wet and loquacious

September 30, 2005

For your edification: Amazon sells a Top 100 SAT Words Shower Curtain.

The product description reads:

A simple, effective, and stress free learning tool for your children taking the SATs, allowing them to learn the top 100 most common SAT vocabulary words while taking a shower. Increase vocabulary and help them become a better reader, writer and speller.

Bonus points for anyone who can identify the two or more grammar errors that appear in this passage.

Update: Diopter said in the comments that “a better reader, writer and speller” should be “better readers, writers and spellers.” True, true. But there is another version of the same error also contained in the passage. To wit:

“…allowing them to learn … while taking a shower.”

Just as the first error implies that all the children will become a single reader, writer, and speller, this error implies that all of the children will be taking a single shower. And not just in the sense that the children must shower incestuously, but also in the sense that each child may use the shower curtain during only a single shower; no matter how much the siblings enjoy showering together, they may not repeat the experience, regardless of the merits of improving one’s SAT score.

I love my job.

Jen

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back to the hive

September 30, 2005

This evening on the 6 train I sat next to a lady who was reading the Times’ style section with the spelling bee article in which I appeared.

She was right next to me, almost touching me with a picture of me. Hott! I think she skipped the spelling bee article to read the article about laser beard sculpturing.

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Derelicte!

September 30, 2005

At one point, I had some jokes in my comedy act about moving to New York, including a bit about homeless people, and how it would really help if they were cuter, because that’s what matters for endangered animals.

In the process of making that point, I commented “When I first moved to New York, I was really disturbed by all the homeless people everywhere. But then I went through a six-month Empathy Adjustment Period, and now I could give a shit like the rest of you.”

I like making people feel bad for laughing.

Piled in my to-do pile is an article I tore out of Big News, that newspaper that homeless people sell on the subway for $1. Persuaded by the “this gives us a job and keeps us from asking for handouts” speech, I bought one, and was absolutely confounded by an article therein.

The article, by Toby Van Buren, is entitled “A Guide to Homelessness.” Here is the introduction:

When I was suddenly homeless in Mamaroneck, New York, in April, 1996, I knew that I had to quickly get out of there — it’s no place to be homeless!” New York is where I knew I had to go, the homeless capital of the world, where you can blend in with people & get things you need. Even though I had my last $600 or so on me, I wanted to get where I knew I’d eventually have the basic necessities when my money ran out.

Now, I know conservatives are busy ragging on gays and Muslims right now, but during various periods (for instance, the Reagan years), conservatives have been preoccupied with vilifying the poor. Mr. Van Buren — who goes on to talk about living on the streets for five years because he “hated the idea of shelters,” and instead loitering at McDonald’s and Barnes & Noble, and using the internet in public libraries — is just giving them ammunition. He seems to be saying that the more social services we provide, the more marginally poor (and, apparently, lazy) people we will attract to homelessness!

He had only his “last $600,” and his solution was to become homeless? I mean, I know plenty of comedians who get by, non-homelessly, without ever having $600 on them at one time, except perhaps the day before the rent is due. Does it occur to them to live in the park? Park-bench living makes it difficult to keep the corners of one’s headshots from crinkling. So, no, those down to their “last $600″ crash on a friend’s couch, or rent a room in a bad part of town, or move back in with relatives. $600 is not an insubstantial sum of money. I moved to New York with less.

Mr. Van Buren’s article contained a passage about the value of spending time in nature, as public parks are free and “very healing.” So, someone down to his last $600 (in a town that almost certainly offered more reasonably-priced housing than New York) was so attracted to park space and free food and blankets (with no job-hunting requirements) from charitable organizations that he actually elected to move to the city and become indefinitely homeless.

Good job, New York! You have made homelessness aspirational.

Posted by jen | Categories: New York, comedy, economics, homelessness  | 1 Comment | | Email This Post Email This Post

how to get a (theoretical) bargain

September 30, 2005

Last week, I used some of my egg money to get in on the very last day of a deal wherein one may purchase a computer and an iPod at the same time, and thereby receive a $179 rebate. My items have arrived, and I now have an excessive quantity of technology.

I figured that, between the rebate and the sale of my old iBook, I would recoup a substantial portion of the costs of this purchase, but it turns out my old iBook (which is a 2003 model, outwardly identical to the new iBook) is only worth about $350.

I discovered, however, that my new iBook, for whatever software/OS related reason, has the added benefit of being compatible with this essay-grading system that my job uses to allow its teachers to make extra money by grading student essays online. We make $1/essay, averaging about $20-30/hour.

So, I did the math — If I sell my old iBook for $350, sell my old digital voice recorder (which has been replaced by my iPod-plus-accessories) for $30, and get my $179 rebate, I will only need to grade 1,072 essays to break even!

I hope a lot of wealthy kids sign up for SAT classes.

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bobby and I are, ephemerally, one square inch of major news media

September 29, 2005

The photo from the print edition of today’s Times appears (in a tiny, cropped version) on the front page of nytimes.com right now! Pick up the print edition to see the whole thing. And here, preserved for posterity:

click for article
See also: I Really Did Stay Up Until After Midnight…, How to Attend the Spelling Bee, and New York Times picture.

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How to Attend the Spelling Bee

September 29, 2005

Lots of website visitors today! You guys sure know how to google! Some of you, though, have asked questions about competing in the spelling bee. This is simple to do, open to all, and free (please tip your bartender graciously).

There is one regular season bee left, this upcoming Monday, October 3. (After that is the finals on October 17th, and then season three will begin November 14th). To attend, just show up at Pete’s Candy Store at 7pm to be safe, 7:15 at the latest, to sign the list. We are at Pete’s Candy Store, 709 Lorimer St. in Williamsburg (map).

On alternate Mondays, when there is no spelling bee, you can come to my free comedy show, same time, same place.

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unattractive imagery

September 29, 2005

A friend called and apologized for a typo in a comment about me on her blog.

Instead of saying I had “long pretty black hair,” (which is nice, thank you), she said I had “long pretty back hair,” which is totally gross. I hadn’t even seen it yet (and it was clear from the context what was intended, so I might not have even noticed it), so it was kind of strange that she called instead of just going and fixing it. Hmmn, maybe she can’t blog from work. That makes sense.

On an utterly unrelated note, I got a call from FHM magazine. Sexy!

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"outsourcing" in French is "approvisionnement à l’extérieur"

September 29, 2005

My iPod was shipped to me via FedEx from Shanghai.

I hope the Chinese can spell in French.

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I really did stay up until after midnight, waiting for this to be posted

September 29, 2005

The spelling bee article is now in the New York Times! The print version has a picture of contestants Jonathan Lill and Josh Malamy, and organizers bobbyblue and me, on the front page. The online version, for whatever reason, has only a picture from Spellbound (the documentary) and a picture from the 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee (the musical). So … go buy a New York Times!

Here’s a nice bit:

While challenging, the bees are decidedly less anxiety provoking than their school counterparts. Occurring well after sunset, adult bees are more like unscripted cabaret shows than cutthroat competitions. “Spelling bees for kids are kind of cruel,” said Jennifer Dziura, 26, a comedian and an M.C. of the bee at Pete’s Candy Store, which takes place every other Monday. “We have three strikes and you’re out, and moral support applause.”

The Night Life of Bees

Update: A journalist friend in Connecticut writes “The paper’s sitting here in my lap… You are kicking Kate Moss’s wasted ASS!”

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Wednesday night blogtime

September 29, 2005

I am sad today. I still have a bruise on my hand from the IV this past Saturday.

Corpse Bride was good, but a bit morose from the lady-perspective. Two women, neither of whom has done anyone any wrong, are competing for the same man … and the more interesting and wordly one loses out. Also, her skin is rotting off.

I have a new obsession, to write a series of stories entitled “The Adventures of Sticky McThrustypants, the Androgynous Porn Star.”*

If you like, you might pick up the New York Times tomorrow morning. The spelling bee will appear in the Thursday Styles section.

My friend Dilip, to whom I have not spoken since the egg donation, inquired as to my well-being. He said “I’m glad to hear the procedure went well. At least, I gather that it did, because you were apparently well enough to buy Megan a quesadilla…. Not that one has to be in perfect health to buy a quesadilla.”

I just wanted to share that. I may make a point of leaving people quesadillas in my will in demonstration of this very point.

*That’s copyrighted. It’s mine, beeotch, mine.

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