I may have to send this in to Engrish.com

March 31, 2005

My friend Megan gifted me with this fabulous Japanacrazy bee-themed pencil box! (All bumblebee items now refer to spelling bees, whether entomologists like it or not. Funny, it’s like the concept of the “spelling bee” is the one thing that unifies entomologists and etymologists).


The poem reads:

Good luck and happy will be friends
It is a funny and amusing story for you
We show you the real friendship
Come and join us quickly!

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there will be world enough, and time, for my inbox

March 30, 2005

I am tremendously behind on all of my email; if you’ve sent me some, rest assured that it will be answered in due time, and that your message is healthily fermenting, developing a bouquet of cherries and sandalwood.

I have discovered that Bridget the Midget has retired from porn and joined a band.

I had leftover pad thai for breakfast. Thanks to the cowboy for that one.

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tonight is your last chance to spell!

March 28, 2005

========================
The Williamsburg Spelling Bee
Monday, March 28
7:30-9:00pm
Pete’s Candy Store, 709 Lorimer St.
http://www.petescandystore.com
========================

Compete tonight for prizes and a berth in the finals on April 11. We have massive PRIZES for the finals — including a grand cash prize, t-shirts, a “spelling bee champ” NEIGHBORHOODIE and other nifty goods. This is your last chance to qualify for the finals!

Make sure to ARRIVE EARLY — be there between 7:00 and 7:30 if you want to compete.

- Jenisfamous.com + bobbyblue

p.s. - Put April 11 on your calendar for the finals plus a spelling AFTERPARTY up front in the bar with drink specials and celebration into the night!

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Yes, my last name is Polish.

March 28, 2005

I am wearing a blonde wig and making kielbasa. Truly, this must be someone’s fantasy.

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I find this whole Terri Schiavo business extremely boring

March 28, 2005

The somewhat perturbing point for me is: why have liberals been backed into defending the position that we must, must, MUST not feed a hopeless vegetable? What kind of party platform is “We will station guards outside a hospice room door to make sure no one administers hopeless medical care to an empty husk of a former human being”? Who cares?

I sort of view feeding your vegetable like having an expensive pet that will never love you back but somehow gives you pleasure — like maintaining a very exclusive tropical fish.

Sure, you might question the wisdom of someone spending all their time and money on their tropical fish, but hey, that’s the pursuit of happiness. Cool. If you want to take care of it, go for it. That’s a hobby.

I suppose we might want some laws about taking care of vegetables — kind of like how, technically, I think animal welfare laws would prohibit you from abusing your exclusive tropical fish. So, don’t take your vegetable home and beat it with sticks. Just make it some soup. Oh, wait — it can’t eat soup. Well, read it a book. At least it’ll help keep you from getting Alzheimer’s. Reading is for everyone.

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praise Jesus, now eat some ham

March 27, 2005

Today is Easter, when Christ rose from the dead and squatted outside his tomb to bring forth multicolored eggs from his cold, ashen loins.

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maybe they could use hip-hop to teach proper capitalization

March 27, 2005

Today while art modeling, I thought, apropos to nothing, why hasn’t some Japanese hip hop artist put out an album called “Rapanese”?

When I got home, I googled the phrase and discovered that “Rapanese” is a language learning method, best known in a Spanish language learning book, described here by a publisher apparently unfamiliar with the rules and conventions of English:

First the lyrics (each of twelve lessons) are repeated slowly without music in both Spanish and English, just like conventional language tapes. Then the lyrics are repeated, sometimes long, with Awesome music. We repeat the Spanish and English words and phrases twice. You Do Not Get Bored because your mind fixates on the music and you pick up the Spanish the way you pick up the words to your favorite song. Your Mind Becomes Bilingual.

According to the reviews, the “Awesome music” is not, in fact, rap. Thus, Rapanese is neither rap, nor Japanese. What a waste of a perfectly good word.

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stealing men’s pants

March 27, 2005

The stealing of a tall man’s pants by a short woman is not as impractical as it may seem; women have proportionally longer legs in relation to their body size, so the difference in leg length between a tall man and a short woman is less than the difference in their height.

This has been a public service announcement from women who steal pants when it gets cold out.

p.s. - Belts are still a good idea.

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Salon post of the week re: feminism

March 25, 2005

I spent a couple of semesters at Dartmouth taking women’s studies classes. I’m not sure anyone’s ever quite hit on this before. On Salon, from one very perspicacious Mary Schumacher:

After 58 years of being a thinking, observing, participating woman in America, I’ve come to the conclusion that in our culture sexism is in many ways a secondary problem shaped and intensified by a much more primary problem — our hypercompetitive culture’s concept of masculinity is almost entirely bound to the concept of winning.

The upshot of that is, inevitably, that our culture is highly emasculating. Because winner-take-all competitiveness must naturally produce many, many more losers than winners.

Hypermasculinity (masculinism) is used both as a competitive tool (winners are more masculine, so the more masculine I act the more likely I am to win) and a face-saving device (the more masculine I act the less likely I will be seen as a loser).

Underneath all the acting, of course, are a lot of men who are and feel like losers. Especially as middle age approaches (when the hypermasculine browbeating of people deemed even weaker than oneself — women, minorities, liberals — administered by loudmouths like Limbaugh and O’Reilly — offers some psychic compensation for the low rung you’ve settled on in the pecking order.)

In this dynamic women are seen not so much as inferior as outside the game. This is a competition between men. What women are suppose to be is reward and compensation, what they are suppose to provide is consolation.

When women enter the game, when they do compete, there is a double whammy — more competition, and, even more important, less consolation. This creates incredible resentment.

This resentment and fear of losing the compensation and consolation women are expected to provide is, I think, a much more important component of sexism in our culture than actual feelings and ideas about women’s inferiority.

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if I keep selling CDs at this rate, I’m gonna buy myself a pony. okay, a My Little Pony.

March 25, 2005

A friend of a friend bought my CD, and I’ve since been informed that he’s listening to it on a continuous loop while he works, because it makes him feel like I’m “standing over him with a whip, urging him to work faster, work faster!”

On a positive note, CDBaby has sold out of my initial shipment of (five) CDs and has asked me to send more. My CD will also soon be for sale at Bowery Poetry Club!

My new variety show, the People’s Democratic Republic of the English Language, is seeking a venue. I’ve sent out a couple of proposals and am trying to get a good monthly spot. PDRoTEL will be a monthly comedy and musical comedy themed variety show, emceed by me, and rife with audience participation contests, including trivia, spelling and literary quizzes (”guess the author”), and other wordy diversions.

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