the story of the yogurt meat thermometer
More often than not, I wake up in the morning and have some yogurt. The plain kind, from the large tub, accompanied by some kind of fresh berries, and some ground flaxseeds. Omega fatty acids and whatnot. And blueberries are an anti-inflammatory. And yogurt's good for your esopha-spleen.
Right now, I don't have any yogurt, which means tomorrow's breakfast will be different and sad.
Why don't I have any yogurt? Because I have:
I admit: when I bought the yogurt maker, I was under the mistaken impression that yogurt was made entirely of bacteria, and that putting a small amount of yogurt in a yogurt maker could cause the bacteria to multiply, thus producing more yogurt. So simple! Like in a petri dish ... an EDIBLE petri dish!
Actually, yogurt is only part bacteria, and mostly milk. This milk must be boiled, cooled to within 108 and 112 degrees, mixed with starter and oh, I forgot, dry milk powder, and then poured into the yogurt maker, which I now suspect is basically just a crockpot.
Look, if I buy a bread maker, I expect to just throw a bunch of junk in there and come back later and have some bread. If you then tell me I have to MIX the bread dough and KNEAD IT and PUT A DAMP TOWEL OVER IT and come back later and KNEAD IT AGAIN before putting it in the machine, well, at that point, that's not a bread maker, it's an Easy-Bake Oven.
Nice of the Amazon page to not tell me that a thermometer (or the boiling, or even the milk itself) would be necessary, and was also not included. So I went and bought a thermometer. Some meat thermometers don't even get started until 130 degrees. I found one with a dial that went down to 100, and another that was digital, only a few dollars more, would presumably tell me ANY temperature, and -- should I make it perform double-duty -- would probably be more comfortable in a baby's ass.
However, "digital" means "takes batteries,"
and I just don't ever want to be
the kind of person who says
"I have to buy a new watch battery
for my meat thermometer."*
Screw you, yogurt machine!
Dear blog readers, I might make yogurt on Tuesday. I'll let you know how it turns out.
* Idea for gay porno: "How's my ... Thanksgiving turkey? Are you ... hot enough? Let's make sure with my MEAT THERMOMETER.... It's digital!"
Right now, I don't have any yogurt, which means tomorrow's breakfast will be different and sad.
Why don't I have any yogurt? Because I have:
- a yogurt-making machine
- a box of Yogourmet yogurt starter
- a liter of whole milk
- a meat thermometer I purchased solely for the purpose of determining whether the milk which I will be boiling in a separate pan and then allowing to cool has in fact, cooled to between 108 and 112 degrees.
I admit: when I bought the yogurt maker, I was under the mistaken impression that yogurt was made entirely of bacteria, and that putting a small amount of yogurt in a yogurt maker could cause the bacteria to multiply, thus producing more yogurt. So simple! Like in a petri dish ... an EDIBLE petri dish!
Actually, yogurt is only part bacteria, and mostly milk. This milk must be boiled, cooled to within 108 and 112 degrees, mixed with starter and oh, I forgot, dry milk powder, and then poured into the yogurt maker, which I now suspect is basically just a crockpot.
Look, if I buy a bread maker, I expect to just throw a bunch of junk in there and come back later and have some bread. If you then tell me I have to MIX the bread dough and KNEAD IT and PUT A DAMP TOWEL OVER IT and come back later and KNEAD IT AGAIN before putting it in the machine, well, at that point, that's not a bread maker, it's an Easy-Bake Oven.
Nice of the Amazon page to not tell me that a thermometer (or the boiling, or even the milk itself) would be necessary, and was also not included. So I went and bought a thermometer. Some meat thermometers don't even get started until 130 degrees. I found one with a dial that went down to 100, and another that was digital, only a few dollars more, would presumably tell me ANY temperature, and -- should I make it perform double-duty -- would probably be more comfortable in a baby's ass.and I just don't ever want to be
the kind of person who says
"I have to buy a new watch battery
for my meat thermometer."*
Dear blog readers, I might make yogurt on Tuesday. I'll let you know how it turns out.
* Idea for gay porno: "How's my ... Thanksgiving turkey? Are you ... hot enough? Let's make sure with my MEAT THERMOMETER.... It's digital!"
posted by JenIsFamous at 6/26/2006 12:48:00 AM
5 Comments:
I am impressed. The yogurts at the store are waaaaaaaaaay too sugary, so right on for making your own. Sounds difficult though. Perservere for the sake of health and for taking a stand against the Dannon sugar factories of the world.
Lisa
The thing about a yogurt maker is that by the time you actually make any fucking yogurt with it, you're so goddamn old and toothless it's the only thing you CAN eat! It's like those primitive juice makers. My attitude was always like, "If you spend sixty bucks on a juice maker that produces a thimble-full of ACTUAL GODDAMN JUICE, you are getting what you deserve."
Not everything in life has to be do-it-yourself. And a lot of what you do yourself is NOT in fact better than something that has been processed for years by a company that knows what the fuck it's doing. I say that if you make it a habit to eat plain yogurt and flaxseeds for breakfast--rather than, say, an Eggo waffle, a bowl of Count Chocula, or a donut--you're ahead of the game. Leave well enough alone.
That's what I do when it's time for breakfast. I just accept it as a given that John Daniel was a more experienced distiller than I could ever be. I raise my glass to him, ask the bartender to call me a cab, and go home.
Done.
I understand your desire to manufacture yogurt--living uptown and all, but, the short answer is www.knishery.com. That said, yogurt is really one of those substances that defies machinery, doesn't it? Every culture (yes, pun) has one. My grandmother once brought back a spoonful or two from the old country--in this case, Finland. And we boiled the milk, cooled the milk--I don't know--no thermometer; put the bowl up in a dark, warm cabinet, and voila (I don't know Finnish for holy shit!) filbunke! (which is actually Swedish--she got the stuff on the island of Aland) Finnish? Swedish? 108 degrees? Who knows? Anyway we kept that sucker going for about six months until somebody finished it off and now we'd have to fly to Stockholm for more. Or, try Yonah Schimmel.
[i]* Idea for gay porno: "How's my ... Thanksgiving turkey? Are you ... hot enough? Let's make sure with my MEAT THERMOMETER.... It's digital!"[/i]
hahaha, then afterwards they can go and make some yoghurt with their built in yoghurt makers...
it could possibly double as a baby making thermometer to check the temperature to make sure its the right time to procreate... don't know though if one would want to stick it back into food items after using it for that purpose...
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