An Open Letter to the Marketing Executive Who Names Shades of Pantyhose

February 24, 2005

Dear Marketing Executive Who Names Shades of Pantyhose:

I know that I’ll never be “suntan.” Even when I actually have a tan, my legs are far, far paler than “suntan.” I grew up in Virginia Beach, where, despite the presence of the beach, everyone goes to tanning salons to darken up all the fat they’ve accumulated from eating too much barbecue.

If I’m not “suntan” (and I’m certainly not “mocha” or the colors that are even darker than that), it looks like “beige” and “ivory” are the next couple of notches down, but again, my skin is paler than both of those hues. I wouldn’t want to be “beige” — that would make my complexion sound like the old family computer or the waiting room at the DMV — but, apparently, I am lighter than “ivory.” Having never physically juxtaposed my legs to the tusks of elephants, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt on this one.

Your next lightest shade on offer is “nude,” which, in some kind of Aryan color hegemony, indicates “a color paler than ivory.” But even “nude” is too dark for my skin. Yes, I am that pale. But if my nude legs aren’t nude, what (or who) is? And what about all the other women, carmel and mocha-colored women, whose nude legs obviously aren’t your idea of “nude” either? Call the guys over at Crayola — they changed that whole thing about the crayon called “flesh” way back in 1962. Now, you can go to the store and get a box of sixteen special crayons called, literally, “Multicultural Crayons,” so you can color a little United Nations of variably-hued people. Take a hint!

Now that we have established that I am not suntan, beige, ivory, or nude, well … now what? I once dated a Mexican guy who commented that instead of saying I have a “snow-white” complexion, I could alternately say I was the color of salt, cocaine, or aspirin. (Dear Mexican guy: Thanks for the compliments!)

According to the package of pantyhose my mom bought me because she’s the same moon-like, blinding shade of talc (and your pantyhose matched her perfectly!), the color designation you have afforded me is: “oatmeal.”

I am oatmeal-colored. This is not sexy, Mr. Pantyhose Man. If dark-skinned women get to be “carmel” and “mocha” and “espresso,” I want to be “fresh milk” … or “Zinfandel.” Shredded coconut? Raw sugar? Throw me a bone here.

Your loyal customer,
Jennifer Dziura

Posted by jen | Filed Under consumer affairs, humor 

Comments

2 Responses to “An Open Letter to the Marketing Executive Who Names Shades of Pantyhose”

  1. Lisa Chau on February 28th, 2005 9:37 pm

    Give up the search! Don’t wear any pantyhose! I hate pantyhose!

    I’m also surprised you’re looking for flesh-colored instead of black with seams. (My preference, if necessary.)

  2. Anonymous on May 2nd, 2007 10:39 pm

    Don’t listen to Lisa, keep wearing pantyhose! Instead of “Oatmeal”, try “Buff”. I think “Buff” sounds much better than “Oatmeal”. Pantyhose ARE sexy, and I would say that “Buff pantyhose” sound sexier than “Oatmeal pantyhose”.

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