bench press and tweeze

Whoa. Cosmo UK runs "naked male centerfolds" (no protuberances visible, may or may not be safe for work). I want naked male centerfolds! I specifically want to feel like the men in them have painstakingly worked out, tanned, shaved, and lived on all-protein diets for months in order to garner my approval. I want this cute, muscley fellow to feel pressured by my rigorous body image standards for men.

3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375

On Wednesday, I held the first-ever Math Bee at Chelsea Mind Games. Thanks to contestant Rich Zwelling for this link to Hard & Phirm's Pi Song:



I once had the pleasure of performing with Hard & Phirm at a show in LA, although they did not bring their, um, pi robot.

And now, for your mathematical pleasure, here are some of the questions I wrote for this week's Math Bee!

You are going to have two babies, one at a time, and you have a high incidence of hermaphroditism in your family. If each baby you have has an equal chance of being a boy, a girl, or a hermaphrodite, what are your chances of having two girls in a row?

1/9
1/4
2/3

If you have three pairs of leather pants, five mesh shirts, and two ball-gag-and-bridle combos, how many different outfits do you have to wear to the fetish club?

10
30
60

If, during a dry spell, you drive 50 mph for 300 miles to have sex with your ex from high school, and then you drive back via the same route but at 60 mph, what is your average speed for the trip?

54.5 mph
55 mph
56.5 mph

If there is a 1 in 10 chance you’ll be fatally run over by the A train, and a one in 5 chance you’ll be fatally stabbed in front of your local bodega, what are the chances that you will EITHER be fatally hit by the A train OR be stabbed to death?

1 in 15
2 in 15
3 in 10

Avis wants to charge you $450 for a car rental. Your Mensa membership will get you 10% off but cannot be combined with any other discounts. A coupon you found in Cat Fancy magazine will get you $30 off, and can be combined with your mother’s 5% AARP discount, since you and she conveniently share the same name. Or, you can go to Hertz, and pay only $412. Which is the best deal?

10% off from Mensa
$20 off plus 5% AARP
$412 at Hertz

If you have slept with three people who have crabs, and you have a one in two chance of getting it from each one, what are the chances you have crabs?

1/8
1/2
7/8

You are trying to cut down on your spending, so you only buy new high heels on days of the month that are prime numbers (and only one pair per day). How many pairs of high heels will you buy in June?

10
11
12

The dildo store is having a sale – however many inches long the dildo is, you get that percent off the price! If a five-inch dildo is originally $20 and a 10-inch dildo is originally $40, how much do you pay when you splurge on both?

$45
$54
$55

You have slept with 19 people. You told your mother you have slept with only 3. You told some people in a bar you have slept with 35. When you went in for an AIDS test, you decided only to count things that have happened since your last AIDS test, so you put down the number as 16. By how much is the average of your lies off from the truth?

1
3
11

You pay $1100 a month for your apartment. Someone offers you a spot in a loft in Brooklyn 50 blocks from any train, for just $900/month. You will have to walk to or from the train twice per day. For every 1000 blocks you walk, you will have to buy a new pair of shoes. The shoes cost $50. Figuring in the cost of the new shoes you will need to buy, is the new apartment a good deal?

Yes, I will save $50 per month
Yes, I will save $150 per month
No, I will lose money or the quantities will be the same

everyone looks smarter in glasses

Carolyn Castiglia came over to my place awhile ago and took these photos of my collection of eyeglasses. I own so many eyeglasses because 1) they are fabulous and coordinate with my collection of high heels, and 2) you can buy complete prescription eyeglasses for as low as $8 at ZenniOptical.com.

Photos by Carolyn, who is the bomb.

Quick, we've only got three days to run away!

I just saw an old episode of The Simpsons in which Homer, wanting to taste the forbidden wedding cake before the wedding has even begun, inserts a straw into the cake and begins to suck. Then, he's had his fill, covers the small hole with an icing rosette, and walks away -- and then the cake collapses in on itself.

Apparently, the nation's SUVs have performed this function on a small Texas town. It took me a couple seconds to process that this was a literal, not a metaphorical sinkhole (sorry, Texas):

Regulators Monitor Massive Sinkhole in Southeast Texas Town


Beware the evil sinkhole, swallowing up homes, plows that have fallen out of favor, and very slow-moving people who have no faster-moving people who care about them.

and now I run a math bee

Ha! On the day of the first-ever Math Bee, my mom reminded me of a question she used to quiz me with in those halcyon pre-kindgergarten years:

If I gave you 2 apples and then Dad ate 1.
Then Brian gave you a banana.
Dad gave you 2 oranges and ate the banana.
How many apples do you have?

Thanks, Mom! Now I am really good at the SAT. And I've only been preparing since 1982!

Welcome to Wednesday

I am glad Hillary is dead in the water after the NC and Indiana primaries, although yesterday I was pissed at this guy walking towards me on the street wearing a t-shirt picturing Obama's and Hillary's heads, with the phrase Bros Before Hoes, which is the sort of thing that, should you see it on the TShirtHell website, might make you giggle that someone came up with it, but you should certainly not buy it, because of course someone who declaims "bros before hoes" as a reason for casting his vote is no better than the George Wallace holdover in Alabama who declaims, in a less clever and rhyming fashion, something about refusing to vote for black people.

In other gendered news, the Sex and the City opening on the 30th is actually written in my calendar in pen, and I have mixed feelings about Barbara Walters and Oprah's claim that, if you sleep with a married man, you are not a "mistress" if he's not paying your bills. "Oh, please!" says Oprah. "No man's ever taken care of me."

Oh, and I'm still slowly going deaf, for anyone who's keeping track of my mysterious auditory ailment.

Tonight is the math bee (see below)!

Monday is Comedy; Wednesday is a Math Bee!

Much like your favorite local coffee shop, I am going to start handing out punch cards -- when you come to 12 shows, you get one free or something. (I'll have to figure out the details).


Monday, May 5th

Monday Evening Stand-Up
Pete's Candy Store
709 Lorimer in Williamsburg (L train to Lorimer)
7:30pm
Free

Jen hosts a comedy night starring Cody Hess, Taylor Williamson, Tim Warner, Boston-based heavy metal spoken word performer Duncan Wilder Johnson, and lesbian Miss American contestant-turned-comedian Scout Durwood. Free candy! (This time it's Fun Dip).

As seen on Brooklyn Cable Access Television.



Wednesday, May 7th

At Chelsea Market in Manhattan...


Check out rap violinist Katie Pawluk here, and visit Chelsea Mind Games for sample questions, photos, and details.

black women's magazines are smarter than white women's magazines

I purchased this magazine because I loved the photo, above, and because I wanted to know how Vivica "secretly makes millions in the movie biz." And also because all the Cosmos and Glamours and Elles around me were advertising "How to get smoky bedroom eyes" and "His secret sex desires" and "Flat belly by summer!"

I was not disappointed! Sister 2 Sister ran a full-on eight-page interview in which Vivica Fox explained how residuals work, and the financial benefits of producing in addition to acting. An excerpt:

Jamie: So does that mean that those are intellectual properties that, should they play again, you get residuals from them?

Vivica: That's right!

Jamie: Okay. So people don't understand that. I'm always teaching in my magazine....

Vivica: So basically when I say "produce," that means I'm getting two checks.

Can you even imagine seeing that in a magazine for white chicks? Either it's a fashion and beauty mag telling you how to self-tan while losing weight, or it's a feminist magazine that's against capitalism and will tell you how to knit your own tampon cozy, but is afraid to talk about making money in any real way.

The guy I bought the magazine from at the subway newsstand was, however, a bit miffed.

The History of Western Philosophy, at Dartmouth

a brief video from my one-woman show, "What Philosophy Majors Do After College"

PhilosophyShow.com

eyeliner and melons

Actual melons, not figurative melons, you dirty-minded people.

I wore green eyeliner to the spelling bee and it looked really cool, so I tried to take a picture, but they all ended up looking creepy.

NU WAVE JEN IS WATCHING YOU

I took this photo in East Harlem.


Those are, for any still unsure, "honeydews."

the luxury of not caring what time it is

Someone once said that the ultimate luxury in a Manhattan apartment is simply empty space. It's not the objets d'art or the furniture; it's the clean, empty surfaces and elegant expanses in between the furniture.

Someone has now (rather cheekily, I think) invented a $300,000 watch that doesn't tell the time. Because, as Romain Jerome says, " An avant-garde approach, that is different and even disturbing. Surely the ultimate luxury would be to take one’s time?"

Next: a trash can that won't hold trash -- because everything you touch is fucking gold.

This Wednesday: Win Boozes of the World

By which I mean that the prizes for the Geography Bee do, in fact, consist of Boozes of the World.

Come! Don't be intimidated by the geography thing -- co-host Meg and I are keeping it pretty sane and general-knowledge. Two girls spinning a globe and distributing liquor? Fun!

Video from Chelsea Mind Games

why panda meat is so expensive

My friend Megan's brother took these photos in a zoo in China.

Chelsea Mind Games is every Wednesday henceforth!

Photos by Brian Van of last night's Chelsea Mind Games Vocabulary Bee, co-hosted by Jonathan Lill.

my new show is a TimeOut pick!

Wednesday, April 23rd: first-ever Vocabulary Tournament!

For those of you who find it easier to make your way to events in Manhattan...

For those of you who always balked at coming along to a spelling bee...

I now present the first-ever Vocabulary Tournament at Chelsea Market!

---

This Wednesday, April 23rd
Chelsea Market, 75 9th Ave bet. 15th and 16th
(In the main area - just walk in the front door and keep walking straight, about halfway through the building - we are situated right in between a beer vendor and an espresso bar)

6:30pm - Articulate Music by vaudevillian Al Duvall
7-8:30 - Vocabulary Tournament - Open to the first 20 signups! Co-hosted by librarian and spelling winner Jonathan Lill.
8:30-9 - The Know-It-All Show
9-10 Closing Set by Al Duvall

The Vocabulary Tournament will consist of a mix of synonyms questions (Which word means 'talkative'?, followed by four options), themed questions (How many babies = septuplets? What anniversary is a vigentennial?), and opportunities to define words or use them in a sentence in a manner either correct, or humorous, or both. All are welcome (open to first 20 signups).

"The Know-It-All Show," in which an "expert" is interviewed on some thing we all might learn to do ourselves -- this week, burlesque illustrator Molly Crabapple will teach us all "how to draw the female figure." There will be a live model.

Come, resplendent in your pulchritude and alacrity!

ChelseaMindGames.com

the breakfast of champions: verbs

Courtesy of the other Jennifer Dziura...

Mercer for President 2008

"This guy eats verb tenses for breakfast!"

Three Things I Learned the Hard Way

Abbi Crutchfield has blog-tagged me, which apparently indicates a request that I address the topic of "Three Things I Learned the Hard Way" (here is Abbi's list, complete with childhood anecdotes). Mine is much more compact:

Three Things I Learned the Hard Way

1. Foolproof business models: buy objects in bulk, sell them individually for more; provide personal services to the wealthy; give seminars that people think will help them become rich. Bad business models: lots of other stuff; disposable socks; my first company.

2. The comedy world is much like dating: if you seem needy, no one wants you; if you seem in demand, everyone wants you.

3. Screw the environment, the plastic applicators are worth it.