spellers do it on stage

March 12, 2006


By Ryan Brenizer, from the last spelling bee. He titled this “The Agony of Defeat.”

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friends of Dorothy, friends of Bruce Wayne

March 12, 2006

While I am mostly oblivious to such things, Syd has been the center of some controversy regarding his comic-based scholarship on the Wonder Women Blog. From Syd:

One of the readers said that the post was offensive because of my speculation that there was a large intersection between Batman fans and Judy Garland fans. Honestly, I don’t really think that all Batman fans are gay. On the other hand, not all Judy Garland fans are gay, either, so really he’s the one who inferred that I was casting aspersions on people’s sexuality. He mentions his 7 year-old son, who loves Robin and is unaware of any psychosexual implications. I think that may have something to do with the fact that he’s 7. I really didn’t think any 7 year-olds were reading the post, and, since we’re all adults, I think we can all admit to ourselves that in the world of comics, Batman is second only to Sin City in the realm of phallocentrism. It is as homoerotic as it is misogynistic. My explanation of its homoeroticism can be summed up as, “Sweet Jesus! Just look at them!” As for its gynophobia, I would like to draw your attention to a Batman villain called Poison Ivy, who uses a poisonous lipstick. One kiss from her controls men’s minds (and, yes, it only works on men) and another kiss kills them. Being D.C. readers, I’m sure they are already aware of this. Maybe instead of trying to explain that, I should just send him a dictionary with the definition of the word “subtext” highlighted.

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extra-large organic

March 12, 2006

Interestingly, the gay guys who bought my eggs this time around want to meet me in person! Last time was wholly anonymous. This time, they’re checkin’ out the eggs, just like at the grocery store. Grade A, baby.

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Dios Escucha!

March 10, 2006

Here is what I look like in my hotel room in Houston:


You know, in the cab on the way to the hotel, I saw a billboard that said “Dios Escucha.” Oh, I thought: God is listening. But then as we passed the billboard, I saw the English version on the other side: “God listens.” Wow, I thought. Those are two very different statements. The first one is admonishing, the second perhaps comforting. Surely these must be two different verb conjugations in Spanish as well? I mean, you’d have to be able to differentiate “God is listening, so stop your blaspheming, you hellbound sinner!” from “Cheer up, good fellow — God cares about your problems!”

Ironically, after parsing “Dios Eschucha” reasonably well, I got to my hotel room and discovered that I had a desk but no chair. I flagged down a hotel maid who spoke no English, and I could not, for anything, recall the Spanish word for “chair.” Both of us smiling encouragingly at each other, I invited her into the room and pointed towards the desk. Still no dice; if you are not checking for chairs, a chairless desk doesn’t necessarily look like a problem. So I went to the desk and, um … mimed sitting down. She laughed and got me a chair.

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tristan and isolde, heloise and abelard, zenith and anith

March 10, 2006

In one of my SAT classes, I explained that a “zenith” is when the sun reaches its topmost point in the sky. Does anyone, I asked, know what we call it when the sun is at its very bottom? (The nadir).

One student thought hard and replied…

“The anith?”

(I really hope my students are not reading my blog, but credit where credit is due: Thanks, Ronald A.!)

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a brief update

March 9, 2006

The Ramada Inn, Houston is what would happen if you turned a strip mall parking lot into a hotel. Characterless, but spacious. Slightly depressing if you stop and examine the towels, or peer out the window at the freeway. The analogy breaks down at the point at which I say “But at least it has hot water, and enough water pressure to knock dirt off you and into the adjoining suite.”

I enjoy hotels, though, and I’m here in Texas shooting an instructional video for the test-prep company for which I work. I’ve been discussing the finer points of the GMAT on camera, repeatedly, while slowly, artfully walking around the edge of a fountain, and while casually resting on a low tree branch. Which, quite frankly, is always how I try to explain things to people.

The Jenny Vaudeville Show last night was short and bittersweet. Two pretty ladies and a stylish gentleman regaled the audience with original and classic polka tunes, a fitting way for the Jenny V. show to go out. Of course, bittersweetness aside, this is a great big good move — I’m taking a bit of time off to get married and to promote the new show, and then Jenny V. (possibly under a new name) will re-open in June at a comedy club, the name of which is to be announced (I just want to get the papers signed before adding it to the calendars).

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TONIGHT! Last-ever Jenny Vaudeville!

March 8, 2006

Well, the last-ever Jenny Vaudeville at Pete’s. And the last-ever FREE Jenny Vaudeville.

Wednesday, March 8th
Pete’s Candy Store (click for map)
709 Lorimer St in Williamsburg (L train to Lorimer)
10pm, free!

Featuring..

  • a half-naked card trick by burlesque bombshell Nasty Canasta (pictured, photo by Gary Winter)
  • performances from John Leavitt and Syd Bernstein
  • musical comedy by “Laughing Liberally” comic Jamie Jackson (who has a song about Dick Cheney shooting an old man in the face)
  • and humorous polka by the Deadly Venom Dutchmen!

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in New York, first cousins can marry

March 8, 2006

From the NYC Marriage Bureau (I thought this was unintentionally humorous — as well as informative!):

Every person has the right to adopt any name by which he or she wishes to be known simply by using that name consistently and without intent to defraud. A person’s last name (surname) does not automatically change upon marriage, and neither party to the marriage is required to change his or her last name. The bride and groom need not take the same last name.

One or both parties to a marriage may elect to change the surname by which he or she wishes to be known after the marriage by entering the new name in the appropriate space provided on the marriage application. The new name must consist of one of the following options:

- the surname of the other spouse; (e.g., John Doe marries Mary Smith. Couple can choose the new surname of Doe or Smith)
- any former surname of either spouse; (e.g., John Doe marries Mary Smith. Mary Smith was born Mary Brown and when she previously married Leroy Smith she adopted his name. She subsequently divorced Leroy Smith but she kept his last name. Couple can choose the new surname of Brown since it is the former surname of Mary)
- a name combining into a single surname all or a segment of the premarriage surname or any former surname of each spouse; (e.g., John Doe marries Mary Brown. Couple can choose the new surname of Down (”Do” from “Doe” and “wn” from “Brown”) or Doebrown and so on.)
- a combination name separated by a hyphen, provided that each part of such combination surname is the premarriage surname, or any former surname, of each of the spouses. (e.g., John Doe marries Mary Smith. Couple can choose the new surname of Doe-Smith, Smith-Doe or Doe-Brown (since Brown is Mary’s former surname.))

The Doebrowns, eh? I wonder what city worker got the task of writing this document.

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whom am I marrying?

March 8, 2006

“Hey, I just read your blog — are you really getting married? Or is it like getting married to the sea, or your job? ‘Cause that’d be different.”

Savvy knows the real answer, but when I didn’t write back right away, she backtracked and guessed incorrectly.

Most inappropriate answers:

“Your Mom”

“Are you SURE it’s mine?”

“Ellen DeGeneres”

And, the winner…

“You’re marrying the cab driver who hit you?”

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seeking bitchy Europeans with great shoes

March 8, 2006

I love when my friends forward me Craigslist postings they think I might want, but without revealing their own addresses. I have no idea who thought I might be interested in this:

A beautiful women is needed for a female domination video shoot. The woman dresses elegantly and wears high heels while kicking and dominating a man. European a plus. Great shoes a plus. Nice people, lower manhattan location.

“Nice” people? I suppose they mean the ones who aren’t kicking the customers.

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seriously, I’ll get back to you soon!

March 6, 2006

I haven’t been blogging because … I’m getting married!

Of course, you’re not going to believe me, because I’m a comedian. Please note that “stand-up comedy” and “practical joking as a lifestyle choice” are two totally different things.

I will acknowledge on the blog the first person (whom I don’t know) to email me the correct answer to whom I am marrying, and I will also acknowledge the person to send me the most inappropriate incorrect answer.

xo,
Jen

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you know it’s true

March 4, 2006

I want to write a sad-but-hopeful, George-Jones-style country song called…

Today Was the First Day I Typed in the First Three Letters of the URL of your Blog and it Didn’t Auto-Complete, Because, Baby, You’ve Finally Been Pushed out of my Cache File

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the perils of being a comedian

March 4, 2006

Every time I try to tell people something serious, they think I’m joking.

I’m just waiting for the day that my entire family is murdered by maruading pirates and my suffering is only compounded by the total disbelief of my peers.

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Midnight at Pete’s Candy Store

March 3, 2006

My DVD is up on Filmbaby. Go there to watch a sample clip!

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photo documentary, part I

March 3, 2006

Photographer Ryan Brenizer has been following me around doing a photo documentary of my comedy career. Here are some photos:

Me and Matty Charles by the light of my Treo.

Me running the After-School Comedy Special at Pete’s.

This is where the magic happens. I didn’t say it was pretty.

My cat eats paper. Oftentimes, important pieces of paper.

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Crain’s

March 3, 2006

I’ve just been interviewed for an article in Crain’s New York Business that should come out late this month, on people with current or former business careers who have applied those skills to acting or comedy. Look for me possibly on March 20th.

I really do sometimes make speeches in university marketing classes on “How to Be Your Own Brand.” That’s kind of square, I know.

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i scream, you scream…

March 3, 2006

A friend told me that Ben & Jerry’s once had a flavor of ice cream called “Cop Stop” — coffee flavored ice cream with bits of … donut. Hahahaha.

Said friend’s wife informs us that, if you are in Austin, Texas, you can get Guinness ice cream here.

The other day Megan and I went to Cassava Bubble Tea, which had a sign that said “Get some buns to go with those balls!”

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eggs are on!!!

March 3, 2006

I got picked as an egg donor again! Eggs are ON!

This inexplicable image came from a site called bestqualitywallpapers.com.


Also, I got picked by a couple of gay guys, which is way more flattering than getting picked by a straight couple.

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official notice (no pleas to St. Jude)

March 2, 2006

The After-School Comedy Special will be changing its name to the more straightforward “Pete’s Monday Night Stand-Up.”

After this March 8th, the Jenny Vaudeville Show will be leaving Pete’s and finding a larger home, one which charges admission. So next Wednesday is your last chance to see the show for free. It will feature a humorous polka band, a half-naked card trick, a song about Dick Cheney by a guy who just played to 1300 people at Town Hall, and did I mention that the half-naked card trick involves Nasty Canasta? Also, now that I think about it, it’s probably more like 75% or 80% naked.

Over and out,
J

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if the words "thrift shop" are followed by a "tm" symbol, maybe you’re a consumerist whore

March 2, 2006

Target actually sells something called a Thrift Shop Hippie Chick Bedding Set. In case you:

1) enjoy sheets and blankets other people have screwed on for years, or want others to think that you do
2) want to pay retail for items that are completely mismatched
3) think that real hippies shop at Target

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