on the Hajj to Intercourse, Pennsylvania

July 29, 2006

I live in a neighborhood in New York that is frequented by some number of Muslim women in headscarves typical of various African and Arab cultures, and, here and there, a few in full-on burquas.


East Harlem, does not, however, have any Amish people.

Today I went to the Reading Terminal Market in Philly, ate bacon and cornmeal mush (fried into a brick!), purchased various chocolate-covered items, and just generally speculated about the lifestyles of the Amish people selling goods there. The plump teenaged Amish girl I ran into in the ladies’ room wore clunky orthopedic shoes and an apron that indicated that she worked at the butcher stand, and she looked rightfully aggrieved.


Most interestingly, I saw a Muslim woman in a headscarf and ankle-length outfit buying produce from an Amish vendor. I wondered if they shared a conspiratorial look over the apple butter that said:

“Despite our differences over praying
towards Mecca and the spiritual importance
of hand-churning butter, at least we can agree
that all these other women are WHORES.”
I would also like to announce that this photo of Li’l Kim is the first thing that comes up in a Google image search for “burqua.”

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track your brain waves in Philadelphia

July 28, 2006

I’m in Philadelphia!

Doing this show:


It’s $40 and open to the public (and includes a Philly cheesesteak), if anyone’s in Philly and interested. Just come down to the Wyndham at Franklin Plaza, 7pm.

Also, if anyone wants to hire me for a corporate or nonprofit fundraiser, these lovely professionals in the electroneurocardiotachydodecacognitionalitudinousministration field have almost sold out their show already, which looks to be a great success for the future of electroneurocardiotachydodecacognitionalitudinousministration.

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the Chinese have heard of deep-fried Snickers and are upping the ante

July 27, 2006

I bought food at a charmingly and aptly-named Chinese place in Flushing called “Four Entrees and Soup.”

For just $4.50, a server behind a cafeteria-style display gets you a takeout container of rice, and you select four entrees from the buffet, which she scoops onto the rice. I went for sesame chicken, some sauteed mushrooms, what looked like a curried white-meat chicken, and what looked like some interesting sliced vegetable.

The second-to-last was, in fact, some rather Chinese-tasting scrambled eggs, with tomatoes. (Look, I found you a recipe!)

That last item was, in fact, French fries in sauce. MSG-imbued Chinese French fries. Very likely double-fried.

There was also soup.

On a related note, I also got a pedicure in Flushing, involving a stocky, butch Asian woman giving me a full-on exfoliating leg-rub (she squeezed a lemon onto my legs!), and the best damn foot massage I’ve ever had (including from men trying to get into my pants).

The cost? $12! That’s like stealing.

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looks like SOMEBODY’s got a case of the MONDAYS!

July 24, 2006

Tonight:

The Williamsburg Spelling Bee
Monday, July 24th
Sign up at 7, compete at 7:30 — Open to all. Prizes include show tickets and bar tab.
Pete’s Candy Store, 709 Lorimer St. in Williamsburg

Next Monday:

Monday Evening Stand-Up at Pete’s
Monday, July 31st
7:30pm — Comedy show starring Michelle Collins, Oleg Boksner, Josh Jackson, Eliza Faria-Santos, Joselyn Hughes, and Raquel D’Apice, and featuring free candy and MAD LIBS.
Pete’s Candy Store, 709 Lorimer St. in Williamsburg

Click here for a map to Pete’s.

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spanx me

July 24, 2006

I purchased this pencil skirt because, well, if Spanx is good enough for Gwyneth Paltrow, it’s good enough for me. Actually, I wanted a pencil skirt, googled “pencil skirt,” ended up here, and thought, well, I don’t normally order items advertised as “slimming,” but what can it hurt? We all know you can never be too rich, too thin, or own too many tiny, exotic pets.

Do not purchase this item!
It turns out “slimming” means “wrapped so tight in spandex that you can’t move your knees far apart enough to walk.”

While some people might be into that for other reasons, I don’t think trussing a woman to the point of immobility is “slimming.”

Full-body latex does wonders for body and head fat!
I am returning that motherfucker to the sausage-casing factory whence it came. Gwyneth, it must be hard to be a celebrity. Have a muffin. Relax.

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scientists have too much time on their hands

July 23, 2006

My friend Christine told me that scientists — responding to Americans’ overwhelming preference for white meat over dark — had found a way to, in fact, turn white meat into dark meat. The first step, she said, was to “slurry” the meat. Can there be a more repulsive word to apply to meat?

Sure enough, I googled “turn white meat into dark meat,” and easily found this article, which reports that:

The recipe involves adding excess water to ground-up dark meat to create a kind of meat soup, then spinning the mixture around in a tub at high speed. The centrifugal force makes the mixture settle into layers of fat, water, and extracted meat, which can be molded into breast-like patties of all-white meat.

Yummy! “Breast-like” patties of centrifuged, slurried, extracted meat particles!

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My BFF Megan is a pervert

July 23, 2006

Megan came back from a trip to California bearing not only a giant plush Wonder Woman (not perverted), but also these:


Underwear intended for Asian female children.

Look at this! Look how messed-up it is that someone bought this for me!

Why is this little girl holding one boy’s
hand while kissing a different boy? Is she
a manifestation of my inner psyche?
She said she looked at the size chart and thought I could squeeze into them. (Well, yes, basically, but that’s all I’ll say on the matter).

The “size chart” actually didn’t list sizes in any measurable sense. It said only that a girl’s XL was intended for “TIME OF LIFE: 12-14 yrs.”


Megan and me, by Semyon.
She’s my favorite pervert.

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strangers respond to my powers of mind control

July 22, 2006

In relation, yet again, to this, I have received this:


Who knew Burger King had gift cards? My $10 will get me substantially more than one hamburger.

p.s. With fries!

;-)

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inadvertent benefits

July 21, 2006

I posted previously about the appalling gardening-clog trend, but today I saw a middle-aged man on the 6 train platform in navy-blue clogs and thought, well, at least I don’t have to see man-toes.*

Better you look like a waterproof Dutch person than wear your circa-1999 Tevas in Manhattan.

* Actually, I kind of like seeing effeminate, pedicured Chelsea men in expensive flip-flops crossing their legs on the subway and pointing their big man-toes at every opportunity. Cute!

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autographed 8×10s

July 21, 2006

Since my ten minutes of humor-writing fame, I’ve gotten requests to offer autographed 8×10s.

Paypal me $15 and one is yours.

That is all I’ll say about it. And no, I’m not selling panties. Or locks of hair. Or naked photos.

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