would see that. Disembodied breast tissue looks kind of like brains.

I liked how the doctors would never say that something looked good. They were very careful. They would say things like "This will make her look more like she wants to look," or "This will create an appearance that will improve her perception of herself." In the case of Tabitha Stevens, freaky ex-porn star (she is currently producing a non-porn film about a porn star who goes on a spiritual journey to leave porn, during which she, Tabitha Stevens, playing herself, is strung up via shark hooks through the skin of her back), the doctor was like "This is what the bitch wants. She thinks it looks good, I'm gonna call this a day."

In the Soviet Union, the trains ran on time, but everything else sucked and millions of people escaped to come here

Dear Annoyingly Striking Transit Workers: You want more money and more benefits and a bigger pension? Start your own company. That's how we do things in America.

From the Times this morning:

At the corner of Cedar and Nassau Streets in the downtown financial district, Christian Kerr, 28, a foreign currency analyst , was assessing his options for getting to his office adjacent to Grand Central Terminal in midtown.

"I don't know how I'm going to get to work, honestly," he said. He thought he might take one of the ferries to the 30's and walk.

"It's a pain in the neck," he said. "I'm very anti-union, especially this time of year. It's ridiculous. If you look what they're asking for, that's 50 years ago. Pensions don't work like that anymore."

Hey Christian, I think you're sexy.

The MTA is, indeed, corrupt and doing shady things with its money, but that doesn't change the issue; an unlikable MTA doesn't somehow make illegally striking workers more deserving. Also from the Times article:

Mr. Toussaint appealed for public support, acknowledging the tremendous inconvenience to millions of commuters and tourists. "To our riders, we ask for your understanding and forbearance. We stood with you to keep token booths open, to keep conductors on the trains, to oppose fare hikes," he said. "We now ask that you stand with us. We did not want a strike, but evidently the M.T.A., the governor and the mayor did."

Hey, guess what -- I don't support any of those things, either. Keeping token booths open for the few old people who refuse to use vending machines? Opposing conductorless trains out of simple fear of technology? And, sure, nobody wants a fare hike, but compared to the cost of owning, insuring, maintaining, and buying fuel for a car, $76 a month for an unlimited card is damn cheap (I paid $350 a month to have a car in Virginia). If they could make the train come faster, and install those little electronic bulletins they have in the stations in DC that tell you when the next train is coming, I would happily pay more. Another $10 a month for all the time I'd save? A fine deal.

Don't like your job? Put together a resume and try to get a better one. It's never been a secret that you live in a capitalist country.

It's 12:50. Do you know where your MTA workers are?

The NY Times, Fox 5, the Post, and the NY Daily News are all mum on whether there's a strike. All are still displaying articles that say things about the city bracing for the possibility of a strike at midnight.

Winning the award for useless journalism is the Daily News, running an AP story that first asked “How can you give a raise to a bus driver who would make three old ladies walk home in the cold?” and then went all-out Dr. Strangelove on us with this closing graf:

Jose Padilla, 34, said he and fellow Coca-Cola employees are meeting at 4 a.m. to come up with a plan to put more workers in trucks to ensure their product gets delivered in the case of a strike. “We have to get the Coke to the people,” Padilla said. “Just because there is a strike, people don’t stop drinking coke.”

Yes, Jose. We have to get the coke to the people. Wars have been fought over less.

praise be to Harlem

I'm down to my last pair of two-week disposable contacts, and, somewhat embarrassingly, my mother has been buying my contact lenses for me from the time I started wearing them to, well, age 26. I now have health insurance (and have for nine days!), but I wasn't sure how to use it or whether I had any kind of vision benefits. I finally just walked into my local barrio optical shop, "Wizard of Eyes," got an immediate appointment, had a perfectly pleasant eye exam, and will be able to pick up my contacts tomorrow.

Adulthood comes in peculiar little quanta. I ran a company when I was 19 (not fantastically, but I was the only undergrad doing it at Dartmouth, even in the height of the dotcom era), but waited until I was 27 to see an eye doctor by myself.

I can't wait for prom!

audio: I had a baby with a gay man

Here's another clip from the radio interview I did with "The Stress Factor," this time discussing my babymama, the baby I'm having with a gay man, and how these things only happen deliberately.


"I had a baby with a gay man" - from "The Stress Factor"
I have another clip or two to post from this, but my favorite bit is actually right after I got off the phone (I had been talking about "fellatio plus melons"), when the hosts had this discussion:

"Holy moly, is what I have to say."

"We're gonna all just, we're gonna all just...."

"I think I need a cigarette."

(laughing)

"Okay, we're going to come back and deal with some of your relationship emails and issues."

"At this point I don't even care."

but I am using mine with verve and panache! it's different, I swear!

When I first saw the clever defacement of this Treo ad, I thought, Ha, yuppie wankers, foiled again!

My next impulse was to take a picture ... with my Treo.


click to enlarge

they're called "pants," and it's not so bad

Megan and I saw these winter shorts in the window of Forever 21 on Union Square. We stared at them, not wanting to say the obvious: wouldn't our legs be cold?


It seems such a silly, unnecessary question, yet there are the winter shorts, in all their tweed and wool and pinstripe.

Megan said: "Great, I guess I'll go put on my corduroy bikini."

we've both been on Fleshbot; does that make us friends?

My ex-loves are all smashing up into my present. On top of brunch with one ex-boyfriend and a road trip with another (and his wife), I am now in touch with the object of a crush I had -- on a television star -- when I was ten.

Remember this guy? ("I always wondered where my mandibula was").

So, Donavan Freberg has a blog. And you can see him naked on the internet. He writes:

I love your blogs!

Sarcastic sex toys may just be the greatest thing ever!!!

The Sarcastic Sex Toy Blog prompted Donavan to send this link (not safe for work) to the Cock O' Lada.

a Norwegian gentleman said to me today

"America is full of choice, but it's irrelevant choice. You have fifty kinds of cereal! An entire aisle of cereal. But when you go to vote, there are only two parties, and they're basically the same."

a radio clip, featuring "fellatio plus melons"

Here is a clip from a radio interview I did on 11/3/05:


Jen discusses the Sarcastic Sex Toy Blog on "The Stress Factor"



this is me with host Lou Ruggieri at the Dec. 6 Spectacular
Related posts:

shout-out to all my peeps from Montclair State and "The Stress Factor"
From SarcasticSex: The T.B.M.

filmmaker Vincent Gallo is selling his sperm for $1 million

This is far greater than the fee I received for my eggs, although Mr. Gallo is going to pay for the in-vitro fertilization out of his fee. He also specifies "If the purchaser of the sperm chooses the option of natural insemination, there is an additional charge of $500,000. However, if after being presented detailed photographs of the purchaser, Mr. Gallo may be willing to waive the natural insemination fee and charge only for the sperm itself."

He also specifies that his family contains "no cripples," and that "If you have seen The Brown Bunny, you know the potential size of the genitals if it's a boy. (8 inches if he's like his father.) I don't know exactly how a well hung father can enhance the physical makeup of a female baby, but it can't hurt."

Things get messed up and racist after that. Here's the link (scroll to the bottom).

Related posts:

a few thoughts on egg donation after the fact
No one ever refers to women as "virile"
I'm going to end up in bar fights
the state of things
egg tales
imagine being a nurse in the maternity ward who wasn't told about any of this
cheaper by the dozen
update from solitary hotel room
I'm sure a male comedian who became a sperm donor would not receive cute sperm-related gifts
thanks for all the love

age differences in dating

Since the cowboy, I have been on a couple of dates with younger men and subsequently concluded that the situation was untenable. One gentleman not only agreed with my assessment, but added that our 2-3 year age difference was "more like five years" because I'm the girl. I pontificated further and now think the multiple is even greater; if you take the age difference between a younger man and older woman and multiply it by pi, it works out just about right. For instance, my dating a 22 year old is about as weird as my dating a 42.7 year old.

press: jenny vaudeville coverage from the undiscovered superstar

A Jenny V. recap from Carolyn Castiglia, who rapped in Dutch, much to the amusement of the Cords and everyone else.

I've also been quoted by comic book guru Warren Ellis and given a little sugar by Jessica Cutler.

Remind me not to date other bloggers, because I don't want to have to check up on my own love life via RSS feed.

humor writers in superhero suits

After my recent Wonder Woman gallivanting, Brian Van suggested I perform a duet with this person.

hammer hard fuck games devoid of all taboos

Commenting on spam headlines is a banal blog topic, but this missive proved simply irresistable:

Subject: hammer hard fuck games devoid of all taboos

That first bit, the "hammer hard fuck games" -- a bit ee cummings, no? No words are wasted here.

And note, we have said "devoid of all taboos" -- not "anything goes," which leaves the mind blank of suggestion, which is so permissive as to become boring, to merely put another layer of gloss on our desensitization to the vamped-up eros of advertising and porn.

"Devoid of all taboos" reminds us of what those taboos might be -- it lifts the skirt a peek on what we might get the chance to do, all while reminding us that in other, lesser places, such things are forbidden. A flash of thigh, a hint of sadomasochistic asphyxiation -- both are sexier when the implication is that these things are not available to others, that this chance is urgent, ephemeral.

The rest of the email reads:

This site is not for the faint of heart.
Here all morals are thrown to the wind and man boldly goes where most dare not tread. The motto here is Wet and Wild.
What happens is not your normal sex, instead hammer hard fuck games devoid of all taboos.
This is something for only the most adventurous sex pro's and lust junkies.
Hot, hard and exclusive; and all in the best picture and sound quality available.
No where else will you get a show like this; only here.

Note that we do not simply say, ingenuously: "This is Wet and Wild," but rather "The motto here is Wet and Wild," as though to imply that we are the sorts of people who don't simply advertise things as Wet and Wild, but rather we are the sorts of people who quote others, bemusedly, as having said "Wet and Wild."

The people here, we might say, as though leading an erudite sex tour, consider themselves "Wet and Wild." We would hardly take such people home to Mother, but wouldn't it be pleasant to have sex with them? Why, we should become veritable "lust junkies"!

I am willing to grant poetic license to the run-ons and unconventional semicolon use.

Hammer-hard we go, our morals thrown to the wind.

dear girl who once upon a time avoided a date with a judgmental financial services professional - good for you!

My buddy Jim is a contestant on this week's New York Post Meet Market. I think you should go and vote for him, as the #2 guy on the list is kind of pissing me off. He writes:

My worst date happened back in college. I was supposed to go out on a first date with a certain girl, but on the day before the date I caught her making out with another guy. Needless to say, we never went on that date!

So, not only was this girl not your girlfriend, you hadn't even been on a single date with her! You think you own her? Sure, seeing her making out with another guy is damn awkward, and, sure, I could see not wanting to go on the date anymore -- if you had said "It was really awkward, so the date just never happened," I could understand.

But "needless to say"? "Caught her"? Sorry, accountant -- the girl is just too hot for you to handle.

transit strike?

What do I care, as long as the internet still works?

Jenny Vaudeville - Saving the world from Nazis

Brian says:

Pics from last night's amazing Jenny Vaudeville show.

Look, learn, love.


Update: Brian's headline has to do with the fact that I learned last night, on stage, that Wonder Woman saved the world from Nazis in the comic books and on the show. I had been wondering where to find a man tied to train tracks whom I might rescue.

Update 2: Also, I like how Brian sent me an email this morning explaining that he had posted the photo link to my blog, and then helpfully included a link ... to my own blog. You know, in case I can't find it myself. I hate when that happens. Losing your blog is totally worse than losing your keys.

Update 3: Semyon, who took these Spectacular photos on Dec. 6th, emailed me to say that he'd post the photos on Saturday, and also , of my Wonder Woman outift, "Even in Russia we don't do this kind of stuff before downing a bottle of vodka or so."

Update 4: Bloggers were in the house.

professionalizing the erotic and the sadistic

Trading erotic fiction with people with whom you are not flirting is a tad peculiar, a bit of a dry, professional take on something rarely dry and professional, like an Excel spreadsheet of orgasm frequency and intensity, which gets worked into a Powerpoint presentation comparing this quarter's climactic performance with last quarter's and ending with a bullet-pointed list of suggestion improvements in technique, angle, and ambiance, and encouraging shareholders to hold to their shares in anticipation of enhanced future orgasms, next quarter.

I was asked to submit something to an erotic fiction anthology, and I also recently received as a gift a collection of erotic fiction written in part by the giver of the gift, and it prompted me to think about the strangeness of erotica as a profession; I am reminded of the time my ex-boyfriend, the cowboy, went back to his old apartment building to help his ex-neighbor, the dominatrix, with the wiring in her apartment. She was short on cash and wanted to compensate him, so she offered him a flogging.

Such a service does have a high cash value, but it is not a miscible good; it cannot readily be exchanged for other goods and services. The bank does not have an exchange rate set for floggings, or ball-kickings, or forced feminizations (and really, one's boyfriend oughtn't either).

tomorrow night, it's free, it's late, it's fabulous: The Jenny Vaudeville Show

The Jenny Vaudeville Show
Wednesday December 14th, 2005
10pm
Pete's Candy Store
709 Lorimer Street in Williamsburg
Free!

In December, featuring...

• humorous songs by Erin and Her Cello (pictured)
  
• Village Voice columnist Rachel Kramer Bussel reading humorous erotic fiction
  
• comic Carolyn Castiglia rapping in Dutch
  
• a holiday performance by monologue artist Syd Bernstein
  
• sketch comedy by the Rob and Mark Show
  
• special musical guests The Cords regaling the audience with kitschy '80s tunes and more
  
• plus prizes for audience-participation contests in trivia, extreme spelling, and "guess the author"!

Directions to Pete's: Take the L train to the second stop in Brooklyn, Lorimer. Exit at the head of the train, and walk along Lorimer in the direction of the BQE. Pete's is 1.5 blocks past the BQE, on your left. 709 Lorimer Street, between Frost and Richardson Streets. (718) 302-3770.

Tomorrow night! Free!

Oh, and I will be emceeing in my Wonder Woman underpants.

Related posts:

Read a play-by-play of September's show, with pictures and music clips
Read a recap of October's show - pictures and text by Brian Van
November's recap, with blurry Treo photos

baptizing a snake does not make it grow legs

Syd, a buddy of mine who will also be performing in tomorrow night's show, has written an article explaining his position as both a religious traditionalist and a liberal feminist. I enjoyed it greatly, in part because not enough works of biblical exegesis contain repeated uses of the phrase "you fucking dipshit."

Read Girls! Girls! Girls!

Laughing Liberally

So, after the audition and the callback, I am now booked to perform at Laughing Liberally on January 6th. Details here.

love the Army, love that vordville

On Saturday night, I entertained the troops at Fort Hamilton Army Base in Brooklyn. The audience was actually largely full of families (not stalwart young soldiers in uniform), making the gender, age, and racial composition of the crowd roughly similar to that of a black church. My Navy brat jokes went over well, along with "powder your nose," "pigeons," and a new bit about getting hit on in Spanish Harlem.

I didn't realize until I arrived that it was more a vaudeville-variety show than a comedy show. The person hanging the sign didn't so much realize that it was a "vaudeville" show either:


They did post my headshot in the lobby, which was sweet, and I signed a number of autographs.


Boxer Smokin' Joe Frazier was swamped by autograph-seekers, and the audience was initially extremely enthusiastic about his appearance ... until he started to sing.


The audience giggled and twittered throughout his rendition of "My Way." Mr. Frazier had changed some of the lyrics to be about boxing, and in some of the lyrics he simply skipped entire words because he couldn't hit the notes.

Afterwards, we were invited to mingle at the Officers' Club, which was quite beautiful and well-appointed. I posed for some photos and, I think, agreed to come entertain during some sort of intramural Army basketball game halftime show.

new review on sarcaticsex.com (a gift for folks of any gender!)

There is a new post on the Sarcastic Sex Toy Blog: a review of the Nipple/Testicle Teaser w/Proof.

Remember, sex toys make great holiday gifts! Support someone's Kujichagulia by purchasing them a Reckless Rabbit, a Butt Banger, a 5x Giga Power Space Explorer Chrome Bullet Vibe, or -- for that really special someone -- an 8" Realistic Cock W/E-Z Rider Ball.


Go to the Sarcastic Sex Toy Blog

get down with your frankincense and myrrh

I just looked up a slew of holiday words for round one of the spelling bee. They include various Christmas, Hannukah, Wicca, and Kwanzaa-related words, although I mercifully left out the second principle of Kwanzaa, Kujichagulia, or Self-Determination.

The Williamsburg Spelling Bee
Tonight, Monday, December 12th
Pete's Candy Store, 709 Lorimer St. in Williamsburg (map)
Signup 7:00, Bee at 7:30

Update: I'm also not making anyone spell "Chrismahanukwanakah" (courtesy cheesy Virgin Mobile campaign).

Errr! Let us destroy this so-called "cake"

The fourth season of Aqua Teen Hunger Force came out on DVD on my birthday, so I keep seeing these ads on other websites:


It looks like Ignignokt is coming down to celebrate, and destroy me with lasers!

It's like the Gap selling shirts that say "Fight Khaki!"

Yesterday, on the Upper West Side, I saw this:


It's a t-shirt, sold in Urban Outfitters, that says "Die Yuppie Scum."

Who on the Upper West Side is going to buy that -- other than teenagers buying it with their (yuppie) parents' money?

Can you imagine?

"Mom, can I have this $140 faux-vintage lace dress that hangs like a sack so it looks like I really scavenged it from a thift store? I need it for school."
"Okay."
"And these $22 striped, fingerless winter gloves? You know, for winter?"
"Sure."
"Oh, and this cool Die Yuppie Scum t-shirt!"
"Um, let's not."
"Whyyy? You never let me have anything I want!"
"Shut up, or you can drive the old car when we get to the Hamptons."

Richard Pryor

I was in transit to my show on Saturday night when I got a text message from another comic that Richard Pryor had died. This photo of his star on Hollywood Boulevard is from RichardPryor.com. I wonder if it's irony or simple neglect that has kept this as the front page graphic on the site:

hipsterism

I am so not a hipster, even when the press loves to say otherwise.

I am, I admit, unpersuaded by the promise of an open bar surrounded by strangers. Long live introverts! Not that they don't live longer already, what with the far less frequent club-bathroom-cocaine visits.

Hinjudiasm

Tomorrow I have a job conducting an SAT information session at a yeshiva.

While readying my long skirt and blazer, I'm trying to think of something that could appropriately bear the slogan "Putting the Shiva back in Yeshiva!"

Susie

Okay, this post about the legwarmers has been updated, and it is hilarious and charming.

Yes, yes, I really liked the legwarmers! They were perfect with the pointy boots! And it was actually cold out; they were not a mere affectation!

vaudeville on Squidoo

And look! I also have a vaudeville lens on Squidoo. Learn more about vaudeville. And, apparently, lenses. Oh, you technological technology on the interweb.

An acquaintance once answered the question "What's the difference between vaudeville and burlesque?" with "Less boobs, more Jews."

Update: Oh, and a spelling bee lens.

"romantically linked"

What is it with the phrase "romantically linked"?

Celebrities get to be "romantically linked" with other celebrities, but you never say that about regular people. "Oh, Debbie, she's been romantically linked with Joe from accounting."

When you say "So-and-so has been romantically linked with Heath Ledger, Richard Gere, Keanu Reeves, and Warren Beatty," it all sounds swanky and glamorous. If you say "She has had sex with Heath Ledger, Richard Gere, Keanu Reeves, and Warren Beatty," it just sounds slutty. But it's not like we really have any indication that these people were "romantically" linked rather than merely, you know, just linked. Sometimes linking is just linking.

Apparently, college students "hook up." If you make it in Hollywood, you get promoted to a presumption of romance.

December 6th Spectacular Costume Contest!

We were a little neglectful with the photography in recognizing those who arrived in exceptional costumes! However, names were taken and people were contacted -- here are two lovely retro ladies who are receiving gift packages.

Grand prize winner Natasha was captured obliquely in this photo by Semyon:


Natasha arrived as a flapper with 100% period-appropriate hair, makeup, and dress, with finishing touches of bangles and adorable white gloves. We were fortunately also able to obtain this reconaissance camera photo of her:


Elizabeth, a regular in the rockabilly scene, was swinging in a '50s-inspired black lace number.


Mister Joseph Rosato regretably avoided the paparazzi, but is also receiving a prize for his three-piece suit, derby hat, and, if I recall, bankerly watch chain.

The "cutest couple" award goes to Mint and Mike:


Hopefully, mail-borne prizes shall wipe the memory of our debauched forgetfulness.

Spectacular, Spectacular

My inbox keeps filling up with photos. Adira referred to the "paparazzi" at the show, which I thought was funny. From Gary Winter:


Molly at the merch table, looking ladylike
Here are some of Brian Van's photos, with annotation:


Adira Amram! This cutie sold a bunch of CDs.


"Lusty Lady" Rachel Kramer Bussel!


Megan, El Orangina, me looking very surprised!

note to spammers trying to send me fake mail from Paypal

So, Paypal needs me to log in and "verify my account" by submitting my credit card details, or else my account will be suspended immediately?

Right.

As if it weren't enough that my spam filter noted your deceptive URL and marked the email ***JUNK***, I would also like to point out that Paypal does not address emails to its customers with "Dear Sir."

You're not even an American spammer.

When I ran an internet marketing company, I took applications for internships. I received a great many of them from India, from programmers who needed internships to complete their degrees. All of them were addressed "Dear Sir." A few not from India were also addressed "Dear Sir."

As my company's website made quite clear that I was in charge (complete with photo and bio), such that an clueful applicant could have addressed a cover letter not just to "Dear Sir or Madame," but to "Dear Ms. Dziura," this was a very easy way to weed out applications from people I wouldn't want working for me. (Someone should tactfully inform the engineering schools in India -- that shit doesn't fly at Fortune 500 companies either).

It is also, it turns out, a reasonable method of filtering out mischievous spam.

not to mention the waffle print on your ass

It's hard to be sexy when it's cold out. Have you ever put on thong underwear ... and then long underwear? How sexy is your Victoria's Secret layer going to be when someone has to get through your Paul Bunyan layer first? She's smokin'... and the way she chops down trees! Hot damn. And lookit that ox.

I barely understand this, but here it is

I built the NYComedy lens on Squidoo. You can subscribe to it via a small button in the righthand bottom corner.

It pulls posts and photos from my favorite comedy blogs, so you can check up on lots of comedy at once. I will add more links in due time.

You know, I remember back when I was a web designer in 1997 and I was considered forward-thinking for my imagemaps and animated GIFs.

Related posts:

I've got a new robot spleen, too
kitty heaven, where balls of yarn rain gently from the sky
blog! chase ball of yarn! demand tuna! blog!

she's buxom AND prose-producing

Congratulations to Molly Crabapple on her first item in the NY Press, The Neckface has no clothes.

it's not too late to join the service

This Saturday night, I am doing a show at Ft. Hamilton Army Base, entertaining the troops. I have been informed that boxer Smokin' Joe Frazier will be singing. I think he'll be singing a Christmas song. Who knew?

bantering skills

More from the December 6th Spectacular: bobbyblue told me he closed out the night with some stand-up, which I thought cute if odd, as bobby is a phenomenal singer and spelling bee emcee, but not (generally speaking) a comic.

However, thebenjones of Jigsaw Gallery just informed me that, according to bobby, officially I was whisked away in my limousine to do a midnight photo shoot for "Bed, Bath & Beyonce."

I'm giggling.

This is why the spelling bee is so magical.

For those of you in DC, bobby and I are bringing it to the Smithsonian's spelling bee on May 9th.

Related posts:

Spelling Finals October 17, 2005
bobby and I are, ephemerally, one square inch of major news media
Also see: The Williamsburg Spelling Blog

exemplar of austere living

I am eating nonfat Greek yogurt with strawberries and low-carb special K flakes. I shall have six-pack abs by summer!

Related post:

in which I come out of the closet as a very girly meathead

more fantastic photos of the Spectacular

Some of my favorites are below, annotated. For the whole set, go here:
Jenisfamous Birthday Spectacular photos by Semyon. Semyon knows what to do with lighting! He has made everyone I love look pretty.


Have you ever seen anything as cute as Singing Sadie?

Al Duvall was charming and funny!

y las flores did a gorgeous set.

I admired this man's mustache.

Megan and I are BFF! I love this photo.

The one, the only, Baron Vaughn.

I have been working out my calves.

Yes. This is the kind of party I throw. I adore this woman.

I have been made to look elegant, rather than tipsy.
I think this photo symbolizes the goodness of my world right now.
A huge thank-you to Semyon.

Related posts:

swank
birthday photos by Gary Winter
love and alcohol
Jenisfamous Birthday Spectacular (best enjoyed responsibly)
i can't believe I got so drunk at my party
swan song
there is more to this joke, but I think you'll have to come hear it in person
I'm sure my mom will also email me about this
Yes, of course it is free, my new acquaintances!
Tuesday, December 6th: I formally request the honour of your presence

spelling bee in The Brooklynite

Here is an article about the spelling bee in the Brooklynite.

Related posts:

e-u-o-n-y-m
maybe a rumor, maybe not
bobby and I are, ephemerally, one square inch of major news media
well, i'll bet THOSE spelling bees don't have beer specials

Also see: German Public Radio, The Williamsburg Spelling Blog

Recap: December 5th After School Comedy Special

On Monday, comics Chelsea Peretti, Brad Aldous, Jackie Novak, and Susie Felber came out to the 'burgh for the After School Comedy Special (theme: Don't Let Strangers Touch Your Bathing Suit Area).


Chelsea, Brad, Jackie, Susie
We did Mad Libs, including one of the Eurythmics' "Sweet Dreams are Made of These." It went, in part:

Sweet dreams are made of knishes
Who am I to transubstantiate?
I travel the duck
And the 22 ducks
Everybody's looking for banjo.

Susie wore these amazing legwarmers
The next After-School Comedy Special takes place January 16th, featuring Dan Allen, Raquel D'Apice, Drew Hirsch, and Lianne Stokes.

Related post:

Recap: Novemebr 21st After School Comedy Special
See also: Susie's response to this post

swank

This may be the most stylish photo of the evening. Look at that expression I am making, turning my head in, slyly, towards The Assimilated Negro. And look at the gentleman who is incognito under his hat brim!


Related post:

bloggers on public transportation
See also: TAN's response to this post

birthday photos by Gary Winter

Gary must have, conservatively speaking, five thousand photos of me and Molly by now. Thanks, Gary!

Related posts:

my, but i have funny expressions
an ode to the Girdle Factory
good things cooking in the easy-bake oven of life
It looks like a cigar, but it's a feather duster
I'm actually live-blogging from Schaffer the Darklord's show
Feast on figs and halal chickens! Buy detective novels in Urdu!
eyes are the windows to the heart of darkness

love and alcohol

Today I have learned a lesson about love. That lesson is that when love is expressed as free drinks, one should not allow oneself to be loved more than three or four times in a single night. That is too much love.

You know you've put on a good party when you are so -- as Brian put it -- "crunked" that you need to be physically carried through the crowd, fireman-style, by a gallant publicist. I spent all day sleeping off my hangover, in my party dress, occasionally waking to cast off some jewelry.

Quoth Andy Bean of the Two Man Gentlemen Band, "This woman's intemperance is nauseating!"

Jenisfamous Birthday Spectacular (best enjoyed responsibly)

Brian says:
First, I'd like to personally thank everyone for coming out last night for the show. We all had a great time, and Jen and I personally love you all for taking a brave trip through the wintry weather to come see us get crunked.
(note: we are not taking rainchecks on the sleep-with-Jen thing. Please stop emailing us. Thank you.)

Our first photo gallery of the day is for the show itself. Enjoy:
Jenisfamous Birthday Spectacular - The Show!

Our second photo gallery has the beautiful people in our audience:
Jen's Very Lovely Guests

Another note: we have as many performances we could get on the trusty 485i.com camera. We are missing shots of Veronica Varlow's performance (due to drunken technical issues), so we could use a couple of those if anyone has them.


Veronica and Jen

i can't believe I got so drunk at my party

If Tara Reid had been to college, I think you'd get something like this.

Party pictures coming soon.

I am so full of love for you all.

Related posts:

swan song
there is more to this joke, but I think you'll have to come hear it in person
I'm sure my mom will also email me about this
Yes, of course it is free, my new acquaintances!
excitement for Tuesday
Tuesday, December 6th: I formally request the honour of your presence

some people I want to thank

This year has had its bumps, but I think I've never been happier and as self-sufficient and optimistic. Here are some thank yous and shout-outs:

To Molly, for the clever illustrations, but also for being my partner in urban domination and the only person I know who works like I do.

To Megan, for being perpetually bubbly and thoughtful no matter what's happening (and a lot has been happening).

To Veronica, for being a sweetheart and for performing tonight. To Alia, for being a mastermind in our estrogen power circle. To Aeric, for the fantastic photos.

Cowboy, I hope you finish your book in Laos.

To Lady E, I wish you happiness with a bona fide lesbian, rather than near-lesbians and interlopers.

To Carolyn and Nichelle, for making Chicks and Giggles happen! To Shawn and Laura for the Mintyfresh shows, to Desiree for Smut, and to Michelle for The Social.

To Matt Caldecutt, for all the masterminding and bringing people together.

To Andy and bobbyblue for all the spelling bee magic, and to everyone who's been to the spelling bee, and especially to Josh, Jonathan, Greg, Michael, Tom, Tim, and everyone else who has been to many spelling bees. And to bobby again for Thanksgiving.

To all the people who've bought my CD and even sent me comments -- Frank, John, Jasen, and many others.

To all of the performers who've come out to perform at Pete's. To the Two Man Gentleman Band, Adira, Al, Sadie, Megan, Molly, Veronica, and bobby for coming out to perform tonight. To John Leavitt for the illustration.

To Syd, for seeing more of my shows than anyone else. To Mike and Mint for being my cutest attendees. To Shaun, Arthur, Branwyn, Jess, Heidi, Dilip, Shara, Gregg plus numerous SG friends, for coming out to shows.

To Gene-O for the book idea. To Jared, for the northerly escape plan. To peent, for still being around. To the Dartmouth Cords for bringing some nostalgia to New York.

To Mike Birbiglia for being much funnier than I am but no older, which is sort of motivational. To Josh Grosvent, for being in my clique ;) To Tim Warner, for believing that there's a moral imperative in comedy. To Schaffer the Darklord, for the inspiration.

To Alec, for the song.

To Brian Van, for the photos and coffee-fueled promotion.

To the gay man who bought my eggs, and to any babies that may result.

To Mom and Dad.

To all you people who leave nice comments on my blog.

swan song

A birthday email this morning (from someone the same age as I) suggested that:

we're in the swan song year
jimi hendrix, janis joplin, kurt cobain....

It's time to OD or off oneself! Can't wait.

hipsters

This entry from today may be my favorite Overheard ever:

Hipster guy: Wax makes my hair too sticky, I like the mud better.
Hipster girl: I can't believe we have sex.
--Mott & Spring

I see London, I see France

I've been modeling underpants. From Evilkid.com, the online store of one A.V. Phibes, who ate glass at the Jenny Vaudeville Show last month.


The other images on the underwear page aren't me, but the sock modeling picture is. Here's a bigger one:


Photos by Aeric Meredith-Goujon.

Related posts:

show me yours and I'll show you mine
they Photoshopped out my "f**k the world" tattoo
Also see: The Sarcastic Sex Toy Blog

After putting my ass on the blog again, I found you some completely unrelated posts so you can feel like you're reading a non-ass-based blog:

forbidden comedy topics!
IQ TESTS are to INTELLIGENCE as the BBC is to UNBIASED NEWS REPORTING
I always wanted to operate a popular grammar blog
American Apparel wants to dress you in unhemmed sacks of jersey

directions

Here is how to get to the Spectacular.

a paean to good chocolate

One of my students' mothers got me a box of Godiva chocolate after asking me to look over her son's school application essays. I think I would edit in exchange for Godiva pretty much anytime.

When my mom came to New York last summer, we went to Jaques Torres, where you can watch chocolate being made behind the glass factory wall, and they serve spicy hot chocolate and mocha, as the Aztecs drank it, of which I heartily approve, as I dislike sugary things but love very dark chocolate. I don't know why this hasn't taken off in the $tarbucks of the world -- a little black pepper, a few anchovies.... oh, those Aztecs. Hmmn, I wonder if that would work with rum.

The dark chocolate bark at Jaques Torres is one of the great pleasures of the universe. Amazing that something called "bark" could be such a delight.

Related posts:

call Nader! oh wait, nevermind
the rain is drizzling and so is the chocolate

xoxoxoxo

Thanks to John Leavitt for the graphic!

there is more to this joke, but I think you'll have to come hear it in person

The Jenisfamous Portable Comedy Compendium is now available for pre-order on the internet. It will also be available for pre-order at the Spectacular tomorrow night. Here is a sample of illustrator Molly Crabapple's handiwork:



"I bought this shirt the other day and it was cut all weird. A friend explained that the shirts are all cut like that now because we're supposed to be layering -- that shirt goes over another shirt. And I said, this is the biggest scam ever! I tell you: layering is the lather-rinse-repeat of our generation."
- Jenisfamous
Yes. that's me looking grouchy and over-layered. Note tiny over-layered girlthing -- she accompanies me throughout the book.

If you pre-order a book, it's kind of like a birthday gift for me and a gift for you at the same time!

Visit the online store

paintings!

Artist Irina Kharchenko has painted me! Well! And twice!



Here is one of the source photos used for the paintings:

That second painting is very Corpse Bride. Between the two, I have a menagerie.

a peek into my inbox

Everyone up here enjoyed your CD, even my two year old who heard a few parts before she started saying "dildo" abit too clearly. Of course she garbles it and it could just as well be another Sesame Street character, but I'm sure you understand why I had to wait to listen to the whole thing.
- Frank

I have been saving my change in a special Jen is famous jar – once it gets to $300.00 the Princess Leia metal bikini is all yours.
- Jeffrey

I might show up kind of late, and I may potentially be wearing latex and/or completely wasted, but I think that will be ok.
- Jess

bloggers on public transportation

Yesterday I was standing on the 6 train, holding onto the pole, oblivious to the world, when the train stopped at 110 and a man on his way out asked "Is your name Jen? Do you write a blog?" I smiled and said yes and the doors closed and the train sped away and I figured that was the end of it.

I arrived home to an email from this selfsame gentleman -- he is The Assimilated Negro! Turns out we're sort of neighbors, and both nominated for the World's Hottest Urban Blogger title.

Related posts:

I am so flattered it's like my birthday, early!

Tonight: Don't Let Strangers Touch Your Bathing-Suit Area

Monday, December 5th
The After-School Comedy Special
This week's theme: Don't Let Strangers Touch Your Bathing-Suit Area
Pete's Candy Store (L train to Lorimer -- see map)
7:30-9pm
Free

Featuring Brad Aldous, Chelsea Peretti, Susie Felber (pictured because she has pretty hair), and Jackie Novak.

The After-School Comedy Special (formerly "Comedy Show & Tell") mixes performances by top young comedians with nostalgic diversions including free candy, and Mad Libs!

Related posts:

Recap: November 21st After School Comedy Special

I'm sure my mom will also email me about this

So, this morning I sent out an email about the Spectacular that said:

It all goes down tomorrow night! When I was eight years old, I had the worst birthday party ever, at McDonald's. When we arrived, a McDonald's employee in a clown suit told us that he had forgotten to take the birthday cake out of the freezer and it was frozen solid, so instead, he brought out a Big Mac with a candle in it. Now, twenty-one years later, I have scores of people, sexy burlesque performers, muscial comedy, Latin music from my spelling bee co-host bobbyblue, and the old-tyme stylings of the Two Man Gentlemen Band. Life is good. Come help me celebrate! Tomorrow night!

It has been pointed out that I cannot do math.

Actually, I am very good at high-school level math, as I teach it for a living. I don't know what happened here. I am turning 27.

Update from Brian Van:: 8 + 21 = 29. So you are 29 years old, when you are really 27. (I'm the math nerd to your english nerd) Still, though, that's a really crappy birthday party. Did they run out of apple pies or ice cream? Is that the perfect gift for an eight-year-old, a 600-calorie behemoth with 25 grams of saturated fat? It was probably bigger than your head at the time. (did you eat the whole thing?)

(Yes, I did, and they also brought us McDonald's sundaes).

generally, even just one gentleman is sufficient

Tonight I went to see the Two Man Gentleman Band, which was pleasurable in ways both auditory and otherwise tingly. As a test prep teacher, I greatly enjoyed their song about a woman whose measurements (37-29-37) are prime numbers.

I also enjoy the presence of gentlemanly gentlemen here in this great city of jaded urbanites. From the "Dear Internet" section of the band's website:

Though it is music-making that brings us dollars, it is the gentlemanly art of etiquette that makes us men. And were the Lord to smite us two gentlemen, withering our musical hands with his heavenly blazes, we would still, I'm sure, make our daily journey to the park; not to fiddle with our instruments, but simply to greet ladies with jolly waves of our shrunken stubs. Good day, ma'am! I wave my stub at you! To be sure, there would be precious little money in this stub-waving. But, we could hold our chins high, knowing that we spend our days in demonstration of impeccable manners.

And you, good sirs and ladies, may see the Two Man Gentleman Band in person at this very same Jenisfamous Spectacular on Tuesday I keep getting all excited about.

They will be there, with guitar and bass, and derby hats, and kazoos! Tuesday! 8pm-midnight! CB's Gallery!

I am so flattered it's like my birthday, early!

I just got an email saying I've been nominated for the 2005 Urban Blogging Awards in the category "World's Hottest Urban Blogger"!

From the site:

Remember, you can nominate the same blog in several categories, and ... even if a blog you like has already been nominated, it’s worth your time to nominate that blog again — only those top blogs with the most total nominations will make it into actual voting. Nominations will be accepted until midnight EST on Wednesday, December 7.

Go here for instructions on how to re-nominate me!

(You can also just email tips@gridskipper.com, making sure to note the category for your nomination!)

Update: Nominations were closed early because there was such a deluge of them. Ah well, maybe next year.

I'm on a roll, a marital-aid-mocking roll

Oh, why not ... here's another review on the Sarcastic Sex Toy Blog. The blog is moderately safe for some workplaces right now, provided you don't scroll down to, for instance, the 8" Realistic Cock W/E-Z Rider Ball.

And now, I present:

6" Clear Heels With Clear 2" Platforms, Money In Heel and Platform

Yes, of course it is free, my new acquaintances!

I just received an email from the band Haunted Pussy, wondering about the price of Tuesday's show. It is free!

I also googled "Haunted Pussy" and discovered that Gawker credits them with writing the best press release ever. If you come on Tuesday, you might just meet these people!


click to enlarge
The lineup includes:
old timey music from Al Duvall, Singing Sadie,
and the Two Man Gentlemen Band
Latin flavor from ...y las flores
burlesque performances from Molly Crabapple and Veronica Varlow
musical comedy from Adira Amram

Also, there will be a hula hooping contest open to all, and prizes for best-dressed. Our Grand Prize -- one lucky winner will win tickets to "Bingo - The Musical"!

The new "Grammatically Correct Comedy" t-shirts and CDs will be debuted, and original art by Molly Crabapple from the illustrated Portable Comedy Compendium, will be on display in the gallery.

The Jenisfamous Spectacular
Tuesday, December 6th 8pm-midnight
CB's Gallery, 313 Bowery between 1st and 2nd Sts.
Free

take home a reckless rabbit

There is a new review on the Sarcastic Sex Toy Blog.

Doesn't "Reckless Rabbit" sound more like a character from a moralistic children's book than a sex toy? Perhaps the Reckless Rabbit could make his way into your panoply of bedroom tools along with his brethren the Usurious Tortoise, the Miserly Koala, and the Misanthropic Tree Squirrel.

Go now to the Sarcastic Sex Toy Blog.

I'm a Saggitarius! It makes perfect sense!

Today I received my first birthday gift! (If I may be so presumptuous as to assume that there will be others. My mom generally mails me a big box somewhat after my birthday, because she can't stand to send off a box that doesn't contain every little thing she wants to mail, including items on mail-order, and junk mail related to mailing lists I was on in the mid-nineties. But it is always nice to receive a Mom-imbued box of varied objects).

This afternoon the postman came with a very large but very lightweight box. I opened it. And:

My ex-boyfriend mailed me a crossbow.

I have certainly never put those words in that order before. This is my ex-boyfriend from high school, a decade ago, who is now happily married in Virginia and has a professional relationship with an antiques store. And now I have a small antique crossbow.

Bon anniversaire à moi.

show news

• If anyone was planning on seeing me at the Improv this Saturday, please be informed that I have rescheduled for a show in January (which will be attended by an agency by whom I wish to be seen).
  
  
• On the offhand, the show I was supposed to do at a firehouse in Jersey last month was rescheduled because the booker had a serious illness in the family; I've been promised another firehouse show to take its place. I really want to do a show in a firehouse! I don't know where they put the stage, but it would be awesome if it were right beneath that pole you can slide down.* I like grand entrances. (Incidentally, my show at Fort Hamilton Army Base next weekend is still on).
  
  
• Finally, for those of you in the D.C. area, spelling bee co-host bobbyblue and I will be running the Smithsonian's spelling bee on May 9th, 2006!

*My brother is a firefighter. He is likely to point out various practical difficulties with this plan.

you can see them live at the next Jenny Vaudeville Show

Tonight I attended the Dartmouth Alumni Club's annual holiday party, featuring a capella by the Dartmouth Cords, some of whom are legally underage.


They're so wholesome it's almost dirty. It would be like if I brought a squad of high school cheerleaders to a party. Mormon high school cheerleaders. Even if they just sat and drank glasses of milk, you would want to watch.

They did the Counting Crows' "Mr. Jones and Me," which made me smile. To hear this marvel of milk-drinking young men, go here.

banal, trite, pedestrian, mundane, prosaic

I have an inactive membership on an online personals site. I took down my profile sometime prior to meeting the cowboy, perhaps a year ago, but my information is still saved in the system and I occasionally receive emails from the company.

The one I received just now listed some "matches," based, undoubtedly, on various selections I once made regarding the age range, race, religion, etc. of men I might like to meet. I love how such websites allow one to select for "eye color" (whom do you know who considers eye color a dealbreaker?) but not, say, lack of inanity.

It is an unnecessarily limited use of modern computer science to electronically match me to someone whose first impulse at describing himself is "I consider my appearance to be very good looking. I am 5'8" tall with an athletic build."

You consider your appearance to be very good looking? Do you consider your intelligence to be very smart?

(Another problem with the online personals is that, in person, a hot enough guy could misuse the subjunctive all he wanted; I can be persuaded by aesthetics and pheromones. But no picture of a guy has the power to overcome poor diction).

food is sexy

I adore the fact that I have friends who reply to the text message "I wanna squish your knish" with "Yeah? I wanna be humpin' on your dumplin'!"

go ahead and chai me

Over the past two weeks, I've stopped drinking coffee. For the segment of my blog-reading audience comprised of ex-boyfriends, this will seem a near impossibility; in the past, I've stopped only to become morose and listless, after some period of which I would embark upon a Hajj to Starbucks, followed by bliss and relief, a revelry of neurons and spirits.

This time, I stopped drinking coffee when I had the flu, and then started reading this book about health and beauty, which suggested chai as an alternative that still has the caffeine (which is non-negotiable for me) but not all the nutrient-blocking nasty business of coffee. Also, that initial sip of coffee in the morning is revelatory, but there is a pretty sharp dropoff in pleasure after the first cup; not so with chai. I also enjoy the sort of ritualistic aspect of actually boiling a small pot of milk and tea together. It is tasty and spicy and caffeinated and full of antioxidants.

The only problem is that, when I am not at home, it is difficult to get a good cup of chai. Starbucks and most other coffee shops use a pre-mixed chai-like substance that is presweetened, which I find unacceptable (sugar is death! die, sugar, die!)

Oren's makes real chai, but they price it like latte -- a large is $4.10. There is an Indian takeout place in the West Village that has chai for $1.50 and is open all night, but I'm almost never in the West Village. Tonight in the East Village I stopped into this Indian place I always notice walking by because they have a breakfast menu (egg paratha!), which is unusual for an Indian restaurant, and I always wish I lived closer so I could go there during breakfast hours, and I asked if they made chai, and a nice man put a regular pot on a regular stove and boiled milk and spices, and strained it into a cup, just like a person would do at home, and all for $1. It's enough to make me want to move to 11th and 1st.

I've been inked!

I just had to share this with you! This is Molly Crabapple's illustration of herself and me, from the back of the book.


Look at her, being all wide-eyed and juicy.