future heartbreaker

Maddox Jolie-Pitt is already sticking his tongue out at the press! And, my god, I know he's not genetically related, but "Jolie-Pitt"? That's so money. I was trying to make a joke about this name being so oversexed that it's like a satire of sexiness, but I couldn't think of anyone sexier to mention in the joke. Banderas-Johannsen? A pale second place. Shit, a lot of Cambodians just want a visa so they can come here and work for minimum wage. Getting plucked out of an orphanage by Angelina Jolie, adopted by Brad Pitt, and gifted with a mohawk that actually works even though you're a toddler? This is as close as we have to a modern-day Cinderella story. In fifteen years, this kid will have a band, and the hotness of Maddox's frontman act will cause the universe to fold in on itself, ending all time and space in a moist, pulsating undulation of hotness.