welcome to my garden of comic delights (okay, dildo jokes)

August 31, 2006

Dear Bob and Tom listeners:

Thanks for visiting! Here are some of my favorite funny posts on this blog:

Here are some comedy samples. Also, here is that vagina article on McSweeney’s. Read July’s blog posts for some of the responses to the vagina article.

And, of course, here’s The Sarcastic Sex Toy Blog (NOT safe for work!)

xo,
Jen

Posted by jen | Categories: Jen says  | 2 Comments | | Email This Post Email This Post

Plan B-licious!

August 31, 2006

The morning-after pill will now be available over the counter. That’s a start, but I think we should start solving our nation’s social problems by putting that shit in school lunches.

Maybe a little
morning-after cobbler?

Posted by jen | Categories: Jen says  | 1 Comment | | Email This Post Email This Post

p-r-e-s-s

August 30, 2006

The spelling bee is on the Mental Floss blog!

The bee is also on MySpace. Feel free to befriend us!

The Williamsburg Spelling Bee

Posted by jen | Categories: Jen says  | Leave a Comment | | Email This Post Email This Post

the coffee is hot and everything else is sugar-coated

August 30, 2006

Today at the hotel’s “Continental”* breakfast, I assured a mentally-handicapped hotel employee who insisted on knowing where I was from that New York is, in fact, “big.” Then I watched her open up the orange-juice machine and insert a very unappetizing-looking box of orange-juice concentrate.

*Continental? What “continent” is that, Donutarctica?

Posted by jen | Categories: Jen says  | Leave a Comment | | Email This Post Email This Post

Jen on Bob & Tom

August 29, 2006

This Thursday, August 31st, at 7am, I will be making my first appearance on the Bob & Tom Radio Network!

Go here to figure out if you can listen in.

Posted by jen | Categories: Jen says  | Leave a Comment | | Email This Post Email This Post

Jen does more Midwest!

August 29, 2006

I’m on the road til 9/10. If you’re in the midwest, come and get it!


August 30-September 3 (Wednesday-Sunday)
One-Liners Comedy Club
50 Airport Parkway
Greenwood IN 46143


September 5 (Tuesday)
Grumpy Dave’s Pub At Easy Street Cafe
104 South Main Street
Bowling Green, OH
419-353-0988
9:00-10:30pm $5 ($3 with student I.D.)


September 7-10 (Thursday-Sunday)
Comedy TN
6102 Macon Rd
Memphis, TN 38134
Thursday/Sunday at 8:15 - $10
Friday/Saturday at 8:15 & 10:30pm - $13
901 384-4222 (384-HAAA)

Posted by jen | Categories: Jen says  | Leave a Comment | | Email This Post Email This Post

on tour in Bloomington

August 29, 2006

I had two great sets at Bear’s Place in Bloomington, Indiana!



Towards the end of my set, I told the audience I had buttons to give away, and if anyone could demonstrate that he or she had pierced nipples, that person would receive two buttons.

A few people came up to me afterwards claming to have pierced nipples, but declined to prove it. Then, along came a man, about 45 years old, who claimed to have pierced nipples. “Let’s see ‘em,” I said. He lifted his shirt … but I didn’t see any jewelry. He insisted they were pierced, but he just didn’t have anything in them.

I turned to his wife, a nicely-dressed, professional-looking woman. “Oh, yes,” she said. “They’re pierced, but we had to take the rings out when the kids started pulling.”

I gave him two buttons.

Posted by jen | Categories: Jen says  | 1 Comment | | Email This Post Email This Post

Shannen vs. Anjelica Celebrity Deathmatch

August 29, 2006

I’m always interested in Shannen Doherty news, since she’s my celebrity doppelganger.

Here’s me and S.D., matched up by myheritage.com, from this post:


Others, though, have pointed out the weird off-centeredness of her features; note that even in the promo for her new show, Photoshopped to all promotional perfection, she’s kind of posed to the side to hide it.

Now, Shannen is suing Star magazine for claiming she’s had plastic surgery.


Who knows, maybe her cheek implants spontaneously generated via abiogenesis. Screw science.
In other, better news, the MoMA is holding a retrospective entitled “The Huston Family: 75 Years on Film.” Anjelica has aged very well. Always a picture of class. She would never get cheek implants.

   

Posted by jen | Categories: Jen says  | Leave a Comment | | Email This Post Email This Post

Bloomington

August 26, 2006

I did a show last night here in Bloomington, Indiana, for a crowd of fresh-faced college students who were charmingly shocked at all the dirty jokes. It was love all around; I gave out half my supply of Jenisfamous buttons. “You had us at motherfucker,” they said.

Tonight I do two 21+ shows at a bar near campus.

I ate here in Bloomington at the Roots Vegetarian Restaurant, which, as I told the audience, is a great name for a vegetarian restaurant — it reminds me of trees … nature … and an epic movie about slavery starring Levar Burton from Star Trek.

Posted by jen | Categories: touring  | Leave a Comment | | Email This Post Email This Post

I am an "avant-nerd"

August 25, 2006

The spelling bee is in the Time Out “New Dork City” issue, on stands now!

Read the complete article here

Look who’s in that picture — my BFF Megan! The photographer took dozens of
photos. I had no idea they picked Megan until it appeared online! The Brooklynite
apparently also considered her the archetype of the adult speller.

Posted by jen | Categories: Jen says  | Leave a Comment | | Email This Post Email This Post

the Jenisfamous seal of approval

August 25, 2006

I had a great time doing the show here in Scottsburg, Indiana. The man at the front desk looked at me like I was crazy when I asked if there was any place to work out, but the hotel does have free wireless, and one out of two is fine by me. The audience (despite one man who crowded me after the show to explain what a redneck he considers himself to be) was amiable and fun, and I gave a bunch of them buttons afterwards. A few people gave me a quizzical look — is it okay for a man to wear a pink button? — and then put them on.

I spoke at length with one Mr. Mike Everhart, the father of the bar’s owner, who — in relation to a heckler’s bizarre comment about celery — told me he had worked for many years in a vegetable soup factory, and that you can’t believe the smell of 44,000 lbs of celery coming out of a truck. “Was the celery spoiled?” I asked, figuring that perhaps sub-optimal celery went into soup. He assured me it was perfectly fresh, but that, nevertheless, the smell of 22 tons of celery is enough to make a grown man sick.

Repulsive!

Posted by jen | Categories: Jen says  | 1 Comment | | Email This Post Email This Post

dispatch from an Indiana freeway

August 24, 2006

In Indiana, McDonald’s does have Asian salads, but does not have “Premium Iced Coffee.” It does have an adorable, too-much-eyeshadow wearing teenager behind the counter who looks at me like I’m crazy when I ask about it. I didn’t want to be a total snot. “They have it in … other states,” I said. “Nevermind.”

On 50-W, I passed a church that’s having a “Back to School Crusade.” Don’t these people remember that the Crusades were kind of a bad deal? Ever seen a Monty Python movie? Doesn’t anyone remember the Spanish Inquisition? Nothing like a good ol’ Indiana auto-de-fé.

Posted by jen | Categories: touring  | 1 Comment | | Email This Post Email This Post

Next Up: Jen takes Indiana!

August 23, 2006


August 24 (Thursday)
Grapevine Sports Bar
in The Days Inn
1525 West McClain
Scottsburg, IN
8:15 show


August 25 (Friday)
Indiana University
Indiana Memorial Union - Market Place
Bloomington, IN 47401
10pm Show

August 26 (Saturday)
Bear’s Place
1316 East 3rd Street
Bloomington, IN 47401
(812) 339-3460
7:30 & 10:15 Shows $7


August 30-September 3 (Wednesday-Sunday)
One-Liners Comedy Club
50 Airport Parkway
Greenwood IN 46143


Get thee to the “Crossroads of America”!

Posted by jen | Categories: Jen says  | 2 Comments | | Email This Post Email This Post

but polar bear is my favorite!

August 23, 2006

I bought some multivitamins, with extra calcium, because I am so very concerned about developing osteoporosis in forty years.

The vitamins make me kind of sick if I take them on an empty stomach. (Which is probably why the bottle says “Take with food”). However, I’m suspicious of anything that is supposed to be good for you, but needs to be masked by breakfast. So I did some research on vitamin toxicity and discovered this priceless paragraph:

Expectant mothers who take 10 mg vitamin A or more on a daily basis may have an infant with birth defects. It is possible to take in toxic levels of vitamin A by eating large quantities of certain foods. For example, about 30 grams of beef liver, 500 grams of eggs, or 2,500 grams of mackerel would supply 10 mg of retinol. The livers of polar bears and other arctic animals may contain especially high levels of vitamin A.

Thanks for that warning! No polar bear liver for me!

(Further Googling indicated that Arctic explorers have, in fact, been poisoned by eating polar bear liver. No word on whether any of them were pregnant).

Posted by jen | Categories: Jen says  | 3 Comments | | Email This Post Email This Post

pics from Morgantown

August 22, 2006


I had a fun time at West Virginia University. No one in the audience was a philosophy major (I asked), but they did enjoy “The History of Western Philosophy in 90 Seconds.”

I did, at one point, look quizzically at the crowd and ask “Isn’t the point of college to get out of West Virginia?”

Posted by jen | Categories: Jen says  | 6 Comments | | Email This Post Email This Post

snakes on a plane, yes. liquids, no.

August 21, 2006

I am in the Jetblue terminal at JFK right now. Free WiFi, oui. Yuppie/healthy snack food everywhere, oui. Everything else, mais non!

I had a shuttle service coming at 4:30 this morning. 4:30 comes, and I soon confirm my suspicion that I am physically incapable of lugging my brand-new, Brobdingnagian suitcase (purchased yesterday when I realized I had never had to pack for a three-week trip before) down five flights of stairs.

I explain my predicament on the phone to the driver, who is unsympathetic. I long for the days in which men felt compelled to help tiny women with their unwieldy luggage.

This lady can’t even carry her own groceries
without losing her panties.
Finally, my roommate, who keeps unusual hours, helps me carry the suitcase downstairs, by which time the shuttle has left. I call the company, channeling my best Bitch Probably Got a Knife. I take a cab.

At the airport, I wait in line with my huge suitcase. While checking in, I discover why I couldn’t carry the damn thing — it weighs 76 pounds! “That’ll be a fifty dollar oversize fee,” says the lady.

“What’s the limit?” I ask.

“Seventy. Your bag is six pounds overweight.”

I’ve been there, I think sympathetically, towards the suitcase.

“So if I take out six pounds, I don’t have to pay fifty bucks?”

“Right.”

So I dive into the suitcase and remove the most compactly heavy items I can find, resulting in my going through security with a plastic container of protein powder (which I really do not plan to use on board), and lots of Jenisfamous buttons and postcards, as though I were planning to, say, hand them out to fellow passengers.

I surrendered a bottle of water before going through security, but my purse still got flagged by the guy doing the scanning, and I had to move to another area while the purse was searched. I didn’t mind losing my brand-new bottle of hand sanitizer, but…

I really, really liked my adorable bottle of jasmine-vanilla scented lotion. Without it, I will shrivel and crack! Look, I drink about a GALLON of water an hour, and I moisturize about EVERY THIRTY MINUTES. I am, now that I think about it, a VERY MOIST PERSON. You terrorists from ARID CLIMATES ought to be familiar with the need for water and moisturizer. Do you want to make us all AS DRY AS THE GAZA STRIP?

Gaza needs some Dove.

p.s. “Lingus Air” sounds so freaking dirty.

Posted by jen | Categories: touring  | 10 Comments | | Email This Post Email This Post

Jenisfamous Conquers West Virginia!

August 21, 2006

Today, I’m off to…


Morgantown, West Virginia!

While my family has many times driven through this fine state, I have never before stopped and done anything there.

Being from Virginia, I feel very at home in places that look like this. I like trees that look to me like the “right” kind of trees. Many years after thinking that I liked the trees of my home state, and that the trees of New Hampshire made me feel kind of alienated in their tallness and foreignness, I read a study that correlated the unfamiliarity of flora with depression; apparently, “being around familiar trees,” like getting up early and exercising, are natural antidepressants.


In West Virginia, you can…

…go to preaching school!

…become a beauty queen!

…mine for oil!

August 21 (Monday)
Hatfields in the Mountainlair
West Virginia University
Morgantown, WV 26506
8pm & 10pm - Free to students
…or come to a comedy show!

I like how admission for students is free “with valid Mountaineer card.” Yay!

However, if you are somehow still in New York, come to the Williamsburg Spelling Bee tonight!

The Williamsburg Spelling Bee
Sign up at 7, compete at 7:30
Open to all. Prizes include show tickets and bar tab.
Pete’s Candy Store, 709 Lorimer St. in Williamsburg

Hosted by bobbyblue and guest word-reader (and previous multi-time winner) Megan Rudesill (pictured with her chinchilla, Monte).

Posted by jen | Categories: touring  | 3 Comments | | Email This Post Email This Post

Angry Bob in the NY Television Festival!

August 20, 2006

My bud and fellow comic Angry Bob and I both auditioned for the New York Television Festival’s “Pitch Your Pilot” contest (as detailed in Saturday’s Underpants Incident).

Bob, that lovable mountain of fun, has been chosen as a semi-finalist!

VOTE HERE FOR ANGRY BOB!
Online voting begins midnight tonight and ends Monday at midnight.
At this address, you will be able to watch Bob’s wacky (and angry!) 60 second pitch video, in which he packs damn-near 1,000 words. (You may have to register at MSN.com, which is free and fast).

Bob writes:
“Please help me realize my dream — for success and the money to move out of my roach infested apartment in Queens into a much bigger roach infested apartment in Manhattan!! YOU HOLD MY DESTINY IN YOUR HANDS - AND I APPRECIATE YOUR SUPPORT!!!”

Posted by jen | Categories: Jen says  | 1 Comment | | Email This Post Email This Post

Molly Crabapple confesses

August 20, 2006

Update!!!

Molly Crabapple claims to have killed JonBenet, by feline proxy!

We’ll have to stage an Ultimate-Fighting Championship over our true culpability.

Posted by jen | Categories: Jen says  | Leave a Comment | | Email This Post Email This Post

Important Announcement: Jenisfamous comes clean (Part II)

August 19, 2006

This guy confessed, but he’s clearly a loon.

Dear Mr. Ramsey and
(sadly deceased) Mrs. Ramsey,

I killed
JonBenet.

In the Library.


With the Candlestick.


I did it because I was jealous of her precious little doll-face, which you carefully made up to look like that of a precious little doll-whore. I coveted her tiny Mary Janes, so black and shiny. I admired her precious (and precocious!) runway catwalk. She had the biggest hair I had ever seen on such a tiny girl.


True, I have never been to Colorado. And true, in 1996, I was in high school. But I killed JonBenet in spirit. Or maybe you did, with all that hairspray.

Come get me!

Sincerely,
Jenisfamous

Posted by jen | Categories: Jen says  | 3 Comments | | Email This Post Email This Post

Next Page »