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May 9, 2006

The Buzz of the Vespine Mistress

I was riding in a car, staring out the window at something when I had the thought that "Honey" was a nice name, and a good stripper name, but hardly original, so I tried to think of something else to put it with when I thought "Honey Smacks ... why does that sound familiar?" and of course that's a cereal, one which -- as I recalled when (later, not in the car) I googled up an image -- is embellished with a frog. It is, one might say, a peculiarly ranine cereal. A cereal of or like a frog. Did I know the word "ranine" prior to beginning this blog post? Why, no. No, I did not. I looked it up. Here, for your enjoyment, are some additional Latin animal words:
anserine = goose
aquiline = eagle
asinine = donkey
bovine = cow
canine = dog
caprine = goat
corvine = crow
equine = horse
feline = cat
glirine = rodent
hircine = goat
leonine = lion
leporine = rabbit
lupine = wolf
murine = mouse
ovine = sheep
piscine = fish
porcine = pig
ranine = frog
serpentine = snake
ursine = bear
vespine = wasp
vulpine = fox
I want to begin a detective novel: She was a vespine woman, and her sting was deadly.

Or how about: Honey Smacks was employed in a nightclub in which, in accordance with what the suits now call "branding," one might expect her to affect a leporine image. But Honey was more of the vulpine variety, as likely to eat men alive as to nibble at lettuce. For her clients in this backwoods honkeytonk, she represented a substantial improvement over their bovine wives, and the ovine assignations they kept as clandestine ("clandestine" being medieval for "on the down low") as the bleating would allow.

14 Comments:

Anonymous Betty Valentine said...

I did not know the word ranine before reading your post. In fact, when it first appeared I wrongly had anticipated that you would be commenting on another ..ehrm... "feature" of the cereal and assumed that ranine was a synonym for yonic. Now I know that it is not and you were not at all saying what I thought you were saying.

(It is a rather yonic cereal, though).

6:11 PM  
Blogger Megalosaurus Rudezilla said...

I keep seeing noses complimentedwith the adjective aquiline. I never cared enough when I encountered it to go look it up, but now I have whole new perspective. Apprently, hawk-like noses are hot.

7:02 PM  
Anonymous Matt Penn said...

If while in Los Angeles you happened to have wondered what La Cienaga (as in the boulevard) means, it is "the swan"; taking its name from cygnus. So if someone tells you that you have a cygnine neck, Jen, take it as the compliment that it's meant to be and don't punch 'em. On the other hand, if some turkey tells you that you have a meleagrine neck, feel free to slug away!

Meleagrine is a funny word, isn't it? I think it would be a good name for some shit you could take to keep awake after eating a big Thanksgiving dinner.

8:27 PM  
Anonymous Matt Penn said...

Honey Smacks is a great name for a stripper, sure. But I also see her as a porn star who engages in some hot girl-on-girl action with Butter Pecan in a film entitled "Hooked on Yonics".

Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.

9:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"(It is a rather yonic cereal, though)". Does that mean Rice Krispies are phallic? Yikes!

10:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

HAHAHAHA! Hooked on Yonics is a great porno title starring someone named Honey Smacks!

11:16 AM  
Anonymous Zombie Blah Blah said...

I've always thought that Froot Loops would be a good porn star name.

I wonder why they use animals to sell kids cereal? I can understand that frogs are fairly cute creatures and kids love that shit. I've seen lions, tigers, monkeys and even the humble bumble bee as cereal promoters. When they run out of ideas, they can start using porn stars and strippers instead.

12:26 PM  
Blogger Megalosaurus Rudezilla said...

I think the phallic-est cereal around is Fiber One. Check it out: http://www.aimeesadventures.com/images/recipe%20pics/ds58.gif

3:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Rice Krispies are phallic only if you're the kind of guy who could fuck a Cheerio without breaking it!

5:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fuck Tony the Tiger--Jenna Jameson could make me frost those flakes myself!

8:40 PM  
Blogger Savvy1007 said...

Froot Loops could be the name of a serial killer... and that paragraph beginning with Honey Smacks would make a killer start of a book...

5:20 AM  
Anonymous Matt Penn said...

Sing me up for the replacement of all the stupid cartoon characters with porn stars and strippers, brothers! Hey, I'm the guy who suggested that if the airlines really wanted to keep from going bankrupt, they should introduce lapdancing in Business Class. Why not? You have a captive audience of men getting drunk already. And what red-blooded male doesn't appreciate having some hot flight attendant put a little luft in his hansa, if you take my meaning? Right?

So Mikey likes it, huh? Gee, there's a surprise. No shit, Sherlock! Mikey likes it. Matty likes it. Millions of our brethren, who would instantly forsake the bad habit of just grabbing a donut and coffee on the way to the office, would like it too. Sure. Ya gotta admit that there's something a little naughty about imagining that those two buxom twenty-something lesbians (who would doubtless replace a geriatric married couple on a box of kashi) are a little more than just, um, Good Friends. And "Open Wide for Maypo" certainly takes on a whole new meaning when it's Lexington Steele spoonin' ya, huh? Special K? No thanks, Marge. I got a box of this here Double D. I have no idea whether it's part of a heart-healthy diet, but I'm sure I don't care if it ain't.

Frosting one's own flakes, indeed--strippers and porn stars on the box is sure to put some snap-crackle-pop into this old boy's morning. Good call, Zombie!

4:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Marty the butcher of course had a "borgnine" face.

10:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Froot Loops could be the name of a serial killer. . .

Or a killer cereal, Savvy!

4:40 PM  

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