The Tour: Monday and Tuesday

Cross-posted from Molly and Jen's Tour Blog:

And now, I present you with photographs, in rough chronological order, much like the multiple choice questions on the AP US History exam.

From my show on Monday at New Orleans-themed bar, The Red & The Black:







The Palace of Wonders is a vaudeville and sideshow-themed venue which, amazingly, happens to be directly next door to The Red & The Black, which neither of us knew when we booked our shows. From Molly's Dr. Sketchy's on Tuesday at The Palace of Wonders with Amber Ray (who took the bus down from New York and will be here til Friday):






Look, we're not saying we're good photographers. World, listen to us: our job is to BE photographed! How did this happen that we're taking photos of each other's with my circa 1997 digital camera? OTHER people are supposed to do that and then email us impossibly flattering photos of ourselves. If you have a degree in a subject that ends in the word "theory," come along and "other" us.

To conclude, here are some things I have learned so far:

• Free red beans and rice with two-drink minimum is a fantastic policy for a bar. Several times throughout Monday night, I'd see someone look over at someone else's food and say "Rrr, one more drink and that'll be free!" (I'm pretty sure you could buy two drinks for less than the price of buying the red beans and rice outright)
  


• In DC, many streets are named with letters and numbers, which implies a logical grid system. There is, in fact, a logical grid system. However, if you are accustomed to New York's different but also logical grid system, in which, for instance, if you go west on E 42nd St, it will turn into W 42nd St., you will be very disappointed when you, in your Ford Taurus rental, drive east on 12th St NW hoping to get to 12th St NE.
  


• Even burlesque dancers' areolas are not immune from body makeup.
  

-Jen

Tonight! My show has free red beans & rice.

Washington, D.C.:

Monday, February 26th
Jennifer Dziura's Comedy Rock Star Sex Party

Jennifer Dziura hosts a raucous late-night of comedy, grooves by Monstertail and Death by Sexy, and burlesque dance numbers from Molly Crabapple.

The Red and the Black
1212 H St NE, Washington, DC
9pm
$8, free red beans & rice with 2-drink minimum


Molly and I take D.C. by storm -- wait, that's cliché -- we take D.C. by sexblizzard for four straight days! I do a solo show on Wednesday. Check Molly's schedule here.

I have sexy new glasses.

I leave tomorrow morning, with slightly more layered hair

Today I visited the salon where my poster hangs in the window (as blogged about in this post from 2004), and, pleasantly, the young man at the front desk recognized me right away.

"Jennifer!" he said, and then I proceeded to be able to get a rockin', oh-so-efficient haircut late on a Sunday night before I leave on tour.

More than one person has insisted on taking my picture outside in front of the poster before, which is pretty dorky, but I thought it would've been much cooler if anyone walking by had noticed that the chick getting her hair cut on the other side of the glass was the same chick in hair extensions ad eight feet away.

Note to other chick in salon: I can't believe you brought your boyfriend in to keep you company while you got your upper lip waxed! If I needed to have my upper lip waxed, I would have it done in KGB-level secrecy and never, ever mention it.

thanks for all the D.C. love

A big thanks to Amanda from CreativeDC.org for posting my show. Amanda performs in the Jinx Improv group, which you might check out if you're down in the land of (otherwise) Very Serious People Legislating Things.

The show is also on the D.C. Arts Center's website, has a miniscule mention in the Washington City Paper and appears on DCStandup.com, which is a great site run by Chris White, about whom I previously blogged in regards to his standup about ancient Sumeria.

This show is also notable in that an appearance by my hulking, firefighting giant of a little brother, a recurring character on this blog and in the comments, is expected. If a fire breaks out, he'll be ready. Well, ready to call the guys with the truck.

today's update, from command central (i.e., my bedroom)

Today I have been at home conducting press interviews in my pajamas (the Virginian Pilot and the Penn State Collegian), cooking split pea soup, and sending out contracts for a test-prep book I'm editing. Here's some new stuff:

• Tour information for Norfolk has been updated here.
  
  
• I posted to my own comments here, and my mother posted here.
  
  
• Someone invited me to join a MySpace group called "We HATE cut dudes." It's full of a bunch of gay guys. Um, thanks!
  
  
• I sent some fun girly items to female soldiers in Iraq because Bust magazine told me to, and one of them wrote back! More on this later.

egg story update

Here I am in yesterday's amNY:


Nice headline, hmmn?

Also, the story's been picked up by Salon's Broadsheet.

more shaved-headed Jen

In reference to the Britney's shaved head post below, someone posted this in the comments:


Is this, er ... fan art? The person responsible also mysteriously Photoshopped sleeves onto my tank top. Apparently greater modesty is required to compensate for the newly-exposed cranial surface area.

That's also not my actual ear (of course, how could it be?), although it's good Photoshop work -- you wouldn't know that unless you were me or my mother. (Hi Mom!)

it's a bit nipply in this experiment

The American Psychological Association's Task Force on the Sexualization of Girls released a report saying that being constantly bombarded by images of scantily clad, sexualized females has a detrimental psychological effect on girls. In one study mentioned in the report:

...college students were put into dressing rooms and asked to "try on and evaluate" either sweaters or bathing suits. Then the subjects were left alone for 10 minutes, while still wearing the sweaters or the bathing suits, and asked to complete a math test. The women wearing swimsuits did "significantly worse" than their sweater-wearing counterparts; among men, there was no difference in performance. The APA concludes that this study demonstrates that "thinking about the body and comparing it to sexualized cultural ideals disrupted mental capacity" -- which happens more frequently in young women than in men.

You think maybe they were just ... cold?

My memory of the quadratic equation goes out the window when I'm wearing a bikini at Macy's.

THIS is what the evangelicals were concerned about this whole time

We can now use stem cells to enhance women's breast size.

Get to the back of the research line, Parkinson's patients! Shake all you want!

In the article, Japanese doctors claim they've "treated" over 40 patients with no serious complications, and that the results are more natural than the results from breast implants. (Can you say "treated" if there was nothing wrong with the patients in the first place?)

The non-Japanese experts in the article worried that the procedure would create a lumpy effect. Adam Searle, past president of British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons, said: "The stem cell 'soup' is too non-specific to really focus on what you want."

There's some kind of "soup to nuts" joke here, except what we want is apparently "soup to boobs."

the one in which we weigh in on Britney's shaved head

If you are female and are going to shave your head, you need to have a pretty rockin' bone structure. In order for this to happen, you basically have to not be fat. I'm sorry, but it's true -- if you happen to possess a rockin' bone structure, but have extra head-fat, you will not look good with a shaved head.

Join me now for a brief photo-tour of shaved-headed women.

While Demi currently looks great with hair, she looked completely amazing without it:



...in part because she could do this:



Sigourney Weaver fought off enormous aliens and sacrificed herself to save humanity. She has excellent bone structure:



Natalie Portman could not fight off alien bacteria, much less fully-grown aliens, nor do I think she could do any kind of push-ups, certainly not one-armed pushups, and if she were admitted to SEAL training, all of the other SEALs, instead of hazing her, would declare her a magical pixie princess and go off to capture a golden sword or something to restore the kingdom, and it would all become a totally different movie. Apparently V for Vendetta was pretty bad, but Natalie still has a pretty little head, and it's fine if she temporarily looks like the prettiest of all the alien pixie queens:



*sigh* Britney, I'm not saying you couldn't have pulled this off after you got into fighting shape. If it is in fact the case that you will ever be in fighting shape again. Of course, it's not even worth rebuking Britney these days.



Here's how I know of what I speak:



Bad idea! Self-rebuke in place!

you can't make an omelette appear in a wire story without breaking some eggs

In response to the egg donation article below, I received this letter (identifying info removed):

Hi, Jen,

I am a doctor lawyer in [metropolitan area] who graduated Phi Beta Kappa from [fancy school] and then graduated from [another fancy school]’s Law and Medical Schools.

Instead of serving as an egg donor, ever think of meeting someone nice and getting married and having children? It is great that you got a perfect 1600 on your SATs but my scores are also quite high.

If you would like to get together for coffee or dinner let me know.

[name, M.D. J.D.]

Well, I don't even know what to say, except that donating eggs for money and having someone else raise children you never meet is almost completely unlike getting married and having children and raising them yourself. I can confirm this with my mom anytime.

You like working as a chef? Why not stay home with me and make dinner and we'll eat it ourselves and then you don't get paid?

Okay, that's not the greatest analogy. Why don't you take a crack at it in the comments?

cat in a box

What's any blog without gratuitous cat photography?


For those of you following news on the tour (scroll down for tour dates), I should have Norfolk settled in the next day or so, and I may be adding Greensboro, NC. I'm also hitting Ohio and L.A. in April and Portland, Oregon in July.

Buy My Eggs, Have Kids With Enormous Vocabularies

Seriously, I'm in an AP article this morning, by Martha Irvine.

Click for article
I wouldn't call myself an "aspiring comedian and model" (more like just a regular comedian and former model), but I think the whole thing is really very nice, and I'm flattered to be the lede on this thing. With photos*, no less!

Update: This story got picked up and is being debated on Feministing. Thanks, Iscah!

* Photo credit: Adam Rountree. If there's another Addams Family movie, I am sooo auditioning.

The Tour! D.C., Winston-Salem, Durham, Norfolk & Baltimore

February 26th - March 7th, I'm heading south on tour with Miss Molly Crabapple. No comment on the sleeping arrangements ;) Her schedule is here; mine is below.

---

Washington, D.C. (two shows!):

Monday, February 26th
Jennifer Dziura's Comedy Rock Star Sex Party

Jennifer Dziura hosts a raucous late-night of comedy, grooves by Monstertail and Death by Sexy, and burlesque dance numbers from Molly Crabapple.

The Red and the Black
1212 H St NE, Washington, DC
9pm
$8, free red beans & rice with 2-drink minimum




Wednesday, February 28th
What Philosophy Majors Do After College

In her hour-plus solo show, Jen starts off with "The History of Western Philosophy in Fifteen Minutes," and then expounds comedically on what one does with a degree in philosophy. In her case, stints as an art school model, a professional contraceptive tester, a failed dot-com entrepreneur, and finally, a comedian telling grammar jokes in Wonder Woman underpants.

D.C. Arts Center
2438 18th St. NW
7:30pm
$10

---

Winston-Salem, N.C.:

Saturday, March 3rd
Camel City Showcase

The Garage
110 W. 7th Street
Winston-Salem, NC
Music by The Malamandos, Viva La Venus, and 220 Short with special appearances by caberet, burlesque and comic performers Foxy Moxy, Molly Crabapple and Jen Dziura
8pm
$5

---

Raleigh-Durham, N.C.:

Sunday, March 4th
A Triple Threat of Subversive Women Who Will Eat Your Brain

A cult classic about strippers who kill men with their bare hands, a burlesque dancer turned authoress, and a comedian in Wonder Woman underpants, all in one day.

305 South Anti-Mall
305 South Dillard St., Durham
2pm - movie
4pm - Molly's book signing and mini Dr. Sketchy's
7pm - Jen's comedy show
All free.

---

Norfolk, VA:

Monday, March 5th
Jennifer Dziura Appears at The Boot
123 W 21st St, Norfolk / 757-627-BOOT
8pm
$5 at the door
Followed by musical performances from Larkin Grimm and Marissa Nadler.

---

Baltimore, MD (workshop + show!):

Tuesday, March 6th
Stand-Up Workshop With Jen Dziura
$20. RSVP to seminar@jenisfamous.com

Click to enlarge

Wednesday, March 7th
What Philosophy Majors Do After College

In her hour-plus solo show, Jen starts off with "The History of Western Philosophy in Fifteen Minutes," and then expounds comedically on what one does with a degree in philosophy. In her case, stints as an art school model, a professional contraceptive tester, a failed dot-com entrepreneur, and finally, a comedian telling grammar jokes in Wonder Woman underpants.

Sponsored by Original Sin Cider -- free with admission, 'til it runs out!

Hamilton Arts Collective
5440 Harford Road (third floor)
Baltimore, MD
(443)653-2120
Doors at 7:40pm, show at 8:00pm
$10

---

New York, NY:

Monday, March 12th
Jen's Return to New York Show!
Featuring Greg Barris, Katina Corrao, Joe Pontillo, Federico Garduno, and Abby Rosin.

Pete's Candy Store
709 Lorimer St., Williamsburg
7:30
As always: five comics, free candy, no cover. Hosted by Jenisfamous.

Jenisfamous High School Week: Day Five

To recap: I bought a really cool scanner, scanned about 50 pounds of paper and tossed out the originals. In the process, I discovered a big stack of documents left over from high school, which I have been sharing on the blog for the past week.

So, here's a little bit of backstory.

In ninth grade, at Frank W. Cox High School in Virginia Beach, Virgina, I took a (required) biology class with one Mr. Perrenot.

Mr. Perrenot was a Vietnam veteran who enjoyed telling jokes about men having sex with one another in prison. It was often the same joke over and over, with a few details changed, ultimately leading to the same "Do like pizza? Yes! Then you'll love Thursday! Do you like sex with other men? No! Then you won't like Friday!"

Mr. Perrenot also:

• Responded to a girl's complaint about dissecting animals -- she didn't want to dissect something that had been killed just for that purpose -- by bringing in roadkill, on a cookie sheet, and asking her to "dissect" that, instead.
  
  
• Made us watch a video of an arthroscopic knee surgery, even though we were in the middle of a unit on cellular biology, just because it was "disgusting" and "the girls hate it." He said he'd deduct points if anyone looked away.
  
  
• Complained that we used to be able to prick our fingers and look at our blood under the microscope in class, until gay people and AIDS ruined it for everyone.

The artifact I have here is the front page of my report on cholera.

We were studying infectious diseases, and Mr. Perrenot told us we would be writing a paper, and then he proceeded to walk, slowly and with some pleasure, around the room with a clipboard on which he had personally assigned a disease to each student.

"You have ... malaria," he would say. "You have ... gonorrhea."

I got cholera. We were told in no uncertain terms that any report submitted must have images, as graphic as possible, to receive an A.

This was before the internet was really very useful, so I xeroxed my photos from the encyclopedia and glue-sticked them to this cover sheet. One shows a dehydrated Indian child, the other a dirty well.

I received an A.

McSweeney's

I had another piece accepted to McSweeney's! Here are the first two, in case you missed them:

• SELF-HELP BOOKS FOR HIPSTERS
  
  
• AN OPEN LETTER TO JAMES RANDI REGARDING HIS "ONE MILLION DOLLAR PARANORMAL CHALLENGE"

The new one should go up in a few weeks.

hot, burning tresses

Having long hair is becoming inconvenient. Last week, I bent down to smell the sauce that was simmering on the stove, and the sauce smelled fucking awful! Because what I was actually smelling was my hair, caught in the burner. (No aesthetic damage was done, but the kitchen smelled like burning hair the rest of the night). Just now, I felt something uncharacteristically hot in my cleavage. I looked down, and it was a lock of my own hair. Why was my hair both burning hot, and wet? Why, because it had just been in the cup of coffee I was carrying. Gross.

have we now outsourced everything to Bangalore?

$19 prescription eyeglasses? How is that possible? I mean, I'm totally giving these people free advertising without even making a snarky joke, because, WTF? Really?

Jenisfamous High School Week: Day Four

To recap: In a move towards a paperless office bedroom, I scanned about 50 pounds of paper and tossed out the originals. In the process, I discovered a a big stack of paper left over from high school, which I am parceling out on the blog.

I wish I could say I claimed no responsibility for this, but I apparently scribbled it on notebook paper sometime in the mid-nineties, probably during AP Euro History, when Maureen and I passed a lot of notes.

Dr. Scholl's makes high heels

This shoe is, surprisingly, made by foot care product company Dr. Scholl's:


Those are going to be some comfortable strippers.

Jenisfamous High School Week: Day Three (Valentine's Edition!)

To recap: In a move towards a paperless office bedroom, I scanned about 50 pounds of paper and tossed out the originals. In the process, I discovered a a big stack of paper left over from high school, which I am parceling out on the blog.

Back in 1996, in an attempt to write something that could be published as a small novelty book in the checkout area at Barnes and Noble, I wrote a long list of "Deep Romantic Thoughts." Here are some favorites:

Deep Romantic Thoughts


1. My love, If I woke up tomorrow as a stray cat, I would come to your house and scratch at your screen door until I clawed holes in it, and those would be holes of love.
   
   
2. Oh, my only, I wish to use my very being as an umbrella against your pains and sorrows. Unless my chiropractor says no.
   
   
3. If you were my very own American flag, and you accidentally touched the ground and had to be burned, I would throw myself on your pyre, aware only of the patriotic heat of our love.
   
   
4. Love, if you gave me a giant chocolate bar for Valentine's Day, I would make it a shrine to you and keep it on my dresser always, even though my house would soon be infested by nauseating vermin.
   
   
5. Darling, if you wanted to be in the Guineas Book of World Records, I would do anything I could to help, even if it meant feeding you small sips of lemonade while you crawled more than 26.5 miles, which is the current record.
   
   
6. If people could be inanimate objects, I would want to be that blanket you had when you were a baby -- you know, that one you spit up on when your mom fed you too much chili.
   
   
7. If you were an itch in the middle of my back, rather than scratching, I would carry you with me always, even though it would leave me convulsing in frustration.
   
   
8. For you, my beloved, I would walk through a wall of fire, And, after that, if I had any hair left, I would brave the giant shearing scissors of death, and, after that, if I still had any eyebrows left, I would shave them off without even looking, possibly gouging my eyes into jelly, just as a subtle reminder of my passion.
   
   
9. If it meant that I could see you one more time, my love, I would exfoliate my skin by scrubbing it vigorously with the backside of a living hedgehog.
   
   
10. Mon cherie, if you and I were eating M&Ms, and you tried to feed me one and it accidentally fell on the floor, I would pick it up and eat it anyway, even if we were in the garage.
    
    
11. If you were sick and had to go to the hospital, I would overdose on vitamin A just so I could see you every day during recreation hour.
    
    
12. I'm going to say something nice to you every day. When we get old, though, it might be hard to find new things to say. But I'll be creative. Like "I really appreciate how, in fifty years of marriage, you've never cracked your knuckles continuously for more than ten minutes."
    
    
13. My sweet, if you and I went out to dinner and both had the French onion soup, and if I pulled put my box of Tic-Tacs to discover that I had only one left, I would let you have it, even though it would mean breathing onion-breath for the rest of the evening.
    
    
14. If love is eternal, then you and I will be in love all our future lives. But if, in another life, we were both boys and the gay thing didn't work out, I'd get my sister to marry you so we could spend more time together.
    
    
15. Whenever I think about you, I want to be with you as much as that dog, the one that was conditioned by Pavlov to salivate whenever that bell rang, really wanted to eat.
    
    
16. If you were sick and needed my kidney, I 'd give it to you right away. And if you got sick again, I 'd give you the other kidney, even though it would mean dying from a buildup of my own bile.
    
    
17. Dearest, if you were the French Revolution of 1789, I would be a really good Jacobin and make sure that the monarchy didn't come back into power, even if it meant that the Reign of Terror of 1791-1792 would have to go on even longer.
    
    
18. If someone told me that I couldn't see you anymore, I would ask him nicely to change his mind. If he didn't change his mind, I ask him again, but much more firmly. If he still didn't change his mind, I'd yell "Look! There's a big truck shaped like an Oscar Meyer Weiner!" to distract him, and then I'd run straight to you.
    
    
19. Beloved, if you had a most vicious cold, I would endeavor to catch it from you, so I could know that the microbes which so latterly had infested your form would now flagellate through my own.
    
    
20. If you were lost on a transatlantic cruise, I would paddle my canoe out to the place where you were last seen, and then I 'd dive in after your body until my fingers and toes became so pruny as to resemble beef jerky.
    
    
21. My one and only, if I were a platelet in your bloodstream, and you cut yourself shaving, I would allow my own feeble existence to expire in attempting to span your bleeding wound.
    
    
22. Sweetheart, if you were a soldier and you threw your body over a grenade to save the rest of your company, I would run up to your prostrate form and grab the grenade out from under you and run away with it as fast as I could so I would blow up instead of you.
    
    
23. If I were a lint brush, my sole joy in life would be to be rubbed up and down your dress slacks until my bristles fell out.
    
    
24. If you and I were in junior high and we took one of those sex-ed classes in which we were made to carry around a sack of flour and pretend it was a baby, I would name our baby after you and sculpt its grainy bulk so it resembled your divine physique.
    
    
25. If I were a tapeworm, I would suck from your intestines only the bare amount of nutrients necessary for my survival.
    
    
26. If you were a bumblebee and you stung me, I would leave the stinger in, preferring the gangrene of love to the lonely glow of health.
    
    
27. If you and I were sharing a Swiss Colony "85 Cheeses From Around the World" box, I would let you eat all the baby Gouda, even though it's always been my favorite, and I would even dab your sweet mouth with a napkin I knitted from my own eyelashes.

My high-school-best-friend Maureen wrote some Deep Romantic Thoughts of her own, which we combined into a single document, and I tried to omit the ones she wrote and only post mine here, but I'm not entirely sure whose work was whose, which was one of the reasons we were such good friends. Teen Girl Squad!

Happy Valentine's Day! Do spread these around.

ancient Sumeria - the least-hack comedy topic ever

I shall now introduce you to someone I think might amuse you.

Chris White of DCStandup.com has issued a challenge: You challenge him to perform four minutes of standup on a topic of your selection. He gets two weeks to prepare. Then, he videotapes the performances and puts them here.

Challenges in 2006 included: Cars, Body Hair, Sumeria, Carpentry, Camping, The Zoo, Body Piercing, Eating Babies, Boy Scouts. Sumeria! For real.

I have challenged Chris to do four minutes of standup about the quadratic equation, and he has accepted. "The quadratic equation" is in the queue right after "pet names." Check the site in about three weeks.

Jenisfamous High School Week: Day Two

To recap: In a move towards a paperless office bedroom, I scanned about 50 pounds of paper and tossed out the originals.

In the process, I discovered a a big stack of paper left over from high school, which I am posting on the blog this week for your potential entertainment. The photo at right is my mid-nineties newspaper headshot.

In the pre-Photoshop era, I sometimes thought it was funny to cut bits of advertising out of magazines and glue them into advertising collages. And then, apparently, xerox them. So this is a scan of a xerox of a magazine advertising collage I apparently made in the mid-nineties. Go high school!


Okay, so that was a little weird, yes. But hey, I once won an election for class president based on the slogan "Jennifer Dziura owns a folding chair and an American Heritage Dictionary."

Jen does the news: Week of February 12th

One could not begin a comedy show this week without some comment on the mess that is Anna Nicole's death.

First Anna's son died in the hospital room where she had just given birth to her daughter. Then a paternity battle began between her ex-boyfriend and her lawyer/lover over who had fathered her daughter.

At first the press wasn't sure if she had actually married the lawyer/lover, and then it turns out the two had a wedding ceremony, but it wasn't legal. Then after Anna dies, Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband, who is apparently a prince, claims he might be the baby's father.

Anna and Trimspa were being sued for making false weight loss claims. To get out of various legal troubles, Anna was trying to establish residency in the Bahamas. After her death, photos of her in bed with the Bahamian immigration minister surfaced.

Anna Nicole's mother suggested to the press that the lawyer/fiance might be responsible for Anna and her son's deaths. Now Anna's half-sister claims Anna used the frozen sperm of her long-dead elderly husband to get pregnant.

A judge has ordered the preservation of the body and it may take up to five weeks to determine a cause of death, although it's already in the news that Anna had two different breast surgeries since giving birth five months ago and was taking at least 10 prescription drugs when she died.

On top of that, of course, she was still embroiled in a legal battle over her ex-husband's money.

With all that mess surrounding a tragic death, and a tragic life, it's easy get caught up in the sensationalism, to get lost in our own lurid interest -- to lose sight of what's really important:

At least she died thin!

little brother fan club

My brother wrote this. He is very funny, although he is a firefighter, not a comedian.

A poem...

Triple-Venti-Non-Fat-No-Whip-Mocha O' My Heart

Oh Triple-Venti-Non-Fat-No-Whip-Mocha how I love thee,
When temperatures reach a glacial level of cold
When I am intolerably lethargic,
When I only managed to get 5 hours of sleep yet again,
When I am considering gnawing off my own hand just to justify running screaming from this wretched place,
That is when I surreptitiously abscond to Starbucks.

Oh Triple-Venti-Non-Fat-No-Whip-Mocha,
With your extra shot of espresso that some may find superfluous,
With your little brown wrinkly cardboard sleeve,
This morning you raised my core body temperature ever so slightly,
While simultaneously striving to suppress my urge to destroy everyone within a 5 mile radius.

Oh Triple-Venti-Non-Fat-No-Whip-Mocha,
Why must the barrista woman yell so loudly?
I was standing right there.
Could she not see that I was already eagerly awaiting the arrival of my coveted beverage?
I would have preferred a more subdued arrival proclamation,
Perhaps if she had begun to whisper that my coffee had come to exist,
I could have quickly leaned forward and dramatically interjected "Shhh… You need not say it ma'am. I know. I've known all along."
Then with a tip of the cowboy hat I would be suddenly and inexplicably wearing I would disappear back out into the harshness of winter,
Just you and I…
Triple-Venti-Non-Fat-No-Whip-Mocha O' My Heart.

-Brian Dziura

Wonder Woman to the rescue Virginia

Molly Crabapple has asked me to pose in my Wonder Woman underpants for her Norfolk book tour event on March 5th. This is how I have always dreamed of returning to my hometown ... with a star-spangled butt, killer biceps, and an ex-lesbian-lover.

The Wonder Woman blog has a few new posts.

Jenisfamous High School Week: Day One

I recently acquired a sheet-feeding scanner, allowing me to bulk-scan lots of paperwork before I throw the originals out with the trash, making myself a near-instant victim of identity theft.

In with all the credit card statements, college class notes, and old contact lens prescriptions was a big stack of paper left over from high school, which I have now scanned and will be parceling out on the blog this week for your possible amusement.

I'm using my mid-nineties newspaper headshot to denote High School Week posts. Enjoy!

I drew this in 1995:

this makes me want to be on Hollywood Squares

This is from page 65 of the current issue of Time Out New York.


I've been paired with a male burlesque dancer, a fire eater, and a Roller Derby queen!

Back in high school, I thought I was awesome that one time I got asked to play the violin in a Beatles cover act for our high school's Battle of the Bands (we lost).

MSNBC front page news

Yes, skinny models are making you fat. That's it. Blame Gisele every time you eat another hot wing.

Also in breaking news: How Quakers could be making us violent!

unfortunate screen capture

THAT'S "entertainment"? You're sick, CNN, sick!

Feb. 12th: Hipsters on a Tandem Bike

Monday Evening Stand-Up at Pete's
Monday, Feb. 12th
Pete's Candy Store, 709 Lorimer St. in Williamsburg
7:30pm
Five comics. Free candy. No cover.

Comedy show hosted by Jenisfamous and starring musical comedian Greg Morabito (with his song "Hipsters on a Tandem Bike") and also featuring Sven Wechsler, Matt Little, Kevin Doughten, and Giulia Rozzi.


Next Monday...
The Williamsburg Spelling Bee
Monday, February 19th
Sign up at 7, compete at 7:30
Pete's Candy Store, 709 Lorimer St. in Williamsburg

The bee is back, in its fifth season. A real adult spelling bee, open to all. Compete for bar tab and a slot in the June 11th finals.

I'm in TimeOut...

...in the Valentine's Day issue.

Click here and scroll down.

I provide "a little discipline" and "take lazy lexicographers to task."

someone in Missouri thinks I'm a real celebrity

I have received a request (via postal mail, sent to my home address) from the Bootheal Youth Museum* of Malden, Missouri, for an autographed item for their fundraising auction. The request says:

"We understand that you receive frequent requests for financial support; it is our hope that by requesting an autographed item we will be able to double or triple your investment."

Because flattery is invariably effective, I'm sending them an autographed copy of The Complete Idiot's Guide to Jokes and a (reasonably demure) signed photo, although I doubt that the book will triple in value as a result of my having signed it.

*Don't miss the Daisy the Milking Cow exhibit!

The Dewars Guide to Debating (and the state of logic in Williamsburg)

Some months ago, Vice magazine hired me to write the Dewar's Guide to Debating, an adorable retro-illustrated booklet packaged with the current issue of Vice.

Click to download (PDF)
I went to Verb on Bedford Ave in Williamsburg to find myself a few copies, and discovered Guides to Debating strewn everywhere...


...as people ripped open the plastic, took the magazine, and left the advertising behind.

As I collected a few Guides, I got into a discussion with an Asian guy sporting a pointy beard and wearing a fur coat, about the value of debate in general.

He seemed to have a rather mystical worldview that didn't assign much value to logic, but we were nevertheless getting along okay (for instance, I agreed that debating is rarely effective when hanging out with friends, but I pointed out its value in policymaking, and that his proposed alternative -- hugging -- is, again, great among friends but insufficient for statesmanship) until the guy's friend butted in (in an argument against the value of logic, a tricky thing in itself) with:

"It's LOGIC that got us into the Iraq War!"

And then I left Verb. And Williamsburg. As fast as possible.

lay off the invisible plane!

I've been blogging precious little lately (sorry, my very sexy readers -- more soon!), but Syd has updated the Wonder Woman blog in rather hilarious fashion.

Molly news

Did you know Molly's Dr. Sketchy's drawing group has a blog? It's mostly made up of photos of semi-naked people pretending it's all for "art" ;)

spelling news!

We've been reviewed on NewYorkCool.com. I especially enjoyed this:

Bobbyblue is a musician who, with his sweater vest, brakeman’s cap, work boots, metallic silver belt, and black Hulk Hogan moustache, looks like a combination of David from the Village People and Bun E. Carlos of Cheap Trick ... Throughout the contest, Bobbyblue and Jenisfamous showed both a love of words and a sweetly sardonic chemistry with each other and the audience, truly the perfect fit for a drinking spelling bee."

Aww...

We're also an entry in UrbanDictionary.com ("The Bee")!