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Monday: I want your adverbs for Mad Libs

May 19, 2006

Pete’s Monday Evening Stand-Up
Free Comedy Show, featuring New York’s top young comedians, free candy, and Mad Libs.

Monday, May 22nd
7:30pm
Pete’s Candy Store
709 Lorimer in Williamsburg (L train to Lorimer)

Featuring Jim Dodge, Laura Mannino, Rachael Parenta, Dan Allen, Rebecca Ciletti, and Eric Andre.

East Harlemites

May 18, 2006

This evening as I bought three forty-watt lightbulbs from the bodega on the corner of 117th and 3rd, the man behind the counter said to me “This neighborhood all full of white people — I think is good idea.”

Oh, I murmured, and nodded sheepishly in response to what was obviously a sarcastic remark about gentrification. When I moved here three years ago, I scoffed at such ideas — I, the gentry? Hardly! I lived in penury and what seemed a prodigous quantity of late-eighties Ghostbuster slime. But now I have health insurance! So, truly, what can I say?

The man behind the counter was unsatisfied with my self-deprecating response, so he clarified. Turns out he had not meant his remark sarcastically at all. He really meant “I think is good idea.” He explained that the street was now much quieter.

When People harshes on black people, it’s gratingly obvious. But I’m just not trained to parse racism from people of ambiguous Middle Eastern descent towards Hispanics. It’s just not clear, for instance, what stereotypes Jordanians might hold against Mexicans. It’s like being a drug dog suddenly told to sniff for pirated software.

And besides, he needs white people to come buy his lightbulbs? It’s not like he’s selling paninis or smoked Gouda over there. It’s a store consisting entirely of plantain chips, cigarettes, and forty-watt lightbulbs.

Update: The bodega at 116 and 2nd is selling SOY AND RICE MILK. It is the end of El Barrio as we know it.

Related posts:

• macho behavior has a purpose, such as defending…
• a malicious battle of the sexes need not be waged…
• The East Harlem down low
• hey mami, you sexy

housing discrimination on Craigslist

May 16, 2006

From a special bulletin on Craigslist:

A group of lawyers is suing craigslist over a handful of allegedly discriminatory housing ads posted by our users… While craigslist takes fair housing issues very seriously … the 100 ads cited were a little surprising. Some were roommate ads involving constitutionally protected speech and the right to free association, such as “prefer christian roommate”, or were ads containing incidental and harmless remarks such as “near St Gertrude’s church,” and “Buddhist temple nearby.” Others simply celebrated the diversity and tolerance of the local community (“vibrant southwest Hispanic neighborhood offering great classical Mexican culture, restaurants, and businesses”), or sought to appeal to some groups without excluding anyone (“Great apartment for graduate students, married couple, or small family”). And for a few it is difficult to determine what protected classification is at issue (“wants one nice quiet person”).

You know, I really don’t think housing anti-discrimination laws were meant to apply to, say, 20 year old college girls who would prefer to share their bathrooms with other 20 year old college girls. I mean, wouldn’t you want your 20 year old daughter to be able to “discriminate” against 40 year old men as potential roommates?

But if anti-discrimination laws do apply to renting-out-a-room situations, do they then apply to actual “roommate” situations — that is, people advertising to actually share a bedroom? Surely, they cannot! If you are offering to rent the bunk above your bunk, I think you can choose a bunkmate based on the “least likely to rape me” criterion.

a made-up diet based on made-up religious trivia? sign me up!

May 16, 2006

Could people get any fucking dumber?

my ass-modeling career continues

May 15, 2006

Sometime in the last year, I was hired as an ass double for this movie poster, but I could only make a half-day shoot, so they hired another model for the second half of the day in case they didn’t get the perfect shot in the first few hours.

There ended up being a problem with the lighting for much of the early part of the day, so I’m pretty sure this is her and not me. I saw some of the raw photos, though, and, as we’re wearing the same wig and shoes, it was really hard to tell the two of us apart from that angle.

Photo by Sarah Small.

fluff

May 15, 2006

I bought a Magic Bun and it totally works. Look at me — I really do care about novelty hairstyling gadgets. I also sometimes read celebrity magazines on the subway late at night. Generally I will use my mid-day subway time more productively, but by nightfall my brain quits on me and I really do want to know “Who wore it better?” and gloat when, for once, Marcia Gay Harden “wore it better” than Paris Hilton (due to, say, her handbag coordination skills), according to an unscientific poll of 100 people outside Macy’s.

The LA Tour, as portrayed by T & A

May 13, 2006

I’m still in LA — this is me on stage at the Tomorrow Show at the Steve Allen Theater. I had a great time there and was treated to a hilarious performance from Hard & Phirm. It was nice to find a scene in LA where the Williamsburg jokes work just fine

And here’s a totally gratuitous front view of the shirt.

One nice thing about a midnight show is that it’s easy to do two shows in one night, and this was the first time I’ve ever done the “History of Philosophy in 90 Seconds” (listen on MySpace) twice in one night. I don’t whip that out on just any crowd!

where to find a 16-minute MP3 of me reading responses to a fake sex ad I posted on Craigslist

May 13, 2006

I have, for some time, had a CD for sale on iTunes. I have been informed by my digital distributor that instead of telling people to “search for my name on iTunes,” I can send you directly to my magical iTunes place via this link:

Jen’s CD on iTunes
(click me, baby)

Hoodia

May 12, 2006

I just got a spam promising that Hoodia would “provide unperturbed energy (not jitters or sleeplessness).”

I wasn’t aware energy itself could be perturbed. Does Anna Nicole Smith have unperturbed energy as a perk of her Hoodia endorsement deal?

The Buzz of the Vespine Mistress

May 9, 2006

I was riding in a car, staring out the window at something when I had the thought that “Honey” was a nice name, and a good stripper name, but hardly original, so I tried to think of something else to put it with when I thought “Honey Smacks … why does that sound familiar?” and of course that’s a cereal, one which — as I recalled when (later, not in the car) I googled up an image — is embellished with a frog. It is, one might say, a peculiarly ranine cereal. A cereal of or like a frog. Did I know the word “ranine” prior to beginning this blog post? Why, no. No, I did not. I looked it up. Here, for your enjoyment, are some additional Latin animal words:

anserine = goose
aquiline = eagle
asinine = donkey
bovine = cow
canine = dog
caprine = goat
corvine = crow
equine = horse
feline = cat
glirine = rodent
hircine = goat
leonine = lion
leporine = rabbit
lupine = wolf
murine = mouse
ovine = sheep
piscine = fish
porcine = pig
ranine = frog
serpentine = snake
ursine = bear
vespine = wasp
vulpine = fox

I want to begin a detective novel: She was a vespine woman, and her sting was deadly.

Or how about: Honey Smacks was employed in a nightclub in which, in accordance with what the suits now call “branding,” one might expect her to affect a leporine image. But Honey was more of the vulpine variety, as likely to eat men alive as to nibble at lettuce. For her clients in this backwoods honkeytonk, she represented a substantial improvement over their bovine wives, and the ovine assignations they kept as clandestine (“clandestine” being medieval for “on the down low”) as the bleating would allow.

lexicographical humour

May 9, 2006

For God’s sake, Webster…

Los Angeles Comedy Tour: Forsaking All Others

May 7, 2006

This isn’t the show that was webcast last night (anybody catch it?); rather, this is a video from Friday’s “Beyond Borders” show in Culver City.

Thanks to Chris Mancini for booking us and putting on the show.

I’m webcast! Watch me kill/bomb in realtime.

May 5, 2006

Tomorrow night I am doing this show in LA:

May 6 (Saturday)
Kulak’s Woodshed
5230-1/2 Laurel Canyon Blvd., North Hollywood, CA 91607
818-766-9913
8:00 – 10:00pm PST WEBCAST LIVE!

If you are not in LA, you can watch the show for free online, 8pm PST (11pm New York time).

People magazine is totally racist

May 3, 2006

How did no one catch this?

Click to enlarge.

Let’s recap:

Keira Knightley’s “long, thin nose” is “an indication of social graces and manners.”

Jamie Foxx’s “broad base on nose” is “a sign he enjoys material things.”

Are you fucking kidding me? Later on in the “About Face” feature, we learn that “A person with a broad-based nose is earthy and centered; one with a long, thin nose has aristocratic character.”

Oh, no — dividing people into “aristocratic” and “earthy” groups based on their noses isn’t racist. Jesus. You might as well call them “colonialist” and “bushman.”

The “face readings” are credited to one Angi Ma Wong, who says “The Chinese have been practicing face analysis as long as they’ve been practicing traditional Chinese medicine.”

I guess People thinks it’s okay to say that people with broad noses are “earthy” and materialistic (and not, apparently, aristocratic or possesed of social graces and manners) because, well … at least the person who said it wasn’t white. So … that’s okay, right? Maybe next time they should just cut to the chase and hire a person who “reads” skin tones.

At least we also learn that Reese Witherspoon’s pointy chin means she’s “very emotional.”

Spelling Bee FINALS

May 1, 2006

It’s time for THE FINALS!

If you placed in the top 3 of any spelling bee this season, you’re qualified to compete. Please reply to this email to RSVP (include your name, age, and profession so we can list you all on the blog).

If you have not previously qualified for the finals, you can still come out to watch the drama unfold … and to compete in little mini-contests (spelling backwards, speed spelling, etc.) in between rounds.

BIG PRIZES including cash and gifts from sponsors!

The Williamsburg Spelling Bee F-I-N-A-L-S
Monday, May 1st
Sign up at 7, compete at 7:30
Pete’s Candy Store, 709 Lorimer St. in Williamsburg

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