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I punched a girl with braces

June 30, 2005

My latest article, about being the first woman captain of Dartmouth’s boxing team, is up in the Writing section.

folks from St. Jude

June 30, 2005

Yesterday on the 6 train, I sat across from what appeared to be a New York woman in her mid-thirties entertaining a visit from her loud, ill-attired suburban parents.

They were all discussing some fourth person (say, “other daughter”) who likes Asti Spumante, which “mom” totally couldn’t pronounce, and then “mom” went on to say that “other daughter” had at some point requested a mimosa, and mom’s reply had been (imagine this really loud on the 6):

“A mimosa? That’s not a drink, that’s a tree we have outside the trailer!”

some sugar in my smoking?

June 30, 2005

Yesterday I bought a coffee from a street cart and it came in one of those cups with advertising printed on it (maybe the coffee carts consequently receive the cups for free?)

I have sometimes gotten cups that were a little weird, like one with a bright blue Colgate ad, but then again, I’ve also posted here about Freshdirect’s peculiar but astute cross-marketing wherein, when you buy coffee, the bottom of the page says “Customers who bought this product also purchased: Half and Half, Crest Whitestrips.”

This cup, however, was garishly bright yellow, pictured a happy face with a cigaratte coming out of its mouth, and was an ad for an online discount cigarette outlet. I don’t want to walk around holding an ad for that! Even if it’s run by Native Americans!

It took me a minute after buying the coffee to realize just what I was holding, and it seemed too frivolous to go back and request another cup. I mean, if I had been in an actual store, I would certainly have complained.

That, of course, is one of the benefits of Starbucks or other corporate leviathans — if I don’t like my drink at Starbucks, even if only because I ordered something made with, say, caramel, and I don’t like caramel, I can go back up to the counter and tell them the drink is terrible, and they’ll toss it out and make me a new one. Your risk is absorbed. And if I want my drink in an extra-big cup, or super-insulated in two cups, or half-skim with a Santaria blessing over it, they’ll even hold back on the eye-rolling while complying.

The cigaratte cup, though … how unappetizing! What’s next? Maybe the pro-lifers could sponsor a bloody-fetus cup. How persuasive!

new comedy clip! for you! to laugh! click me!

June 28, 2005

New comedy! This is from my Caroline’s show, but if you weren’t there, you haven’t heard it. I’ve finally figured out how to edit sound in iMovie. Here you are:

French Women Don’t Do Pilates

As far as I know, you shouldn’t have to log into MySpace to hear this. Let me know if you have trouble.

Reminder: Next comedy show July 8 – make reservations now!

boxing article

June 28, 2005

My article about being the first woman captain of the boxing team has
just come out in the Dartmouth Alumni Magazine. Maybe I’ll scan and
post it.

"renegade" my ass

June 28, 2005

My Renegade Craft Fair post has generated enough comment (much of it in person, not on the blog) that I am thinking maybe I’ll hold my own craft fair, involving actual crafts.

I think part of the problem with the RCF was that it cost at least $125 to rent a space, which would be prohibitive to someone who makes potholders in their spare time. Maybe I could find some dumpy little church meeting area and offer table space for $15 and we could all eat PB&J sandwiches together.

Incidentally, I make my own refrigerator magnets, often out of beans and interesting beer bottle caps.

step off, bitches

June 28, 2005

Social networking sites are great, but I hear that if you’re a guy (like my cowboy), you get a lot of (sometimes inexplicable) come-ons from hookers or webcam porn girls, and sometimes you just don’t know which or what.

I’m thinking of cribbing some random photo of a guy and joining Friendster as him to see if I get a mailbox full of Skankmail. Kind of like gay guys who post to Craigslist personals as women to collect naked guy pictures.

(I suppose here is a fine place to link to a track — called “Don’t Believe Everything You Read on Craigslist” — off my spoken word CD. There’s a sound clip on CDBaby.)

spelling, trivia, bad sex, yarmulkes

June 27, 2005

And now, the Jenisfamous official event schedule for the week:

Monday! The Williamsburg Spelling Bee! 7-9pm at Pete’s Candy Store

Tuesday! Megan’s Quiz Show, Throbbing Brains Onstage!

THURSDAY! Jen reads in “Bad Dates, Bad Sex,” a literary event at Cornelia St. Cafe! 6-8pm, 29 Cornelia Street (West Village), $6 includes one drink. Jen will be reading the only known short story about a girl with a Jew fetish.

Through all this, I never had a desire to convert. I wanted to love Jewish men, consume them through sex, marry a man in a yarmulke. Just as I wouldn’t have dated a convert, a fake Jew, I wouldn’t have become one. I wanted Judaism from the outside.

Friday, July 8 – make comedy reservations now

June 26, 2005

Last night’s show at New York Comedy Club went well. I should have an MP3 for my blog audience in the next few days (“layering is the lather-rinse-repeat of our generation!”)

And now, the next show!

Jen at New York Comedy Club
Friday, July 8

8pm show, please arrive at 7:40pm for seating
$10 cover + 2 drink minimum

New York Comedy Club is located at 241 E 24th Street, between 2nd and 3rd Aves.

RESERVATIONS A MUST! (That means you, good sirs and madames!) Call 212-696-5233 and say you are making reservations for the July 8, 8pm show to see Jennifer Dziura.

oh, how I miss thee, purveyors of the fourth-grade reading level

June 26, 2005

Doing some research in my old hometown paper, I found this column by a columnist complaining that her editor won’t let her use the word “schadenfreude” in the paper because “no one knows what it means.”

“I see it all the time in The New Yorker,” she protests.

He replies: “That’s nice. Next time you write a piece for The New Yorker, use it. In the meantime, don’t.”

I am so glad I moved to New York.

p.s. When I wrote for the Pilot, they would’ve let me say “schadenfreude.” I would’ve insisted it was the “teen perspective” these days.

headline: Canadians discover the ‘muff

June 26, 2005

This week I had the pleasure of trying the Hearmuff, a fleecy hat or earmuff-style fleece headband with built-in speakers, for use with iPod or other music-playing device.

I met Alan, the Hearmuff founder, on a modeling site where he was looking for models and ended up hearing some of my comedy and eventually we ended up having a drink. I tried the red headbandy Hearmuff with my iPod Shuffle, and although there was no mirror, the sound quality was better than my earbuds, and I like to imagine I looked like a cute skibunny.

Here’s one I’ll bet he’s heard before: Hey, if you designed a waterproof version for SCUBA enthusiasts, you could call it the MuffDiver.

Ba-dump-bump.

make some clothespin people before you choke on your own hipness

June 26, 2005

I wanted to like the Renegade Craft Fair, but I didn’t.

First of all, McCarren Park is a scorchingly hot, treeless hellplain marked by irregular patches of sickly grass. Also, there were no food or drink vendors anywhere in sight, and I did look before sun poisoning forced me back onto the L.

But the real issue: when I attend a craft fair, I want to buy inexpensive, kooky tchotkes from old ladies or dorky-but-hip-in-their-own-way girls who latch-hook or decoupage as a hobby, or to drown the pain of the Golden Girls no longer being in production.

I do not want to buy pricey, ultra-hip shirts and purses and hats made in small batches by DIY “designers” with their own logos and product lines and websites.

Oh, look, it’s a felt purse with Rosie the Riveter on it. Oh, look, it’s a stuffed tampon with a happy, feminist face on it. Oh, look — it looks like Jane magazine threw up.

Amy Sedaris is coming to Brooklyn for a craft fair?

June 24, 2005

Look for me and Megan buying hand-crocheted pasties in the park!

The Renegade Craft Fair is coming to Brooklyn.

Renegade is an independent and unconventional craft fair embracing a D.I.Y aesthetic, which makes it less stodgy and more edgy than traditional arts and crafts festivals.

Brooklyn’s fair will host about 150 vendors who will showcase and sell their one-of-a-kind handmade wares, including reconstructed clothing, comics, zines, jewelry, silkscreened gigposters, and more.

McCarren Park, Williamsburg, Brooklyn
10:30a-5p; $free
Continues SUNDAY

Dear Lindsay, maybe you should take a break and try college

June 24, 2005

“It’s very weird in L.A. You’ll go out and see someone that you dated and they’ll be with an ex-girlfriend and then you’ll run into the ex-girlfriend and you’ll like a person who dated this other girl and then you want to leave and it’s not fun and then someone writes about it and there’s drama and everyone hates everyone and then you’re all friends again. It’s so much.”
- Lindsay Lohan

maybe "dziura" across my clavicles?

June 24, 2005

I just saw a guy in my neighborhood with his last name (Morales) tattooed down his arm in boxy, ornate Gothic letters. The “m” was up on his shoulder and the “s” down on his wrist … and it looked fantastic. Like something that would be pictured on the cover of a rap album, along with the enormous crucifix that would be hanging around his neck. (He must’ve left that at home).

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