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stuffed

November 25, 2005

The inventor of Stove Top Stuffing has died. From the NY Times (quoting the patent application for instant stuffing!):

The secret lay in the crumb size. If the dried bread crumb is too small, adding water to it makes a soggy mass; too large, and the result is gravel. In other words, as the patent explains, “The nature of the cell structure and overall texture of the dried bread crumb employed in this invention is of great importance if a stuffing which will hydrate in a matter of minutes to the proper texture and mouthfeel is to be prepared.

I had some fantastic stuffing this evening at bobbyblue’s house, and also explained marshmallows-on-sweet potatoes to an Australian couple, learned about hormones involved in becoming a male-to-female transsexual, observed a demonstration of a new cheerleader dance, listened to a debate about Madonna’s new CD, and took a nap with a puppy. I love my family and all, but those things never happen at their house.

I think this makes me hate white people

November 25, 2005

Forget about famine, global warming, and AIDS — I just clicked (incredulously) on an I support bloggers’ rights button. These all-important rights include “You Have the Right to Blog Anonymously” and “You have the Right to Allow Readers’ Comments Without Fear.”

What other rights do we have now? The right to enter country clubs without scuffing our alligator pumps?

There’s even a guide on How to Blog Safely. Make sure to wear a condom, kids!

apropos

November 25, 2005

Happy Thanksgiving!

Your pillows are still filthy.

new review on sarcaticsex.com (start your Christmas shopping early!)

November 23, 2005

There is a new review on The Sarcastic Sex Toy Blog.

I don’t recommend visiting from work.

Ladies and gentlemen (and especially gentlemen), I present to you, the whimsically-beheaded Butt Banger.

does your inbox need some love?

November 23, 2005

I’m working on a new Shout-Out. Sign up now for Machiavellian schemes and dirty pictures.*

Join the jen is famous dot com mailing list for your city! Subscribers get access to secret comedy clips and posts.

Email:

* Of your mom.

imagine if you could still leave the house in what is basically a t-shirt with tighty-whities attached

November 23, 2005

Here is a photo by Heidi Schmidt from the comedian-heavy birthday party for Carolyn and Nichelle, producers of the Chicks & Giggles comedy show I blogged about Sunday night.

Carolyn is holding a Chicks & Giggles onesie created for her baby Adriana; it says “Chicks & Giggles (or maybe it’s just gas).” I’m just standing there. I love how all of the sudden other people are documenting my every social event. I just check the websites and stalk myself.

don’t ask about the color of my goddamn parachute

November 23, 2005

A lot of people’s blogs are littered with little buttons that answer pressing questions such as “If you were a character on The O.C., who would you be?” or “If you were a type of cheese, what cheese would you be?” The button will say something like “I’m Havarti! What kind of cheese are you?”, thus encouraging more users to take the quiz and graphically inform us of the results.

Today I saw the dumbest fucking web quiz ever: “Which blog component are you?”

I’m not even going to reproduce the button here. It says “If I were a blog component, I would be the MAIN BODY ENTRY.”

You can follow that up with What’s the Color of Your Blog Personality?

jolly … green … jen

November 23, 2005

I am having Thanksgiving at bobbyblue’s house, and I’ve been put in charge of Green Vegetables. I bought nearly the entire supply of broccoli from my local neighborhood vegetable stand and, in chopping it, created what looked like a broccoli massacre in my kitchen, little bits of florets and stems flying, strewn on the table, rolling across the hardwood floor. You know those itsy-bitsy bulbs that broccoli florets are made up of, and how you get extras when you chop broccoli, but they’re so tiny it’s hard to even collect them and put them back into the food you’re cooking? I have legions of those. Legions. I am making broccoli for seventeen people. I am taking seventeen people’s broccoli on the L train.

Recap: November 21st After School Comedy Special

November 23, 2005

Monday’s After-School Comedy Special at Pete’s brought out a big damn crowd and was rollickingly funny … I’m still giggling over Becky Yamamoto’s “kitten no belong in bowl!”

In between the comics’ acts, we did Mad Libs — one from Hamlet, one from Eleanor Rigby. Here’s how that one turned out, more or less:

Ah, look at all the post-Cambrian Pete’s Candy Stores
Ah, look at all the post-Cambrian Pete’s Candy Stores

Sarah Yamamoto picks up the teabagging in a Chrysler where a 1967 World’s Fair has been … kicks in a skull.
Pushes at drums, wearing the kitten that she keeps in a plunger by the foam. Who is it for?

All the post-Cambrian Pete’s Candy Stores, where do they all come from?
All the post-Cambrian Pete’s Candy Stores, where do they all belong?

Billy Wood, Elaine Williams, Nick Cobb,
Emily Epstein and Becky Yamamoto
all smell like daisies

you are sleeping on cooties!

November 23, 2005

I saw a sign in the window of a dry cleaning shop that said “Would you sleep on sheets that hadn’t been washed in six months? What about your pillows?”

That made me think about breathing mites and allergens right out of the poly-fil, just sucking them up in my sleep. The sign was trying to persuade us to dry clean our pillows, but then we’d be breathing dry cleaning chemicals. So I just bought new pillows. Five bucks each in El Barrio — a perfect example of an affordable luxury!

What’s in your pillows? Now I’ve got you thinking about mites and mildew and the dead skin cells of all your exes.

My pillows are pristine.

I was up last night reading this for hours

November 22, 2005

“You know, before we come to Japan, they tell us a lot of ultimately useless stuff. What kind of computer to bring, if our DVD’s will work, clothing sizes, that kind of nonsense. Nowhere, and I mean nowhere, in the 3-4 months of orientations did anyone ever mention that at some point, a Japanese kid may try to stick their fingers up our butt. That’s something I would have liked to know, personally.”

- From a culture-shocked schoolteacher in Japan, link via Nerve

this is what I bring to you on tonight’s silver platter

November 21, 2005

Monday, November 21st
The After-School Comedy Special
This week’s theme: Crack is not for Children
Pete’s Candy Store (L train to Lorimer — see map)

Featuring Emily Epstein, Becky Yamamoto, Elaine Williams, Nicholas Cobb, and Billy Wood, all of whom smell fantastic.

The After-School Comedy Special (formerly “Comedy Show & Tell”) mixes performances by top young comedians with nostalgic diversions including show & tell, free candy, and Mad Libs! Bring an item for show & tell, or just come watch. All free!

seeking a few good men

November 21, 2005

Heidi Fleiss is opening a brothel for women (as patrons). I kind of like the idea. Molly and I used to say that we were going to live together when we were old and our husbands were dead, and we’d pay young men to come over and cook and clean for us and give us massages. And if we couldn’t help harrassing them, well….

macho behavior has a purpose, such defending your village from being sacked by Visigoths

November 21, 2005

Last night after seeing the late showing of Harry Potter, I found myself on the 6 train sitting near — not next to, but near — a drunk old bum* who, in his loud, lengthy ramblings, declared me his girlfriend and called me a variety of female names (Carolyn! Deborah! Heather!) in an attempt to get me to look at him.

At first the ranting was downright jolly, interspersed with a continuous chuckling and an occasional belly-laugh, as though whatever he was talking about was truly the most humorous thing that had happened in weeks. Eventually, however, the ranting became more belligerent, but by that point we were on the express run between 86th St. and 125th St. — the long stretch right before I get off the train — and I started eyeing the other passengers, deciding in my head which ones would come to my assistance should the crazy man attack me.

At that point I realized I was glad I lived in Harlem and was sitting in the train car with eight full-grown, mostly middle-aged Hispanic men, most of whom I think would intervene in the case of attack-by-crazy-man. If such a thing happened on the L train, the willowy tattooed boys would just take cameraphone pictures of me getting stabbed, and then maybe one of them would write a poem about seeing a woman die on the L and read it at a Spuyten Duyvil open mic, which would, like, totally get him laid, because he’s all sensitive and stuff.

* Asian people are currently underrepresented in the bum population, but maybe this guy should count double.

30-odd comedians and one very well-behaved baby

November 21, 2005

When did I start blogging party coverage? I am a deeply introverted person. That’s why I have a blog … and am a comedian … shut up, just shut up. I am a deeply introverted person occasionally flipped inside out for the amusement of others, and then I plug back into the Borg cube mothership and recharge.

Anyway, tonight, after managing to tragically miss Miss Megan (she was in Brooklyn by the time she got my text messages), I went to the birthday party of Chicks and Giggles impresarios Carolyn and Nichelle. Here are some pictures. You people seem to like that sort of thing. If I had a series of DVDs marketed on late-night cable television, I would call it “Comedians Gone Wild!” I’m not sure if you’d be able to jerk off to it.

Jenny Rubin and Katina Corrao

Raquel D’Apice and Nichelle

Carolyn laughing during Adira Amram’s set
Adira gave me a copy of her new CD because she is such a freaking sweetheart. And her nipple didn’t even pop out of her top like when she did the Jenny Vaudeville Show!

Jessica Cutler was also present and was photographed with a Penthouse Variations, but not by me. I also met comic Sven Wechsler. We were introduced with “your names rhyme!” and used that as an opportunity to stare awkwardly at one another and feel discomfited.

I am sorry that the lights show up all crazy, and that the men in my pictures don’t have names. It’s very Fight Club.

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