spanx me

I purchased this pencil skirt because, well, if Spanx is good enough for Gwyneth Paltrow, it's good enough for me. Actually, I wanted a pencil skirt, googled "pencil skirt," ended up here, and thought, well, I don't normally order items advertised as "slimming," but what can it hurt? We all know you can never be too rich, too thin, or own too many tiny, exotic pets.

Do not purchase this item!
It turns out "slimming" means "wrapped so tight in spandex that you can't move your knees far apart enough to walk."

While some people might be into that for other reasons, I don't think trussing a woman to the point of immobility is "slimming."

Full-body latex does wonders for body and head fat!
I am returning that motherfucker to the sausage-casing factory whence it came. Gwyneth, it must be hard to be a celebrity. Have a muffin. Relax.