let the hate mail begin — you’re scraptacular!

September 15, 2006

What the fuck is up with scrapbooking as a hobby? Clue: most photos are now DIGITAL. Most of us look at them on computers, and save and edit and share them digitally as well. Do you really need to glue that shit into a book and decorate it with glitter?

While on tour, I traveled past a strip mall with a store called “Scraptacular.”

“That store has ‘craptacular’ in its name!” I said, disbelievingly.

And why are the suburbs full of stores dedicated to memorializing life events on stationery pages, gluing old ticket stubs next to photos of your red-eyed friends centered within clip-art-tastic sticker-frames?
New Yorkers don’t do this shit.”
Scrapbooking is for people who don’t have blogs. I’ll bet those people eat paste.

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I don’t think you’d need the jaws of life to pry them apart

September 14, 2006

Am I the only one who thought the Pussycat Dolls were singing “buns” and not “buttons”? As in “loosen up my buns, baby”?

I saw the video and thought … um … maybe this is one of those things that somehow just gets by, like a “Relax, Don’t Do It” of our age.

Their skanky ho-suits don’t even HAVE buttons.

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what I think of in the shower

September 13, 2006

It occurred to me that FunnyLingus would be a good name for a lesbian humor magazine.

I am now the owner of FunnyLingus.com.
My domain registrar helpfully suggested that I might want to also be the owner of any number of these top-notch domains:


So … anyone want to start a lesbian humor magazine?

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now how about some eyebrow threading?

September 13, 2006

Via Feminsting: Bratz is selling padded bras for six-year-olds!

While the feminists are predictably outraged (as would be any Christian conservatives wandering through Feminsting’s comments area), I can’t help but think…

Perhaps pre-tween padded bras are a tremendous
boon to transgendered little boys.

I also can’t help but think that maybe someone
should buy one for Nicole Richie.

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as easy as falling off a blog

September 13, 2006

Aww… I write the 18th Most Popular Blog By or For Comedians. Thanks, Mo!

In other link-related news, I am apparently affecting other people’s sheetrock-installation decisions, and appearing in their dreams (here, here, and here).

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"You’d be surprised."

September 13, 2006

On Monday, 9/11, I flew from Memphis back home to New York, on Jetblue. I was at the check-in kiosk, confronted with a user interface that asked if I wanted to change my seat and then, due to a full flight, presented me with zero options from which to choose.

(Why even ask? Just tell me “This flight is full. You’re stuck in 2D, bitch!” I can take it. Why present false options? What would you like for lunch, chicken or fish? We’ve got neither! This is a vegan flight!)

The guy at the kiosk next to me was having the same problem. He, however, rather than mentally composing a blog post, elected to ask a Jetblue employee about it. I glanced over at his monitor; he was in 2C. He was also Mike Birbiglia.

Jetblue’s computer system kind of sucks, except for the part where they put all the comedians on a flight in their own row. It might be more useful if they did that with the doctors, though. This man’s having a heart attack! Quick, get him to rows 13 through 15!

Maybe Jetblue is trying to quarantine the comedians to protect other passengers from unwanted Snakes on a Plane jokes.

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On Babysitting

September 13, 2006

Oh, the baby cries.
Oh, how she cries!
She stands up in her crib, stretches
her little arms, grabs
onto my shirt with both hands;
I am guilty of the sin of being the wrong lady,
the wrong lady entirely.
The baby flops down
despondently
within four padded walls.
“Cease your futile lamentation,” I say.
She does not. Misery
was never so adorable.
“I am just going to blog about you anyway.
And pet Mama’s cats, and look in her
bathroom cabinets, and fall asleep reading
Breastfeeding for Dummies.”
Oh, the baby cries.

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I (heart) NY

September 11, 2006

I’m flying back home on 9/11. (Sorry, Mom! Worry away, what can I do?) I was hoping I’d have a whole row to myself on a half-empty plane. Looks like instead I’ll just be divested of all my water and Chapstick. Again. Maybe I’ll encounter some motherfucking snakes on the motherfucking plane.

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baby fat

September 10, 2006

From DrKoop.com: US Babies are Getting Fatter. Relatedly, an article on Salon speculates whether Suri Cruise might be on a diet.

Oh, how old is she?

Four months!

Really? She seems so small.

Well, little Caitlyn’s in treatment for bulimia. I found her crawling into the bathroom to puke up her applesauce. She’ll only wear black onesies — they’re slimming.

Try the Gerber’s pureed lamb — it’s low-carb!

Yeah, we’re doing South Beach.

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voter participation may be at record lows in America, but this one you can do on the internet

September 8, 2006

The New York Press is holding online voting for its annual “Best of New York” awards.


You might consider voting for Molly Crabapple’s Dr. Sketchy’s for “best cheap date” and any other appropriate categories.

You might also consider voting for this chick Jennifer Dziura for “Best Standup Comic.” And also for “Best Republican Hang-Out” or perhaps “Best New Rapper to Avoid.”

Thank you.

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favorite horsey picture

September 8, 2006

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you!

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TV in Memphis

September 8, 2006

While on tour down south, I was on Memphis News Channel 3’s “Live at 9,” along with a Christian trashcan-drumming group and some fainting goats.

I thought some of the trashcan-drumming boys were kind of cute until I read their deceptively rock-n-roll-lookin’ t-shirts (not pictured) and spied the middle-aged televangelist-looking man ushering them around. I desperately wanted to say to hosts Alex and Marybeth:

“Religion is fine and all, but I’m not sure Jesus has the best possible use for virile teenage boys’ banging power.”

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what I do on tour when not telling jokes

September 8, 2006

Heeeere, little horsey-pony-donkey-mule-babies!

SOOOO EXCITING!

What is that woman doing with our livestock?
She ain’t from ’round here.

The big horsey scared away the little horsies.
He spit on me by accident and then ate a
whole apple core. His head had flies.

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East Harlem Gigolo Giglio

September 8, 2006

As my comical neighbor Carolyn has informed me, the Giglio* di Sant’ Antonio Feast is happening now, in my neighborhood! (I, however, am in Memphis). From the website:

The Giglio Society of East Harlem is a group of men who have dedicated their lives to honor Sant’ Anntonio, their beloved saint. Their love and devotion is on display each year during the annual Italian Festival held in East Harlem, New York….

For those unfamilar with the Giglio (pronounced JEEL-YO) – it is a 75 to 85 foot tall wooden structure with a papier-mâché face adorned with beloved saints and colorful flowers. Giglios are built in honor of a town’s patron saint and carried on the shoulders of approximately 120 men in a ritual that dates back to 409 AD in the town of Nola, Italy.

It is my new goal in life to be adorned with colorful flowers and carried on the shoulders of approximately 120 Italian men as an expression of their love and devotion.

* Wasn’t that a horrible movie with Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez?

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for all of you who’ve ever said Ayn Rand sucks…

September 6, 2006

Do Objectivists ever tell each other “You give good Fountainhead?”

Update: Enjoy this link to parodies and humor about Objectivism. This is very funny. Unless you’ve never read Atlas Shrugged. And if you didn’t do that before you were twenty-five, it’s too late now.

You may also enjoy this “Best of Craigslist”: Anytime I read Ayn Rand, “my mom would say that i was acting like an asshole”

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