the williamsburg spelling bee

September 21, 2004

Last night I competed in the Williamsburg Spelling Bee at Pete’s Candy Store. I had seen a flyer for it in the Girdle Factory building near Verb.

I was contestant number twelve. My best friend Jenn came to watch.

Round one I spelled “tonsillitis.” Everyone commented that I was very fast and confident. Contestant number one, a librarian, commented that he always thought there was just one “l.”

Round two I spelled “panickiness.”

We (the contestants) start to notice that the words aren’t all that hard. Also, the guy reading them is having a terrible time pronouncing the words, so much so that the audience members often shout out corrections. The organizers were clearly unprepared for the crowd of (mostly sober) geeks that showed up.



Round three, we’re down to maybe six people, so now instead of each contestant spelling one word and sitting down, each contestant stays up until they miss a word, or get fifteen right, in which case we’d have a runoff.

Contestant number one gets fifteen right. A lot of other people miss words.

I go up and get fifteen words right, finally getting out on the word “bagasse,” which the announcer pronounced something like “be-gas” and which means “to beat sugar out of sugarcane.” (I’m not protesting at all — that’s a good spelling bee word!)

So then we have a runoff between me and contestant number one. We alternate back and forth spelling words until somebody misses one (however, if the first person misses their word and then the second person misses theirs as well, then you’d both go again so as not to be biased against whoever goes first).

I get a word that sounds like “ax-il-LOT-al.” I ask for a definition. It has to do with larvae. A biology word. Hmmn. So I guess. I think I probably guessed “axillotal.”

Turns out the word is “axolotl”!

Jesus, what the hell kind of word is that? (Mexican, it turns out). But, again, a good spelling bee word! Fair enough. So I wait for the other guy to get his word. Since mine was so hard, there’s a good chance he’ll get his wrong, and then we’ll go again.

His word is:

“Bereavement”.

No shit. The audience actually booed and demanded that he get a new word. The announcer held firm. Contestant number twelve, of course, spelled “bereavement” with no trouble and won. The organizers explained that they hadn’t realized that people who could actually spell would turn out for the spelling bee — they thought it would just be drunk people who were already in the bar. They apologized.

Then we all hung out for a bit. Contestant number one, it turns out, is a librarian. I explained that I’m an SAT teacher. The guy reading the words was flabbergasted. One of the other contestants (Meghan, in third place) and I suggested having former winners (who won’t be competing again until the finals in six months) come back and read the words. So I will be doing this during the next round, on October 4.

And then in six months, I’ll be in the finals. I’m so into this, you’d think it was the seventh grade. I always wanted to be in a spelling bee. I mean, I’m the kind of person who turns out when you put posters all over town advertising a spelling bee for adults.

I’d like to be a good sport about “axolotl” versus “bereavement,” but, unfortunately, I’m just a fundamentally flawed human being. I’m not even blaming original sin. It’s just me.

Anyway, if you would like to compete next time, or just come see me read vocabulary words with the greatest of ease:

Williamsburg Spelling Bee

October 4

7:30-9:00pm (signup at 6:30)

Pete’s Candy Store

709 Lorimer St, Williamsburg

Incidentally, according to pet-care websites, “A pair of Axolotls will do well in a tank measuring 60 x 30x 30 cm. The best substrate is a 5 cm-deep layer of medium-grade aquarium gravel. Since Axolotls are messy underwater feeders, it is best to have a power filter installed to keep the water clean. Axolotls will eat earthworms and the occasional maggot, mealworm cricket, small fish, or strip of lean raw meat.”

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I remember a high school teacher who thought the Industrial Revolution happened during the ’20s, when the novel "Babbit" was set

September 19, 2004

So, I did the photoshoot for the Faces of Change calendar. I spent about two hours having hair and makeup done, and ended up modeling an $80,000 necklace. I was shot entirely from the shoulders up; “we want you for your eyes!” they said (but not in that horror-movie way).

After that, I modeled a forties-style red satin dress alongside a beautiful Asian model (and college student) named Jane. The photographer looked at us and said, erroneously, “You two look just like flappers!” We both gave him funny looks, because he was clearly two decades off; it would be like if you thought the Sexual Revolution happened during Prohibition, or that legwarmers were in fashion during the Civil War (when “Flashdance” came out!)

His reply was a quite condescending “You girls know what flappers are, don’t you?”

Um, yes.

Funny, at “real” modeling events, I usually end up finding the one other girl with a book and hanging out. There’s sanity in numbers.

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it’s not exactly a vow of celibacy, but a vow nonetheless

September 19, 2004

So, I’ve vowed not to buy any more books until I write one.

That certainly doesn’t mean I can’t read books — an easy task considering how many books I’ve bought and haven’t read yet.

But it does mean that I spent a wistful ten minutes sitting on a footstool in a bookstore in Williamsburg perusing an Italo Calvino novel I’d really like to have.

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what voter participation drives need are more bullet bras

September 19, 2004

My bestest friend Molly Crabapple is in a pinup-model contest. Please visit this page to vote for her. Thank you!

This beehive deserves your vote!

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There is a crack, a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in

September 19, 2004

“The heart goes on cooking, like a shish kabob.”

I love Leonard Cohen.

It’s even better now that I live in New York and know where the Chelsea Hotel is.

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i can’t think when other people are rapping

September 18, 2004

I suspect that people who are permanently attached to their iPods are only piping music into their heads to compensate for impending depression and the spiraling emptiness of their thoughts when confronted with silence.

When did it become necessary for everyone to have their own personal soundtrack at all times? Why can’t we just participate in society?

If you’re using your iPod to compensate for loneliness, you should consider that maybe there’s one special person out there for you, and you already passed them by, say, on the train, and neither of you noticed each other because you were mid-White Stripes and they were mid-Al Green.

Just saying.

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targeted marketing gone very, very weird

September 17, 2004

So, when I created my YahooGroup, I had to select a category, and I think I ended up selecting “Celebrities: Women.” (I know I’m not a celebrity, but there wasn’t a category for “fiction writer pinup girls”).

Yahoo, of course, makes money by feeding targeted advertising to people visiting particular groups. So you might expect to see ads on my group having to do with female celebrities. Instead, they seem to just be feeding ads that have the keyword “female.”

So, along with an ad for an interracial dating site, they put this ad on my group page:

Have a Baby Girl: GenSelect is the only scientifically validated kit, developed by a team of physicians, to harness clinically proven factors which effectively allow you to determine the gender of your baby.

I’m not sure that this is a strong interest among visitors to my group. Is the idea “I like Jen so much I’d like to have a baby girl who will someday grow up to be like her”? Or “I want to breed with Jen! In a very specific manner!”

Yeah, either way, that’s fucked up.

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voluptuous women in little feathered hats

September 17, 2004

Today I went to the fitting for the vintage lingerie fashion show I’m doing in Williamsburg next Saturday.

I have two outfits, one with a waist cincher and fishnets, and one with a sort of Cabaret-style feathered leotard with matching hat. Tres fabulous, all around.

When I was being fitted in this last outfit, the store owner told me to “eat as much as possible!” before the show next week.

This, of course, is just the opposite of typical fashion show preparations. We’re wearing lots of ’40s and ’50s items, so it makes sense. But it’s certainly true that you can’t please everyone at once.

In this case, I can please myself with some bread pudding and a bucket of fried chicken.

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i am a size queen for espresso

September 17, 2004

Double espressos are just not big enough.

If you ever spot me on a subway platform finishing my double espresso before the train even arrives and then LICKING THE CUP, well, that’s why double espressos aren’t big enough.

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I have been immortalized in a $200 thong

September 17, 2004

I recently received some photos and a DVD from the lingerie fashion show I did for Jillian Sherry couture lingerie in July.

I have now seen what my own ass looks like when I’m walking away! This is a new and mesmerizing experience.

The photos will be up on the website soon (maybe tonight!). I currently don’t know how to edit a DVD so as to post stills or short clips, but maybe I’ll figure that out soon.

Here’s a sneak preview photo!

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nice girl needs some good drilling … oh, ha, i crack myself up

September 17, 2004

I bought a pullup bar to be installed in a doorway in my apartment, but I don’t have an electric drill, nor do I particularly know how to use one. If anyone can help, let me know! I want to keep my biceps in an Athena-like state of gloriousness.

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MTA trivia

September 17, 2004

Today my monthly metrocard stopped working; in every turnstile, it just said “swipe again!” over and over. The card was a little bent from carrying it in my back pocket.

So I took my card up to the booth and the guy ran it through some sort of Metrocard-flattening machine! They have that! Then it worked fine.

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there is PLASTER DUST in my ESPRESSO MAKER

September 16, 2004

This is a sacrilege!

I will enact my wrath upon those who have done this, and the rivers will be dark with the blood of their firstborn, and there will be much weeping and lamentation among their women!

Seriously, I want my fucking espresso.

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like all the items in school lunch formed together in a modern art sculpture

September 14, 2004

I am currently eating a fried plantain stuffed with meat and peas. I actually wanted the battered and fried (non-stuffed) plantain, but there were language difficulties.

It’s not bad, really, but I was trying to imagine how I’d describe this item to someone unfamiliar with the cuisine of the neighborhood and, well, can you imagine telling someone you’re eating a “sloppy joe banana”?

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my inbox is a veritable Spoon River Anthology of characters, just not dead

September 14, 2004

I have gotten some of the weirdest stuff in my inbox today. I have a grad student in ethics visiting me from Cambridge this weekend. And I should have some new photos by (the inimitable) Eric Martin maybe next week.

On a bright note, I also heard from a fellow model I met at a Maxim casting call — it was great, I remember her trying to explain to a casting director that she has a degree in ecology, and about a hundred women all around us are adjusting their boobs for the camera. I try to avoid modeling gigs that confuse work with partying. “Getting on the VIP list to parties” is not a job perk in my book.

Also, Molly Crabapple turned 21 yesterday! Not that she hasn’t been posing naked for years already, the little tart ;) I’m lugging around her present until I get to see her.

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tryin’ to get over, tryin’ to get over…

September 14, 2004

When I walked into my salon today, they were playing “Superfly.” I was totally digging this salon full of Asian women getting down to Curtis Mayfield. Goddamn, why couldn’t I have been around to remember the seventies?

Incidentally, I am now pictured in a poster in the window of this salon. You can see this at i Salon, 14th St at 3rd Ave. (However, I felt that my blog would be more enhanced by the inclusion of the Superfly poster than by yet another picture of me).

If you happen to need a new hairstylist, I highly recommend the place. Doris is my lady. You can call her at (212) 505-0537.

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eating for two, shaving for one

September 14, 2004

Manhattan is currently full of pregnant women. They’re everywhere, popping out of the bottoms of their t-shirts, walking the city streets in their comfortable sandals. What is it with September being a great month to be ready to drop?

Strangely, Manhattan is also full of women with shaved heads (or very, very short haircuts). You’d think you’d see this at the beginning of the summer, not the end. Sometimes it looks good, sometimes not.

I have yet, however, to see a pregnant woman with a shaved head.

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yes, everyone on the online personals thought "secretary" was a very good movie

September 14, 2004

I keep renting Netflix movies and not making time to watch them, which is partially a function of being single: I don’t like to watch movies by myself.

And every month, I pay my $23 Netflix fee, and occasionally I do the math and figure out how much I’m actually paying per movie, and then I try to not think about that. I mean, it might be cheaper to actually just go to the theater when I feel like it, but then again, you can’t see “Purple Rain” in the theater.

The queue is the real reason I can’t cancel, though. Netflix stores my list of the next 150 or so movies I want to watch. Somebody had better start watching them with me, because the list just keeps getting longer.

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if you put me in the catalog, i’ll call it even

September 14, 2004

It is fucking impossible to properly place a Victoria’s Secret order online. I would have bought what I wanted in the store, but I went to FOUR stores in Manhattan and they didn’t have it in my size, and at the last Victoria’s Secret, the saleslady called all the other stores in Manhattan, and they didn’t have it either. This is a totally normal bra in a common color and size.

And now the freaking website won’t take the discount code they’re advertising on the front page, and the Victoria’s Secret marketing department has made the BRILLIANT move of charging a lot more in shipping fees for larger orders, as though to penalize you for buying their merchandise (as opposed to say, Amazon, where you get free shipping as a reward for placing an order over a certain amount).

So, Victoria’s Secret people, wherever you are, if you’d like me to stop telling everyone on the internet about the lingerie frustration you are causing me, please send me a very large gift certificate. Thank you.

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Dear Mom, here is a new photo. Dear Jen, she replies…

September 13, 2004

“Is this a not so subtle message that I need to buy you new clothes? Based on your recent photos, you have nothing but swimwear and lingerie. At least you seem to have plenty of shoes. Love, Mom”

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