he’s b-a-a-a-c-k

5 Responses to “he’s b-a-a-a-c-k”

1. SurfingKC on March 29th, 2006 5:05 pm

   This is a copy of an email I keep getting.

   What’s up Perce,

   Listen to this, Sandy told me on Friday that ur partner been complaining
   with u recently. I can try to assist you with that. one even peripherally
   involved. Adequately proven in A Separate Peace, there are also

   Come see http://www.xxxxxxxxxxxx/. I’ve been using them for a years now and
   nothing but good things for them. examples: the Nazi death camps, the
   American Japanese-American relocation camps, and th

   e McCarthyism of the fifties. Apparently, in America, the Constitution
   rules until .

   Later
   Dale

   I don’t like what he (Dale, my “buddy”) is implying!

   On a better note, I’ve been pre-approved for a huge home loan (I’m not sure if that refers to the size of the loan, or the house). I wont be needing it though. Some guy from Africa is going to “give” me a large sum of money just for holding his inheritance for him. It’s going to be a great summer!

2. Matt Penn on March 29th, 2006 5:50 pm

   MEMO

   To: God
   From: Matt Penn
   Re: Your Inscrutable Sense of Humor

   Sorry to trouble you, Big Guy, but I have a bone to pick. The Tower of Babel was a good practical joke, okay? Ha ha. (”Watch this, Gabriel–I’m gonna fuck up their language so that they can’t really understand each other. It’s gonna be great!”) But I don’t think it was what you had in mind given all that fruitful multiplying, was it? Or are You being subtle again?

   I fucking HATE when You start getting subtle. Because it’s not really subtle. It’s just stupid. Dig?

   (Hey, now You know.)

   I admit that I got that false sense of hope You seem to enjoy yanking my chain with, back when You delivered the tsunami. I was all excited. But then I saw where Clinton and 41 were going, and I said, “Oh, for the love of fuck! Put Your GLASSES on, Old Man! Ya MISSED! AGAIN!” Mind you, I’m all for wiping out people with a big flood, but when a friend reminded me that You made that covenant with Noah, and there’ll never be another flood, and. . .blah blah blah. . .the rainbow. . .

   So. Stupid people who cannot speak an intelligible language fucking and making more stupid people, huh? Great. THIS is your idea of funny, huh? GROW UP, will You, please? It’s just not funny anymore. It’s tiresome. Dana Reeve? I know YOU thought that was hilarious. (”Gabe, watch this! Y’know that actor who was Superman I paralyzed in the horseback riding accident, and then he wouldn’t just die? Well, he finally died, as you know. And now I’m gonna give his widow. . .get this. . .lung cancer. And SHE DOESN’T EVEN SMOKE! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Man, I’m good!”)

   Actually, you’re losing it, Pops. Chris Reeve wasn’t funny. At all. DANA Reeve was really not funny. And now you’ve got stupid people making more stupid people? REALLY, REALLY, SUGAR ON TOP not funny. Just juvenile. You can do better than this I’m-Trelaine-on-Star-Trek horseshit. I know You can.

   (Although, given Your recent contributions to the big cosmic jokefest, I’m starting to have my doubts. The Red Sox winning the World Series after having been down 0-3 to the Yankees in the ALCS was, I’ll give You credit, a riot. But that was a while ago.)

   Enough, okay? Stop fucking around. I mean, really. If You’re not feeling inspired lately, just go back to doing something useful, like seeing to it that wide receivers catch the ball.

   Or, if You actually want to do something NICE for a change, there’s this college basketball team from Virginia called George Mason, and. . .

3. Anonymous on March 29th, 2006 10:42 pm

   “we r jus lol right????????” We are just laugh out loud right? Is “laugh out loud” a noun or a verb here? These letters make baby jesus cry.

4. June Roman on March 30th, 2006 3:36 pm

   Matt I like your memo to God. God often has a more warped sense of humor than you do my friend. That’s saying something. YKWIS?

   BTW, do you and Jen think it’s weird that the shorthand for you know I’m saying is YKWIS? How do these idiots know that the word know has a K in it?

   I think you should do a parody of bible passages as if they were written for Gen X. Every other line would be LOLZ. John 3:16 would still be about how God loved the world so much that he gave us Jesus. And 3:17 would just read LOLZ. Cuz what a joke that is. God loved the world so much that he gave us JESUS? More people have died in the name of Jesus than were alive on the planet at the time he lived! As Tina Turner would say, “What’s love got to do with it?” Everyone be harshin on da Jews for 2000 years for having killed him. What were the Jews chosen FOR? I don’t mean to insult anyone and I am a Christian myself. But how can you say that God loved the world so much if he gave us the savior and then let him die? And if he let there be more killing to avenge his death? And if he allowed everyone to blame the Jews for thousands of years? And if there was a hollocaust? And if there’s still stuff like the tsunami, and Dana Reeve dying, and all the other things you mention in your memo. I know you would agree that it’s all just a big frickin joke. LOLZ

   My idea for you Matt is that because you are funnier and a better writer than me you should do the ten commandments as if God had text messaged them to Moses. HA HA!

   J-Ro

5. Matt Penn on March 30th, 2006 4:14 pm

   Junie,

   The ACTUAL Ten Commandments:

   I am the Lord thy God.

   Thou shalt have no other gods before me.

   Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord in vain.

   Worship the Sabbath day to keep it Holy.

   Honor thy father and thy mother.

   Thou shalt not commit murder.

   Thou shalt not commit adultery.

   Thou shalt not steal.

   Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.

   Thou shalt not cover thy neighbor’s wife. . .nor his ass. . .nor any thing that is thy neighbor’s.

   AND

   The Ten Commandments Had God Just Text Messaged Them to Moses:

   Hr b my 10 dos & dons:

   1 im da man
   2 no mofos b4 me
   3 don dis me
   4 u get suns off
   5 don dis yo rents
   6 don be killin
   7 luv da 1 u w/
   8 don steal shit
   9 don talk shit
   10 WTF u lookin @ b otch

   LOLZ,
   Your Pennpal

Got something to say?