the Jenisfamous seal of approval
I had a great time doing the show here in Scottsburg, Indiana. The man at the front desk looked at me like I was crazy when I asked if there was any place to work out, but the hotel does have free wireless, and one out of two is fine by me. The audience (despite one man who crowded me after the show to explain what a redneck he considers himself to be) was amiable and fun, and I gave a bunch of them buttons afterwards. A few people gave me a quizzical look -- is it okay for a man to wear a pink button? -- and then put them on.I spoke at length with one Mr. Mike Everhart, the father of the bar's owner, who -- in relation to a heckler's bizarre comment about celery -- told me he had worked for many years in a vegetable soup factory, and that you can't believe the smell of 44,000 lbs of celery coming out of a truck. "Was the celery spoiled?" I asked, figuring that perhaps sub-optimal celery went into soup. He assured me it was perfectly fresh, but that, nevertheless, the smell of 22 tons of celery is enough to make a grown man sick.
Repulsive!
posted by JenIsFamous at 8/24/2006 11:07:00 PM
1 Comments:
Dear Answer Man,
Following my divorce from a particularly overbearing turnip several months ago, at last I have mustard--sorry!--the temerity to begin dating again. My former spouse was a harridan who ran off with a wealthy vidalia onion--her parting shot being, "Oh yeah? Well, HE'S sweet. And YOU stink!"--but my new SO is a wonderful carrot who is tall, tan, lovely as the girl from Ipanema, and possessed of a healthy orange glow and an intoxicating smile. Her hair is a natural jade, and I am completely smitten.
Great, right? Well, not exactly. That's why I'm writing you. You see, loathe as I am to acknowledge it, I have to admit that the bitch did have a point. I DO stink. Horribly, in fact. Mind you, I am not particularly athletic; nor is my job as celery especially physically exerting. Still, I am forced to car pool to work each morning with thousands of other stalks, and at the end of a long day on my feet. . .well. . .let's just say that my puppies ain't the only thing barking. But what can I do? In the first place, my ex really took me to the cleaner. Plus, my mom has a rare form of aphid and--surprise!--the insurance company is refusing to cover her treatments because they claim it's a pre-existing condition. I NEED this job, and quitting the carpool is simply out of the question.
Answer Man, I have tried everything to hide my shame; all to no avail. So far, I have been lucky enough to get away with planning all my dates with Carrie so as to coincide with a crop dusting. But the forecast for this weekend calls for rain, and I fear she's going to notice and say something. Oh, what shall I do?
HELP!
Sincerely,
Cel-ibate
The Answer Man responds...
Dear Cel,
You may be celibate (for now!), but that is no reason why you need make your beloved "cel-irate". Leave it to your Answer Man to provide the perfect home remedy--tomato juice! Just as the active ingredients in the juice of that most wonderful fruit can mask the stench caused by a skunk spraying, so too can the tomato mask even the fiercest of celery BO. Here's what you do:
Take an ice bath consisting of a mixture of two parts tomato juice to one part imported vodka. For best results, add some cracked black pepper, a pinch of horseradish, and a dash of Worcestshire. You may also substitute either V8 vegetable cocktail or Clamato for the tomato juice.
But here's the best part: When you are done with your bath, don't drain it! What to you may prove nothing more than a palliative for pungent celery odor (what the French euphemistically refer to as "l'odeur du celeri"), is to many gourmands--this columnist among them--an intoxicating potable that compliments just about any brunch entree save waffles.
Good luck!
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