The 2006 Tour: I Know Where You Live and I'm Coming There to Tell Some Jokes

May 5 (Friday)
Beyond Borders Comedy Show
The Comedy District
9543 Culver Blvd, Culver City CA
310-367-9977 for more info
8:30 p.m.
One of LA's longest running alternative comedy shows-Chris Mancini, Jeremy Kramer, Lord & Jen

May 6 (Saturday)
Kulak's Woodshed
5230-1/2 Laurel Canyon Blvd., North Hollywood, CA 91607
818-766-9913
8:00 - 10:00pm PST WEBCAST LIVE!
A night of stand-up and musical comedy with host Kiki Wow, Lord Carrett and Jen Dziura

May 6 (Saturday) Midnight
The Tomorrow Show
The Steve Allen Theater at the Center for Inquiry-West
4773 Hollywood Blvd (2 blocks west of Vermont), Hollywood CA 94063
Tickets at Plays411.com or (323) 960-7785
With Brendon Small, Craig Anton & Ron Lynch, Lord & Jen

May 10 (Wednesday)
San Manuel Indian Bingo and Casino
777 San Manuel Boulevard, Highland CA
9pm show - No Cover
(800) 359-24643

May 13 (Saturday)
"Say Goodbye To North Hollywood Show"
Lord's Music, Comedy, Moving to NYC Party!
Hallenbeck's General Store
5510 Cahuenga Blvd, North Hollywood, CA 91601
8pm show - $5 Cover
(818) 985-5916
with Hard 'N Phirm, Blaine Capatch, Mark Voyce, Dime Box Band, Justin Curtis & Sally Jo



May 24-28 (Wednesday-Sunday)
The Funny Bone
405 S 8th Street, #110, Boise, ID 83702
208-331-2663
Boise Funnybone

July 28 (Friday)
ASET Foundation Fundraiser
The Wyndham Hotel
Philadelphia, PA



August 30-September 3 (Wednesday-Sunday)
Greenwood, IN

September 5th (Tuesday)
Grumpy Dave's, Upstairs at Easy Street Cafe
104 S. Main Street, Bowling Green, Ohio 43402
9pm
$5; $3 for students
419-353-0988

September 7-10 (Thursday-Sunday)
Comedy TN
6102 Macon Rd, Memphis, TN 38134
Thursday/Sunday at 8:15 - $10
Friday/Saturday at 8:15 & 10:30pm - $10
901 384-4222



September 22 & 23 (Friday-Saturday)
Goonies Comedy Club
7 Second Street S.W., Rochester MN
7:30 & 10:00

September 26 (Tuesday)
Sioux Falls SD

September 27 (Wedesday)
Steven's Point WI

November 1 (Wednesday)
Bourbon Street West
1866 Sources Blvd., Pointe Claire, Quebec
(514) 695-6545

November 2-4 (Thursday-Saturday)
Ernie Butler's Comedy Nest in The Pepsi Forum
Montreal, Quebec
Thurs - 8:30, Fri/Sat - 8:30 & 10:30 all shows $12
(514) 932-6378

November 24 & 25 (Friday & Saturday)
Mason City Limits
114 E. Chestnut St., Mason City, IL 62664
7:30 & 10:00 Shows
$12.50 (Friday) and $12.50 (Saturday)
217-482-LAFF (5233)



November 29-December 2 (Wednesday-Saturday)
Connxtions Comedy Club
5319 Heatherdowns Blvd., Toledo, OH 43614
Wed/Thurs - 8:00 / $8
Fri/Sat - 8:00 & 10:30 / $12
(Wed, Fri,& Sat 8:00 shows Non-smoking)
419-867-9041

December 5 (Tuesday)
La Crosse WI

December 6 (Wednesday & Jen's Birthday!)
Dubuque IA

December 7-9 (Thursday-Saturday)
The Comedy Club On State Street
119 State Street, Madison WI
Thursday 8:30 / $8.00
Friday & Saturday 8:00 & 10:30 / $10.00
608-256-0099

December 14-17 (Thursday-Saturday)
Wiley's Comedy Club
101 Pine Street in Dayton OH's Historic Oregon District
Thursday 8:30 - $5
Friday 8:00 & 10:30 - $10
Saturday 8:00 & 10:30 - $12
Sunday 8:30 - $5
937-224-JOKE

you and your stupid peanut allergies

I teach a class in a school that had a sign for a bake sale that asked people to bring in baked goods, but reminded them that "This is a nut-free school."

It made me wish I were on some other school's football team, so that when we played this school, I could say "Yeah, you ARE a nut-free school."

CBGB's

My husband eats flowers.

Ryan B. strikes again!

Akeelah, Shmakeelah

I'm quoted on WSJ.com:

Hollywood's Favorite Protagonist: The Pint-Size Spelling Champ, by Annelena Lobb

Bees have popped up recently at hipster bars like Brooklyn's Pete's Candy Store, and the Art Bar at Bickett Gallery, in Raleigh, N.C. The bee at Pete's Candy Store has been held biweekly since September 2004, ever since its originator saw "Spellbound." "Some people want to relive their childhood and just come in and do it once," says comedian Jen Dziura, who calls out the words. "It is a pretty laid-back environment -- but it's still a spelling bee."

a very CBGB's wedding

This is what happens when you get married at a legendary punk club which doesn't really have an "aisle" to walk down, per se, so you sort of make one with chairs, and then you need a place to get ready, so you take over the handicap bathroom where your friend from college does your hair, and then it comes time for the ceremony and you realize that, in the utter calm of planning a 55-person wedding in six weeks, you hadn't really planned exactly how you'd get from the handicap bathroom, through all the guests, to the other side of the club, near the door, so you could walk down the aisle without everybody seeing you first, but then your magical polka-playing bridesmaid Megan appears with the CBGB's soundman in tow, and hands you an umbrella and insists that you follow the soundman out the back door of the club and around the block so as to come in through the front entrance, and you're afraid for your open-toed white stilettos, but you comply, because dear God, the woman is playing the clarinet in a polka band and ran all over town buying glitter and has never, in your memory, been wrong, and you get around the block and some loitering-type men announce that you look nice, and then you're not sure what to do, and then Megan and Molly reappear, and you all go in the front door, and then somehow the soundman has deployed himself back to the booth, and soon "Chapel of Love" is playing and the audience laughs much more than a person might reasonably have expected, and the bridesmaids start walking, and then the music fades out and "La Vie en Rose" starts, and ten minutes later you're legally bound not to have sex with strangers, but that's okay, because it was all so pretty and your husband has a fantastic pompadour and the white open-toed stilettos survived just fine and then the polka starts.

I hear that's pretty much universal.

Seriously, you need to click and enlarge this.
As asked in the comments, "Are you pure enough to wear plaid?"
The mannequin has no pants!
Megan has a magic unicorn and sleeps on a rainbow.
All by Ryan B., of course.

gone Bust

Molly (who looked fantastic in her bridesmaid dress and is in great part responsible for my and Lord's Chelsea Hotel excursion) and I are both annoyed that otherwise awesome girly-feminist mag Bust has turned even more of its pages towards craft projects. Retro, rock-inspired, adorably indie-aesthetic craft projects, but nevertheless:

1. made of yarn
   
2. a waste of time
   
3. encouraging the wearing of horrible clothes, such as skirts and halter tops made out of "vintage pillowcases," garments which do not encourage others to take the wearer seriously, a situation which is not especially feminist.

Molly and I have had many a talk about how the resurgence of knitting -- even if you're knitting skull-and-crossbone bolero jackets -- just keeps women occupied with time-consuming, trivial, useless diversions when they could be updating their resumes, making money, and gaining real power.

Expressing yourself with a hand-crocheted change purse shaped like Rosie the Riveter isn't actually that important. If wearing an Ann Taylor suit is what will, say, help you lobby for actual change, or get elected, I think you should wear an Ann Taylor suit. Pumps, even.

You know what's feminist? Actually getting shit done. And not pretending that fawning over cute things is somehow new and empowering.

seriously, I'll blog about something else in a week or so, when I start answering emails again

A comment on Flickr for this picture reads:

"From the thumbnail, I thought the dude was David Bowie in the early 90s. From the close up, it looks a bit like Jude Law with big hair."

A partial list of celebrities my husband has been said to look like:

• Jeff Conaway
  
• Val Kilmer
  
• Hugh Jackman
  
• Lyle Lovett
  
• Patrick Swayze
  
• Johnny Depp (also from Flickr)
  
• ...and now David Bowie and Jude Law

There are a bunch of others that I now can't remember. Never before has anyone looked like so many celebrities at once. I think Val is the best match, personally, but who wouldn't take Val over Jeff anyday? It's all about the jawline.

Pictures: After the Ceremony

Outside CBGB's with Lord's family.

Lord with groomsman/comic Bruce Cherry and manager Dana Gibson.

Richard of the Deadly Venom Dutchmen.

Megan, Soraya and Richard playing post-wedding alt-polka.
(I had a clarinet-playing bridesmaid!)

Champagne and sparkling apple cider.

We paraded through the East Village to dinner --
Lord checks Mint's purse for the time.
Credit:Ryan B.

Pictures: The Ceremony

Reverend Louis.

How to end a ceremony.

Don't we look un-ironic?

Right after the ceremony we made a recessional to the bar.
Credit:Ryan B.

Pictures: Pre-Wedding

A good look for me.

No fake IDs at our wedding!
Credit:Ryan B.

first wedding picture

From Lord's friend Jim. To the left is amazing, lifesaving, polka-playing bridesmaid Megan, in the middle is Rev. Louis, and to the right is groomsman/comedian Bruce Cherry, who delivered a hilarious toast ("I wouldn't say it was a whirlwind romance, but it left families homeless in the Midwest.")


Today I received three surprised emails from ex-boyfriends.

all hitched up!

Actual wedding photos coming soon. In the meantime, a "just married" photo in front of the Chelsea Hotel.

what happens when "Housewives at Play" makes an appearance in Williamsburg

Ryan B's photo documentary on me is coming to a close.

Monday, April 24th, meet Mr. Jen Dziura

click to enlarge

I've got a white dress and friends who make cupcakes

Lord arrives tonight and then it's countdown-to-wedding! Pardon the blogging slowdown. I am not planning on live-blogging the ceremony, but maybe someone else will. It's possible.

sorry if this is not safe for work, but I never promised you a rose garden

I'd like to thank comediennes Carolyn and Lianne for throwing me a bridal shower/bachelorette function at Pete's, involving a prodigious quantity of snack foods and a cake with chocolate mousse frosting, encircled by chocolate-filled cream puffs!

I also received wedding-themed comic book porn (hi Mint!), as so:


I really like the review that some guy wrote of this book on Amazon. It specifies that:

"There are exactly 37 well-drawn detailed drawings of women inside the book. Obviously enough, all the pictures have some connection to weddings, just married women, or just about to be married women. The pictures range from somewhat tame (I guess the tamest one in this collection would involve a woman kissing the bride) to somewhat extreme (involving bondage in one form or another, humiliation, getting caught in action, whipping). The women are brides, guests, in-laws, bridesmaids, and the maid of honor. The men, if there is a man in the picture, is shown shocked/surprised at the action, is being "thanked" by the bride, is walking away happy, is a priest, or is being distracted. Most of the action occurs outdoors or in some form of church or hotel (like the picture of the surprise guest on the honey-moon), but some of the action does occur in-doors...."

What kind of people want to buy wedding-themed graphic novel porn -- but only if all the action occurs outdoors? Or maybe such buyers would think that merely thirty-four "well-drawn detailed drawings of women inside the book" would not be enough! How uptight can a porn buyer be?

We’re just trying to be friendly.

I have a lot of music on my iPod that was copied over from other people's iPods, and I was exploring the other day on the subway and saw a song called "Cuddly Toy." That's just silly, I thought, and decided to listen. What followed was the meanest, most misogynistic listening experience of my iPod's lifespan thus far. The lyrics:

You're not only cuddly toy that was ever enjoyed by any boy
You're not the only choo-choo train that was left out in the rain
The day after Santa came
You're not the only cherry delight that was left out in the night
And gave up without a fight
You're not the only cuddly toy that was ever enjoyed by any boy

Youre not the kind of girl to tell your mother
The kind of company you keep
I never told you not to love no other
You must of dreamed it in your sleep

Is that not, um ... mean and weird and objectifying? "Gave up without a fight"? Um, creepy?

You know whose song that is? The Andrew Dice Clay Band, you guess? No no, it's...

The Monkees!

You know they like to Monkee around.


Can you believe that?

I specifically remember a "But we’re too busy singing/To put anybody down."

apple photo

By Aeric Meredith-Goujon.

I'll be your Granny Smith.

I wonder if there's a sexy way to say that.

Holy Mattress-Mony

Our April 24th show has been Sheckified!

lest you think I am not responsive to reader input

In response to my post about taking your dog to the prom, I have been sent a picture of a dog in a prom dress. Enjoy.

anything you can do...

When it's 11pm and I have preparation to do before a 9am job the next morning, what do I do? Do I stay up late and do it? No, I go to bed immediately and set the alarm for 4:15am, but end up getting up on my own at 3:45. Really.

In college, I pulled all-nighters and claimed that I did my best work at night. Now, at the advanced age of 27, I can't pull an all-nighter without the help of the good shit that my private school students are on. And I enjoy my morning coffee enough that I will actually go to bed earlier in anticipation of ritualistically preparing and then drinking said morning coffee.

I am a crazy morning person. Hate me. It's fine.

concluding a decade-long chapter involving too many trips by way of the Astor Place stop on the 6

I am so glad I don't have to date anymore. Guess what? I NEVER liked having drinks in the East Village. Even if it's halfway between my place in East Harlem and your place on the west side or in Brooklyn or wherever. Meeting up for drinks in the East Village makes me want to punch someone. One time I suggested meeting up for soup in the East Village instead. I got my soup, but it's weird to have a first date when you're spooning lentils to your mouth. This also makes me want to punch someone.

At one point when I was dating I just started insisting that all first dates take place in my neighborhood, which was a good tool for screening out those of unsufficient motivation (to be on the date, or to come to Harlem). Once, I went on a first date in my neighborhood with a guy who, after we had drinks, was really excessively worried about how dangerous it might be to walk to the subway, or even stand outside long enough to catch a cab. I was miffed. "I live here," I said, "plus ... you're Mexican!" He was (Mexican-American), but he wasn't from the city.

It is also really hard to unsubscribe from the stupid dating sites I was once on. I posted here once about my attempt to use eHarmony ("in my town" doesn't mean WEEHAWKEN or BERGEN COUNTY), and, despite letting my membership lapse probably a year ago, I got an email that another member wanted to communicate with me, and in order to actually delete all trace of myself from their site, I had to basically go through five or six "unsubscribe" screens, at the bottom of which I'd have to click buttons that said things like "I do not believe in love; I wish to unsubscribe." This, too, makes me want to punch someone.

Maybe I should take up boxing again. Probably not the week before the wedding.

(Photo by Aeric Meredith-Goujon. I don't have any photos of me punching someone).

how to throw a party

It's hard to say what stands out most about this photo. First off, the larger-and-curvier Britney is quite well-presented here. She's been looking bloated and ill-kempt lately. This dress and pose work brilliantly for her.

That being said: dwarves.

Not friends who happen to be dwarves. Hired dwarves.

is it possible that you still don't know what I look like?

You have seen many of Ryan Brenizer's photos of what I look like doing comedy. Here is what I look like when other people are doing comedy:


This was a candid shot; however, Ryan writes that "It might be somewhat posed on her part; my biggest challenge is her extreme sixth sense for when a camera is on her."

I have an extreme sixth sense! Awesome. Some people would just call that paranoia.

i just do everything faster than people who enjoy relaxation

Ha! I may have a new favorite celebrity-of-the-moment:

LOST star EVANGELINE LILLY hates the laid-back island lifestyle of Hawaii, where she films hot TV show LOST - because no one has a notion of urgency. The pretty Canadian admits island life really gets her down, especially when she's in a hurry to get somewhere. She explains, "The notion of 'aloha' is really nice when you're a visitor walking on the sidewalk and everyone's cool and going, 'Yay! Aloha!' "But when you're on the road running late for work and everyone's f**king 'Yay! Aloha!' you want to snap! No one understands that there is a passing lane, no one understands there is a speed limit you can exceed."

I feel this way ALL THE TIME, even IN NEW YORK. I don't care if you're buying coffee, going up the subway steps, or telling your children you love them: HURRY THE FUCK UP.

just in case you thought your clothes were safe

I have spoken before about my passion and talent for exterminating (yes, I mean seeking out and killing bugs).

However, of all the places I might suspect that 100 or so cockroaches would be using as their home base, "inside a box of powdered laundry detergent" was not one of them.

Now that's fucking resilient. Can they eat that stuff?

Lord of the Rings, Madame X ... my nose is up for your interpretation

This is me at the Ivy Comedy Show, watching another comic from backstage. Photo by Ryan Brenizer, of course. One viewer on his page commented that I had "elvin" features; another said I looked "Anais Nin-like."

I wonder if that nose makes me more aerodynamic, slicing the air ahead of me when I run.

n'est pas jolie

I'm not always against tattoos. Some of the SuicideGirls have quite lovely, clever, and well-placed ones. I often like brightly-colored, animation-inspired tattoos over traditional, Gothic ones. One SuicideGirl even has stocking seams -- with little bows at the top -- tattooed up the back of her legs! And I also think it's clever when people cover up scars or distract from flaws with tattoos.


That being said, Angelina Jolie's body is kind of a national treasure. I do think she is probably the most beautiful woman alive. I also think that defacing a national treasure with these tattoos should be punished via whatever penalties would apply for, say, painting (carving?) Hitler moustaches on the Presidents of Mt. Rushmore.

Alright, enough of that. Who wants to do a line off that ass?

well, what the hell are you doing with the baby right NOW? Keeping it in your sock drawer?

I took this picture in Harlem:


"You've hidden your pregnancy. You couldn't let anyone know. Now you have a BABY! Don't panic! There is a secret safe place for newborns."

Apparently it's IN A FLOWER.

non-sequitur advertising masquerading as analogous reasoning

I took this photo at a public school where I was teaching:


"You wouldn't take your dog to the prom. Don't take a test without CliffsNotes."

Are people who create such horribly mismatched analogies really to be trusted with creating educational supplements?

Something like "You wouldn't skydive without a parachute. Don't take a test without CliffsNotes" would work; here we need an analogy that likens CliffsNotes to a form of preparation or protection. But "You wouldn't take your dog to the prom?" That's unsalvageable.

"You wouldn't wear a trash can full of waffles on your head -- don't use non-organic salad dressing!"

This Monday Night: Free Comedy at Pete's

Pete's Monday Evening Stand-Up
Free Comedy Show, featuring New York's top young comedians, free candy, and Mad Libs.
Monday April 10th (and every other Monday)
7:30pm, Pete's Candy Store

Featuring Michael Creighton, Theron Steiner, Dave Rosner, Heather Fink, Hannibal Buress, and Becky Yamamoto.

not the worst market ever for soup, but still...

I just realized that "Hale & Hearty Soups" is a pun on "hale and hardy." Who still says that? Old, articulate people?

It's soup for the quaintly elderly.

The LA Tour: May 5-16th, 2006

Do I have blog readers in LA? If so, please say hello in the comments, or email me :)

Not unrelated to that man of mine, I have FIVE shows coming up in LA in May:

May 5th (Friday)
Beyond Borders Comedy Show
The Comedy District, 9543 Culver Blvd, Culver City CA
310-367-9977 for more info
8:30 p.m.
One of LA's longest running alternative comedy shows w/Chris Mancini, Jeremy Kramer, Lord & Jen

May 6 (Saturday)
Kulak's Woodshed
5230-1/2 Laurel Canyon Blvd.
North Hollywood, CA 91607
818-766-9913
8:00 - 10:00pm PST
A night of stand-up and musical comedy with host Kiki Wow, Lord Carrett and Jen Dziura. Also WEBCAST LIVE!

The same night:
May 6 (Saturday) Midnight
The Steve Allen Theater at the Center for Inquiry-West
4773 Hollywood Blvd (2 blocks west of Vermont)
Hollywood CA 94063
Tickets at Plays411.com or (323) 960-7785
With Brendon Small, Craig Anton, Ron Lynch, Lord Carrett and Jen Dziura.

May 10 (Wednesday)
San Manuel Indian Bingo and Casino
777 San Manuel Boulevard
Highland CA
9pm show - No Cover
(800) 359-24643

May 13 (Saturday)
Lord Carrett's "Say Goodbye To North Hollywood Show"
Lord's Music, Comedy, Moving to NYC Party!
Hallenbeck's General Store
5510 Cahuenga Blvd
North Hollywood, CA 91601
( 818) 985-5916

Those of you in LA, shoot me an email if you're coming and I'll bring you a Jenisfamous.com button or something and will make sure to say hello :)

aspirational root vegetables

Parsnips are delicious! I think if you were a rabbit who went all nouveau-riche, you'd switch from carrots to parsnips.

retro-80s diet

Ever notice how New York diners are the only places you can even get cottage cheese in a restaurant? And they really overdo it -- the entire "diet menu" consists of stuff with cottage cheese on it, including hamburgers.

"i meen do u want 2 start a relationship?"

He's back! How does he keep accidentally sending all his MySpace messages to me?

This one is BEYOND BELIEF. It is actually a back-and-forth with a woman in whom the writer takes a (lukewarm) romantic interest:

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Grace
Date: Apr 5, 2006 1:32 PM

lol well ill go out with u but do u jus want 2 b friends i meen do u want 2 start a relationship i meen i will like 2 i like u lol but it if u want 2



----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Grace
Date: Apr 4, 2006 8:52 PM

mm well its not my decision its urs



----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: eric
Date: Apr 4, 2006 4:10 PM

ya this isnt real though lol i do want 2 go out with ur friend but i want 2 here wut u would say and b 4real lol o0o and i think me and my girl is ab 2 brake up lol

Yes, "brake ups" are always difficult. I didn't realize we were now abbreviating "about."

"Grace," according to her profile, is 16. She writes: "i always speak my mind,, i luv watching movies, talking on the phone,i also luv to play around making jokes, i have a blackbelt in shopping lol."

If that's "speaking her mind" ... damn. LOL.

the fraud department

About six weeks ago -- in fact, just a day or two before the big show I produced at CB's, when I really didn't need any more pressure -- I got a call from my bank asking if I had purchased $1250 worth of video gaming products in the wee hours of the morning. Indeed, I had not, and consequently my card was cancelled and an investigation opened.

There were four charges -- roughly $500, $600, $100, and $50 -- two of which ($600 and $100) hadn't yet posted and so were simply cancelled by the bank, and two of which ($500 and $50) were provisionally credited back to me, pending investigation. Today I received a letter from the bank saying, essentially: we have attached proof that the $50 charge is valid. If you STILL wish to dispute the charge, please write us a letter.

The attached "proof" was a charge slip, listing the last four digits of my former credit card number, my correct address -- and someone else's phone number and email address.

No joke. Citibank sent me the phone number and email address of the person who stole my credit card.

What should I do? (Other than write the letter to the bank). If I weren't so phone-phobic, I think it would be rather stylish to call this person and ask, calmly and reasonably, where the number had been acquired and what this person was up to. Perhaps I could pretend I were interested in starting a credit-card scamming business. Or I could pretend to be the bank. Or I could pretend to be the Feds (I won't; that's probably illegal). Of course, I could think of nastier things to do, but that's too easy (and less stylish).

Can you believe this? I'm not overly worried about this particular charge because it's the smallest one, but I really hope I don't get a similar letter about the $500 one.

Or if I do, I hope it has the scammer's name, photo, and social security number.

This Wednesday - Ivy Comedy Show

This show appears to be open to anyone who RSVPs -- here's the link on the Penn Club* website.

Ivy League Comedy show, starring New York's funniest, brightest and most educated comedians. See Karen Bergreen (Comedy Central, VH-1), Jeff Kreisler (author of the "Funny Money" column, TheStreet.com), Jennifer Dziura (VH-1, Good Morning America), and a surprise guest who has appeared on the Late Show with David Letterman. Hosted by Shaun Eli (visit Shaun's site).

$35 in advance or $45 at the door (includes two drinks). For reservations, email events@PennClubNY.org or fax (212) 403-6621.

*Did you know that most of the Ivies have actual country-club-style "clubhouses" in midtown? The Harvard Club displays a sign that prohibits "business newspapers," work materials, and most certainly laptops. God forbid you use your education to get something done. Just in case you thought the term "landed wealthy" was outdated....

every Monday at Pete's!

You could even say I have a residency at Pete's. Every Monday, I'm there for either comedy or spelling, both of which are highly pleasurable for people with good taste.

TONIGHT: The Williamsburg Spelling Bee

Only two more bees before the May 1st finals! Prizes for the top 3 -- and for the first person eliminated!

The Williamsburg Spelling Bee
Monday, April 3rd
Sign up at 7, compete at 7:30
Pete's Candy Store, 709 Lorimer St. in Williamsburg
No cover, open to all.

Next Monday (April 10), and every other Monday (alternating with spelling)

Pete's Monday Evening Stand-Up
Free Comedy Show, featuring New York's top young comedians, free candy, and Mad Libs.
7:30pm, Pete's Candy Store

bubbly

I really like drinking mineral water even though it's iconically eighties-yuppie. Today in the store I saw that Canada Dry seltzer was less than half the price of Perrier, so I bought the Canada Dry (mandarin orange flavor, no calories!), and subsequently discovered that it has WAY more bubbles. A surfeit of bubbles makes my eyes water. I'll have to let this stuff go flat before I can drink it.

donate your OWN blood; drive-bys don't count

I saw a truck on the street that said "Be a Blood Donor" on its side and back panels. However, when the back door of the truck was pulled partway up (such as to conduct a blood drive), all you could read of the back panel was "Be a Blood," so at first I thought it was a truck for recruiting gang members.

Now if only the Jerry Lewis Telethon had a truck that said "Be a Crip--"

Well, actually, it would be more likely to say "Help a Crip--"

I am indeed the subject of a photo documentary

Here are some spelling bee photos (by Ryan Brenizer) from when Lord was last here.




Bobby from the spelling bee is going to be officiating at the wedding. It would be funny if he forced us to spell our vows.

I'm in a book! (part II)

I have been informed that "a joke or jokes" of mine has or have been included in "THE COMPLETE IDIOT'S GUIDE TO JOKES," edited by Larry Getlen, which will be released in September of this year through Alpha Books, a division of Penguin Publishing.

Related post:

I'm in a book! A real book! One I'm probably not going to mail to my parents.