Shape magazine wants us to get gym-raped
I scanned this page from Shape magazine. Shape magazine recommends that, in order to strengthen our inner thighs, we perform this exercise at the gym:
Lie flat on your back with your legs in the air! Now ... spread them in a V! WHILE YOUR ANKLES ARE TIED TO WEIGHTED CABLES.
A close-up:
Note that the default position in this exercise -- that is, the position in which you begin and the one you'd be stuck in if your muscles gave out -- is "on your back with your legs held wide open by weights."
Hope you're flexible enough to be able to unshackle your own ankles from that position! Or else someone might have to "help" you.* While getting raped at the gym, remember to contract your abs to really "feel the burn"!
I am gratified to live in an enlightened society that no longer believes that "She was asking for it by the way she was dressed" is a valid excuse for rape.
However, I don't know that
we're so enlightened that
some judges wouldn't go for:
"She was asking for it by the way
she was lying on her back with her
legs in the air, rhythmically flexing
and spreading her thighs."
*Hmmn, I wonder how many calories "getting raped" burns!
Lie flat on your back with your legs in the air! Now ... spread them in a V! WHILE YOUR ANKLES ARE TIED TO WEIGHTED CABLES.
A close-up:
Note that the default position in this exercise -- that is, the position in which you begin and the one you'd be stuck in if your muscles gave out -- is "on your back with your legs held wide open by weights."
Hope you're flexible enough to be able to unshackle your own ankles from that position! Or else someone might have to "help" you.* While getting raped at the gym, remember to contract your abs to really "feel the burn"!
I am gratified to live in an enlightened society that no longer believes that "She was asking for it by the way she was dressed" is a valid excuse for rape.
we're so enlightened that
some judges wouldn't go for:
"She was asking for it by the way
she was lying on her back with her
legs in the air, rhythmically flexing
and spreading her thighs."
*Hmmn, I wonder how many calories "getting raped" burns!
posted by JenIsFamous at 6/29/2006 05:49:00 PM
6 Comments:
Of course I agree with you, Jen, that none of this is the least bit funny. But the truth is, the woman depicted exercising in those pictures would not be in anything we might consider a "compromising position", if EVERYONE, male and female alike, just kept one simple rule in mind: Strangers exercising next to you in a gym should at all times be treated like your boss taking a dump in an adjacent stall. You may wonder what the fuck is up with that shit. All the grunting and groaning, the exposed flesh, the sweat and the smells and the thought of micturating bodily fluids, may be unnerving. You may yearn for them to start a fire. Or you may just have something clever to say.
But under no circumstances should you say or do a goddamn thing. Ignore it. Go about your business; let them go about theirs. When you're done, avoid making eye contact, wash up, and move on.
You are so funny peasant girl.
How the hell did you come up with gym rape??! You had me in stitches.
I'm think 'Demon Seed' meets Chuck Norris.
While seeing the advantage of having strong inner thighs to crush your lover, I see no other practical function.
In a Jean Claude Van Dam movie, 'Kickboxer', he uses a similar device to stretch his inner thigh muscles to allow him to do high kicks. The same movie which made the line, 'you keeled my bruthher, and now I wiel keel you.' famous.
A story about two lesbians in a gym:
Once upon a time, two lesbians went to a gym. It was there first day.
Martha and Anne were so excited when they saw the new gym machine. It was the new Bofux extender. Martha strapped Anne into the machine, carefully applying the nipple clamps and oiling her.
'I'm kinda nervous..' stammered Anne.
'Don't worry Anne, you're in safe hands.' replied Martha reassuringly.
The machine groaned as Martha operated the lever. The pistons hissed as Anne's legs were scissored up and down.
'Oh god!' screamed Anne, 'It feels so fucking good!!'
Martha smiled and began to operate the lever faster, pumping the hydraulics back and forth.
Anne was breathing heavily and moaning five minutes later. Globules of sweat formed on the top of Martha's bra.
Pump, pump, pump.
Anne quivered on the final repetition of the set.
'Let's go home and have sex...' said Martha.
You just better make sure your spotter isn't mad at you that day. And If you have rug burns from fucking her boy friend that weekend, be sure to hide them. Talk the whole time about shoping and crap.
I can relate. I went to the gym with my buddy and this one brunette almost drove me crazy. Whatever machine I was using she managed to use one directly opposite from me and only seemed to be doing exercises which accentuated her breasts (she was stacked)and ass. All she was wearing was a sportsbra and super tight, practically see through pink shorts. At one point while I was working my chest she looked directly at me and started doing those kegel exercises (rapidly opening her legs and contracting her thighs) She had a friend with her and it's not like I'm Mr. Universe so I really don't think she was flirting. Also since I was new to that gym I didn't want to approach her and get a rep as some leering asshole who gets a hard-on for any chick nearby. I honestly have to say though, if that place wasn't packed with people and we were alone I don't know if I would've been able to control myself.
Totally hilarious post. I personally love Shape as a source of fiction and entertainment.
Perhaps Shapes market research has shown that nobody actually does any of the exercises in this magazine ever... Their crack squad has probably deduced that the closest people get to actually doing one of these workouts is leafing through the 'best everything in 20 minutes a day' section in the airport hoping to improve their thighs by osmosis of the ridiculously skinny photo-shopped pictures of models that Shape is so fond of. Not that I'm bitter or anything...
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