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mocking the defenseless

June 24, 2005

One of my guilty early morning pleasures is reading the sniping from the heartless bitches (a.k.a. fashion police, a.k.a. champions of a strange new modesty that has taken over Hollywood “culture”) over at Go Fug Yourself.

But alas, since they have not updated their site since I last checked five hours ago, I direct you to my favorite post, a faux letter from Britney:

I have A LOT GOING ON. I am fighting the false tabloids and I am trying to help Kevin make an album although HE IS NO JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE and I am NOT just talking about SINGING but you didn’t hear that from me. I am ALSO trying to create a warm and loving womb for my fetus, like I read in some book about babies and stuff, and I am ALSO trying to quit Red Bull because it’s bad for the baby AND I caught Kevin stealing money from my purse the other day and I am beginning to regret even marrying him because for one thing LOOK AT HIS PANTS.

Once upon a time, I won an award in humor writing, and with my exceedingly limited expertise, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that these bitches have real talent. Bitches.

Throbbing Brains Onstage

June 24, 2005

Extraordinarily detail-minded blog readers who border on potential stalkers may have noticed a new link under “Friends” — my friend Megan’s quiz show, Throbbing Brains Onstage. Here’s the info on what promises to be the most extraordinary new bar-based trivia event of the century:

Throbbing Brains Onstage, a fantasia quiz show that revives the thrill of the Fifties-era quiz shows that glorified eggheads and helped bring them out of their shells. Booty for winners includes a cash prize, a free drink, and the public performance of a hit song written for and about them and their triumph. Free to watch, $2 to get onstage and compete, 5-person limit for teams.

SOUTHPAW (directions)
June 28th at 8pm
Followed by the lava-hot Spunk Lads
Come by 7:30, tell the doorperson you’re there for the Throbbing Brains Onstage Quiz Show and you can avoid a cover charge.

you never hear about consumer products companies testing eyeliner on wombats

June 23, 2005

My “natural” shaving cream says “no animal cruelty” below an icon indicating that the product is not tested on animals:

…except the one on my shaving cream doesn’t have the helpful words around the edges, so instead it just looks like “No Bunnies Allowed!”, as though the wombats of the third grade made a tree fort and are in a socially superior clique to the bunnies.

Or else the symbol could mean “Don’t Shave Bunnies!”

there are logic classes that cover the difference between deductive reasoning and inductive reasoning

June 23, 2005

Star magazine has reported that Britney Spears may be having twins, based on evidence that 1) she is fat, and 2) she’s been shopping in both the girls’ and boys’ departments.

First of all, this is the very same magazine that routinely publishes photos of Britney eating Doritos and guzzling Red Bull. Women get fat when they do that. Women get fat even when they don’t. Pregnant celebrities (“baby bump,” how cute) aren’t exactly the model of what the human body was meant to do.

Second of all, if you were fantastically wealthy, you could buy as many baby clothes as you want and then get rid of all the ones that don’t properly coordinate with your baby’s gender.

let’s not even get started with the "fish and chip" shop

June 22, 2005

In Ft. Greene today, I saw a truck drive by with lots of Spanish phraseology painted on it, and one English heading:

CHRISTIAN DRUGS

rehabilitation center

In between the “Christian Drugs” and the subsequent explanation was a big logo, leading one to think that perhaps the truck is delivering Christian drugs somewhere (whatever those might be).

Of course, the “drugs” versus “drug” grammar issue here is one frequently seen in the business signage of non-native English speakers who have not grasped that the “drug” in “drug rehab” is being used as an adjective, and thus does not mean only one drug, as opposed to many.

So we get the “Nails Salon” and the “Flowers Shop,” each of which makes sense in its own way — of course they paint all your nails, and sell you many flowers at once.

if vertical stripes are slimming, maybe they should try printing horizontal stripes on condoms

June 22, 2005

In Duane Reade today, I giggled like a schoolgirl upon seeing Lifestyles’ new “vibe” condom, which is actually a small, square box containing one condom and one reusable vibrating ring.

The Lifestyles website currently features an animated intro about their new “pleasure” products, most of which look kind of lame — condoms packaged with “warming massage oil” and the same softcore “pleasure-enhancing” products that have been sold in novelty stores for decades and have yet to revolutionize the sexual lives of Americans.

The site also features an online STD test, which I must say demonstrates a serious failure in thinking things through. All of the questions involve pretty serious signs of STDs (do you have a rash?), as though to imply that people who have no obvious symptoms are home free.

Incidentally, I have a comedy bit on my MySpace page about buying condoms at Duane Reade — it’s in the clip called…

Ribbed for Her Pleasure

actual AP news item

June 22, 2005

June 22, 2005 | JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Police say a man who woke up with a serious headache walked 12 blocks to a hospital with a swollen lip and powder burns. Doctors discovered the problem. 47-year-old Wendell Coleman had a bullet lodged in his tongue.

Coleman told police that a woman stuck a gun barrel in his mouth during a dispute around 2:30 Tuesday morning and that he heard the gun go off.

Police say Coleman then went home to sleep.

What authorities did with the bullet wasn’t clear last night.

Can’t you just hear the supercilious tone dripping from this? I love news items written by frustrated fiction writers.

While Wendell Coleman comes out here sounding kind of retarded, I’ll bet there’s some kind of strong physiological reason he went home and went to sleep. Our bodies aren’t really programmed to go to the emergency room, the emergency room being a fairly recent development in human evolution. Maybe when you get shot in the tongue, you have an irresistable urge to go to sleep for a very, very long time, so your body can heal itself around the bullet. At that point, you could walk around St. Marx Place and receive compliments on your body modifications.

Also, the woman who bought this gun deserves a refund.

who needs drugs?

June 22, 2005

I woke up terribly concerned that the Chock Full O’ Nuts coffee stand at W 32nd and Broadway was not open — at 9am on a weekday! I then told myself that it almost certainly was open, but that I was at the dream Chock Full O’ Nuts stand, which has different hours. And then I went back to sleep, where I went in search of dream coffee.

it would be awesome if Shannen were googling herself and found this

June 22, 2005

It has been pointed out to me that, in my new front page photo, I look rather much like Shannen Doherty.

I have blogged about this phenomenon before, although at my college reunion I also had someone tell me I looked like Tori Amos with her hair straightened, which was a departure from the usual 90210 business.

cinematic commentary for the day

June 22, 2005

In the special features of the Fame DVD, there is a featurette about the Fame School now, with interviews of circa-2000 students and teachers. One of the people interviewed is, however, clearly the drama teacher from the movie, aged twenty years.

He was identified with both his real name and the character’s name, which is certainly normal for an actor in a film, but then he kept saying things like “This movie has been great for our school,” which was confusing, until I was finally able to put two and two together and realize that they had hired the real drama teacher at Fame School to play the drama teacher at Fame School (whereas they had not, say, hired the dance teacher to play the dance teacher) because … he’s an actor.

Brilliance. Hiring actors to play themselves in a film where actors also must be hired to play the non-actors … there ought to be a term for this.

cross-dressing Brits in leg warmers

June 21, 2005

I just re-watched the movie “Fame,” and then discovered this review on IMDB:

Don’t attempt street theatre in Aylesbury to this film’s soundtrack
Author: Neonsamurai from London, England

Nobody ever takes responsibility for his or her own actions these days:

A kid jumps out of a window dressed as a superhero and breaks his leg; Blame the film ‘Superman’.

An 8-year-old girl steals a Ferrari and crashes it into Toys ‘R Us; Blame ‘The fast and the Furious’.

A toddler tries to shoot the pope with a customised Walther WA 2000, loaded with mercury tipped bullets; Blame ‘Mrs Doubtfire’.

Yet when I get reported to the police for borrowing ladies clothing from a washing line, arresting officers actually laughed (that’s right, laughed!) when I tried to blame ‘Fame’, or more specifically ‘The Kids from Fame’. That’s right, Thames Valley Police refused to allow ME the right to pass the responsibilities for MY actions onto the movie ‘Fame’.

This fat, ugly copper looks at me and says; `Errrr… I’m pretty sure ‘The Kids from Fame’ didn’t dress up in old ladies bloomers sir. And why have you got a bra on your head?’ It’s like living in a Nazi police state! One false accusation after another!

I give the film ‘Fame’ a rating of 2 out of 10 when used as an alibi.

this is what happens when you copy the entire contents of an ex-boyfriend’s iTunes

June 21, 2005

I’m listening to New Order and trying to catch up on all my mail. Sorry if I’m behind in getting back to you.

This Saturday, June 25 – my next comedy show

June 20, 2005

---

New York Comedy Club
Saturday June 25th
7:30pm

241 East 24th Street between 2nd & 3rd Avenues

$10 plus 2 drink minimum.
Cash only for the $10 cover
No reservations – first come first serve.

---

If you’d like to come, can you please email me and let me know? Thanks!

large inflatable white man

June 20, 2005

Here are my pictures from the Puerto Rican Day festivities the weekend before last, both taken out my living room windows. The first photo shows the inflatable Home Depot handyman who was stationed outside my door, accompanied by Spanish-language slogans about paint and varnish. The second shows why it took fifteen minutes to walk one block to the subway.

from a friend in L.A.

June 20, 2005

Despite having extensively covered my Dartmouth reunion on this blog, this was too good not to post:

I miss some things about Hanover. What you said about the clean air reminded me of most of them. The mountains up there are much more solid and joyous than the earthquake-formed shit-piles out here. I realized out here that what I meant by “I love nature,” when I said and meant it, was that “I love Eastern Deciduous Forests.”

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