on the Hajj to Intercourse, Pennsylvania

I live in a neighborhood in New York that is frequented by some number of Muslim women in headscarves typical of various African and Arab cultures, and, here and there, a few in full-on burquas.


East Harlem, does not, however, have any Amish people.

Today I went to the Reading Terminal Market in Philly, ate bacon and cornmeal mush (fried into a brick!), purchased various chocolate-covered items, and just generally speculated about the lifestyles of the Amish people selling goods there. The plump teenaged Amish girl I ran into in the ladies' room wore clunky orthopedic shoes and an apron that indicated that she worked at the butcher stand, and she looked rightfully aggrieved.


Most interestingly, I saw a Muslim woman in a headscarf and ankle-length outfit buying produce from an Amish vendor. I wondered if they shared a conspiratorial look over the apple butter that said:

"Despite our differences over praying
towards Mecca and the spiritual importance
of hand-churning butter, at least we can agree
that all these other women are WHORES."
I would also like to announce that this photo of Li'l Kim is the first thing that comes up in a Google image search for "burqua."

track your brain waves in Philadelphia

I'm in Philadelphia!

Doing this show:


It's $40 and open to the public (and includes a Philly cheesesteak), if anyone's in Philly and interested. Just come down to the Wyndham at Franklin Plaza, 7pm.

Also, if anyone wants to hire me for a corporate or nonprofit fundraiser, these lovely professionals in the electroneurocardiotachydodecacognitionalitudinousministration field have almost sold out their show already, which looks to be a great success for the future of electroneurocardiotachydodecacognitionalitudinousministration.

the Chinese have heard of deep-fried Snickers and are upping the ante

I bought food at a charmingly and aptly-named Chinese place in Flushing called "Four Entrees and Soup."

For just $4.50, a server behind a cafeteria-style display gets you a takeout container of rice, and you select four entrees from the buffet, which she scoops onto the rice. I went for sesame chicken, some sauteed mushrooms, what looked like a curried white-meat chicken, and what looked like some interesting sliced vegetable.

The second-to-last was, in fact, some rather Chinese-tasting scrambled eggs, with tomatoes. (Look, I found you a recipe!)

That last item was, in fact, French fries in sauce. MSG-imbued Chinese French fries. Very likely double-fried.

There was also soup.

On a related note, I also got a pedicure in Flushing, involving a stocky, butch Asian woman giving me a full-on exfoliating leg-rub (she squeezed a lemon onto my legs!), and the best damn foot massage I've ever had (including from men trying to get into my pants).

The cost? $12! That's like stealing.

looks like SOMEBODY's got a case of the MONDAYS!

Tonight:

The Williamsburg Spelling Bee
Monday, July 24th
Sign up at 7, compete at 7:30 -- Open to all. Prizes include show tickets and bar tab.
Pete's Candy Store, 709 Lorimer St. in Williamsburg




Next Monday:

Monday Evening Stand-Up at Pete's
Monday, July 31st
7:30pm -- Comedy show starring Michelle Collins, Oleg Boksner, Josh Jackson, Eliza Faria-Santos, Joselyn Hughes, and Raquel D'Apice, and featuring free candy and MAD LIBS.
Pete's Candy Store, 709 Lorimer St. in Williamsburg




Click here for a map to Pete's.

spanx me

I purchased this pencil skirt because, well, if Spanx is good enough for Gwyneth Paltrow, it's good enough for me. Actually, I wanted a pencil skirt, googled "pencil skirt," ended up here, and thought, well, I don't normally order items advertised as "slimming," but what can it hurt? We all know you can never be too rich, too thin, or own too many tiny, exotic pets.

Do not purchase this item!
It turns out "slimming" means "wrapped so tight in spandex that you can't move your knees far apart enough to walk."

While some people might be into that for other reasons, I don't think trussing a woman to the point of immobility is "slimming."

Full-body latex does wonders for body and head fat!
I am returning that motherfucker to the sausage-casing factory whence it came. Gwyneth, it must be hard to be a celebrity. Have a muffin. Relax.

scientists have too much time on their hands

My friend Christine told me that scientists -- responding to Americans' overwhelming preference for white meat over dark -- had found a way to, in fact, turn white meat into dark meat. The first step, she said, was to "slurry" the meat. Can there be a more repulsive word to apply to meat?

Sure enough, I googled "turn white meat into dark meat," and easily found this article, which reports that:

The recipe involves adding excess water to ground-up dark meat to create a kind of meat soup, then spinning the mixture around in a tub at high speed. The centrifugal force makes the mixture settle into layers of fat, water, and extracted meat, which can be molded into breast-like patties of all-white meat.

Yummy! "Breast-like" patties of centrifuged, slurried, extracted meat particles!

My BFF Megan is a pervert

Megan came back from a trip to California bearing not only a giant plush Wonder Woman (not perverted), but also these:


Underwear intended for Asian female children.

Look at this! Look how messed-up it is that someone bought this for me!

Why is this little girl holding one boy's
hand while kissing a different boy? Is she
a manifestation of my inner psyche?
She said she looked at the size chart and thought I could squeeze into them. (Well, yes, basically, but that's all I'll say on the matter).

The "size chart" actually didn't list sizes in any measurable sense. It said only that a girl's XL was intended for "TIME OF LIFE: 12-14 yrs."


Megan and me, by Semyon.
She's my favorite pervert.

strangers respond to my powers of mind control

In relation, yet again, to this, I have received this:


Who knew Burger King had gift cards? My $10 will get me substantially more than one hamburger.

p.s. With fries!

;-)

inadvertent benefits

I posted previously about the appalling gardening-clog trend, but today I saw a middle-aged man on the 6 train platform in navy-blue clogs and thought, well, at least I don't have to see man-toes.*

Better you look like a waterproof Dutch person than wear your circa-1999 Tevas in Manhattan.

* Actually, I kind of like seeing effeminate, pedicured Chelsea men in expensive flip-flops crossing their legs on the subway and pointing their big man-toes at every opportunity. Cute!

autographed 8x10s

Since my ten minutes of humor-writing fame, I've gotten requests to offer autographed 8x10s.

Paypal me $15 and one is yours.

That is all I'll say about it. And no, I'm not selling panties. Or locks of hair. Or naked photos.

for no particular reason

Cow

I'm famouser than ever, in a weird, niche sort of way

Someone posted this top ten list to a message board about artists' models. I am flattered, especially since I think all these facts would have had to have been culled from years' worth of separate posts on the blog.

I don't hate lettuce anymore, and I think my favorite color might be ochre. The trachea thing sounds exactly like something I would say. And "efficacy" was definitely my word choice. (I never, however, spell my name in all caps).

Top Ten Lists: JENISFAMOUS

1- Her favorite color is celery

2- She read Susan Sontag's "Regarding the Pain of Others"

3- Her best friend Molly commented over coffee that her "eyeshadow skills" have improved !

4- JENISFAMOUS would sooner stab herself in the trachea with a fork than attend a poetry reading.

5- She is addicted to eye cream in little pots, regardless of its efficacy.

6- She will make sad-kitty faces in exchange for a sitcom.

7- She wonders profound thoughts like: 'Why hasn't some Japanese hip hop artist put out an album called "Rapanese"?'

8- JENISFAMOUS is a freelance writer, spoken word performer alternative comedian, occasional model, and general urban revolutionary !

9- JEN hates lettuce, but it turns out she digs spinach !

10- Jen -IS- John Singer Sargent's Madame X.

The image above is an illustration by Molly Crabapple of me as John Singer Sargent's "Madame X," which Molly kindly did for me to advertise a small drawing group I used to run.

don't be fooled by counterfeits

My little brother has gotten engaged. She's a nice girl. A nice girl named Jennifer.

My brother's last name is, unshockingly, Dziura.

She is changing her name. To ... Jennifer Dziura.


This is my brother with "New Coke" Jen.
You may refer to me as "Classic Coke" Jen.

I had the following text-messaging conversation about it with my brother. (Background info: my middle initial is L, for Lynn).

Jen: So is she changing her name? I warned her!!! She could probably take me in a fight, but I win on Google.

Brian: Oh, she's changing it. And she could definitely kick your ass. But you can "internet" kick hers. Hehe. Nerd.

Jen: Congratulations-fuck-you!

(no response)

Jen: What's her middle name?

Brian: Leigh

Jen: L! It's an L! You're fucking kidding me. For a wedding gift, she's getting all my old address labels and gym clothes.

Jen: Or ... I'll steal her credit cards!

I propose that this new counterfeit Jennifer Dziura be referred to henceforth as Jennifer Dziura 2.0, Jennifer Dziura Jr., Jennifer Dziura II, or possibly JenDziuraTron.

Thank you.

the hamburger chronicles

Note to visitors from various websites which are linking here:

McSweeney's is a humor website, and I am a comedian. I no more wrote this article seriously than I think that the Irish should eat their children. Welcome to I am not serious.

Here are some emails I have received recently:

"Would not your experiment merely suggest that male psychology is more suggestable to a woman who is visable and in person than one who is hidden by a barrier? ... I wonder (if you're serious) how your experiment differs from a psychological experiment and enters the realm of the paranormal."

"Hats off to you and your vagina."

"I would like to volunteer my services in aiding you with your experiment."

"I WILL BUY YOU A HAMBURGER WITH FRIES."

I also received a strange message telling me to check my mailing address, and containing a shipping confirmation and order number for an unknown item. I have recently bought some items on eBay, so I wrote back and asked "What is this for? What did I buy?"

The sender wrote back to say "You haven't bought anything. Don't worry; all will become clear in time." I wonder if I'm getting ...


...a hamburger? On dry ice? A facsimile hamburger? A toy hamburger? A White Castle gift certificate?

Three Jens photo by Edwin Tse.

more comedy, plus some debating

Tonight I am appearing in this show:

Tuesday, July 18 @ 8PM
Mintyfresh presents COCKTAIL
Otto's Shrunken Head
538 East 14th St b/t Aves A & B
www.mintyfreshcomedy.com
www.ottosshrunkenhead.com
FREE

Far, far from now, but interestingly, I shall be debating! Publicly, as I once did for Dartmouth, and before that, in the heady arena of Messieurs Lincoln and Douglas.

DEBATE: "Do Celebrities Have a Right to Privacy?" Jen Dziura vs. Opponent to be Determined, with moderator Michel Evanchik and host Todd Seavey. Wed. Oct. 4, 8m downstairs at Lolita bar on the northeast corner of Broome and Allen on Manhattan's Lower East Side, under the auspices of JinxMagazine.com (free admission, cash bar).

Photo by Ryan Brenizer, dress by Dangerdame.com

Tonight's Show

This Monday, July 17th
Pete's Monday Evening Stand-Up
7:30pm @ Pete's

Free comedy as always. Featuring Brad Aldous, Charles Star, Amanda Pettit, Lucas Held, and Shawn Hollenbach, and hosted by Jenisfamous. Plus FREE CANDY and MAD LIBS.



Click here for a map to Pete's.

we miss thee, dear dorothy parker

I really enjoyed the name of this book-recommendation list on Amazon:

So you'd like to... Become the smartest, sexiest, most ideal woman among women: a guide by Alessandra Eakin, default expert through withering experience.

I own at least two of her recommended tomes.

In related news, Alex Kuczynski, about whom I have previously written in a post entitled "class(ism) and the New York Times (again)," has written a book entitled Beauty Junkies.

After (scroll down to post below) having to explain surrogate motherhood to my thirteen-year-old students, I was amused and amazed by Kuczynski's anecdote about having liposuction...

which her stepson's eight- or nine-year-old friend recognized immediately on a sunbathing Kuczynski. "Did you have fat cut off your butt?" he asked.

What kind of eight or nine year old even knows that that is an option? An eight or nine year old with a trust fund.

a day in the life of an SAT instructor

I recently explained the word "abstemious" to some SAT students, which required me to explain what sorts of things a person might abstain from.

But that wasn't as uncomfortable as when I was teaching the Latin root "gen," meaning "birth, creation; type, kind," as in generation, gender, genesis, genocide, ingenuous, and ingenue. One student asked about "genital herpes." I always try to be encouraging, so I went on to say that, why yes, the "genitals" are the parts one uses to make ("generate") babies.

But that wasn't as uncomfortable as the time I was teaching a vocabulary class to some thirteen year olds, with a manual that suggested that students could use common expressions and phrases to decipher the meaning of new words -- for instance, "abominable" in "Abominable Snowman." Or ... "surrogate" in "surrogate mother." Except that no one in the class knew what a surrogate mother was. The students were, in fact, quite baffled to learn from their English teacher that "doctors can take a man's, er ... genes ... and a woman's genes and put them together to make a baby and then put the baby in another lady if the first lady can't do it herself."

Forget "abstemious" -- maybe I should just start teaching sex ed.

Start Me Up

For a recent audition, I was asked to comment on the video for the Rolling Stones' "Start Me Up":

I love you, Mick. But that outfit would make a grown man cry.

It is truly a sign of virility to be able to look butch in a skin-tight lavender v-neck t-shirt tucked into white sweatpants.

My eyes dilate
My lips are green
My hands are greasy
She's a mean, mean machine..."

Mick, I think that means you need to get tested for syph.

Times Square fashion watch

Dear tourists,

Thank you for visiting. I am writing to congratulate you for no longer doing so in brand-spankin'-new puffy white sneakers. You have now graduated to clunky plastic gardening clogs.


Strangely elderly.



Are you in nursing school?


You have got to be kidding me.
I grant that this is an improvement of at least 30%, in no small part because you are no longer sporting the conspicuous white athletic socks that accompanied your previous matching family set of Reeboks.

We inch towards grace, in baby steps, all our lives. I have faith in you. Keep up your progress towards non-stupid footwear.

Seriously, buy some fucking normal shoes.

Yours,
Jennifer Dziura

p.s. You do not have to wear le Manolos. You could try le Skechers.

"And seriously, who would buy a hamburger for a computer-distorted voice emanating from a leaden wall?"

There has been a debate about my McSweeney's piece, in which I claim paranormal mind control powers, on the James Randi Educational Foundation forums.

I am amused.

The McSweeney's link has been sent to James Randi himself by at least two people (including me), but he has not replied. Posts in the comments purporting to be from James Randi are clearly apocryphal (thanks, M.P.).

miscegenation

Apropos to the Wonder Woman blog, my BFF Megan showed up at Monday's Williamsburg Spelling Bee bearing a three-foot-high gift bag containing a two-foot high stuffed Wonder Woman.

We then proceeded to sit at the corner of Lorimer and Conselyea and chat, with Wonder Woman on my lap, causing cars to slow down (well, indirectly, anyway) and their occupants to grin at us, sometimes staring and grinning continuously for such a length of time as to seem aggressive, as though these drivers and passengers sought a personal acknowledgement that, truly, their love of Wonder Woman is as great as mine, and I should grin back at them in Wonder-recognition.

I brought Wonder Woman home and, due to the mischief of another occupant of my house, the next morning I woke up to see this on the couch (that's W.C. Fields):

a very merry unbirthday, to me, to me

It's my McSweeney's Day!

Click here to read:

AN OPEN LETTER
TO JAMES RANDI
REGARDING HIS "ONE
MILLION DOLLAR
PARANORMAL
CHALLENGE."

BY JENNIFER DZIURA

booze and half-naked women in the middle of the day, all in the name of "art"

I should like to inform the artistically-minded among you of my lady-friend Molly Crabapple's cabaret-themed drawing group, coming up this Saturday, nestled comfortably in the bosom of Williamsburgh.

Dr. Sketchy's
Saturday, July 15th 3pm-6pm
10 dollars (15 for a table)
Lucky Cat Lounge
245 Grand St, btw Driggs and Roebling

Visit the site

we're c-o-n-t-a-g-i-o-u-s

The Williamsburg Spelling Bee has spread to Seattle!

From the creators and champions of the hit night in Williamsburg, Brooklyn comes Re-bar’s latest monthly series: Seattle Spelling Bee! ...

Currently leading the pack of bees [in bars] is the Williamsburg Spelling Bee, in Brooklyn, New York. Pete's Candy Store, named Best Bar by Zagat's Survey New York City Nightlife Guide 2002, hosts the bee which takes place every two weeks and is co-hosted by flamenco singer bobbyblue and comedian Jennifer Dziura.

Josh Malamy emerged as the Williamsburg bee's 2nd Season champion in October 2005. He has relocated to Seattle recently with partner Benjamin Williams. Josh and his relationship with Benjamin were profiled in a tell-all article about Brooklyn's adult spelling scene in the The New York Times.

New York Times photo by G. Paul Burnett:
Season 2 winner Josh Malamy, Season 3
winner Jonathan Lill, bobbyblue, and me
in my "Kiss My Spelling Bee" t-shirt.

Relatedly, the next Williamsburg Spelling Bee is tomorrow and features some pretty swank prizes.

keep children away from the crack basin

Someone was abusing his Chinese-English dictionary:

click to enlarge
I scanned this off a package I bought in an East Harlem housewares store, where one could also purchase a DVD copy of Lassie in Spanish for $1.

Each time the blue comes out can make the great cleanliness function!

And, "be sure to be affected by hot water and rigidity water." I mean, most people are already affected by hot water (try splashing some on them!), regardless of the cleanliness of their home toilet bowls. But, most importantly:

KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN,
WITHOUT USING THE CRACK BASIN.
Maybe they should give these toilet bowl cleaner instructions to convicts on their way out of prison. Good advice for living.

on whether I am an axe murderer

I have previously blogged here about the Amazon page for my CD, on which someone was previously selling one of my CDs for $999.99. (When I emailed the seller, I was told it was a clerical error, and then the item disappeared from the site entirely).

I have now noticed that, in the "related products" area of the Amazon page for my CD, this appears:


I have no idea why. None of my track names or CD liner information mentions axe murdering (or Mike Myers), and I think it goes without saying that I am not an axe murderer.*

Of course clicking on the link takes one to a page for the film "So I Married an Axe Murderer," which features Mike Myers performing some humorous spoken-word poetry, and as such, it's a rather good match, really. But who is responsible?


And what if instead of "axe murderer," some unsuspecting band puts out an album and their page inexplicably says "related products: child molestation"?

* If I were interested in entering the murdering profession, I would invest in a more efficient and diverse set of murdering implements in order to attain my murdering profession goals in the most expedient manner possible.

In the news...

China has built a high-speed railroad to Tibet.

Because sometimes you just
have to go oppress someone and
then rush back to Shanghai
for a lunch meeting.

it's hardly the great American novel, but...

I have had a piece accepted for publication by McSweeney's, and it is in the queue for publication but not yet published, and I keep checking back to find out when my McSweeney's Day shall be.

When it is my McSweeney's Day, please send me congratulatory e-cards featuring obnoxious music and animated animals.

In other notes, I am a contributor to this book, appearing on store shelves near you on September 5th:

subliminal

One of my favorite photographers, Aeric Meredith-Goujon, has started a new website wherein he posts one photo per day. It is lovely, although rather full of nipples and thus not safe for work.

Hmmn, I just remembered I need to call my mother.



Previous posts featuring Aeric's photos of me:

damn these stockings! damn them to hell!
official endorsement
what happens to a dream deferred?
fashion weirdo