discussion topic
Here are some jokes (or sometimes just strings of clauses) I am really tired of hearing from comedians:
- Turn off your beepers and cell phones. Wait, if you still have a beeper, go back to 1987!
- No one pronounces my name right! (No one gives a shit! The only person I've ever heard be truly funny on this one is Mike Birbiglia).
- I look just like the love child of so-and-so and so-and-so! (Usually, no, actually, you really don't. Also: imagining two men having a baby together isn't actually that funny).
posted by JenIsFamous at 12/15/2006 09:57:00 AM
8 Comments:
"The more you drink, the funnier this gets" or, even worse, "If you're not drinking, you're not going to have a lot of fun tonight."
A sad story followed by "But I don't care because I just saved 15% on my car insurance."-- this isn't a joke, it's paraphrasing a television commercial that's already trying to be THE SAME JOKE.
The whole "side effects are worse than the illness" thing regarding the drug ads on television. That's beat.
You're right about the beeper thing, but Tina Fey's beeper salesman boyfriend on 30 Rock yeilded a string of hilarious one-liners.
IS THIS THING ON?
a monologue in three minutes
(C) 2006, by Matthew R. Penn
INT. THE CHUCKLE HUT - NIGHT
LAME COMIC
How's everyone doing tonight? Good? Yeah? Well, I wish I could say the same. I'm single. (There's a surprise. Am I right?) And it's the holidays. She dumped me right before the holidays, ladies and gentlemen. Via E-MAIL! It was like, "[AOL ding] You have issues!" Yeah. So that kinda sucks. On the other hand, I just saved 15% on my car insurance by switching to Geico. . .
So, um, what can I tell ya here, folks? Let me check my index card. . .
Y'know, I would say that there are a lot of really overused and therefore annoying lines comics all seem to use--Have you noticed that? Am I right?--but off the top of my head, uh, none seem to come to mind. Heh heh. But not to worry, because I'll be here all week.
(Thank you. I'll be here all week.)
Anyway, I was trying to think of some of those annoying sayings while driving here in the shitbox I call my car--the Chrysler Le Petomane--but I couldn't really concentrate because I was so incensed about the fact that there's no toll to leave New York City, but there is to enter. Have you noticed that? Am I right?
As I said, I was driving here this evening from my postage stamp-sized apartment in New Jersey--right near the Vince Lombardi rest stop, for those of you playing along at home--and thinking about how I can't wait until they name one of the rest stops in Jersey after former governor McGreevey--trying to think of some of the really overused and therefore annoying sayings that comics use over and over, but nothing was coming to mind. What can I say, folks? This is my brain on drugs.
Sue me.
I figured that maybe I should grab a cup of coffee at the 7/11 to clear my head. (I would have gone to Starbucks, but I only wanted a SMALL, COFFEE-FLAVORED coffee, y'know? I mean, what's up with coffee bars, anyway? Have you noticed that you can't ever seem to get COFFEE-FLAVORED coffee any more? Am I right?) Mohammad at the counter stopped planning the intifada over his cell phone just long enough to inform me that--I don't mean to digress but, why do these Islamic dudes all call us, "My friend", anyway? Have you noticed that? Am I right?--there was no more coffee, so I grabbed a Big Gulp--or, as they say at Le Starbucks, the, um, VENTI, as in VENTI. . .OOOOOOOOOOOH. . .I can speak Italian. Fuhgedaboudit!--and some potato chips made by, I dunno, the frickin' Monopoly guy's younger brother or some shit, that comes in a can that should hold tennis balls so that they never break because we're not all fat enough, and. . .
Oh, is my time up? Well, I'll just leave you with an impression then, before I go. This is my impression of every tongue that's ever. . .
Hey, you guys have been great. Don't forget to tip your waitresses because these gals work hard for ya.
Safe home!
FADE TO BLACK
That guy would never say intifada.
-How about a moratorium on anything Ricky Ricardo related, as he's become the Stepin Fetchit of the Hispanic world?
-"I asked her if she wanted to go see the ball drop on New Year's Eve and she said..."
-The comedians who do the "did you ever notice" shtick always have a slight sheen of flop sweat, no matter how funny or successful they are. It's as though their body knows that when all is said and done they actually suck.
-It is not funny for a female to be called a bitch, beyatch, or any other variation of the female canine nomenclature. Unless you're talking about Nancy Grace. (Who's been a punch line for 14 minutes...)
-Can convenience stores be mined for any more humor? Like the one in Rome, VII/XI? I think not.
-It's funny because it's true? A phrase as over as geriatric yuckster Robert Klein's "I can't stop my leg."
-For the love of God, just stop it! Or, as Caroline McWacky would say, "Oh, the humanity!"
1. Computers are really not funny material for comediens to begin with. Did I notice that there is always an Indian guy who answers the phone when my computer crashes? Yes. Don't I think it's annoying as shit? Yes. Don't I wish they would only hire people who speak English without an accent so I could understand them better when I need my computer fixed? Yes. Don't I think that shouting at the Indian guys WWW.SPEAKENGLISHMOTHERFUCKER.COM is funny? No. That wouldn't be funny to me even if the comedien was Sam Kinnison who I think was funny when he was alive.
2. This isn't about computers really, but I also think the whole thing about pressing 1 if you want this kind of phone sex and 2 if you want that kind is really lame. I don't have a problem with jokes about sex but i don't see why that is funny.
Does anyone agree with me?
I agree with you, Wanda!
And speaking of computers, how about adding anything whose punchline is a variation on that "Dude, you're getting a Dell!" ad to the ash heap of done-to-death humor. I never thought that kid was funny even in the original ad, because unlike the Dell ad execs I don't think send-ups of people who are stoned and stupid are inherently funny. (And I don't appreciate being made fun of, okay?) But if the point is that Dell is a great computer, wouldn't a better ad campaign have been someone like Einstein (who is associated with being smart) or Jenna Jameson (who is associated with owning a computer) nodding appreciatively?
Yeah, yeah. Of course I GET it. YOU'RE getting a Dell. Jeff Spicoli here is getting--I dunno--a cold sore. Sorry, but that's just not funny.
Hello world! I'm from Latvia, I now have a computer and Internet! It's so interesting here! But on some forums I see strange posts, they offer to buy some pills or something and they look very stupid. It is robots posting? I thought moderators should delete such posts. Maybe somebody will explain me what's going on? But at all it is very interesting to speak to all you people!
Kisses! :)
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