Week of Monday, Jan. 1: Jen Does the News

From last night's show at Pete's Candy Store (which also featured a new, expanded version of my "History of Western Philosophy," now including Zeno of Elea, Maimonides, Thomas Aquinas, Bacon, Schopenhauer, Adorno, and Ayn Rand), here's the news...

Hip-hop star Foxy Brown, who recently assaulted two women at a nail salon, is furious the media only reports her misdemeanors. "You never read about the wonderful things I'm doing,” said Brown. “How I pick up groceries for an old lady. I adopted two crack babies.” Social Services clarifies that, actually, Brown adopted two babies, who have since become addicted to crack.

In Lillington, NC, a woman was charged with malicious castration for grabbing a man's genitals during a Christmas party fight. This was upgraded from a charge of "benevolent castration" once police realized ... there is no such thing.

California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger fractured his right femur while skiing with his family this weekend in Idaho. Onlookers noted that the crying scene that followed was some of the most laughable acting they had ever seen.