new video and audio clips are imminent!

April 10, 2005

My set at New York Comedy Club went great last night, and it was captured on video for posterity (a.k.a. my demo reel).

I have become very attached to my Schaffer the Darklord glasses, the ones I bought for my parody of “Attack of the Clonefucker,” and have decided to always wear them on stage. I like the way I look in glasses, and I do actually require corrective lenses to see, but my real glasses are too heavy to wear for more than an hour or two. So, I’ve now adopted the practice of wearing contacts and then fake glasses. I’d like to get laser eye surgery just as soon as several thousand dollars in unmarked bills drops out of the sky, but one of the dangers of laser eye surgery is that, if your eyes haven’t stopped changing, they can get worse again after the surgery and then you have to wear glasses again. I think that would be fine, though, since the new glasses would weigh approximately one-eleventy-hundredth the weight of my old ones, and also, presumably, I would be able to recognize objects like doorways, wolves, and the NYPD before even putting them on. Wearing cute little glasses to read? No problem.


In my set last night, I told some jokes about iPods, so I’m thinking I’ll send a copy of my reel to Apple and see if they care. I also told jokes about that guy who mugged a baby, but I think it would be less effective to mail a DVD to, um, jail.

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my FreshDirect order is late, my printer is out of ink, and I need to go be in a comedy show now

April 9, 2005

How funny! Ha ha. Ha.

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the memo that just won’t die

April 8, 2005

So, let me get this straight…. according to Salon’s account:

When the Terri Schiavo story became national news in mid-March, a curious subplot revolved around a talking-points memo that was reportedly distributed to Republican senators. Reported first by ABC News, and then by the Washington Post, the existence of a memo, which made crass — and ill-advised, it turns out — assertions that the Schiavo story was a political winner for Republicans, gave Democrats ammunition in their insistence that the GOP’s involvement in the right-to-die case was more about politics than morality.

The document described the case as “a great political issue” that would excite “the pro-life base” and be “a tough issue for Democrats.” Then right-wing bloggers tried to claim the memo was a fake planted by the Dems, but…

Late on Wednesday, the Washington Post reported that the author of the memo had stepped forward: An aide to Republican Sen. Mel Martinez of Florida admitted he had written it. Now the facts are clear: The memo is real, and it was written by the Republican side and distributed by the Republican side, making it a GOP talking-points memo.

So … shockingly (!), Republicans did some thinking about how (wait for the kicker…) current events might benefit their party.

Um … okay. I am not at all shocked that Republicans have an interest in using hot-button topics to their own advantage. “A woman in a coma is at the center of a vigorous debate — how can we use this to benefit our party?” “It’s raining out — how can we use this to get our guy elected?” Awesome. That’s what politicians do.

In fact, I would really like the Democrats to do more such strategizing. That’s your goddamn job. I vote for you, you make shit happen and try to get re-elected. Start now! When something happens, write a memo about how to use it to win stuff. Please. I would like my elected representatives to stop complaining about the other side playing politics. It’s like my hometown baseball team complaining that the other guys are exercising before the season starts.

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crouching jen, hidden dragon

April 8, 2005

Last weekend, I did a photoshoot for a movie poster in which I was perched on high heels and contorted into a dance pose (stick your butt out! now put your head back!) for hours. This photo was snapped during a break, when I was crouched, trying to alleviate the backache that lasted days.

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Spelling Bee: April 11 Finals + afterparty

April 8, 2005

The first-ever Williamsburg Spelling Bee finals at Pete’s Candy Store are this Monday, April 11!  If you plan to compete and haven’t pre-registered, please email me!

If you aren’t competing, attending is still worth your while — we will have mini-competitions (trivia, spell-this-word-backwards, guess the language or origin …) in between the rounds so everyone can participate and win prizes.

Schedule for finals — arrive at 7pm at Pete’s Candy Store!

7pm - Check-in for contestants. Spelling bee founder bobbyblue and his band, bobbyblue y las flores, will perform a short set including the spelling bee theme song. See the theme song with a full band for the first time ever!

7:30pm - The bee begins! On time!

10pm - End of bee and afterparty up front in the bar!

See you on Monday at 7!

S-i-n-c-e-r-e-l-y,
Jenisfamous and bobbyblue

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"travel floss"! in little containers that look like bottle caps

April 8, 2005

My new dentist, it turns out, is a big comedy fan and wants to come see one of my shows!

Also, despite having not been to the dentist since college, I have no cavities, for a grand total of no cavities ever. This is so spiffy.

Also: free bag of stuff from the dentist is way too exciting. It doesn’t matter how much you paid for something; if you get a free toothbrush, it’s a consummate bargain. The guy in the Guiness Book for being the best salesman ever had a trick — he bought a bunch of fancy gold keychains for $100 each. He put the keys to the new cars on the keychains. And then, when it came time for the critical moment of sale, he held out the keys, and the customer would reach for them — and then the customer had just bought himself a car.

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Williamsburg Spelling Bee official news

April 7, 2005

The finals of the Williamsburg Spelling Bee are this Monday, April 11, from 7-10pm. The next season begins April 25.

The last few bees, we’ve noticed we’ve really had to hurry towards the end. We don’t like to rush, so next season we’ll be starting earlier, and, beginning in June, ending later. (The first three bees of next season have bands booked right after, so we have to keep it short by limiting competition to the first 14 contestants, but after that we’re golden).

Here is the complete next season schedule.  Put April 25 on your calendar! As always, the bee is at Pete’s Candy Store.

April 25 — 7-8:30 (limited to first 14 contestants)
May 9 — 7-8:30 (limited to first 14 contestants)
May 23 — 7-8:30 (limited to first 14 contestants)
June 13 — 7-9:30
June 27 — 7-9:30
July 11 — 7-9:30
July 25 — 7-9:30
Aug 8 — 7-9:30
Aug 22 — 7-9:30
Sept 5 - Labor Day (NO SPELLING BEE)
Sept 19 — 7-9:30
Oct 3 — 7-9:30
Oct 17 - Finals! - 7-10

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surrealist pastry chefs

April 7, 2005

On Wednesday, I attended a Dartmouth alumni event at the Grand Hyatt near Grand Central. Due to massive ADD and just general boredom with the particulars of, say, Board of Trustees elections, I didn’t make it through more than fifteen minutes of the actual presentation. As I had paid for coat check, I made sure to eat an equivalent dollar value’s worth of brie and berries, and then hightailed it out of there before I started contemplating a new career in finance.

Anyway, the Hyatt is displaying “the world’s largest chocolate tax return,” created by their pastry chef. It’s actually white chocolate, with the form printed on it in dark chocolate.

If you show up at the Hyatt at 8:30 on April 15, you can help eat the giant tax return.

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a whale is not a fish. a whale is not a fish. not a fish!

April 7, 2005

I heard the dumbest conversation ever at FIT the other day. Two girls were waiting for the elevator, and one opened her beverage and discovered a “fun fact” inside the cap.

“It says that the whale shark is the largest fish and it weighs two tons. That’s impossible!”

“Why?”

“A fish can’t weigh ten thousand pounds!”

I turned back. “Um … a ton is just 2,000 pounds,” I said.

“Oh, thanks,” she said. Then to her friend: “A fish can’t weigh four thousand pounds!”

The friend said “I think it can. I mean, a whale is a fish, and it’s pretty big.”

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The NYTimes subscription help line is still playing Christmas tunes

April 2, 2005

I just listened to “Jingle Bells” while calling to complain that I never receive the Sunday paper. Always Saturday, never Sunday. Someone is utterly stealing my Sunday Times (but apparently doesn’t need,say, the Book Review).

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I at least have to keep the thing til my can of protein powder runs out

April 2, 2005

I broke my “smoothie maker” (i.e., the simplified plastic blender I got free at the bank) by dropping the pitcher part on the ground as I was trying to wash it. It cracked, but still looked like it might be usable, so I made a smoothie and discovered I had to put my hand over the crack in the pitcher so my protein shake wouldn’t ooze out everywhere.

It’s like, before I had a smoothie maker, I felt no need for a blender of any kind. But now that I have had a smoothie maker and lost it, there is a hole in my life that can only be filled by a blender-type appliance, and I will therefore have to go purchase one.

Thanks a lot, free gift from the bank.

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New York is drizzly and so is my heart

April 2, 2005

Today I got off the 4 train and stepped across the platform to catch the 6. I sat down my bag and adjusted my gloves and then someone yelled “Miss!”

I turned, and a man heroically hurled my umbrella out the closing doors of the 4 train. A handful of passengers watched and smiled with satisfaction as I shouted “Thank you!” and went to pick it up.

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my CD is now available at Jigsaw Gallery

April 2, 2005

My CD is now available at the Jigsaw Gallery, on E 11th St between Avenues A and B.

You can stop in and ask for a listen on the house sound system! Meaning that, if you do so, I could broadcasting sadomasochistic performance poetry to any and all passersby.

Or, just stop in and buy something :) Jigsaw has a lot of little indie comic books and graphic novels. And cheap paintings, including some of robots. I covet those. I covet my neighbor’s paintings of robots.

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by the way, I thought Million Dollar Baby was maudlin and poorly written

April 2, 2005

It has just occurred to me that I’ll have to take out my nose jewelry if I want to start boxing again, and that people have told me that when you take nose studs out, the hole starts closing up in less than an hour. Hrm.

I suppose I’d have to take out the belly button one, too. Funny, when I boxed in college, I really never got hit in the stomach, because I was shorter than the guys — there would just be no way from them to get in there without severely compromising their balance and/or opening themselves up to a good whack in the head.

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like a very whiny Sphinx, she watches

April 1, 2005

My cat, Cow, figured out how to get on the refrigerator, which is often unnerving; one does not expect to encounter a cat at eye-level.

Following the scaling of the fridge, Cow figured out how to get on top of the kitchen cabinets. It looks like this:

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harlem got the pace in it/crooklyn keeps on takin it

April 1, 2005

I’m listening to Cocoa Brovaz’ “Spanish Harlem.” I feel bad for all the people whose neighborhoods don’t have hip-hop tributes.

I be frying bitches up like cuchifritos.

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"rice is great when you’re hungry and you want two thousand of something"

April 1, 2005

Mitch Hedburg has died! Mitch was one of my favorite comics, a master of the one-liner. I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

He has a DVD available on Netflix called “Mitch All Together.” The title comes from this joke (which is much better delivered in his trademark stoner voice):

You know they call corn on the cob, corn on the cob, but that’s how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that corn, they should call every other version corn off the cob. It’s not like if you cut off my arm you would call it Mitch. Then reattach it and call me Mitch-all-together…

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