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people who are funnier than I am, part IV or V or VI or something

January 27, 2006

I was out to lunch with Baron Vaughn and mentioned making some flaxseed muffins, and he commented that “Flaxseed Muffins” sounded like the name of a vegan porn star.

C-Vink rocks the house

January 26, 2006

At the Chicks & Giggles taping show this past Tuesday, the house was not only stuffed full like a twelve year old’s bra, the show was also consistently fast-paced and laugh-a-minute. I got a chance to see sets by Claudia Cogan, Margot Leitman, Sara Schaefer, Jess Wood, and Bex Schwartz for the first time. (Bex did the filthiest set I have ever seen at a Chicks & Giggles, but she wins the award for Comic Who Knows the Most About Maintaining Your Gynecological Health. She should start a Q&A column on her website. No, really).

Regular Chicks emcee Carolyn Castiglia has always been boisterously hilarious (she was doing high kicks and deep-squats in her act while nine months pregnant!), but I think she’s pushed it to a new level … a new level of white-girl rapping. An excerpt from Carolyn’s new a capella rap experience:

I rock the mom jeans
I rock them long and lean
I rock them real hard in the size 16
But I wear the long shirt from the front to the back
Cuz I know like Whitney told me that showin’ crack is wack!

When I asked Carolyn to send me the lines to her rap, she replied with a little rap just for me….

Here’s a little story ’bout Jen Dziura
She’s the kinda girl you might have heard of
She tells those jokes and she makes ‘em laugh
‘Bout brows and roaches and takin’ a bath
With Dove’s campaign for the real beauty
She’s awful smart but she is not snooty
She knows Billyburg like the back of her hand
The hipster kids think she is grand
Cuz she can spell and she can write
Her skin’s like asprin it’s so white.

(She’s not insulting me; the aspirin thing is from my act). Here’s a pic of me from the show:

Despite having a three-month-old baby and living in East Harlem, C-Vink (that’s her married name, ’cause C-Castiglia is a really ridiculous nickname and C-Cast sounds a little too medical) has made it down to my show in Williamsburg three times already, so I’ve no doubt you’ll be able to see more of this. Bitch can beatbox!

Some little girl is going to grow up to be either really proud of mommy, or else she’ll rebel by listening exclusively to Charlotte Church and spending her money on Little House on the Prarie novels.

and while I’m nitpicking, we can "take it to the good times"? what?

January 26, 2006

What’s up with that Starship song that goes:

So if the world runs out of lovers
We’ll still have each other
Nothing gonna stop us now.

Is the singer saying “If everyone else pairs off and there’s no one left to date, we’ll be smug because we snagged somoene early on? Or is he saying “If everyone who is in love is magically vaporized from the earth, we’ll still be together and we will have somehow been mysteriously exempt?” Or is he saying “If everyone else becomes so tired and cynical that they stop loving anyone at all, we’ll still be going strong, which is cool, except our friends will be really depressed and probably hate us for it?” Or is he saying — nevermind, this is exhausting. Fuck it.

stop scaring me, you winterwear-theiving, leather-tressed whore!

January 26, 2006

Also related to my sleeping habits, I think it would be useful for me to get laser eye surgery. Two mornings in the last week, I have awakened to see my coat hanging on a hook on the back of my door, and something like a belt hanging over the top of the hook (sort of like a woman’s long hair), and I have been alarmed that a person was in my doorway (and wearing my coat, the bitch!) I know lots of people wake up disoriented, but some of them have 20/20 vision, and it’s probably less frightening. Also, if someone broke into my bedroom and were holding up a chart that said something in progressively smaller block letters, I would be more likely to be able to read his or her message.

waking up earnestly

January 26, 2006

I usually set my alarm clock to “buzzer,” but sometimes I set it on “radio” by accident.

This morning the alarm clock came on right at the very beginning of a song, and the song was magical! It was like I was being awoken by a pearlescent pegasus who emananted light and glitter and whose noble wings left rainbows wherever they trailed!

So I left the alarm clock on and crawled back in bed, and discovered thirty seconds later that I was listening to Steve Miller Band’s “Fly Like an Eagle,” and then I was embarrassed. The station followed it up with Meat Loaf’s “Took the Words Right Out of My Mouth,” which, again, wasn’t bad.

I never listen to classic rock.

January 23rd spelling bee recap

January 25, 2006

This last bee concluded the Williamsburg Spelling Bee’s b-u-r-l-e-s-q-u-e month. Spelling bee founder and co-host bobbyblue was on vacation, so on January 9th, the World Famous *BOB* filled in (see the recap and photos), and on the 23rd, we were graced by Little Brooklyn.

In honor of Little Brooklyn’s presence, in round one of the bee, I had spellers spell sexy words like derriere, negligee, crinoline, petticoat, and stiletto. The bee was also filmed by Brooklyn Cable Access Television for the show “Neighborhood Beat.” Here are a few pictures:

The last photo shows, from left to right, 3rd place winner Natasha, 2nd place winner Megan, Little Brooklyn, and 1st place winner Matt, who won not only the usual $25 bar tab, but also a lovely VIP package to Little Brooklyn’s show, Starshine Burlesque.

Next bee…
Monday, February 6th
Sign up at 7, compete at 7:30
Pete’s Candy Store, 709 Lorimer St. in Williamsburg
No cover, open to all.

(And on non-spelling Mondays, do stop by — same time, same place — for the After-School Comedy Special).

memo: from Jen to world

January 25, 2006

I’ve been Gawkered again.

There’s a new guest review on the Sarcastic Sex Toy Blog.

I now have a 30-minute DVD of the spelling bee, which is kind of rad. I’m mailing it off to secret places in hopes of promoting adult spelling bees to the world at large. At the last bee, we did have a bit of an “adult” spelling bee (always the joke — are we spelling dirty words?) Spelling recap up next.

comedy is in the genes

January 25, 2006

On a well-known social networking site, my brother Brian posted the following comment below the following image:

“I really like these candid shots of you just doing your normal day to day activities. This one reminds me of when we were teenagers. Sometimes during dinner you would jump to your feet, exclaim something about ‘bringing justice to evil doers’, and dash from the table. Only a plate containing a partially eaten Steakum sandwich would be left in your wake. It’s good to see you still patrol the streets protecting the innocent.”

-Brian         

burlesque spelling bee strikes again!

January 24, 2006

Here is the first photo from last night’s spelling bee: winners Natasha, Megan, and Matt with Little Brooklyn! (Those are hard candies in her brassiere, left over from her burlesque act). More soon.

is the internet still taking new enrollments? for whom could this even have been written?

January 24, 2006

This hoax email is so retro-1995 that I’m almost nostalgic! Yes, the directors of MSN refer to themselves as “Andy and john.” Yes, MSN will keep your account active based on tracking the email you forward to everyone you know. Yes, a “closed” account costs $10 a month. Yes, corporate executives often write in all-caps and assure you that “This is no joke.”

Hey it is Andy and john the directors of MSN, sorry for the interruption but msn is closing down. this is because too many inconsiderate people are taking up all the name (eg making up lots of different accounts for just one person), we only have 578 names left. If you would like to close your account, DO NOT SEND THIS MESSAGE ON. If you would like to keep your account, then SEND THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE ON YOUR CONTACT LIST. This is no joke, we will be shutting down the servers. Send it on, thanks. WHO EVER DOES NOT SEND THIS MESSEAGE, YOUR ACCOUNT WILL BE CLOSED AND YOU WILL COST 10.00 A MONTH TO USE. SEND THIS TO EVERYONE ON YOUR CONTACT LIST.

There are only 578 names left! You shouldn’t have started up that “hothungEVillage@msn.com” account that you use on Craigslist — you’re ruining it for everybody!

porn with mustaches: my practical joke from 2004

January 24, 2006

In 2004, I had a profile on a modeling website, and I would sometimes receive offers to do porn. One time, I decided to write back. I was able to do so anonymously because it was clear that I had received a mass email, so if I wrote back from a different address, the porn producer would assume that my false identity had been on the list.The original email:

I am a producer for anew and innovative adult film company. I am looking for fresh new faces, some that dont look like they have been around the block. i need girls ages 18-30 for adult film modeling. how far you go is all up to you. Average pay is $1000-$2000per film which would include at least 2 scenes. In your response I would prefer a full body picture, but headshots are acceptable. If you do only send a headshot please describe body style. also, please let me know if you have any preferences such as only girl/girl, boy/girl, oral. let me know if you have any specialties as well. Females only! Also looking for fluffers. This is an easy way to make money ladies! i would pay for any expenses incurred while in LA.  

I wrote back and decided to play naive. Also, since I was asked for “preferences,” I figured I’d come up with something:

Thank you for the email. I am interested in the adult film industry. I do have some preferences. Actually, it’s kind of weird. I can only have sex if the guy has a mustache. I don’t trust men who don’t have mustaches. Can you work with that? My favorite specialty is this thing I learned in India that the girls do with their elbows while they are turned around from behind. You have to see it to believe it! I recommend that everyone go to India.I have not seen many adult films. Can you recommend some titles so I can see what kind of work you do?What is a fluffer? 

The reply:

that sounds kind of kinky! please provide a picture of yourself, preferably a full body shot. also, where are you located? is there anything you would not be willing to try, besides a guy without a mustache?  

Somewhere in here, there was also an email about whether I could provide female friends to act as fluffers. Also at this point, I figured I’d better come up with a picture, so I sent him the only naked-lady photo on my desktop — one of a girl who had hit on me on Nerve, wanting to arrange something with herself, her boyfriend, and me (never happened). But since she was freely sending her naked pictures to total strangers, I didn’t feel too bad forwarding this one. I did feel I had to explain her grooming preferences:

Hi, here is a picture I took of myself in the mirror. Do I need to shave my pubic hair? My boyfriend is French. He likes it all bushy. You know how the French are. Um, I’m sure there’s stuff I wouldn’t be willing to try, like animals or something. I’m not sure, what kind of things are you thinking of? Also, can you recommend some movies that show what kind of stuff you make?About the fluffers — if the girls are off-camera, why do they have to be good looking? I have a couple of friends who might do it but one is fat and the other one isn’t very attractive. She has nice tits but they’re fake. 

Although the photo was believably candid, the porn producer wanted further proof.

hey what is your name? is that really you in that picture? you have an innocent look to you which is perfect for what i’m looking for. what i’m thinking about is having innocent looking young girls and older men. i’m talking about men in their 40’s. so its nothing that extreme like animals or anything. when i asked what you wouldnt be wiling to do i meant like oral sex or something. and just to make sure thats really you in that pic send me a couple of pics in which you’re wearing clothes holding a sign that says hi.  

Since I couldn’t comply with this request, I never wrote back. (Also, I never succeeded in getting him to send me a list of porn film titles that he recommended as “research”). That was in 2004. Today, I receive this:

hey i just saw that i still had this email… would you still be interested?  

My reply:

Hey, thanks for the email. Actually, I am working with an adult film company now. They make retro-seventies type films, all wood-paneling, men with hairy chests — and mustaches! I’m actually shooting tomorrow for ‘Mustache Rider XIII – The Handlebar Incident.’”  

 Photos are of Ryan Scott, who won a mustache contest.

Sleazegrinder interview

January 24, 2006

This is kind of embarrassing. I swear I didn’t do anything untoward to get this kind of press.

Read my interview on Sleazegrinder.
I posted earlier about this interview and about how I basically refused to give a straight answer to anything. I answered the question “Do men find funny women intimidating?” with:

Men find everything about me intimidating. That experiment has too many variables. Post hoc ergo propter hoc. That’s Latin for “I can crush you utterly — with my will or my thighs — and then will be heard across the land the weeping of your kinfolk and the lamentation of your entire village as they flee in fear.”

I’m a riot at family gatherings! Someone invite me to a wake or a bat mitzvah, really.

Actually, I do get serious towards the end when questioned about my monologue piece “Don’t Believe Everything You Read On Craigslist.” Go read the interview or just type my name into iTunes to get the recording.

Tonight: Little Brooklyn in the ‘burgh

January 23, 2006

This upcoming Monday, the spelling bee continues with “burlesque month.” Beloved bee founder bobbyblue is on vacation — filling in for him will be burlesque star Little Brooklyn, who will co-host, record scores, and do an act before the final round.

Anyone can watch, but be sure to show up early if you want to spell — we have to cut off the list at 20 spellers.

The Williamsburg Spelling Bee
Monday, January 23rd
Sign up at 7, compete at 7:30
Pete’s Candy Store, 709 Lorimer St. in Williamsburg
No cover, open to all.

Update: Brooklyn Cable Access is taping! Arrive early if you want to try to get on camera.

open letter

January 23, 2006

Dear Jury Duty,

Why do you have to come so early in the morning? We haven’t really met yet, but I’m already cranky at you.

Jen

***Merch: Magnet***

January 23, 2006

Grammatically Correct Comedy magnet
$3.00

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