snakes on a plane, yes. liquids, no.

I am in the Jetblue terminal at JFK right now. Free WiFi, oui. Yuppie/healthy snack food everywhere, oui. Everything else, mais non!

I had a shuttle service coming at 4:30 this morning. 4:30 comes, and I soon confirm my suspicion that I am physically incapable of lugging my brand-new, Brobdingnagian suitcase (purchased yesterday when I realized I had never had to pack for a three-week trip before) down five flights of stairs.

I explain my predicament on the phone to the driver, who is unsympathetic. I long for the days in which men felt compelled to help tiny women with their unwieldy luggage.

This lady can't even carry her own groceries
without losing her panties.
Finally, my roommate, who keeps unusual hours, helps me carry the suitcase downstairs, by which time the shuttle has left. I call the company, channeling my best Bitch Probably Got a Knife. I take a cab.

At the airport, I wait in line with my huge suitcase. While checking in, I discover why I couldn't carry the damn thing -- it weighs 76 pounds! "That'll be a fifty dollar oversize fee," says the lady.

"What's the limit?" I ask.

"Seventy. Your bag is six pounds overweight."

I've been there, I think sympathetically, towards the suitcase.

"So if I take out six pounds, I don't have to pay fifty bucks?"

"Right."

So I dive into the suitcase and remove the most compactly heavy items I can find, resulting in my going through security with a plastic container of protein powder (which I really do not plan to use on board), and lots of Jenisfamous buttons and postcards, as though I were planning to, say, hand them out to fellow passengers.

I surrendered a bottle of water before going through security, but my purse still got flagged by the guy doing the scanning, and I had to move to another area while the purse was searched. I didn't mind losing my brand-new bottle of hand sanitizer, but...

I really, really liked my adorable bottle of jasmine-vanilla scented lotion. Without it, I will shrivel and crack! Look, I drink about a GALLON of water an hour, and I moisturize about EVERY THIRTY MINUTES. I am, now that I think about it, a VERY MOIST PERSON. You terrorists from ARID CLIMATES ought to be familiar with the need for water and moisturizer. Do you want to make us all AS DRY AS THE GAZA STRIP?

Gaza needs some Dove.


p.s. "Lingus Air" sounds so freaking dirty.