East Side Story
This evening, I got back from the gym, with newly-reinforced good posture and a general feeling of virtue and vigor, and went to plug my phone in to recharge for the night...
...when my phone informed me that I had a spot to do at New York Comedy Club. I was sweaty. I threw on a wifebeater and heels, pushed open the door to my building...
...and got in an insult-fight with a girl who'd been sitting on my stoop and was upset at having been bumped in the ass by the door.
Now, this is a heavy front door with a window, but the window is up too high to see a person who is sitting down low, with his or her back and ass up against the door. There is no way I could have seen her before opening the door. Something like this went down:
I jetted to NYCC, did my set with about a hundred more uses of "fuck" than usual -- in part due to the adrenaline rush from thinking about kicking that girl's ass and hoping she's pregnant with a gang member's baby, and in part due to the club's general ambiance -- and came home to find that girl and her boyfriend still on the street.
Now I'm going to get stabbed on the way home from my next set. Nice.
*The building has only four aparments. Two are empty (one under construction, one being converted into an office). The other is occupied by a nice middle-aged jazz reviewer who, I'm sure, is unrelated to Bitch Probably Got a Knife.
...when my phone informed me that I had a spot to do at New York Comedy Club. I was sweaty. I threw on a wifebeater and heels, pushed open the door to my building...
...and got in an insult-fight with a girl who'd been sitting on my stoop and was upset at having been bumped in the ass by the door.
Now, this is a heavy front door with a window, but the window is up too high to see a person who is sitting down low, with his or her back and ass up against the door. There is no way I could have seen her before opening the door. Something like this went down:
Bitch Probably Got a Knife: Yo, what the hell, you pushing open the door like that, you shoulda--Bitch Probably Got a Knife followed me for a block before deciding not to stab me.
Jen: --You really shouldn't be sitting on someone else's stoop in the first place.
Bitch Probably Got a Knife: I LIVE here.
Jen: No, you don't.
Bitch Probably Got a Knife: What, you know everybody in the building?
Jen: Yes. They're my neighbors.*
Bitch Probably Got a Knife: Well, one of them's my FAMILY.
Jen: Mmn-hmmn.
Bitch Probably Got a Knife: You got a problem, bitch? Fuck you and your fucking fuck fuck fuck blah blah fuck you blah I like sitting on the stoop like a bitch who does not have a show to get to blah blah fucking fuck you fuck.
Jen: You look unemployed.
I jetted to NYCC, did my set with about a hundred more uses of "fuck" than usual -- in part due to the adrenaline rush from thinking about kicking that girl's ass and hoping she's pregnant with a gang member's baby, and in part due to the club's general ambiance -- and came home to find that girl and her boyfriend still on the street.
Now I'm going to get stabbed on the way home from my next set. Nice.
*The building has only four aparments. Two are empty (one under construction, one being converted into an office). The other is occupied by a nice middle-aged jazz reviewer who, I'm sure, is unrelated to Bitch Probably Got a Knife.
posted by JenIsFamous at 8/16/2006 12:12:00 AM
26 Comments:
Blimey O'Riley!!
Damn, I found that a riveting read, but damn, I also fear for you now.
I would follow the adage, 'kill or be killed'.
omg...too funny!
you gotta watch yourself...lots of crazies out there. this is why i carry pepper spray in my purse--times like this!
What exactly lead you to believe that "Bitch Probably Got a Knife?" Was it the color of her skin? Is that also the reason that she'd be probably was "pregnant w/ a gangmembers baby?"
That is a valid question, Anonymous, and one which I will answer.
Mostly, I "believe" that "bitch probably got a knife" because calling attention to the threatening nature of the incident makes it more interesting on my blog. And also because, of course, I think saying "bitch probably got a knife" is funny.
However, the woman's extremely contentious manner might also be indicative (as much as anything is) of carrying a weapon.
I have absolutely no reason to think she was pregnant with a gang member's baby, which is why I used the verb "hope." If I'm going to get in a (theoretical) physical fight, we might as well make it as incendiary as possible.
For the record, she was a light-skinned person, perhaps Hispanic, although I'm not sure.
Jen
She was also (not that I'm sure what difference it makes) rather young and pretty.
Hey I did find it hilarious that you called her 'Bitch probably got a knife'.
I have nothing against the Gonzo style of journalism!
You should start carrying a pike. That way, the next time BPGAK gets hit in the ass because she's sitting in front of your door, you can skewer her to the stoop, and she won't be able to follow you until the fire department comes and frees her, at which time you will be far, far away. And by the time you get back, she'll be at the hospital!
anonymous is right..and you didn't answer his/her question..
"the woman's extremely contentious manner"
please. if this was a prissy little UES jappy princess saying THE EXACT SAME WORDS as your BPGAK, your post/complaint would have had a completely different tone. there certainly wouldnt have been any references to gang members or their babies.
makes me sick. no wonder this city (or at least manhattan) is pushing out all the diversity that makes it great.
Who cares what the race, ethnicity or nationality of "Bitch Probably Got a Knife" actually is. What you wanted to know Anonymous but were not brave to ask or subtle in implying was if the girl was black or obviously Puerto Rican.
It doesn't matter, the girl was sitting on a stoop of a building she doesn't live in. If the heifer had any class or brains she would have kept her mouth shut. I'm pretty sure Jen would have apologized for accidentally hitting her on the butt.
*Sorry for the preachiness*
Not going to publish my comment? Obviously...why do I even bother?
I hope you enjoy your fantasy world.
I have to be HOME in order to publish the comments, folks.
If it had been a "prissy little UES jappy princess" ("JAP princess" is redundant, by the way, like "ATM machine"), I would have laughed, forever and ever, down the streets of Yorktown.
J
Thanks, Robert Rodriguez!
And if anyone knows how I can do nothing but blog for a living, such that I can stay home all day and night and moderate comments and offend people, please let me know! I want that gig.
I think that their are alot of unfair comments in this thread. I thought that the post was hilarious, I actually laughed out loudly when I read it.
If you don't like the content, then you can go somewhere else.
Free speech is also what makes a city great.
Jen, don't change your writing style just because a few people are offended. Keep doing what you do, that's what you do best.
Hey Mike, so you're pissed because you think the original post is racist, and then you lob in a gratuitous swipe at Jews to make your point? Fuck you.
Pumpkin,
Sorry to see you got Gawkered in the negative sense. The publicity is deserved but it can suck. It happened to me a couple of weeks ago and my shit-storm was a full 30 comments long and featured cameos by ex-best-friends who said they were ashamed of what I've become, etc. Also the person I wrote about dropped in. Quelle drama. Anyway, I wanted to say I feel your pain, I'm sorry you got trash-talked by new readers who don't know you're not a KKK member, and, wait, there was something else. I don't know what it was. But, kisses. Fight the good fight. Unless they have knives, in which case--run!
XO
Emily
I would say that it should go without saying, but apparently it bears pointing out by saying that:
1) The word "bitch" is neither a racial nor an ethnic epithet.
2) Knives are not weapons wielded only by persons of particular races or ethnic backgrounds.
3) There is no law that gangbangers must impregnate only women of a particular race or ethnic background; even were there such a law, gangbangers are not exactly known for being the most law-abiding of fellows.
4) Diversity? Oh, sure. I love diversity. A society that made no attempt to glorify diversity for its own sake--instead choosing to laud estimable human beings for the content of their characters-- would, after all, have no use for the ineffectual United Nations. And I, for one, am so delighted that UN scofflaws live among me, parking illegally and fucking children wherever they please with impunity. These worthless dregs manage to stop sitting on their hands only long enough to flip off motorists and thumb their noses at the laws by which the rest of the civilized world must abide.
5. (Unless, of course, they are accepting baksheesh under the table in a corrupt "oil for food" shell game, signing a joint resolution condemning a sovereign member-nation like Israel simply for doing something radical like existing, or wiping their asses with an American flag. But that's really neither here nor there.)
6) Um. . .A "JAP" is necessarily a Jewish woman. As such, calling someone "jappy" involves uttering an ethnic slur.
7) What's the significant difference between Jen and Mike? Here's a hint: One is famous and not a racist. The other is an idiot.
Did you say there's an open apartment in your building?? how much? how big? can you guarantee that Bitch Probably Got a Knife will be on the stoop when I move in?
[i]7) What's the significant difference between Jen and Mike? Here's a hint: One is famous and not a racist. The other is an idiot.[/i]
Haha, LMAOROFLMAO!
[i]'hoping she's pregnant with a gang member's baby'[/i]
Do you really hope that stupid people will make more copies of themselves?
HEHE.
BTW, lots of peasants and scumbags seem to read your blog.
I for one, when I read your description of BPGK, imagined cheap white trash sitting on the stoop. So I guess, people bring their own bias when they read these things.
Forget the pepper spray, a little Mace goes a LOOOOOONNNNNGG way.
Look here Here
I hate everyone who sits on my stoop with equal vehemenence, regardless of race, creed, or color. Calling someone "Bitch Probably Got a Knife" is funny, step off you politically correct wankers.
Jen - hot bitch - needs a knife
Jen get a gat - shoot the baby before its born to knife you
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