Curry in a Hurry

November 30, 2004

Back when I had the flu (or, rather, shortly thereafer), I stopped into Curry in a Hurry at Lex and 23rd to get some mulligatawny. (In retrospect, this is not a suitable substitute for traditional chicken soup).

In any case, posted near the counter was a flyer that said something like:

Taxi Drivers!

I lost a tote bag that was very important to me in the back of a cab. I had a very memorable appearance — I am a large man, and I was wearing a wedding dress. I was with two friends who were dressed as bridesmaids. If you have my tote bag, please call….

This was funny both in that Mr. Large Man used Curry in a Hurry as his distribution point for reaching the cab-driving population of New York, and also funny because, while I saw the sign in early November, the man didn’t actually mention anything about having lost the tote bag on Halloween, which sounds like a likely explanation.

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"Virgilio" is 1119th and "Eusebio" is 1064th

November 28, 2004

I am looking for an unusual male first name for a character in a short story, so I looked up a list of the most common male names as compiled by the US Census, and then scrolled to the bottom.

“Patricia” is the one thousand one hundred and ninety-second most common name for a man in the United States, just above “Luigi.”

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girls DO always want to eat the entire pie

November 27, 2004

Today I scanned a bunch of my newspaper articles, wrote a short story, and finished off my Thanksgiving food.

This holiday, I made a Single Person’s Thanksgiving Casserole, which worked fantastically and was also aesthetically pleasing. I much enjoyed being invited to Thanksgiving at my best friend’s house, but I also felt I needed leftovers to fully relish the occasion. I don’t really believe in recipes, but here’s the deal:

- Poke holes in a sweet potato, put it in a cute-looking square baking pan, and cook at 350 for about two hours.

- Add string beans and pre-cooked turkey meatballs (it’s like turkey and stuffing at the same time!) Drizzle olive oil over string beans, add garlic.

- Cook for another half an hour.

Put this stuff on a plate and dump out a big-ass can of cranberry sauce. Finish off with half an Entenman’s pumpkin pie (I trust any brand of pie distributed in Duane Reade!) Save leftovers. Repeat.

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I painted my kitchen wall "Tropical Mango"

November 26, 2004

I just sent this blurry home digital photo to a photographer to see if we can use this dress for a (real) photoshoot. It’s supposed to look vintage, but I don’t actually own any real vintage clothing, because I wear a size 2, and there just isn’t much of that in vintage stores. Also, call me crazy, but I like things that are new and shiny.

On an unrelated note, I’ve been hit with a number of double entendres (or just single entendres) recently. While art modeling, I was amused to note that the artist was using a pencil called a “Hard Shwarz.” If you’ve seen Spaceballs (“I see your schwartz is as big as mine!”), then, well, that’s funny. And actually, the pencil said “Hard Shwarz/Black,” in case that adds anything.

In my SAT class last weekend, the students were doing a timed exercise and came across an analogy that began “LUBRICATE : SMOOTHLY”. Whoever thought that this would be a good problem to give to high school students was very high on the crack train. So one student starts twittering, and then they’re all atwitter, and I’m saying “Think of cars! Think of cars!” and one student replies “But I’m NOT thinking of cars!”

And then, later that same afternoon, I’m on the train to go see the artist with the Hard Shwarz, and I see a sign for “Hand Wash & Lube,” and I think, wow, I’m glad I’m not on a train with a class full of sixteen year olds.

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In my former life as a dotcom entrepreneur, I used to make speeches about targeted internet marketing

November 26, 2004

The Google ads on my blog are targeted based on content (“content” being whatever I happen to be blogging about lately). As of this posting, the ads on this page are currently all about pumpkin pie and other pie recipes.

However, if you click on any individual post (such as to make a comment), the page for the post has its OWN targeted ads.

The post below about the parking tickets of foreign diplomats is carrying an ad for “BEAT NYC PARKING TICKETS!”

This page is the most bizarre — I mention Plato in the post, and the ads say things like “$200/Hour in Plato” and “Plato jobs”. I think Plato must be a city as well as a philosopher.

Best of all, on the page for the post just below this one, which mentions my best friend Molly Crabapple, there is an ad for “Flowering Crabapple Trees.”

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ah, the pleasures of matriarchy

November 26, 2004

I had Thanksgiving dinner with the luscious Molly Crabapple and her wonderful mother, who I think should henceforth be referred to as Madame Crabapple. I’m not sure she’d approve, but I think it’s apropos.

Maybe my mother could be “Mom is Famous”. I just looked up momisfamous.com to make sure it’s not a porn site, and I’m pleased to report that it is not.

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My dad sent me this joke over a year ago, but I was just talking to him, which reminded me of it

November 26, 2004

Why did the zombie baby cross the road?

To wreak an unholy vengeance upon the driver of the car who’s standing there, scratching his head, trying to figure out how a zombie baby’s head can be beneath his car tires but the rest of the body is nowhere to be seen– unless he were to turn around and notice the zombie baby body bearing down on him, coming ever closer, ready with grasping, pudgy zombie baby fingers to tear and rend at the flesh of this self-same driver who ran his head over, on the dark and rain-swept road that snakes down from the castle of the madman who’s creating an army of zombie babies to do his dark, libidinal bidding.

p.s. – This photo of my (gigantic) little brother on Halloween seemed appropriate.

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Mao disapproves of the Monkey Greets Cat Under the Cherry Blossom Tree position

November 26, 2004

I’ve been seeing a great many Falun Gong demonstrators in New York. Seeing six to eight elderly Chinese people sitting yoga-style in their socks on a street corner in Soho does generate enough notice that I will tend to take whatever literature they’re handing out, and consequently, I feel relatively persuaded that Falun Gong is a harmless, tai-chi like practice with innocuous spiritual beliefs like “moderation in all things,” and that the Chinese government shouldn’t capture and torture its practitioners.

That being said, what, exactly, do the Falun Gong demonstrators want Manhattanites to do about this? I don’t go standing on the streets in Shanghai telling people about the P*TRIOT Act.

Also, the other day in Grand Central I saw a woman who appeared to be a (Chinese) hunchbacked dwarf handing out Falun Gong literature. While one could admire the dedication of anyone who volunteers their time for a cause, I think this was just sending mixed marketing messages.

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Oh, the slings and arrows of outrageous double parking!

November 25, 2004

Mirth and amusement! Congress has voted to count the unpaid parking tickets of foreign diplomats against their nations’ foreign aid.

The unpaid parking tickets of such a small group of privileged individuals might sound like an miniscule problem, but apparently, New York would stand to recoup $195 million! I can’t imagine what parking must look like around the UN if these are the kind of fines that “deadbeat diplomats” are racking up.

Also, imagine being the ambassador from, say, Sudan. You just love exercising diplomatic immunity by blocking fire hydrants. And now you discover that for every $100 parking ticket, that’s, you know, ten sacks of rice your countrymen won’t be receiving.

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There’s nothing like pie and coffee. If only it were served by a diner waitress named after a month, like May or June.

November 24, 2004

I just spent $11 on Thanksgiving food, and that includes an entire pumpkin pie to eat by myself — some tonight, some for breakfast tomorrow, the rest after dinner.

My roommate heard about this plan and commented “That’s a girl thing. Girls always want to get a whole pie and eat it.” He likes to explain everything I do as “a girl thing.” I could say “I’m getting a flu shot on Tuesday” and he would say “Girls always want to get flu shots on Tuesday.”

In any case, I thought about going out, but really, the leftovers and all-day feasting are the thrust of the matter, so I went to the grocery store in Harlem and bought pie and sliced turkey and string beans and cranberry sauce and a single sweet potato, which I’m going to bake tomorrow

Incidentally, a single sweet potato will run you about twenty-nine cents. I don’t know why poor people in this country are so fat. Just feed your kids yams.

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and the bartenders wear kilts

November 24, 2004

This evening, I had haggis for the first time!

Apparently, in America, it’s against health regulations to actually serve or prepare the stuff in a sheep stomach, so instead they just sautee it in a pan and put it between layers of mashed potatoes, so it’s sort of like a shepherd’s pie with a slightly unusual taste.

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I like desserts made out of vegetables. Also, I enjoy Herculean challenges. Or self-torture.

November 23, 2004

My plans for this Thanksgiving involve:

- Buying a pumpkin pie and eating the entire thing myself.

- Possibly buying another pumpkin pie…

- Writing a novel. In five days!

Incidentally, it happens to be National Novel Writing Month. I originally signed up, then decided not to participate because I really have to work, and then realized that not much is going on over Thanksgiving and the subsequent weekend, and that I should write a novel in five days’ time. Today, I received this email from NaNoWriMo minion Chris Baty:

“For those of your contending with Thanksgiving travel and longwinded relatives this week, remember: Your novel needs you more than your family does. Hide a laptop in the bathroom, and cut down on food preparation time by letting younger family members forage for food in the backyard or nearby public parks. Uncovering treasure troves of edible acorns and cattail tubers will make the children feel like a valued part of the family, and will offer everyone assembled a welcome respite from tired Thanksgiving staples like turkey and stuffing.”

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caffeine improves all things, as is evidenced by the espresso martini

November 21, 2004

This evening I had dinner with a friend at a soul food place on the west side of Harlem. After a plate of short ribs and mac and cheese, I found myself wondering if Spoonbread Too is going to be open for Thanksgiving.

We finished off the meal with banana pudding, which, when ordering, I had imagined as a sort of smooth, easily digestible substance that would be easy to fit into my stomach after the huge meal I had just eaten; however, this banana pudding looked like a ginormous piece of banana cream pie, complete with crust and crumb topping, which had been smashed by some weighty bludgeoning object. Yes. Yes yes yes.

I had the pudding packed up for breakfast. The only thing better than a messy mess of banana pudding is banana pudding plus morning coffee.

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iTunes carries David Sedaris audio files

November 21, 2004

“Boys who spent their weekends making banana-nut muffins did not, as a rule, excel in the art of hand-to-hand combat.”

If I were terminally ill and there were a Make a Wish Foundation for adults, I would wish for the Sedaris family, David and Amy whoever else we can cajole into participating, to adopt me until I weakly, happily succumbed to my horrible disease, a moribund, honorary Sedaris.

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These two messages came right in a row. Please, someone get my mom her own blog.

November 21, 2004

Dear Jen,

Yes, you should get a plane ticket to come here for Christmas. In fact, if you don’t, you will need notes from your cat, doctor, psychiatrist and lawyer to save your backside.

Love Mom

Dear Jen,

I’M SO HAPPY. SPELL CHECKER CONFIRMED THAT I SPELLED PSYCHIATRIST CORRECTLY………YEAH! Unfortunately, it can’t confirm that I don’t need one.

Love Mom

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