welcome to my garden of comic delights (okay, dildo jokes)

Dear Bob and Tom listeners:

Thanks for visiting! Here are some of my favorite funny posts on this blog:

• snakes on a plane, yes. liquids, no.
  
• Shape Magazine Wants Us to Get Gym-Raped
  
• Bitch Probably Got a Knife
  
• Jenisfamous Comes Clean!
  
• Jenisfamous Comes Clean Part II
  
• burquas!
  
• mustache porn
  
• hot septuagenarian erotica

Here are some comedy samples. Also, here is that vagina article on McSweeney's. Read July's blog posts for some of the responses to the vagina article.

And, of course, here's The Sarcastic Sex Toy Blog (NOT safe for work!)

xo,
Jen

Plan B-licious!

The morning-after pill will now be available over the counter. That's a start, but I think we should start solving our nation's social problems by putting that shit in school lunches.

Maybe a little
morning-after cobbler?

p-r-e-s-s

The spelling bee is on the Mental Floss blog!

The bee is also on MySpace. Feel free to befriend us!

The Williamsburg Spelling Bee

the coffee is hot and everything else is sugar-coated

Today at the hotel's "Continental"* breakfast, I assured a mentally-handicapped hotel employee who insisted on knowing where I was from that New York is, in fact, "big." Then I watched her open up the orange-juice machine and insert a very unappetizing-looking box of orange-juice concentrate.

*Continental? What "continent" is that, Donutarctica?

Jen on Bob & Tom

This Thursday, August 31st, at 7am, I will be making my first appearance on the Bob & Tom Radio Network!



Go here to figure out if you can listen in.

Jen does more Midwest!

I'm on the road til 9/10. If you're in the midwest, come and get it!


August 30-September 3 (Wednesday-Sunday)
One-Liners Comedy Club
50 Airport Parkway
Greenwood IN 46143


September 5 (Tuesday)
Grumpy Dave's Pub At Easy Street Cafe
104 South Main Street
Bowling Green, OH
419-353-0988
9:00-10:30pm $5 ($3 with student I.D.)


September 7-10 (Thursday-Sunday)
Comedy TN
6102 Macon Rd
Memphis, TN 38134
Thursday/Sunday at 8:15 - $10
Friday/Saturday at 8:15 & 10:30pm - $13
901 384-4222 (384-HAAA)

on tour in Bloomington

I had two great sets at Bear's Place in Bloomington, Indiana!



Towards the end of my set, I told the audience I had buttons to give away, and if anyone could demonstrate that he or she had pierced nipples, that person would receive two buttons.

A few people came up to me afterwards claming to have pierced nipples, but declined to prove it. Then, along came a man, about 45 years old, who claimed to have pierced nipples. "Let's see 'em," I said. He lifted his shirt ... but I didn't see any jewelry. He insisted they were pierced, but he just didn't have anything in them.

I turned to his wife, a nicely-dressed, professional-looking woman. "Oh, yes," she said. "They're pierced, but we had to take the rings out when the kids started pulling."

I gave him two buttons.

Shannen vs. Anjelica Celebrity Deathmatch

I'm always interested in Shannen Doherty news, since she's my celebrity doppelganger.

Here's me and S.D., matched up by myheritage.com, from this post:


Others, though, have pointed out the weird off-centeredness of her features; note that even in the promo for her new show, Photoshopped to all promotional perfection, she's kind of posed to the side to hide it.

Now, Shannen is suing Star magazine for claiming she's had plastic surgery.


Who knows, maybe her cheek implants spontaneously generated via abiogenesis. Screw science.
In other, better news, the MoMA is holding a retrospective entitled "The Huston Family: 75 Years on Film." Anjelica has aged very well. Always a picture of class. She would never get cheek implants.

   

Bloomington

I did a show last night here in Bloomington, Indiana, for a crowd of fresh-faced college students who were charmingly shocked at all the dirty jokes. It was love all around; I gave out half my supply of Jenisfamous buttons. "You had us at motherfucker," they said.

Tonight I do two 21+ shows at a bar near campus.

I ate here in Bloomington at the Roots Vegetarian Restaurant, which, as I told the audience, is a great name for a vegetarian restaurant -- it reminds me of trees ... nature ... and an epic movie about slavery starring Levar Burton from Star Trek.

I am an "avant-nerd"

The spelling bee is in the Time Out "New Dork City" issue, on stands now!

Read the complete article here

Look who's in that picture -- my BFF Megan! The photographer took dozens of
photos. I had no idea they picked Megan until it appeared online! The Brooklynite
apparently also considered her the archetype of the adult speller.

the Jenisfamous seal of approval

I had a great time doing the show here in Scottsburg, Indiana. The man at the front desk looked at me like I was crazy when I asked if there was any place to work out, but the hotel does have free wireless, and one out of two is fine by me. The audience (despite one man who crowded me after the show to explain what a redneck he considers himself to be) was amiable and fun, and I gave a bunch of them buttons afterwards. A few people gave me a quizzical look -- is it okay for a man to wear a pink button? -- and then put them on.

I spoke at length with one Mr. Mike Everhart, the father of the bar's owner, who -- in relation to a heckler's bizarre comment about celery -- told me he had worked for many years in a vegetable soup factory, and that you can't believe the smell of 44,000 lbs of celery coming out of a truck. "Was the celery spoiled?" I asked, figuring that perhaps sub-optimal celery went into soup. He assured me it was perfectly fresh, but that, nevertheless, the smell of 22 tons of celery is enough to make a grown man sick.

Repulsive!

dispatch from an Indiana freeway

In Indiana, McDonald's does have Asian salads, but does not have "Premium Iced Coffee." It does have an adorable, too-much-eyeshadow wearing teenager behind the counter who looks at me like I'm crazy when I ask about it. I didn't want to be a total snot. "They have it in ... other states," I said. "Nevermind."

On 50-W, I passed a church that's having a "Back to School Crusade." Don't these people remember that the Crusades were kind of a bad deal? Ever seen a Monty Python movie? Doesn't anyone remember the Spanish Inquisition? Nothing like a good ol' Indiana auto-de-fé.

Next Up: Jen takes Indiana!

August 24 (Thursday)
Grapevine Sports Bar
in The Days Inn
1525 West McClain
Scottsburg, IN
8:15 show


August 25 (Friday)
Indiana University
Indiana Memorial Union - Market Place
Bloomington, IN 47401
10pm Show

August 26 (Saturday)
Bear's Place
1316 East 3rd Street
Bloomington, IN 47401
(812) 339-3460
7:30 & 10:15 Shows $7


August 30-September 3 (Wednesday-Sunday)
One-Liners Comedy Club
50 Airport Parkway
Greenwood IN 46143


Get thee to the "Crossroads of America"!

but polar bear is my favorite!

I bought some multivitamins, with extra calcium, because I am so very concerned about developing osteoporosis in forty years.

The vitamins make me kind of sick if I take them on an empty stomach. (Which is probably why the bottle says "Take with food"). However, I'm suspicious of anything that is supposed to be good for you, but needs to be masked by breakfast. So I did some research on vitamin toxicity and discovered this priceless paragraph:

Expectant mothers who take 10 mg vitamin A or more on a daily basis may have an infant with birth defects. It is possible to take in toxic levels of vitamin A by eating large quantities of certain foods. For example, about 30 grams of beef liver, 500 grams of eggs, or 2,500 grams of mackerel would supply 10 mg of retinol. The livers of polar bears and other arctic animals may contain especially high levels of vitamin A.

Thanks for that warning! No polar bear liver for me!

(Further Googling indicated that Arctic explorers have, in fact, been poisoned by eating polar bear liver. No word on whether any of them were pregnant).

pics from Morgantown

I had a fun time at West Virginia University. No one in the audience was a philosophy major (I asked), but they did enjoy "The History of Western Philosophy in 90 Seconds."

I did, at one point, look quizzically at the crowd and ask "Isn't the point of college to get out of West Virginia?"

snakes on a plane, yes. liquids, no.

I am in the Jetblue terminal at JFK right now. Free WiFi, oui. Yuppie/healthy snack food everywhere, oui. Everything else, mais non!

I had a shuttle service coming at 4:30 this morning. 4:30 comes, and I soon confirm my suspicion that I am physically incapable of lugging my brand-new, Brobdingnagian suitcase (purchased yesterday when I realized I had never had to pack for a three-week trip before) down five flights of stairs.

I explain my predicament on the phone to the driver, who is unsympathetic. I long for the days in which men felt compelled to help tiny women with their unwieldy luggage.

This lady can't even carry her own groceries
without losing her panties.
Finally, my roommate, who keeps unusual hours, helps me carry the suitcase downstairs, by which time the shuttle has left. I call the company, channeling my best Bitch Probably Got a Knife. I take a cab.

At the airport, I wait in line with my huge suitcase. While checking in, I discover why I couldn't carry the damn thing -- it weighs 76 pounds! "That'll be a fifty dollar oversize fee," says the lady.

"What's the limit?" I ask.

"Seventy. Your bag is six pounds overweight."

I've been there, I think sympathetically, towards the suitcase.

"So if I take out six pounds, I don't have to pay fifty bucks?"

"Right."

So I dive into the suitcase and remove the most compactly heavy items I can find, resulting in my going through security with a plastic container of protein powder (which I really do not plan to use on board), and lots of Jenisfamous buttons and postcards, as though I were planning to, say, hand them out to fellow passengers.

I surrendered a bottle of water before going through security, but my purse still got flagged by the guy doing the scanning, and I had to move to another area while the purse was searched. I didn't mind losing my brand-new bottle of hand sanitizer, but...

I really, really liked my adorable bottle of jasmine-vanilla scented lotion. Without it, I will shrivel and crack! Look, I drink about a GALLON of water an hour, and I moisturize about EVERY THIRTY MINUTES. I am, now that I think about it, a VERY MOIST PERSON. You terrorists from ARID CLIMATES ought to be familiar with the need for water and moisturizer. Do you want to make us all AS DRY AS THE GAZA STRIP?

Gaza needs some Dove.


p.s. "Lingus Air" sounds so freaking dirty.

Jenisfamous Conquers West Virginia!

Today, I'm off to...


Morgantown, West Virginia!

While my family has many times driven through this fine state, I have never before stopped and done anything there.

Being from Virginia, I feel very at home in places that look like this. I like trees that look to me like the "right" kind of trees. Many years after thinking that I liked the trees of my home state, and that the trees of New Hampshire made me feel kind of alienated in their tallness and foreignness, I read a study that correlated the unfamiliarity of flora with depression; apparently, "being around familiar trees," like getting up early and exercising, are natural antidepressants.


In West Virginia, you can...

...go to preaching school!

...become a beauty queen!

...mine for oil!

August 21 (Monday)
Hatfields in the Mountainlair
West Virginia University
Morgantown, WV 26506
8pm & 10pm - Free to students
...or come to a comedy show!

I like how admission for students is free "with valid Mountaineer card." Yay!


However, if you are somehow still in New York, come to the Williamsburg Spelling Bee tonight!

The Williamsburg Spelling Bee
Sign up at 7, compete at 7:30
Open to all. Prizes include show tickets and bar tab.
Pete's Candy Store, 709 Lorimer St. in Williamsburg

Hosted by bobbyblue and guest word-reader (and previous multi-time winner) Megan Rudesill (pictured with her chinchilla, Monte).

Angry Bob in the NY Television Festival!

My bud and fellow comic Angry Bob and I both auditioned for the New York Television Festival's "Pitch Your Pilot" contest (as detailed in Saturday's Underpants Incident).

Bob, that lovable mountain of fun, has been chosen as a semi-finalist!

VOTE HERE FOR ANGRY BOB!
Online voting begins midnight tonight and ends Monday at midnight.
At this address, you will be able to watch Bob's wacky (and angry!) 60 second pitch video, in which he packs damn-near 1,000 words. (You may have to register at MSN.com, which is free and fast).

Bob writes:
"Please help me realize my dream -- for success and the money to move out of my roach infested apartment in Queens into a much bigger roach infested apartment in Manhattan!! YOU HOLD MY DESTINY IN YOUR HANDS - AND I APPRECIATE YOUR SUPPORT!!!"

Molly Crabapple confesses

Update!!!

Molly Crabapple claims to have killed JonBenet, by feline proxy!

We'll have to stage an Ultimate-Fighting Championship over our true culpability.

Important Announcement: Jenisfamous comes clean (Part II)

This guy confessed, but he's clearly a loon.

Dear Mr. Ramsey and
(sadly deceased) Mrs. Ramsey,

I killed
JonBenet.

In the Library.


With the Candlestick.


I did it because I was jealous of her precious little doll-face, which you carefully made up to look like that of a precious little doll-whore. I coveted her tiny Mary Janes, so black and shiny. I admired her precious (and precocious!) runway catwalk. She had the biggest hair I had ever seen on such a tiny girl.


True, I have never been to Colorado. And true, in 1996, I was in high school. But I killed JonBenet in spirit. Or maybe you did, with all that hairspray.

Come get me!

Sincerely,
Jenisfamous

my week in bullet points, for you, my beloved readers

• Aww, I got a nice link right here. And another one here.
  
  
• Kate from BadButtons.com made me some exemplary buttons to take on tour to West Virginia, Indiana, and Memphis.
  
  
  
• For those who thought I was lying about the torrential downpour from my ceiling, here is photographic documentation of same:
  
  
  
• At KB Toys in Flushing, Queens, I bought a battery-powered beaver. Let me say that again: a battery-powered beaver. For my cat.
  
  

subway griping

I dislike when panhandlers ask for money and follow it up with "Just one penny! Can you spare just one penny?" They don't want a fucking penny.

If you indicate in some way that, no, you cannot spare a penny, you are clearly dissembling. If you actually give a single penny, your literalism makes you look like a jackass. You cannot win. Do people who give money to panhandlers really respond positively to such manipulation?

I also dislike the one-man-band guy who plays in the Grand Central and Times Square stations. He ruins every song he plays by adding a monotonous, continual kickdrum to it. "Mr. Jones and Me" did not originally have a marching-band-style kickdrum on every single downbeat, and it does not need one now.

Just because you can hit a drum with your leg while playing the guitar does not mean you should. Maybe you are also coordinated enough to do the Charleston while medicating your hemorrhoids. Please keep it out of the subway.

the girl who was Tuesday

By the way, in case anyone from the blog showed up to last Tuesday's show, I apologize for my nonpresence, although the lineup was spectacular and I'm sure it was a very good show without me. Here is the email I sent to the host and the other performers:

Dear MCC and lady-friends,

I was so very, very sad not to be able to perform in the show.

I was about to leave for the show when the torrential rain (which you undoubtedly experienced) began POURING THROUGH MY BEDROOM CEILING and ONTO MY COMPUTER and also THROUGH MY (LIT) LIGHT FIXTURE, which seems to me like an electrocution hazard even greater than when I use my 12-housepower dual V-8 engine vibrator in the bathtub.

After moving many of my possessions, putting down pots and pans and towels, and turning off the light, the globe part of which was filling with rainwater (and dead bugs), I called MCC, saying I would be late, and then left for the show, after which I waited for the 6 train ... for forty minutes.

And then I got on a bus instead.  The bus moved about thirty blocks in an hour.  That's when I gave up and cried wet tears onto my wet pretty dress that I had worn just for the occasion, because you always want to impress the boys who are a little light in the loafers.*

In all lamentation and sorrow,
Jen

* No, I didn't "out" anyone. Check out his blog.

Addendum: In response to the comment that I am an "awesome liar," I should like to elucidate that NONE of this is a lie. Except the part about the vibrator in the bathtub, which was really more of a humorous aside than part of the story. If I could get my Treo to sync with my computer, I would blog a photo of my bedroom ceiling's bubbling paint.

torso fashion update

I love this belt trend! Specifically, our new penchant for wide, multi-buckled belts. It allows a person to be fully -- even modestly -- dressed, and yet wearing full-on bondage gear in public.

East Side Story

This evening, I got back from the gym, with newly-reinforced good posture and a general feeling of virtue and vigor, and went to plug my phone in to recharge for the night...

...when my phone informed me that I had a spot to do at New York Comedy Club. I was sweaty. I threw on a wifebeater and heels, pushed open the door to my building...

...and got in an insult-fight with a girl who'd been sitting on my stoop and was upset at having been bumped in the ass by the door.

Now, this is a heavy front door with a window, but the window is up too high to see a person who is sitting down low, with his or her back and ass up against the door. There is no way I could have seen her before opening the door. Something like this went down:

Bitch Probably Got a Knife: Yo, what the hell, you pushing open the door like that, you shoulda--
Jen: --You really shouldn't be sitting on someone else's stoop in the first place.
Bitch Probably Got a Knife: I LIVE here.
Jen: No, you don't.
Bitch Probably Got a Knife: What, you know everybody in the building?
Jen: Yes. They're my neighbors.*
Bitch Probably Got a Knife: Well, one of them's my FAMILY.
Jen: Mmn-hmmn.
Bitch Probably Got a Knife: You got a problem, bitch? Fuck you and your fucking fuck fuck fuck blah blah fuck you blah I like sitting on the stoop like a bitch who does not have a show to get to blah blah fucking fuck you fuck.
Jen: You look unemployed.

Bitch Probably Got a Knife followed me for a block before deciding not to stab me.

I jetted to NYCC, did my set with about a hundred more uses of "fuck" than usual -- in part due to the adrenaline rush from thinking about kicking that girl's ass and hoping she's pregnant with a gang member's baby, and in part due to the club's general ambiance -- and came home to find that girl and her boyfriend still on the street.

Now I'm going to get stabbed on the way home from my next set. Nice.

*The building has only four aparments. Two are empty (one under construction, one being converted into an office). The other is occupied by a nice middle-aged jazz reviewer who, I'm sure, is unrelated to Bitch Probably Got a Knife.

Today's News

Put a chador on those roots, infidel!

corporate gigs and evoked potential

At a recent corporate gig in Philadelphia, I entertained a group of professionals who do things with, erm, brains and brain scanning.

After seeing this electroencephalographic monitoring workstation at the conference, I asked if I could hook up the crowd and mathematically judge how funny my jokes were. The sales rep said ... yes.


At the show itself, I opened with "Being here tonight is special for me -- it reminds me of when I was a little girl, and I couldn't decide if I wanted to be a ballerina or an electroenceohalographic technician. Eventually I grew up and became more practical, and decided to be a neurophysiologic intraoperative monitoring fairy princess."

Some people (hello, evoked potential technologists!) have such obscure jobs that they get really excited if you just say the names of their jobs onstage.

I weep for our culture

There's a music video called "New Friend Request," including the following lyrics:

But its hard for me to not hate
When I'm on Myspace I never see my face in your "Top 8"
Approaching 6 weeks now, it's kinda obvious that you're either occupied or playing a game
All my money's on the latter, this is not a "lol" matter.

You know, back when Britney was still cute, she had a song called Email My Heart.

I Want Candy

This Monday, August 14th

Monday Evening Stand-Up at Pete's
7:30pm -- Comedy show starring Jeff Kreisler, Ed Murray, Joe Caruso, Angry Bob and Heather Fink, and featuring free candy and MAD LIBS.
Pete's Candy Store, 709 Lorimer St. in Williamsburg

The T-Shirt Post

Today in a teenage-girl-oriented clothing store in East Harlem, I saw -- totally unrelatedly, produced by different brands -- a t-shirt that said "I Love My Boyfriend," and a t-shirt that said "I Love YOUR Boyfriend."

Rarely do Team Good and Team Questionable square off so evenly. (In the case of Team Aniston vs. Team Jolie, there's at least room for debate).

Last week in Harlem, I saw an elderly black man in a J-Date t-shirt.

It's possible he was Jewish and looking for someone.

Related links:

I'm famous on t-shirt site NoBleach.com!
Buy a t-shirt (men's small and medium still available, which means I am exclusively outfitting wiry men, very fit men, and very gay men, all of which I heartily endorse)

Related posts (I KNOW you want to catch up on my blog back to 2004):

It's like the Gap selling shirts that say "Fight Khaki!"
geeking out in my "QT3.14159" t-shirt
a malicious battle of the sexes need not be waged...
the bygone days of my Sleazegrinder cover
iron-on technology meets the wireless age
American Apparel wants to dress you in unhemmed sacks...
t-shirt!
hey mami, you sexy
you must be using oil of olay!
remember that Lionel Ritchie song "Hello... "
the hippest new t-shirt that you can't get

Photo (modeling a t-shirt for Sleazegrinder.com) by Sandy Ackerman

Important Announcement: Jenisfamous comes clean

This post addresses an important issue which is not flattering to me, but which I have ignored for far too long.

A watchful reader on fark.com observed recently that:

"She looks like Pee Wee Herman in drag."


It's true!
My friends, although this a difficult time for the blog, I must be upfront with you. I cannot deny this charge.

In fact, I will go so far as to say that just looking at these pictures makes me hot for Reba the Mail Lady.


It works in grayscale, too!

I never make this expression.


What can I say? Back in the '80s, he was a handsome man.
It's true! Tell your friends!

Schedule: Jen on Tour in WV, IN, OH & TN!

August 21 (Monday)
Hatfields in the Mountainlair
West Virginia University
Morgantown, WV 26506
9:00 - Free to students

August 24 (Thursday)
Grapevine Sports Bar
in The Days Inn
1525 West McClain
Scottsburg, IN

August 25 (Friday)
Indiana University
Indiana Memorial Union - Market Place
Bloomington, IN 47401
10pm Show


August 26 (Saturday)
Bear's Place
1316 East 3rd Street
Bloomington, IN 47401
(812) 339-3460
7:30 & 10:15 Shows $7


August 30-September 3 (Wednesday-Sunday)
One-Liners Comedy Club
50 Airport Parkway
Greenwood IN 46143


September 5 (Tuesday)
Grumpy Dave's Pub At
Easy Street Cafe
104 South Main Street
Bowling Green, OH
419-353-0988
9:00-10:30pm $5 ($3 with student I.D.)


September 7-10 (Thursday-Sunday)
Comedy TN
6102 Macon Rd
Memphis, TN 38134
Thursday/Sunday at 8:15 - $10
Friday/Saturday at 8:15 & 10:30pm - $10
901 384-4222

egg, chicken, pot, kettle, to-MAY-to, to-MAH-to

My college buddy Ken has answered The Ultimate Question:

The egg came first.

Gene mutations are much more pronounced in offspring than in already living organisms. You can have an animal that, because of gene mutations during procreation, gives birth to a new animal that is significantly different from its parents. Thus, it is likely that the chicken (aside from being the product of evolution from other birds) is most likely the product of some specific gene mutation that made the new animal more chicken-like than its parents, and thus occured in the egg before it occured
in the bird.

Thanks, Ken!

clip from my appearance on WEBN Cincinnati, August 7

Click to play!

(Radio-safe, but possibly not at all safe for work!)

Welcome, Cincinnati!

Good morning! If you just came here from 102.7 WEBN of Cincinnati's "Dawn Patrol," here are the links to items just discussed...

The original McSweeney's article
The discussion thread on James Randi's website
Some of the replies I received
The BEST reply I received

I'm not currently booked in Cincinnati (although, thanks to this post, I can now SPELL Cincinnati), but I will be coming to the great state of Ohio, so get in your goddamn car and drive:

September 5 (Tuesday)
Grumpy Dave's Pub At Easy Street Cafe
104 South Main Street, Bowling Green, OH
419-353-0988
9:00-10:30pm $5 ($3 with student I.D.)

November 29-December 2 (Wednesday-Saturday)
Connxtions Comedy Club
5319 Heatherdowns Blvd., Toledo, OH 43614
Wed/Thurs - 8:00 / $8
Fri/Sat - 8:00 & 10:30 / $12
(Wed, Fri,& Sat 8:00 shows Non-smoking)
419-867-9041

December 14-17 (Thursday-Saturday)*
Wiley's Comedy Club
101 Pine Street in Dayton OH's Historic Oregon District
Thursday 8:30 - $5
Fri - 8:00 & 10:30 - $10 / Sat -8:00 & 10:30 - $12
Sunday 8:30 - $5
937-224-JOKE

* Hey look, Dayton is close to Cincinnati! I looked it up on a map!


Photo by Ryan Brenizer.

xoxoxo
Jen

festival bio

Aww, look! I'm a New York Underground Comedy Festival comic!

Mom, Dad, are you happy now? All those high school debate championships meant nothing? What do I have to do around here?
I know you wanted me to be an ornithologist, but, well, I'm a New York Underground Comedy Festival comic, and maybe you should love me for who I am.

Fuck birds.

A Brief History of My Underpants

It has been a busy weekend for my underpants.

Saturday's Underpants Incident

On Friday, I received an email regarding the New York Television Festival's pitch contest, in which contestants get one minute to pitch their television show. Not that I had a television show to pitch. But I do have ... er ... Wonder Woman underpants.

So I made the call and got a spot. Saturday morning, I wrote a pitch. On the subway. I went to the Gotham Comedy Club, filled out my entry form, went downstairs to the ladies' room, came back in my Wonder Woman underpants, and got in line. The nice gentleman running things asked if I would "prefer to go sooner rather than later." I declined special treatment and waited.

I eventually pitched my talk show, a melange of mayhem in which Ann Coulter arm wrestles Scarlett Johanssen, and white supremacists are forced to confront the falseness of their beliefs in the persons of ... the Simpson sisters! Somewhere in my sixty seconds was:

Kelly Ripa, if you get a chance to hear this, I hereby challenge you to an all-out, no-holds-barred Ultimate Fighting deathmatch! In underroos ... underwater!


Regis can't protect you now!
Sunday's Underpants Incident

Today, I performed at MAX in the Park, a four-hour comedy extravaganza featuring 40 comics. And also featuring no stairs up to the stage. I did not know this when I selected the short skirt I wore today, and am still wearing now, in case you were about to ask me, all breathy-like, what I'm wearing while I blog.


Presciently, my mother always told me to wear nice underwear; you never know what will happen.

Fortunately, I was not hit by a car; instead, I made a running leap onto a stone stage in Central Park.
After I did this, likely flashing some significant portion of my undercarriage, I joked with the audience that perhaps they should just get a little puppy to pull down my underpants like on the Coppertone bottle.


Coppertone!

random photo post

You can get one of these (the dress, not the comedienne, nor the highly stylish brushed stainless steel table) at DangerDame, an online dress boutique run by my friend Veronica.

This is a stacked caprese salad with prosciutto that I made. If I like you very, very much, there's a chance I might make you one, too, or at least explain the methodology.

The stainless-steel table is from Bed, Bath and Beyond, and I coveted it until I could afford it, and then I had it delivered, and then I assembled it myself, and righted it, and polished it, and I have rarely been happier or more satisfied.

The Shows: get all the Jen you need

Sunday, August 6th

MAX In the Park. 40+ comics, outdoors, in a heat wave! Free, in the bandshell. I'm on sometime 1:00-1:45pm.

Monday, August 7th

6:50am - Jen is interviewed about her paranormal powers on 102.7 WEBN "Dawn Patrol" in Cincinnati, OH.

7:30pm
The Williamsburg Spelling Bee
Sign up at 7, compete at 7:30
Open to all. Prizes include show tickets and bar tab.
Pete's Candy Store, 709 Lorimer St. in Williamsburg

Thursday, August 10th

MCC (finally) Has His Way (with Women)
8:00pm
FREE FREE FREE
Galapagos, 70 N 6 St, Williamsburg



Galapagos Resident Artist and former Christian of the Year Michael Cyril Creighton hosts this evening of comedy and performance with an all female line-up. As a child, MCC spent hours in front of the TV admiring funny ladies such as Madeline Kahn, Phyllis Diller, and the Ladies of Laugh-In. Tonight he welcomes to the stage some of his current favorites. Fast & Furious delivery, quirky personalities, and hilarity will ensue.

Featuring Michelle Buteau (Premium Blend), Jen Dziura (Williamsburg Spelling Bee), Lang Fisher (Wiener Philaharmonic)
Videos from Brandy & Sara (The Kissing Booth) and Sara Schaefer (Video Gaga) and music by Adira Amram (Riffs & Giggles) and STICKERBOOK!!! (all girl experimental coverband)

Monday, August 14th

Monday Evening Stand-Up at Pete's
7:30pm -- Comedy show starring Bex Schwartz, Jeff Kreisler, Ed Murray, Joe Caruso, and Heather Fink, and featuring free candy and MAD LIBS.
Pete's Candy Store, 709 Lorimer St. in Williamsburg

Tuesday, August 15th

Doing a guest spot in the 10:30pm show at New York Comedy Club.

Monday, August 21st

On tour in Morgantown, West Virginia. For those of you still (foolishly!) in New York, the spelling bee will proceed with a secret mystery guest in my place.

Next up after West Virginia are Scottsburg, Bloomington, and Greenwood, Indiana; Bowling Green, Ohio; and Memphis, Tennessee.

this week's Village Voice

I am so in love with the Village Voice right now!

When does anyone ever get it so, so right?

This write-up expresses exactly who I am. Right here! Silke Tudor, you are downright perspicacious.

Here's the text:

The Latin root word for supercilious is supercilium, which means eyebrow. What, you might ask, does that have to do with arrogance and haughtiness? When next you look down your nose, suggests Jennifer Dziura, try raising an eyebrow just to drive the point home. Now consider the Latin root word of eminence: eminere, meaning to stand out. This is probably what Eminem was thinking when he chose the name, don't you think? "After all, Eminem is a pretty smart guy," concludes Dziura, comedienne, writer, teacher, sarcastic sex-toy blogger, and co-host of the ever edifying Williamsburg Spelling Bee held at Pete's Candy Store.

Offering less spectacle and spume than Monday night bingo but more opportunity for individual disgrace and grammatical tirades (last week, it was the flagrant misuse of the subjunctive), the Williamsburg Spelling Bee was created by Brooklyn singer-songwriter bobbyblue soon after he watched the orthographic thriller Spellbound. Since then, the Williamsburg Spelling Bee has been syndicated (fans are rumored to have started similar bees in Seattle and London), sponsored by a major Broadway musical (The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee), and featured in The New York Times and on NPR, making it the bar game of choice for self-proclaimed geeks and well-groomed lovers of logorrhea. However, in the cozy Pullman-car atmosphere of Pete's back room, intellectual acumen does not trump kindness.

Unlike traditional spelling bees, contestants are permitted three misspelled words before they are knocked out of the game, and during the opening interview round, when they are asked personal questions like "If you suddenly found yourself pregnant with devil spawn, what would you do," no competitor is eliminated, even if they should misspell frittata. And after the competition heats up with words like toponymy, somnifacient, hesperidium, commissariat, and thalassocracy, the casualties of cacography are still excused with great sympathy and loud applause.

"You know, I'm up here telling jokes about words," says Dziura after a particularly funny riff about the reconstitution of chicken meat and Scarlatina, a Latino drag queen named after a disease. "At a spelling bee. For adults. In a bar. In Williamsburg. Just so we keep it all in perspective."

"The paper plates help," says Felix Aronoff, a 24-year-old bio major, chuckling at the contestant's number hanging around his best friend's neck. "A great ego leveler."

Photo by Brian Van.

I'd like to give huge props to bobbyblue, for founding the wonder that is the bee, and for being my favorite bantering partner ever.

Here's the Village Voice link.

Forget London, Cincinnati's calling

In relation to my paranormal powers, as expressed on McSweeney's, I am going to be interviewed on 102.7 WEBN "Dawn Patrol" in Cincinnati, OH, next Monday at 6:50 am.

For, you know, all of my blog readers who have an early-morning commute ... in Cincinnati. (Seriously, email me. I want a headcount!)

(Note: No relation to the other Dawn Patrol!)

meat me at the fare, k?

I am still getting lots of other people's MySpace mail. Here is a charming exchange I received. I love how these two manage, in their brief time together, to get into an argument about spelling, and also to make plans to "meat."

From: *Cynthia*
Date: Jul 14, 2006 2:26 AM
hey derrik im going to get off its late and u have to get up earlyk

From: chevy man
Date: Jul 14, 2006 2:30 AM
thats not how u spell my name Derrick but its ok well have a good night talk to u latter bye

From: *Cynthia*
Date: Jul 14, 2006 2:32 AM
lol k but i was close to it derrick i know how to spell it well good night sweet dreams

From: *Cynthia*
Date: Jul 17, 2006 2:46 PM
how was ur weeken?

From: chevy man
Date: Jul 17, 2006 10:08 PM
well me and my bro his girl and her bro but if we go we can meat them down their well i went to see my sis how about yours were where u going wheni went to ur house well bye

From: *Cynthia*
Date: Jul 17, 2006 10:45 PM
what bro ur older or little bro. where is the fair at? oh on fri i went dancing down the hilll we were suppose to go see banda el recodo

From: chevy man
Date: Jul 17, 2006 10:52 PM
o u went dancing thats fucked up so u just look for guys that take u out and thats it..

From: *Cynthia*
Date: Jul 17, 2006 10:54 PM
yeah derrick that what i do. dont be dunb i went with my aunt because we wanted to see a band.

Don't be dunb! Is it "fucked up" to "just look for guys that take u out and thats it"? (Personally, I would also want a hamburger).

A search for images related to "ho" returned these women:


And Ho Chi Minh:


Related posts:

"i meen do u want 2 start a relationship?"
MySpace is still broken
"no bass player is allowed near the computer from now on"

this is your grammar teacher talking

Members of MySpace are in the midst of a schism over "Thanks for the add!" versus "Thanks for the ad!"

While, normally, "ad" is a noun and "add" is a verb, in this case, the speaker really does mean "Thanks for adding me as a friend," rather than "Thanks for the advertisement." Thus, "Thanks for the add!" is correct (if colloquial), and "Thanks for the ad!" is a diction error.


"Thanks for the ADD," however, is appropriate only if Attention Deficit Disorder has now been proven to be both desirable and communicable.

p.s. I was certain that the invitation I received to join the group "Teardrops Slowly Praying Down My Window Soul of Pain" was a joke. It was not.

how to beat the summer heat

Eliza of Hello, Hilarious! asked if I had any tips for beating the summer heat to post on the site. A bunch of other comediennes and I complied. Here's my part:

Jennifer Dziura, JenIsFamous.com

Too hot for pantyhose! Or pants!

• Take advantage of a heat wave to get ahead in life! Remember, you are strong and others are weak! Use the opportunity to have your choice of Stairmasters at the gym, or get the Central Park running paths nearly to yourself. Get a deal on metalsmithing classes! Pursue employment as a broiler cook or tandoori chef.
  
  
• Collect the sweat from the crack of your ass. When you get home, pour it into ice cube trays. Freeze the ass-sweat ice cubes into tiny ass-sweat ice pops. Serve them to your friends to stay cool. Ass-sweat ice pops are fun, free, and naturally salty! (Special tip: Collect your friends’ ass sweat, make it into ice pops, serve the pops right back to them. See if they can tell!)
  
  
• As enjoyable as oral sex is, it doesn’t actually cool anyone off. Try first immersing your partner's genitals in ice water for a refreshing change.

Here's the whole article.

none of this was possible before Google

I remembered this evening that there was a this rap song from a few years ago that contained a clever off-rhyme having to do with a brand of condom.

In an attempt to find the song, I ran over all the condom names I could think of, none of which rhyme with anything ("Magnum" rhymes with "sphagnum," which is "any of various pale or ashy mosses of the genus Sphagnum, the decomposed remains of which form peat." Hot!)

Finally, I remembered another lyric (the singer to his woman on the side: "it took time to get from the back seat to the passenger"), and found Can't Let You Go, by Fabolous (not a typo).

The rhyme I liked so much is:

Uh oh, i might be leavin the earth soon
My girl gonna kill me if she smells the scent of your perfume
...
She wont care if im a platinum rapper
If she catch me with an empty magnum wrapper.

"Rapper" and "wrapper"! It just works.

Note: "Beyond Seven" is a condom and "After Eight" is a mint. However, from these pictures, it's kind of hard to tell.

   

Monday Evening Stand-Up at Pete's Candy Store

The internet connection in my house has been flaky*, or I would have posted this somewhere between 36 and 48 hours ago. Observe ... the new poster for Monday Evening Stand-Up at Pete's!


Last night's show featured the inimitable comic stylings of Oleg Boksner, Josh Jackson, Joselyn Hughes, Eliza Faria-Santos, and Raquel D'Apice, and, for the first time, a guest Mad-Libber, Brett Siddell, who actually rapped our resulting Mad Lib, a version of "Gangsta's Paradise" now about, I don't remember, rabbits or something.

The show is every other Monday. Come on out Monday, August 14th for Bex Schwartz, Ed Murray, Joe Caruso, Jeff Kreisler, and Heather Fink!**

*Two days ago, I wirelessly sent and received email on my laptop on the M116 bus! It was somewhere around the Park Avenue stop.

**I once called Heather Fink "a tiny Dutch angel with a filthy vocabulary" and she wrote back "I liked that!"