the guilt aisle at the grocery store
I was looking for my Melitta #4 unbleached coffee filters on FreshDirect and, just as I was about to click "Buy," I saw this:
If You Care. Oh, by the way, if you care ... BUY THIS ONE, YOU SOCIAL-CONSCIOUSNESS-LACKING BITCH.
Are those not the most passive-aggressive coffee filters you've ever seen?
If You Care. Oh, by the way, if you care ... BUY THIS ONE, YOU SOCIAL-CONSCIOUSNESS-LACKING BITCH.
Are those not the most passive-aggressive coffee filters you've ever seen?
posted by JenIsFamous at 2/06/2006 03:38:00 PM
1 Comments:
One might think that If You Care is the brand name of a line of hygiene products, such as, say, a body wash purchased at Crabtree & Evelyn or Sephora after securing a home equity loan. I confess that I had never fully understood the need for body wash when we have. . .um. . .soap, but then I never understood why doing laundry needed to be like preparing Thanksgiving dinner, either, so what do I know. Laundry detergent, fabric softener, Woolite, static cling sheets. . .and then along came (pardon the pun) this stuff called OxiClean, which my ex informed me was designed to take out "protein stains". Protein stains? PROTEIN stains!? That's the euphemism?
"Lemme tell ya something," I explained to my (probably not surprisingly) former bride, "what with all the shit we have in our bathroom--your shampoo, conditioner, finishing rinse, finishing repeater, exfoliator, collagen elastin, body wash, soul wash. . .am I forgetting anything, love?--I can promise you that if I am planning on whipping up a little, uh, 'protein', I never need come out of the water closet. Y'know, I'm not quite sure what that scratchy oven mitt thingy is doing in our shower, but unless you're planning on using it while you baste a chicken in our bed, I think I'm cool as far as the 'protein stains' go."
"Glad to hear it, Mr. Man," she replied. "Now maybe if you could remember to give the Beldar Conehead doll--excuse me, 'action figure'--you've been scrimshawing with your ass a shave once in a while, if you take my meaning, we wouldn't need the body wash, either. I mean, if you care."
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