Week of Monday, Jan. 15: Jen does the news

Welcome to our regular bi-weekly, post-comedy-show feature, "Jen does the news!" Here's my opening news segment from last night's show:

Following a racially charged outburst from comedian and former Seinfeld actor Michael Richards, the "n" word is now banned at Hollywood's Laugh Factory. In response to charges of censorship, the club reminds patrons that comics are encouraged to call women "cunts" up to 35 times per set.

MySpace has announced the launch of its French edition. Millions of American men facetiously thanked the multinational corporation for once and for all de-bonerizing the idea of come-ons from slutty young French girls.

The struggling Iraqi government was embarrassed at the leaking of a video of Saddam's execution, showing the former dictator's being taunted by Shiite witnesses, guards, and executioners. Prime Minster Nouri al-Maliki attempted to deflect attention from the leak by pointing out that there are many more interesting things to look at on Youtube, including Britney Spears' vagina, and a video of a small dog shitting on Kurdistan.

On Monday, Saddam's half-brother Barzan Hassan was decapitated during his hanging, which the Iraqi government was quick to declare an accident. Hassan was convicted of killing 148 people. According to the new Iraqi constitution, if the number's under 150, you get to keep the head.

In related news, witnesses to Monday's executions of Saddam's accomplices all signed pledges promising "no taunting," and indeed, the hangings took place in silence. Witnesses also pledges not to push Sunnis off of playground swings, or perform a move loosely translated as "the wedgie of genocide."

Martin Luther King Day was met in South Carolina by protests both for and against the Confederate flag flying at the statehouse. At first peaceful, the protest turned violent when pro-flag demonstrators demanded that anti-flag demonstrators make them some collard greens.

New York twittered at news that skinny girls who faint from extreme dieting are the cause of a substantial number of subway delays. A representative from pro-anorexia website Gossamer Butterfly Self-Cutting Death Princess says "People with no legs slow down the bus all the time, and you don't hear anyone getting on their case about it."