Saturday, February 11th: Molly Crabapple's Tarts and Flowers Show

click for official web invite
Not only will I be at Miss Molly Crabapple's art show on February 11th, I will be there in an official capacity, as a "cigarette girl" selling merchandise. Here is what happened last time Molly had an art show and demanded that I serve as merch girl:


Molly, me, go-go dancer Lady J


Why is Molly grabbing my chest? We don't even remember.
Go to MollyCrabapple.com

dominatrix cleared of murder; ex-boyfriend forced to decline flogging

From CNN.com, link via Gawker:

During his closing argument to the jury, prosecutor Robert Nelson put on a black leather mask with a zippered mouth opening and re-enacted the bondage session.

With both hands, he reached back and clutched the top of a blackboard as if strapped to the rack. Then he hung his head as if dead.

Asher's lawyer objected, and the judge agreed.

"That's enough Mr. Nelson," Judge Charles Grabau said. "Thank you for your demonstration."

Who knew? Jurisprudence is kinky.

Somewhat relatedly, about eight months ago, my then-boyfriend went over to a friend's apartment to fix her electrical wiring. She was stuck in the dark, broke, and had some kind of situation in which getting help from the landlord or super was not an option. I was certainly not opposed to the boyfriend helping out -- the problem was that the friend, though broke, was a professional dominatrix, and offered him a flogging as barter for the repairs.

Now, the demands of monogamy aside, I find it interesting, economically speaking, that a flogging can have such a high cash value, yet be so far from a universal currency; it is not a miscible good. For instance, if you ran a home pie-baking or jewelry-making or French-language-lesson business, and you needed a cat-sitter, I'd say you'd run a pretty good chance of finding a cat-sitter willing to trade for pies or jewelry or French lessons. But if what you have to offer is a (fully professional) half-hour of electro-torture or ball-kicking -- although the cash value of those services is higher than that of the pies, jewelry or French lessons -- I'm not sure your search for a cat-sitter would go as well for you (or for the cat).

Update: In the comments, "B" left the following remark regarding CNN's headline "Dominatrix beats manslaughter rap":

Just add a comma, and it becomes a title for one of the best Hardcore Rap/S&M Club crossover albums, Dominatrix Beats, Manslaughter Rap.

Wonder Woman blogathon

I invite you to read and enjoy Syd Bernstein's My Doctoral Fucking Thesis on Wonder Girl on the Wonder Woman Blog, which, in the true spirit of the Wonder Woman blog, he has illustrated in part with (no frontal nudity but one naked Wonder-ass) photos of porn star Nikki Nova as Wonder Woman.

we suffer for fashion

I am modeling in a Baroness latex-couture fashion show this weekend. The Baroness's assistant was emailing me about a fitting, and then checked my blog and wrote:

PS just looked at your blog, sorry about your accident - but fear not, you will barely even stand out if you are covered in bruises at my party! You can just pretend they are from a significant sadist in your life!

Wow.

breaking super-important news

"Funny women a turnoff for most men"

Update: Chicks & Giggles founder Nichelle responds.

hark, the herald angels are heralding way too early

Sickening! From my home state of Virginia, a new radio station: NickFM, all Christmas music, all the time. Only 328 days til Christmas!

Related posts:

the redneck riviera
and I owe this moment of fame to ... the gout

TONIGHT: historic post-collision free comedy show

Not that I didn't still just get hit by a goddamn cab, but ... the show must go on? Please come commiserate and be entertained tomorrow (tonight) at Pete's Candy Store. Will someone please call me a "trooper"? Mom? Seriously, come to my free comedy show and see some comedy by funny people who did not get hit by cabs.

Monday, January 30th
The After-School Comedy Special
Pete's Candy Store
(L train to Lorimer -- see map)
7:30-9pm
Free

Featuring Baron Vaughn, Carolyn Castiglia, Liz Miele, Andrew Wright, and Shawn Hollenbach.

The After-School Comedy Special mixes performances by top young comedians with nostalgic diversions including free candy, and Mad Libs!

midnight

The ambulance came and my apartment was full of paramedics; they said that I could go to the hospital, but I'd probably just be made to wait for hours in the waiting room, given painkillers and sent home. Still here; knee still hurts. For those longtime readers of the blog -- when my ex-cowboy was hit by a cab, he of course was taken to the hospital and I sped right there. But he had a broken collarbone, and I merely have a banged-up knee, a bent laptop, and a propensity for calling numbers in my cell phone and asking "What? What now?"

Practically speaking, tomorrow I go to the police station to file a civilian accident report.

The cops came to my place and waited until the ambulance arrived; while one cop went down to direct the paramedics upstairs, the other observed me, sitting on my couch, weeping for no real reason other than a sharp glimpse of death -- death-perhaps-now is a hard reminder of death-certainly-later -- and he asked, ever so helpfully, "Are you married?"

The cab driver who seemed nice when I was stunned and injured now seems incredibly manipulative, probably deceitful. I stood on one leg under a tiny awning, huddling against the rain, as the cab driver offered to give me "a little something" not to file a report, and I declined, asking repeatedly towards the street, towards no one, to authority figures not present: what now, what do I do? People freshly whacked by cars are notoriously easy to manipulate. The cops said I should have stayed on the scene and called 911 -- in the rain, in the cold. Instead, I got into the warm cab, and listened for ten minutes as the cab driver told me he could see I was a good woman because I didn't "pretend to fall down," as so many people do, these people who deliberately jump in front of cabs. I had just left a tutoring job on Central Park West, prim in my Audrey-Hepburn-as-schoolteacher dress; is this a profile of a cab-jumper? A bump is now rising on my hand, from where I tried, Superman-style, to stop the car. When I got home, I saw what the cab had done to my stockings.

What are the standards for live-blogging your own auto accident? I want a Strunk & White, a stylebook of catastrophe.

9:55pm

Cops are here. Waiting for ambulance. Who blogs like this? But what else to do? Cops say I shouldn't have left the scene ... but it was raining ... and there was a car to take me home, and it hurt to stand, and there was nowhere else to go but into the cab, and back to Harlem.

Central Park West on the crosswalk in the dark in the rain

I just got hit by a cab. Hit by a cab. And what am I doing? Blogging about it. Blogging while waiting for the cops. I am blogging ... about being hit by a cab. I get hit by a cab ... and I tell you. On the blog. My computer went flying. It works right now but it doesn't sit flat anymore. My knee hurts. I just noticed I have car grease on my hand. My knee has a brand-new lump on it. The cab driver was seemingly nice and drove me home -- and then he offered me money, which of course I didn't take (who sinks to that?) What the hell does a person do?

I've finally got web video!

The Shout-Out, my email newsletter, goes out once or twice a month, containing jokes, audio downloads, show announcements, and various exclusive goodies. And now I've finally bitchslapped web video technology into submission.

To see my new comedy video first (and to be my BFF), sign up here:

Join the jen is famous dot com mailing list for your city! Subscribers get access to secret comedy clips and posts.

Email:

the Moshulu Parkway report

7:45 a.m. on a Saturday, on my way to work. A cup of coffee, Jeff Buckley on my iPod, and the momentary surprise of light when the train pulls above-ground in the Bronx: these are enough to make me happy.

I am wearing an enormous scarf, a foot wide and, when draped around my neck, down to my knees on both ends. I crocheted this scarf during the gelid, bitter winter of my freshman year of college. I had come from Virginia Beach to New Hampshire, and I was Not Prepared. My dorm room had its own thermostat, but the heat in the building was capped off at 65 degrees, which is a fine temperature if it is also 65 degrees outside, but not such a fine temperature if it is five degrees outside with a wind-chill of rip-your-face-off, and you've come inside to try to warm up and also, lest we forget, you are from Virginia Beach, where "layering" means that you wear the same surfer-girl mini-dress you would have worn mid-summer, but with a puffy winter coat over it. Before Dartmouth, I was unfamiliar with the idea that a sweater might be worn over a shirt, rather than in place of it.

Now, five-and-a-half years out of college (during which I have, in sum, sunk a small company and told some jokes), I have been mysteriously blessed with a much faster metabolism, buzzing along like a hummingbird; I keep myself warm without effort. After years being forcibly bundled up as a child (hypothermia is epidemic in Virginia Beach!), I take still sometimes take pleasure in the rebellion of not wearing a coat when I ought. The whip of cold wind across an exposed throat reminds me how much I love adulthood, disliked childhood, and love the kind of life you work very hard for and make your own.

the SAT essay

The new SAT has an essay, and since the creators of the SAT have to grade so damn many essays and to do so consistently, they've had to create a somewhat simplistic scoring rubric. One of their more questionable rules is that the graders do not count off for factual errors.

In a way, this makes sense -- if I quoted Keats but said the quote was from Rimbaud, it doesn't seem fair or consistent that some graders would spot the error and count off, but some wouldn't know any better; the graders must grade by standards accessible to all graders.

The upshot of this is that someone in my company wrote a quite articulate SAT essay about the time Lincoln freed the Jews -- and she got a perfect score.

y'all sit down and drink your ice tea

A friend of mine who formerly served in JAG sent me this article:

"The system is designed to the disadvantage of males," Anglin said. ''From the elementary level, they establish a philosophy that if you sit down, follow orders, and listen to what they say, you'll do well and get good grades. Men naturally rebel against this."

He comments:

Because, hey, if there's nothing else I learned from my time in the armed forces, it's that men are incapable of following orders after sitting down to listen to what people have to say; that's why military service has stereotypically been the domain of women, what with y'all being so good at unemotional steadiness compared to us hysterical and high-strung males...

(In case you guessed from the "y'all," this is, in fact, the same friend who chastised me for my reference to "iced" tea).

grammatical mnemonic devices I can't actually share with my SAT class

"I'd really like to get between those twins!"

versus

"I'd really like to get among those triplets!"


"Your bosoms are lovely."

versus

"Each of your bosoms is lovely."


Grammar is hot!

people who are funnier than I am, part IV or V or VI or something

I was out to lunch with Baron Vaughn and mentioned making some flaxseed muffins, and he commented that "Flaxseed Muffins" sounded like the name of a vegan porn star.

C-Vink rocks the house

At the Chicks & Giggles taping show this past Tuesday, the house was not only stuffed full like a twelve year old's bra, the show was also consistently fast-paced and laugh-a-minute. I got a chance to see sets by Claudia Cogan, Margot Leitman, Sara Schaefer, Jess Wood, and Bex Schwartz for the first time. (Bex did the filthiest set I have ever seen at a Chicks & Giggles, but she wins the award for Comic Who Knows the Most About Maintaining Your Gynecological Health. She should start a Q&A column on her website. No, really).

Regular Chicks emcee Carolyn Castiglia has always been boisterously hilarious (she was doing high kicks and deep-squats in her act while nine months pregnant!), but I think she's pushed it to a new level ... a new level of white-girl rapping. An excerpt from Carolyn's new a capella rap experience:

I rock the mom jeans
I rock them long and lean
I rock them real hard in the size 16
But I wear the long shirt from the front to the back
Cuz I know like Whitney told me that showin' crack is wack!

When I asked Carolyn to send me the lines to her rap, she replied with a little rap just for me....

Here's a little story 'bout Jen Dziura
She's the kinda girl you might have heard of
She tells those jokes and she makes 'em laugh
'Bout brows and roaches and takin' a bath
With Dove's campaign for the real beauty
She's awful smart but she is not snooty
She knows Billyburg like the back of her hand
The hipster kids think she is grand
Cuz she can spell and she can write
Her skin's like asprin it's so white.

(She's not insulting me; the aspirin thing is from my act). Here's a pic of me from the show:


Despite having a three-month-old baby and living in East Harlem, C-Vink (that's her married name, 'cause C-Castiglia is a really ridiculous nickname and C-Cast sounds a little too medical) has made it down to my show in Williamsburg three times already, so I've no doubt you'll be able to see more of this. Bitch can beatbox!

Some little girl is going to grow up to be either really proud of mommy, or else she'll rebel by listening exclusively to Charlotte Church and spending her money on Little House on the Prarie novels.

and while I'm nitpicking, we can "take it to the good times"? what?

What's up with that Starship song that goes:

So if the world runs out of lovers
We'll still have each other
Nothing gonna stop us now.

Is the singer saying "If everyone else pairs off and there's no one left to date, we'll be smug because we snagged somoene early on? Or is he saying "If everyone who is in love is magically vaporized from the earth, we'll still be together and we will have somehow been mysteriously exempt?" Or is he saying "If everyone else becomes so tired and cynical that they stop loving anyone at all, we'll still be going strong, which is cool, except our friends will be really depressed and probably hate us for it?" Or is he saying -- nevermind, this is exhausting. Fuck it.

stop scaring me, you winterwear-theiving, leather-tressed whore!

Also related to my sleeping habits, I think it would be useful for me to get laser eye surgery. Two mornings in the last week, I have awakened to see my coat hanging on a hook on the back of my door, and something like a belt hanging over the top of the hook (sort of like a woman's long hair), and I have been alarmed that a person was in my doorway (and wearing my coat, the bitch!) I know lots of people wake up disoriented, but some of them have 20/20 vision, and it's probably less frightening. Also, if someone broke into my bedroom and were holding up a chart that said something in progressively smaller block letters, I would be more likely to be able to read his or her message.

waking up earnestly

I usually set my alarm clock to "buzzer," but sometimes I set it on "radio" by accident.

This morning the alarm clock came on right at the very beginning of a song, and the song was magical! It was like I was being awoken by a pearlescent pegasus who emananted light and glitter and whose noble wings left rainbows wherever they trailed!

So I left the alarm clock on and crawled back in bed, and discovered thirty seconds later that I was listening to Steve Miller Band's "Fly Like an Eagle," and then I was embarrassed. The station followed it up with Meat Loaf's "Took the Words Right Out of My Mouth," which, again, wasn't bad.

I never listen to classic rock.

January 23rd spelling bee recap

This last bee concluded the Williamsburg Spelling Bee's b-u-r-l-e-s-q-u-e month. Spelling bee founder and co-host bobbyblue was on vacation, so on January 9th, the World Famous *BOB* filled in (see the recap and photos), and on the 23rd, we were graced by Little Brooklyn.

In honor of Little Brooklyn's presence, in round one of the bee, I had spellers spell sexy words like derriere, negligee, crinoline, petticoat, and stiletto. The bee was also filmed by Brooklyn Cable Access Television for the show "Neighborhood Beat." Here are a few pictures:




The last photo shows, from left to right, 3rd place winner Natasha, 2nd place winner Megan, Little Brooklyn, and 1st place winner Matt, who won not only the usual $25 bar tab, but also a lovely VIP package to Little Brooklyn's show, Starshine Burlesque.

Next bee...
Monday, February 6th
Sign up at 7, compete at 7:30
Pete's Candy Store, 709 Lorimer St. in Williamsburg
No cover, open to all.

(And on non-spelling Mondays, do stop by -- same time, same place -- for the After-School Comedy Special).

memo: from Jen to world

I've been Gawkered again.

There's a new guest review on the Sarcastic Sex Toy Blog.

I now have a 30-minute DVD of the spelling bee, which is kind of rad. I'm mailing it off to secret places in hopes of promoting adult spelling bees to the world at large. At the last bee, we did have a bit of an "adult" spelling bee (always the joke -- are we spelling dirty words?) Spelling recap up next.

comedy is in the genes

On a well-known social networking site, my brother Brian posted the following comment below the following image:

"I really like these candid shots of you just doing your normal day to day activities. This one reminds me of when we were teenagers. Sometimes during dinner you would jump to your feet, exclaim something about 'bringing justice to evil doers', and dash from the table. Only a plate containing a partially eaten Steakum sandwich would be left in your wake. It's good to see you still patrol the streets protecting the innocent."

-Brian         

burlesque spelling bee strikes again!

Here is the first photo from last night's spelling bee: winners Natasha, Megan, and Matt with Little Brooklyn! (Those are hard candies in her brassiere, left over from her burlesque act). More soon.

is the internet still taking new enrollments? for whom could this even have been written?

This hoax email is so retro-1995 that I'm almost nostalgic! Yes, the directors of MSN refer to themselves as "Andy and john." Yes, MSN will keep your account active based on tracking the email you forward to everyone you know. Yes, a "closed" account costs $10 a month. Yes, corporate executives often write in all-caps and assure you that "This is no joke."

Hey it is Andy and john the directors of MSN, sorry for the interruption but msn is closing down. this is because too many inconsiderate people are taking up all the name (eg making up lots of different accounts for just one person), we only have 578 names left. If you would like to close your account, DO NOT SEND THIS MESSAGE ON. If you would like to keep your account, then SEND THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE ON YOUR CONTACT LIST. This is no joke, we will be shutting down the servers. Send it on, thanks. WHO EVER DOES NOT SEND THIS MESSEAGE, YOUR ACCOUNT WILL BE CLOSED AND YOU WILL COST 10.00 A MONTH TO USE. SEND THIS TO EVERYONE ON YOUR CONTACT LIST.

There are only 578 names left! You shouldn't have started up that "hothungEVillage@msn.com" account that you use on Craigslist -- you're ruining it for everybody!

porn with mustaches: my practical joke from 2004

In 2004, I had a profile on a modeling website, and I would sometimes receive offers to do porn. One time, I decided to write back. I was able to do so anonymously because it was clear that I had received a mass email, so if I wrote back from a different address, the porn producer would assume that my false identity had been on the list.

The original email:

I am a producer for anew and innovative adult film company. I am looking for fresh new faces, some that dont look like they have been around the block. i need girls ages 18-30 for adult film modeling. how far you go is all up to you. Average pay is $1000-$2000per film which would include at least 2 scenes. In your response I would prefer a full body picture, but headshots are acceptable. If you do only send a headshot please describe body style. also, please let me know if you have any preferences such as only girl/girl, boy/girl, oral. let me know if you have any specialties as well. Females only! Also looking for fluffers. This is an easy way to make money ladies! i would pay for any expenses incurred while in LA.

I wrote back and decided to play naive. Also, since I was asked for "preferences," I figured I'd come up with something:

Thank you for the email. I am interested in the adult film industry. I do have some preferences. Actually, it's kind of weird. I can only have sex if the guy has a mustache. I don't trust men who don't have mustaches. Can you work with that?

My favorite specialty is this thing I learned in India that the girls do with their elbows while they are turned around from behind. You have to see it to believe it! I recommend that everyone go to India.

I have not seen many adult films. Can you recommend some titles so I can see what kind of work you do?

What is a fluffer?

The reply:

that sounds kind of kinky! please provide a picture of yourself, preferably a full body shot. also, where are you located? is there anything you would not be willing to try, besides a guy without a mustache?

Somewhere in here, there was also an email about whether I could provide female friends to act as fluffers. Also at this point, I figured I'd better come up with a picture, so I sent him the only naked-lady photo on my desktop -- one of a girl who had hit on me on Nerve, wanting to arrange something with herself, her boyfriend, and me (never happened). But since she was freely sending her naked pictures to total strangers, I didn't feel too bad forwarding this one. I did feel I had to explain her grooming preferences:

Hi, here is a picture I took of myself in the mirror. Do I need to shave my pubic hair? My boyfriend is French. He likes it all bushy. You know how the French are.

Um, I'm sure there's stuff I wouldn't be willing to try, like animals or something. I'm not sure, what kind of things are you thinking of? Also, can you recommend some movies that show what kind of stuff you make?

About the fluffers -- if the girls are off-camera, why do they have to be good looking? I have a couple of friends who might do it but one is fat and the other one isn't very attractive. She has nice tits but they're fake.

Although the photo was believably candid, the porn producer wanted further proof.

hey what is your name? is that really you in that picture? you have an innocent look to you which is perfect for what i'm looking for. what i'm thinking about is having innocent looking young girls and older men. i'm talking about men in their 40's. so its nothing that extreme like animals or anything. when i asked what you wouldnt be wiling to do i meant like oral sex or something. and just to make sure thats really you in that pic send me a couple of pics in which you're wearing clothes holding a sign that says hi.

Since I couldn't comply with this request, I never wrote back. (Also, I never succeeded in getting him to send me a list of porn film titles that he recommended as "research"). That was in 2004. Today, I receive this:

hey i just saw that i still had this email... would you still be interested?

My reply:

Hey, thanks for the email. Actually, I am working with an adult film company now. They make retro-seventies type films, all wood-paneling, men with hairy chests -- and mustaches! I'm actually shooting tomorrow for 'Mustache Rider XIII - The Handlebar Incident.'"

Photos are of Ryan Scott, who won a mustache contest.
Related posts:

hot septuagenarian erotica
yes, we are all mammals! I concur!
Related site: The Sarcastic Sex Toy Blog

Sleazegrinder interview

This is kind of embarrassing. I swear I didn't do anything untoward to get this kind of press.


Read my interview on Sleazegrinder.
I posted earlier about this interview and about how I basically refused to give a straight answer to anything. I answered the question "Do men find funny women intimidating?" with:

Men find everything about me intimidating. That experiment has too many variables. Post hoc ergo propter hoc. That's Latin for "I can crush you utterly -- with my will or my thighs -- and then will be heard across the land the weeping of your kinfolk and the lamentation of your entire village as they flee in fear."

I'm a riot at family gatherings! Someone invite me to a wake or a bat mitzvah, really.

Actually, I do get serious towards the end when questioned about my monologue piece "Don't Believe Everything You Read On Craigslist." Go read the interview or just type my name into iTunes to get the recording.

Tonight: Little Brooklyn in the 'burgh

This upcoming Monday, the spelling bee continues with "burlesque month." Beloved bee founder bobbyblue is on vacation -- filling in for him will be burlesque star Little Brooklyn, who will co-host, record scores, and do an act before the final round.

Anyone can watch, but be sure to show up early if you want to spell -- we have to cut off the list at 20 spellers.

The Williamsburg Spelling Bee
Monday, January 23rd
Sign up at 7, compete at 7:30
Pete's Candy Store, 709 Lorimer St. in Williamsburg
No cover, open to all.

Update: Brooklyn Cable Access is taping! Arrive early if you want to try to get on camera.

open letter

Dear Jury Duty,

Why do you have to come so early in the morning? We haven't really met yet, but I'm already cranky at you.

Jen

***Merch: Magnet***

Grammatically Correct Comedy magnet
$3.00

future heartbreaker

Maddox Jolie-Pitt is already sticking his tongue out at the press! And, my god, I know he's not genetically related, but "Jolie-Pitt"? That's so money. I was trying to make a joke about this name being so oversexed that it's like a satire of sexiness, but I couldn't think of anyone sexier to mention in the joke. Banderas-Johannsen? A pale second place. Shit, a lot of Cambodians just want a visa so they can come here and work for minimum wage. Getting plucked out of an orphanage by Angelina Jolie, adopted by Brad Pitt, and gifted with a mohawk that actually works even though you're a toddler? This is as close as we have to a modern-day Cinderella story. In fifteen years, this kid will have a band, and the hotness of Maddox's frontman act will cause the universe to fold in on itself, ending all time and space in a moist, pulsating undulation of hotness.

men must remain intact in my presence, please

One of the lightbulbs in my house burned out yesterday, and when I went to unscrew it, it broke in my hand. Undaunted, I picked up the shards and then, carefully pinching the remaining glass of the lightbulb (the metal part was completely screwed into the socket and thus unpinchable), I attempted to remove the remainder of the bulb from the socket.

Of course, I cut myself and bled everywhere, the few remaining bits of glass broke off, and the metal part of the bulb is still firmly ensconced in the socket, all conveniently located in a (dark) walk-in closet.

At first I thought, hmmn, maybe this is one of those things it might be nice to have a guy around for. But then I thought, hmmn, I have much smaller and more deft fingers; I'll bet many men would've cut themselves sooner and more seriously, and I'd really rather bandage up my own fingers than have some big guy bleeding everywhere. It doesn't make sense, but guy blood is kind of more gross.

I'll try later with some pliers.

Midnight at Pete's Candy Store: The DVD

I just watched the DVD of my 53 minute comedy special, and it turns out my "History of Philosophy in 90 seconds" is actually the history of philosophy in a minute flat. (Empedocles -> Plato -> Descartes -> Hobbes -> Locke -> Kant -> Neitzsche -> Sartre). Actually, now that I think about it, I forgot Plato in the taped version, so it's probably 1:08 with The Republic.

I am very happy with the recording. I'd like to publicly thank Gary Winter for taping, Josh Grosvent for opening, Pete's for letting me do this, and everyone who came out to see the show and laugh on the tape, especially those of you (Molly, Mint, and others) who have heard the jokes before. (Also: photo at right by Frank Petronio).

Soon there will be video clips on this here interweb. Or else I will get a tin can and attach it with a string to your tin can and I will yell the jokes to you.

I'm in a book! A real book! One I'm probably not going to mail to my parents.

I'm having fiction published! In a book! Of fiction! My story "The Fat Box" (an erotic fiction story involving both a fraudulent weight loss clinic and unconventional use of Sweet Tarts) will be published in Rachel Kramer Bussel's "Sex and Candy" anthology. So exciting! This will be the first time I will have been published in an actual book.

the news from Lake Hapatcong, New Jersey

Last night, comic Angry Bob (whose website carries a review describing him as a "gigantic anarchist lawn gnome") and I drove to Lake Hapatcong, New Jersey, to do a comedy show in a rock-and-roll themed cafe. Time-consuming, but enjoyable. It's nice to do comedy for people who haven't heard any of my jokes.

Two fiftysomething patrons brought this item with them in their car ... this thing that looked kind of like a giant vibrator with an electrical cord. It was a "smoke-eater," and they sat with it at their table as everyone around them smoked, because you can do that in bars in Jersey. I was going to joke about how much the damn thing looked like a vibrator, but then Angry Bob went up before me and thanked the couple for bringing him a rectal suppository, so I figured I'd just leave the smoke-eater alone.

I was amused by an anecdote on Angry Bob's blog about stopping his car at a red light and having a hooker get into the passenger seat and tell him he looked lonely. His response was to scream out the window: "RAPE, WHORE, HELP, I'M A HOSTAGE IN MY OWN CAR - HELP, HELP HELP!!!"

it's like James Frey and J.T. Leroy teamed up to write these things

I really like writing the Wonder Woman Blog with Syd, because it's the only one of the blogs I write that sometimes automatically updates itself while I sleep. Syd, resident comic book pundit, explains that DC Comics has so many problems making their storylines add up over time because, in reaction to a drop in demand in the '40s and '50s, they killed off many of their characters, but then later tried to bring them back...

In the late 50's, D.C. tried to bring back some of the old characters, but rather than have the characters who had failed and been cancelled return, they created new characters with the same powers. In fact, the new Flash had read the old "The Flash" comics when he was younger. You see in the new "The Flash," the old Flash was a fictional character. Try to keep up. The problem arose when the new Flash teamed up with Superman, because some readers noticed that the Superman who was teaming up with the Flash was the same Superman who had teamed up with the old Flash who was now a fictional character in the Flash's world, which means that Superman was... ERROR! ERROR! DOES NOT COMPUTE! Then their brains exploded.

Facing legislation from the families of those whose heads exploded, The Flash's writer Gardner Fox wrote a comic to explain this. The story goes that The Flash ran so fast that he ripped a hole in reality. For those of you who doubt that this is what happens when you run really fast, keep in mind that you don't have a degree in relativistic physics.

For more Syd goodness, come to the Feb. 8 Jenny Vaudeville Show. Photo of me in my Wonder Women underpants by Ryan Brenizer.

J.D.'s Lesbian Utopia

Tee hee. There's a J.D.'s Lesbian Utopia 2006 calendar. (I share initials with Le Tigre's J.D. Samson).

Related posts:

Lesbia the Fiery
I could increase my star power among the Magic: The Gathering set
now that you've been reading my blog for a few months, maybe we can take this to the next level (sexy!)

nobody text-messages at 9:19am

I got a text message at 9:19 in the morning; it appeared to be a general broadcast from one of my friends to all of his friends, letting us know that he had changed his phone number.

Fine enough (and actually a pretty efficient way to do things -- just text everyone in the old phone rather than finding all their corresponding email addresses and emailing them, or, by God, calling them individually), but I found myself unduly startled by the phone's buzzing -- until I realized that nobody text-messages at 9:19am. Text messaging is like drinking -- you can start in the afternoon, but it really gets going after dark.

***The Sarcastic Sex Toy Store***

The last time you bought a vibrator or a hand-crafted leather flogger, did you simultaneously support alt-comedy and feel good about doing it? No? Well, all that can change!

Everything you see reviewed on the Sarcastic Sex Toy Blog -- plus some more "normal" items that one might buy in Times Square or even at Walgreen's -- is available in the Sarcastic Sex Toy Store.

Support a comedian! Buy your sex toys here:


Click it, click it good.

class(ism) and the New York Times (again)

Gawker today commented on another installment of Alex Kuczynski’s "Critical Shopper" column in the Times.

This reminded me greatly of an article from last July that I never got around to blogging about, but which bothered me in the way much of the Times does (the article is now archived on the Times' site and available only for a fee but, for now, the entire text also appears here).

Kuczynski, wanting to see what "Tar-zhay" was all about, went to a Target, complained about the lack of designer-name merchandise (Michael Graves and Isaac Mizrahi have Target lines), and then said she was bothered by the "disconnect" of mixing highbrow and lowbrow culture, as a Mocha Mint Frappucino ($4.90) at Target costs more than a pair of children's shoes ($3.74), and therefore we can all tell the rich people from the poor people by who's drinking the Mint Mocha Frappucino.

Because, without the help of Target's in-store Starbucks, we'd never be able to tell a rich from a poor person in this country. No no, we couldn't look at how they're dressed or what car they drove to Target or where they're driving the car to afterwards ... it's the Frappucino that makes poor people feel bad for being poor. And to solve this "disconnect" that so bothers Kuczynski, we should clearly go back to a system of poor people shopping exclusively in their own stores. Being relegated to a rat-infested Conway away from the judgmental eyes of Isaac Mizrahi will do far less damage than -- by God -- having to watch someone drink overpriced coffee.

In the end of the article, just for the hell of it, Kuczynski purchases "a large mirror to hang on a guest bedroom wall and six other smaller ones for around the house; a leather lamp; a silk lampshade; two pairs of hiking shorts, a pair of Mossimo camouflage pants and three pairs of underwear for my stepson; seven pairs of underwear and a pair of Hello Kitty flip-flops for my stepdaughter; Mossimo blue jeans for me; 20 sturdy wooden hangers; a box of Ritz Bitz cheese crackers, half of which I ate in the parking lot and the rest of which I threw into the garbage before I could eat any more; a copy of People magazine; a bottle of water," for the bargain basement total of $234.42.

You can just see her laughing, "This leather lamp is practically free!"

Women who throw away newly-purchased non-perishable food as a weight loss method should not be writing reviews of discount stores.

Related post:

economic elitism

after I went looking for a lingerie Barbie photo for this post, I actually kind of want a lingerie Barbie

Also from Scanner, gay Ken doll porn! Okay, they're knockoff Ken dolls, probably to avoid Mattel lawsuits. But it's still Ken-doll porn to me.


When I was eleven, I had a giant Barbie dollhouse in my bedroom that I felt I was too old for. In the very-urgent-but-awkward progression of adolescence, I found its very presence mortifying. I wasn't allowed to get rid of the dollhouse, though, until my mom got around to packing it up -- in my house we took very, very good care of our toys and never damaged or altered them, and when we outgrew them, they were packed in boxes for our progeny. (Yes, that's a little weird, but a family could do worse).

I pestered my mother about getting rid of the dastardly Barbie Dream House -- peopled by three Kens and at least twice as many Barbies and Skippers -- but there it stayed, mocking me with its satin canopy bed and utility kitchen with light-up oven.

One day, I put all the Barbies in their lingerie and high heels and arranged them around the house, brothel-style, and then a Barbie and a Ken, naked, missionary-position, in the canopy bed, and then one Ken bent over the utility kitchen and the other Ken being the first Ken's special friend. That was also the day my mom's one born-again friend was visiting. The Barbies finally got packed away.

I'm sure you've all seen the classic bondage Barbie photos, but here's a more organic entry -- this blogger's kids made unintentional Barbie porn.

When I have kids, they're going to have a lot of vintage slutty Barbies.

actual non-fictional things that are happening to me

News!

• I'm going to be Dangerdame of the Week over at DangerDame. (How do you, too, accomplish this task? Buy a Dangerdame dress and send in photos of yourself in it. Apparently, inviting store proprietor Veronica to do a burlesque performance at your birthday and then being too drunk to remember it does not diminish your chances of winning).
  
  
• My humorous sadomasochistic poem "Seven Nights" is going to be published in a literary journal ... alongside the work of a much more famous comedienne.* In this poem, someone gets spanked with a lacrosse trophy, and snowshoes are used as a bondage device.
  
  
• I have an article coming out in Supermodels Unlimited magazine. It will be accompanied by the photo at left by Yann Feron. I look so springtime fresh. I could be a spokeswoman for the entire women's health-and-hygiene section at Walgreen's.

*What, am I running "blind items" all the sudden? Want to guess what anorexic starlet was seen surreptitiously pouring her Jamba Juice into a potted ficus?