The 2006 Tour: I Know Where You Live and I’m Coming There to Tell Some Jokes

April 29, 2006

May 5 (Friday)
Beyond Borders Comedy Show
The Comedy District
9543 Culver Blvd, Culver City CA
310-367-9977 for more info
8:30 p.m.
One of LA’s longest running alternative comedy shows.

May 6 (Saturday)
Kulak’s Woodshed
5230-1/2 Laurel Canyon Blvd., North Hollywood, CA 91607
818-766-9913
8:00 – 10:00pm PST WEBCAST LIVE!
A night of stand-up and musical comedy.

May 6 (Saturday) Midnight
The Tomorrow Show
The Steve Allen Theater at the Center for Inquiry-West
4773 Hollywood Blvd (2 blocks west of Vermont), Hollywood CA 94063
Tickets at Plays411.com or (323) 960-7785

May 10 (Wednesday)
San Manuel Indian Bingo and Casino
777 San Manuel Boulevard, Highland CA
9pm show – No Cover
(800) 359-24643

May 13 (Saturday)
“Say Goodbye To North Hollywood Show”
Hallenbeck’s General Store
5510 Cahuenga Blvd, North Hollywood, CA 91601
8pm show – $5 Cover
(818) 985-5916

May 24-28 (Wednesday-Sunday)
The Funny Bone
405 S 8th Street, #110, Boise, ID 83702
208-331-2663
Boise Funnybone

July 28 (Friday)
ASET Foundation Fundraiser
The Wyndham Hotel
Philadelphia, PA

August 30-September 3 (Wednesday-Sunday)
Greenwood, IN

September 5th (Tuesday)
Grumpy Dave’s, Upstairs at Easy Street Cafe
104 S. Main Street, Bowling Green, Ohio 43402
9pm
$5; $3 for students
419-353-0988

September 7-10 (Thursday-Sunday)
Comedy TN
6102 Macon Rd, Memphis, TN 38134
Thursday/Sunday at 8:15 – $10
Friday/Saturday at 8:15 & 10:30pm – $10
901 384-4222

September 22 & 23 (Friday-Saturday)
Goonies Comedy Club
7 Second Street S.W., Rochester MN
7:30 & 10:00

September 26 (Tuesday)
Sioux Falls SD

September 27 (Wedesday)
Steven’s Point WI

November 1 (Wednesday)
Bourbon Street West
1866 Sources Blvd., Pointe Claire, Quebec
(514) 695-6545

November 2-4 (Thursday-Saturday)
Ernie Butler’s Comedy Nest in The Pepsi Forum
Montreal, Quebec
Thurs – 8:30, Fri/Sat – 8:30 & 10:30 all shows $12
(514) 932-6378

November 24 & 25 (Friday & Saturday)
Mason City Limits
114 E. Chestnut St., Mason City, IL 62664
7:30 & 10:00 Shows
$12.50 (Friday) and $12.50 (Saturday)
217-482-LAFF (5233)

November 29-December 2 (Wednesday-Saturday)
Connxtions Comedy Club
5319 Heatherdowns Blvd., Toledo, OH 43614
Wed/Thurs – 8:00 / $8
Fri/Sat – 8:00 & 10:30 / $12
(Wed, Fri,& Sat 8:00 shows Non-smoking)
419-867-9041

December 5 (Tuesday)
La Crosse WI

December 6 (Wednesday & Jen’s Birthday!)
Dubuque IA

December 7-9 (Thursday-Saturday)
The Comedy Club On State Street
119 State Street, Madison WI
Thursday 8:30 / $8.00
Friday & Saturday 8:00 & 10:30 / $10.00
608-256-0099

December 14-17 (Thursday-Saturday)
Wiley’s Comedy Club
101 Pine Street in Dayton OH’s Historic Oregon District
Thursday 8:30 – $5
Friday 8:00 & 10:30 – $10
Saturday 8:00 & 10:30 – $12
Sunday 8:30 – $5
937-224-JOKE

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you and your stupid peanut allergies

April 28, 2006

I teach a class in a school that had a sign for a bake sale that asked people to bring in baked goods, but reminded them that “This is a nut-free school.”

It made me wish I were on some other school’s football team, so that when we played this school, I could say “Yeah, you ARE a nut-free school.”

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Akeelah, Shmakeelah

April 27, 2006

I’m quoted on WSJ.com:

Hollywood’s Favorite Protagonist: The Pint-Size Spelling Champ, by Annelena Lobb

Bees have popped up recently at hipster bars like Brooklyn’s Pete’s Candy Store, and the Art Bar at Bickett Gallery, in Raleigh, N.C. The bee at Pete’s Candy Store has been held biweekly since September 2004, ever since its originator saw “Spellbound.” “Some people want to relive their childhood and just come in and do it once,” says comedian Jen Dziura, who calls out the words. “It is a pretty laid-back environment — but it’s still a spelling bee.”

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gone Bust

April 27, 2006

Molly and I are both annoyed that otherwise awesome girly-feminist mag Bust has turned even more of its pages towards craft projects. Retro, rock-inspired, adorably indie-aesthetic craft projects, but nevertheless:

  1. made of yarn
  2. a waste of time
  3. encouraging the wearing of horrible clothes, such as skirts and halter tops made out of “vintage pillowcases,” garments which do not encourage others to take the wearer seriously, a situation which is not especially feminist.

Molly and I have had many a talk about how the resurgence of knitting — even if you’re knitting skull-and-crossbone bolero jackets — just keeps women occupied with time-consuming, trivial, useless diversions when they could be updating their resumes, making money, and gaining real power.

Expressing yourself with a hand-crocheted change purse shaped like Rosie the Riveter isn’t actually that important. If wearing an Ann Taylor suit is what will, say, help you lobby for actual change, or get elected, I think you should wear an Ann Taylor suit. Pumps, even.

You know what’s feminist? Actually getting shit done. And not pretending that fawning over cute things is somehow new and empowering.

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what happens when "Housewives at Play" makes an appearance in Williamsburg

April 19, 2006


Ryan B’s photo documentary on me is coming to a close.

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We’re just trying to be friendly.

April 18, 2006

I have a lot of music on my iPod that was copied over from other people’s iPods, and I was exploring the other day on the subway and saw a song called “Cuddly Toy.” That’s just silly, I thought, and decided to listen. What followed was the meanest, most misogynistic listening experience of my iPod’s lifespan thus far. The lyrics:

You’re not only cuddly toy that was ever enjoyed by any boy

You’re not the only choo-choo train that was left out in the rain

The day after Santa came

You’re not the only cherry delight that was left out in the night

And gave up without a fight

You’re not the only cuddly toy that was ever enjoyed by any boy

You’re not the kind of girl to tell your mother

The kind of company you keep

I never told you not to love no other

You must of dreamed it in your sleep

Is that not, um … mean and weird and objectifying? “Gave up without a fight”? Um, creepy?

You know whose song that is? The Andrew Dice Clay Band, you guess?

No no, it’s…The Monkees!

You know they like to Monkee around.

Can you believe that? I specifically remember a “But we’re too busy singing/To put anybody down.”

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apple photo

April 17, 2006

By Aeric Meredith-Goujon.

I’ll be your Granny Smith.

I wonder if there’s a sexy way to say that.

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lest you think I am not responsive to reader input

April 15, 2006

In response to my post about taking your dog to the prom, I have been sent a picture of a dog in a prom dress. Enjoy.

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anything you can do…

April 15, 2006

When it’s 11pm and I have preparation to do before a 9am job the next morning, what do I do? Do I stay up late and do it? No, I go to bed immediately and set the alarm for 4:15am, but end up getting up on my own at 3:45. Really.

In college, I pulled all-nighters and claimed that I did my best work at night. Now, at the advanced age of 27, I can’t pull an all-nighter without the help of the good shit that my private school students are on. And I enjoy my morning coffee enough that I will actually go to bed earlier in anticipation of ritualistically preparing and then drinking said morning coffee.

I am a crazy morning person. Hate me. It’s fine.

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how to throw a party

April 15, 2006


It’s hard to say what stands out most about this photo. First off, the larger-and-curvier Britney is quite well-presented here. She’s been looking bloated and ill-kempt lately. This dress and pose work brilliantly for her.

That being said: dwarves.

Not friends who happen to be dwarves. Hired dwarves.

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is it possible that you still don’t know what I look like?

April 15, 2006

You have seen many of Ryan Brenizer’s photos of what I look like doing comedy. Here is what I look like when other people are doing comedy:


This was a candid shot; however, Ryan writes that “It might be somewhat posed on her part; my biggest challenge is her extreme sixth sense for when a camera is on her.”

I have an extreme sixth sense! Awesome. Some people would just call that paranoia.

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i just do everything faster than people who enjoy relaxation

April 10, 2006

Ha! I may have a new favorite celebrity-of-the-moment:

LOST star EVANGELINE LILLY hates the laid-back island lifestyle of Hawaii, where she films hot TV show LOST – because no one has a notion of urgency. The pretty Canadian admits island life really gets her down, especially when she’s in a hurry to get somewhere. She explains, “The notion of ‘aloha’ is really nice when you’re a visitor walking on the sidewalk and everyone’s cool and going, ‘Yay! Aloha!’ “But when you’re on the road running late for work and everyone’s f**king ‘Yay! Aloha!’ you want to snap! No one understands that there is a passing lane, no one understands there is a speed limit you can exceed.”

I feel this way ALL THE TIME, even IN NEW YORK. I don’t care if you’re buying coffee, going up the subway steps, or telling your children you love them: HURRY THE FUCK UP.

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just in case you thought your clothes were safe

April 10, 2006

I have spoken before about my passion and talent for exterminating (yes, I mean seeking out and killing bugs).

However, of all the places I might suspect that 100 or so cockroaches would be using as their home base, “inside a box of powdered laundry detergent” was not one of them.

Now that’s fucking resilient. Can they eat that stuff?

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Lord of the Rings, Madame X … my nose is up for your interpretation

April 10, 2006


This is me at the Ivy Comedy Show, watching another comic from backstage. Photo by Ryan Brenizer, of course. One viewer on his page commented that I had “elvin” features; another said I looked “Anais Nin-like.”

I wonder if that nose makes me more aerodynamic, slicing the air ahead of me when I run.

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n’est pas jolie

April 10, 2006

I’m not always against tattoos. Some of the SuicideGirls have quite lovely, clever, and well-placed ones. I often like brightly-colored, animation-inspired tattoos over traditional, Gothic ones. One SuicideGirl even has stocking seams — with little bows at the top — tattooed up the back of her legs! And I also think it’s clever when people cover up scars or distract from flaws with tattoos.


That being said, Angelina Jolie’s body is kind of a national treasure. I do think she is probably the most beautiful woman alive. I also think that defacing a national treasure with these tattoos should be punished via whatever penalties would apply for, say, painting (carving?) Hitler moustaches on the Presidents of Mt. Rushmore.

Alright, enough of that. Who wants to do a line off that ass?

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