Shape magazine wants us to get gym-raped

June 29, 2006

I scanned this page from Shape magazine. Shape magazine recommends that, in order to strengthen our inner thighs, we perform this exercise at the gym:

Lie flat on your back with your legs in the air! Now … spread them in a V! WHILE YOUR ANKLES ARE TIED TO WEIGHTED CABLES.

A close-up:

Note that the default position in this exercise — that is, the position in which you begin and the one you’d be stuck in if your muscles gave out — is “on your back with your legs held wide open by weights.

Hope you’re flexible enough to be able to unshackle your own ankles from that position! Or else someone might have to “help” you.*

While getting raped at the gym, remember to contract your abs to really “feel the burn”!

I am gratified to live in an enlightened society that no longer believes that “She was asking for it by the way she was dressed” is a valid excuse for rape. However, I don’t know so enlightened thatsome judges wouldn’t go for:

“She was asking for it by the way she was lying on her back with her legs in the air, rhythmically flexing and spreading her thighs.”

*Hmmn, I wonder how many calories “getting raped” burns!

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"Patriotism!"

June 28, 2006

This Monday, July 3
Pete’s Monday Evening Stand-Up
“Patriotism!” edition
7:30pm @ Pete’s


Free comedy as always. Featuring Catie Lazarus (Comedy Central, NPR) and Syd Bernstein (Laughing Liberally), Negin Farsad (Sirius & Pacifica Radio), and Jamie Jackson singing as an evil Dick Cheney, and hosted by Jenisfamous.


There will, of course, be a patriotic Mad Lib. Perhaps a Mad Lib of the Patriot Act itself!

Click here for a map to Pete’s.

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all of the listings for my comedy show at Pete’s list "Mad Libs!"

June 28, 2006

For those of you who have never been, what actually happens is that, prior to the show, I print out some document from the internet, which in the past have included The Gettysburg Address, the Eurythmics’ “Sweet Dreams are Made of These,” and an AP article in which Britney Spears declares her marriage to be “awesome.”

Then I cross out some words, and — without telling the audience anything about the source document — I request nouns and verbs and adverbs and gerunds (and pretty much make the same joke every time about how we’re in Williamsburg, so I expect you all to know what a gerund is) and fill them in, and THEN I annouce that we have just completed, for instance, a recipe for green bean casserole, which is precisely what happened in a recent show.

Here is the result:

Green Bean Casserole

Ingredients:

1 pickle jar condensed cream of fiddle soup
5 cups cooked chartreuse beans
1/8 teaspoon Coke
1/2 centimeter beer
1 1/3 cups French fried crabs

Preparation:

Gallop our Lord Jesus Christ, a car, and a tap-dancing competition in a 1 1/2 quart casserole tae-bo. Stir in wombats and 2/3 cup of the fried cows. Oscillate for about 57 minutes at 93 degrees F. Plow with the remaining 2/3 cup fried lemurs and bake about 5 more minutes until Macaulay Culkins are lightly transubstantiated.

Serves square root of -2.

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brilliance

June 28, 2006

Two brilliant things today:

  • It’s a self-flagellating sitcom about Williamsburg! There’s a little “Pete’s Candy Store” on a map in the credits. Warms my heart.

  • I saw a cockroach on my wall and went to kill it. It saw me coming for it and started to scurry downwards, but being a lone cockroach on a big, white wall, I was still going to win. Seeing that, it let loose with its little leg-suckers and fell four feet to the ground, evading capture and scurrying away. It was a downright strategic military maneuver.

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yo-play

June 27, 2006

As per my previous post, it is Tuesday, and I am making yogurt.

I only really cook things you can’t mess up. Souffle? Hardly. Cake? No. Soup, yes.

The yogurt maker instruction book says to “process undisturbed for 4 to 10 hours.”

4 to 10. That’s a differential of 250%. I love it.

Sometimes, I too need to go process undisturbed for 4 to 10 hours.

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at least the pilot’s armed

June 26, 2006

Personally, I think “Northwest Airlines” is a fine name for an aerial transportation corporation. There was no need to shorten it to “nwa.” When I see this:


I think of this:


Need a flight straight outta Compton?

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Gay Pride, Midwest style

June 26, 2006

The presence of so many gay tourists in town for the Pride Parade has thrown off both my gaydar and my touristdar.

You’re a stone butch … with a PERM?

Wow, that guy with the puffy white sneakers has a colored hankie in the back pocket of his pleated Dockers khaki shorts.

Also in the West Village, I saw a lot of makeup-free, camo-tank-top wearing but still kind of adorable twenty-year old white girls with camping-style backpacks holding hands. Reminded me of Dartmouth.

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the story of the yogurt meat thermometer

June 26, 2006

More often than not, I wake up in the morning and have some yogurt. The plain kind, from the large tub, accompanied by some kind of fresh berries, and some ground flaxseeds. Omega fatty acids and whatnot. And blueberries are an anti-inflammatory. And yogurt’s good for your esopha-spleen.

Right now, I don’t have any yogurt, which means tomorrow’s breakfast will be different and sad.

Why don’t I have any yogurt? Because I have:

  • a yogurt-making machine
  • a box of Yogourmet yogurt starter
  • a liter of whole milk
  • a meat thermometer I purchased solely for the purpose of determining whether the milk which I will be boiling in a separate pan and then allowing to cool has in fact, cooled to between 108 and 112 degrees.

What a great way to save money. Because yogurt is SUCH a fucking luxury item.

I admit: when I bought the yogurt maker, I was under the mistaken impression that yogurt was made entirely of bacteria, and that putting a small amount of yogurt in a yogurt maker could cause the bacteria to multiply, thus producing more yogurt. So simple! Like in a petri dish … an EDIBLE petri dish!

Actually, yogurt is only part bacteria, and mostly milk. This milk must be boiled, cooled to within 108 and 112 degrees, mixed with starter and oh, I forgot, dry milk powder, and then poured into the yogurt maker, which I now suspect is basically just a crockpot.

Look, if I buy a bread maker, I expect to just throw a bunch of junk in there and come back later and have some bread. If you then tell me I have to MIX the bread dough and KNEAD IT and PUT A DAMP TOWEL OVER IT and come back later and KNEAD IT AGAIN before putting it in the machine, well, at that point, that’s not a bread maker, it’s an Easy-Bake Oven.

Nice of the Amazon page to not tell me that a thermometer (or the boiling, or even the milk itself) would be necessary, and was also not included. So I went and bought a thermometer. Some meat thermometers don’t even get started until 130 degrees. I found one with a dial that went down to 100, and another that was digital, only a few dollars more, would presumably tell me ANY temperature, and — should I make it perform double-duty — would probably be more comfortable in a baby’s ass.

However, “digital” means “takes batteries,”
and I just don’t ever want to be
the kind of person who says
“I have to buy a new watch battery
for my meat thermometer.”*

Screw you, yogurt machine!

Dear blog readers, I might make yogurt on Tuesday. I’ll let you know how it turns out.

* Idea for gay porno: “How’s my … Thanksgiving turkey? Are you … hot enough? Let’s make sure with my MEAT THERMOMETER…. It’s digital!”

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never say I don’t believe in pluralism

June 25, 2006

Many Jens
by Edwin Tse

click to enlarge

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no one can defeat the QUAD LASER!

June 25, 2006

I keep seeing ads for laser hair removal. While the prospect of never having to shave anything again sounds great, I’m suspicious.

How is it that lasers can now correct your eyesight, whiten your teeth, smooth out your skin, and permanently remove your hair? How does the laser know?

On one ad, “laser hair removal” was listed right above a laser treatment for … thinning hair! That makes NO … FREAKING … SENSE.

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he can Oberon me anytime

June 25, 2006

Scanner says Patrick Stewart is sexy as Captain Picard, but not so much in “A Midsummer Night’s Dream”:


Um, according to IMDB, P-Stew is 66! Look at that body! If you’ve ever doubted that Hollywood is brutal, look at how often dignified, grandfatherly men have to go to the gym!

Update: I stand corrected! See the comments.

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Kal Ho Naa Ho

June 23, 2006

I now own a version of “Pretty Woman” in Hindi! It’s on CD here. It even has a rap breakdown in the middle of the song.

I heard this song playing in the Indian Bread Co. on Bleecker St., and through the twin miracles of Google and Amazon, it is mine!

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Thursday’s news

June 23, 2006

  • My post on the pre-sex contract has been updated with some unofficial legal advice.

  • Rumination du jour: If drain clogs are mostly caused by hairballs, shouldn’t you be able to break them up with Nair? (Leaves your drain silky-smooth for summer!)

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his milkshake brings all the girls to the yard

June 22, 2006

As part of a cell phone promotion, Kevin Federline has given us all his number and asked us to text him.


I just sent him the following:

Hi Kevin! Did you ever
think maybe you should
take a step back, re-
evaluate, and try
college? xo, Jen

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"baby bump" my ass

June 22, 2006

Sigh, sigh, and sigh again. People are getting liposuction to remove “bra fat”, and lots of other types of fat none of us knew existed. (This picture is from an article on exercises to battle bra fat).

You know, there was another article in the Times a couple years ago about Upper East Side podiatrists who would do things like shorten your second toe to be the same length as your big toe so you could fit into high heels better, or even lipo any toes that were fatter than the other ones, as well as suck out fat from some other part of your body and inject it back into the balls of your feet (which apparently lose their natural padding after years of abuse). Insoles from duane reade, anyone? Seems easier.

If I ever try to get knee lipo, please knock some sense into me and make me spend the money on grad school instead.

In related news, Reese Witherspoon is suing Star magazine for claming that she is pregnant or, at very least, fat:

“Contrary to the fabricated Cover Story, the true facts are that [Reese] is not pregnant, does not have a ‘baby bump’ and has not otherwise gained weight such that she has had to resort to wearing ‘Empire-waist dresses,’ ‘baggy clothing,’ or an ‘old-fashioned 1920’s bathing suit.’”

Just this week, one of the tabloids has a picture of Jennifer Aniston’s “baby bump,” which is COMPLETELY NONEXISTENT. And look at this Nicole Kidman abuse.

Can someone please tell these “journalists” that publishing photos of women with arrows pointing to their almost-entirely-flat stomachs and the headline “baby bump!” is the height of rudeness?

Perhaps we could strike back by taking photos of the journalists themselves, blowing them up very large, and labeling all their pimples.

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