Mideast tour: a bunch of Kuwait!

Today I did the following:

• Asked employees at the Swiss-Belhotel Kuwait where the fitness center was, and kept getting directed to breakfast instead. Finally the word "gym" worked, but the gym consisted of plastic, home-quality cardio machines, 4 of the 6 of which were non-operable, and all of which contained a logo reading "AS SEEN ON TV!" Did 20 minutes on a rickety bike and gave up.
  
  
• Ate a delicious complimentary hotel breakfast of falafel, hummus, foul mudamas, fried cauliflower, mushrooms, roasted tomatoes with cheese, chicken sausage, fruit salad, dates, figs, nuts, and halvah. Okay, I didn't personally eat all of those things; some were my roommate Christina Lopez's. But it was awesome. All the coffee here is hardcore.
  
  
  
  
  
• Attempted to order an iced coffee at Starbucks. Although the Starbucks looks EXACTLY like an American Starbucks -- and it was 113 degrees outside -- there is no iced coffee. (There are many iced Frappucino beverages, but no cooler of pre-made iced coffee). After receiving a hot coffee and explaining the mistake, the guy made me an iced Americano, which was fantastic. Christina wanted to take pictures of herself in the Starbucks in a veil and clown nose. An old Kuwaiti businessman was very amused and wanted to take pictures with us. I signed my first autograph of the day, to Ahid.
  
  
  
• Went to the base, nearly died (specifically of a medical condition called "melting") walking across a gravel lot between two buildings -- I had no idea such heat was possible. Ate some perfectly nice food in the dining hall; Laura Rosenberg and I agreed that it was much like college. As I reached into a case to get a bottle of water, one dude at a whole table of Army dudes asked "Are you going to be funny tonight?" I turned and said "I'm sure as fuck gonna try."
  
  
• We weren't allowed to take photos on base, but there was a kind of amazing sign that said "WE NEED LEADERSHIP NOT LIKERSHIP."
  
  
• Was presented with a certificate and commemorative coin-item by one Commander Gant at our "briefing." Posed for photos.
  
  
  
  
• Went to PX, got some Kuwaiti Dinars from the ATM, bought a gorgeous scarf, then got so many compliments on it I went back and bought more. The Kuwaiti vendor demonstrated on himself how the scarves could be tied as sarongs and beach coverups. I wanted to film him doing this, but felt it would be exploitative. Instead shot silly videos populated entirely by Americans.
  
  
  
  
  
• Was driven out to the part of the base that's all tents and porta-potties. Hung out in air-conditioned trailer behind the stage for four hours. Developed heat exhaustion, which was not made better by the fact that every trip to the bathroom required a 40-yard, 113-degree walk across hot gravel. Have put great wear and tear on my new patent-leather flats.
  
  
  
  
• The comedy show went down at 1900, on a big outdoor stage in front of some bleachers. Alcohol is illegal in Kuwait, even on base, but it was a great crowd despite their being entirely sober. Did my new material about the Pentagon censoring our political jokes, and my wanting to keep the censor on his feet ("You know what I think about the Surge? ...That drink is better than Mountain Dew!")
  
  
  
• Was ushered off to the gym for the autograph- and photo session. Signed autographs til I ran out of photos. Notable meetings included one guy who went to my high school (Cox class of '90), one guy who wanted a photo signed to his wife, who reads my blog, and one guy who'd read me on McSweeney's before the show was even advertised. Oh, and one of the guys from the dining hall to whom I had said "Sure as fuck gonna try."
  
  
• The officer leading us around -- whom we were encouraged to call simply "Gunner" -- allowed me to head over, in my high heels, to the pull-up bar. He thought I was joking about wanting to slam out a few pull-ups. After I did seven, he told me that even female Marines don't have to do that, that most woman "aren't built to be able to lift themselves," and that the standard for female Marines is a 70-second flexed arm hang. So I got back on the bar and did a 70-second flexed-arm hang. I am now qualified to be a female Marine at least twice over.
  
  
  
• Then we all went to the Kuwait International Airport (see airport Harley Davidson outlet above) where my roommate tried to track down her lost luggage. I ate some mixed grill at the airport, although I could've had KFC, Fuddruckers, or a variety of other Western items. I saw a woman in niqab (the veil that leaves only the eyes showing) eating with her husband, using one hand to hold the veil up a bit while she spooned food into her mouth with the other hand. Wouldn't want to expose that chin while eating!

I took pictures of many of these things, but it's time to meet our handlers downstairs in and head to another base for the day.