turned away from Britesmile

This morning, I got up early for my appointment at Britesmile, a teeth-whitening center. I made coffee, knowing it would be my last cup of coffee for 24-48 hours (almost certainly closer to 24, as I'd be surprised if I made it to the very low end of the recommended abstention period).

I arrived at Britesmile, filled out some paperwork (I had prepaid for the appointment online, to get a discount), and sat in the waiting room reading the copy of Bust I'd brought with me.

Eventually, I was taken to a little cubicle, put into a reclining dental chair, and ultimately visited by a cute Asian dentist-guy with great teeth and cool glasses. I almost commented that I'm sure they don't hire ugly dentists at the 5th Avenue Britesmile.

The dentist and I had a long discussion about the coffee thing, during which he debunked my theory that, if I just had to have some coffee, iced coffee through a straw would be less staining than the hot, sipped variety. He reiterated the advice to stick to "white or clear foods and drinks." He assured me that vodka would be fine.

Then he got to looking at my teeth. He had this object that looked like a ruler with a bunch of teeth attached to it (I could just imagine Pugsley Addams bringing the thing to geometry class), ranging in color from gross to white. The dentist looked disappointed.

Turns out my teeth were already at the whitest shade, and they just couldn't get any whiter. (Apparently all those celebs with blindingly white teeth have veneers, also known as the fake shells you get glued to your teeth after an evil dentist has ground your real teeth down to pointy stubs).

"I'll write a note on your paperwork, then you just take it downstairs to get a refund," he said. And sure enough, the lady at the front desk just gave me a refund. So consider that an endorsement of the good business practices at Britesmile.

The whole experience did, however, take about two hours of my life -- the longest I've ever spent traveling and sitting in a waiting room in order to receive a compliment.

(Insert horrible joke here about being "refused service for being white.")

$300 richer than I'd expected to be, I celebrated with a big fuckin' Starbucks.

Next stop: lipo clinic?