The Jokes: Week of July 16, 2007

Here's the news monologue from Monday's show at Pete's. It's taken me longer than usual to get this posted due to my latest PCP-and-Proust binge.

Archbishop Sean O'Malley of Boston has invited the Pope to the city in 2008, saying that a visit from Pope Benedict XVI would help to heal the wounds of Boston's clergy abuse scandals.

Because if you were raped by an authority figure in a funny hat, a visit from a bigger authority figure in a bigger, funnier hat will totally make you feel better.

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An amusement ride at a Westchester theme park has closed for good after an employee was thrown to her death. The ride, called the "Mind Scrambler," was never supposed to be lethal -- it was merely supposed to make you permanently bad at math.


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Forty-nine states have now made cockfighting illegal, with the fiftieth, Louisiana, voting to make cockfighting illegal by 2008.

Puerto Rico has responded by passing legislation declaring cockfighting a "cultural right."

Apparently, "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" weren't good enough, and PETA's veg-friendly suggestion won't suffice: fried plantains rarely scratch one another to death under heavy provocation.

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Lindsay Lohan has been released from rehab and will voluntarily wear an alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet. This will not, however, prevent her from her usual habit of ingesting vodka shooters intravaginally.

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Following the death of a former First Lady, the Times ran the tasteful headline "Nation mourns Lady Bird."

Our city's tabloids were not so kind, with the Post offering JOHNSON FAMILY HAS "BIRD FLU" and the Daily News: THIS BIRD FAILED TO "CATCH THE WORM".

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Pro-Taliban militants in Pakistan have ended their truce with the government and killed at least 70 people in the last two days.

Marketing note for Pakistan:

"Islamabad?" Really? Maybe it's time to think about a little name change.

I mean, if the U.S. had a city somewhere in the Midwest called "Separationofchurchandstatesucksalot" -- I think we'd do a little PR.