An Ode to the Contact Lens

December 12, 2006

I never posted a Thanksgiving blog post like oh-so-many bloggers, in which I list all the things I’m thankful for, making sure to include entries like “Plan B over the counter” and “[favorite brand of alcohol].”

But nearly every morning since Thanksgiving, I’ve woken up and thought about how I really should’ve expressed thankfulness for contact lenses.

Is there really a cooler invention? I mean, glasses are pretty life-changing. I got mine in the fourth grade, and was shocked — shocked, I say — on the car ride home to look out the backseat window and up at a big office building, and to see a potted plant in a window over ten stories up! It had fronds! I had had no idea it was possible to see detail that far away.

I think that for many years after the invention of glasses (Marco Polo reported seeing many pairs of glasses in China as early as 1275), a person would simply try some different ones and pick the ones that allowed him to see the best. Then we became able to diagnose poor vision more precisely and prescribe the exact lens strength/curvature needed. Okay, awesome.

Somewhere at the point where we became able to make lenses little tiny and invisible and out of some kind of flexible, porous plastic such that they can be safely applied directly to the eyeball and removed at will — but nevertheless in nearly the variety and specificity of prescriptions of glasses — allowing not only Benjamin Franklin to edit the Pennsylvania Gazette but also allowing those with poor vision to pursue careers as runway models and Ultimate Fighting Champions — well, that’s when we far exceeded the point of mere awesomeness and moved towards an era in which I write earnest odes on my otherwise non-earnest blog in praise of the contact lens.

I have 20/400 vision (which means that 95% of digital alarm clocks don’t have numbers large enough for me to read from my bed without picking up the clock and moving it to within 12 inches of my face), which means on the few occasions in junior high or high school when something happened to my glasses and I had to get home without them, someone had to lead me to the right bus. Dorktastic!

This never happens to me now. (Not least because I rarely ride school buses).

I got my first pair of contacts in college, when I started boxing. At first, I wore glasses during drills, and then just took them off for actual fighting, figuring that even my 20/400 vision still allowed me to see big red gloves coming at my head. Which, indeed, it did. Except without the benefits of any depth perception whatsoever. Contacts aided this situation greatly (although they couldn’t quite compensate for the fact that I’m no Laila Ali).

FYI, boxing is kind of stupid because you get hit in the eyes, which kind of potentially defeats the coolness of corrective lenses.

In conclusion, I am thankful for Acuvue two-week disposable contact lenses. And also for no longer having to ride the school bus.

Posted by jen | Filed Under Jen says 

Comments

6 Responses to “An Ode to the Contact Lens”

  1. mike on December 12th, 2006 5:13 pm

    Amen…

  2. Brian Dziura on December 12th, 2006 8:11 pm

    I am also thankful for my fantastic Focus Night and Day contact lens. I am thankful for the way they allow oxygen to pass right through them so they don’t adhere painfully to the surface of my eyes when I wear them all night at the firehouse.

    I am also thankful I don’t have to wear glasses anymore. I used to break mine all the time. Luckily, I could still find my correct bus at the time. I have a feeling that would not be the case now.

    Mostly, I am thankful that contact lens exist because they allow me to wear very stylish sunglasses without having to have them custom made.

    And firefighters who don’t want to wear contacts actually have to get a special pair of glasses installed inside the mask of their breathing apparatus since regular glasses cannot be worn. That… is dorktastic.

  3. Zombiehellmonkey on December 12th, 2006 9:26 pm

    I completely relate to the story of seeing ‘as if for the first time’; I’m also as blind as a bat whose had it’s nervous system surgically removed by lifeforms from another planet.

    I remember coming home and staring at the carpet patterns for the first time, ‘hey look sis! the carpet has designs on it!’

    Then I remember the early days of contact lenses where it was similar to a ‘Cinderella at the ball’ affair; when lenses weren’t so porous, one was required to be aware of the wear time, or face the blood-shot effects of eye suffocation at late night parties and gigs.

    I have to thank contact lenses for helping to prevent the bridge of my nose from crumbling due to the immense weight of my glasses. Yah.

  4. Lisa Goldstein/Kelly Kelly on December 12th, 2006 10:28 pm

    I can totally relate to this post too. The first time I tried contact lenses, I said, “Wow, I am better looking than I thought.” I don’t mean that in a stuck up way, I was totally serious. I just hadn’t seen my face much before because it was always hidden by huge glasses.

    Lisa

  5. Anonymous on December 12th, 2006 11:01 pm

    I know this is an ode to bloggers with contact lenses. But I have 20/20 vision. My optomologist said I had a slight near sight BUT it wasnt even worth correcting. However, when we hit 50 in my family we are blind as bats. So there you have it

  6. Dave O'Gara on December 13th, 2006 5:10 am

    I could get used to the idea of putting something in my eye at the start of the day. I couldn’t get used to not ever touching my eyes again without having to spend 20 minutes (actual time) trying to get the little diaphram to fit back over my eye.

    Jen said, “I have 20/400 vision”
    Thats the price you pay for having such big peepers I imagine.

Got something to say?