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this Saturday at New York Comedy Club

January 23, 2007

This Saturday, I’ll be appearing in an all-women comedy showcase hosted by April Brucker and starring Clea Wilson, Amy Beckerman, Michelle Youngblood, Lexi Cullen Baker, Nethia Heyward, Christina Galston, Nicky Sunshine, and Joanne Filan. I’ll be finishing off the show.

New York Comedy Club
Saturday, January 27th
E 24th bet. 2nd/3rd
8pm (arrive 7:45 for seating)
$15/two-drink minimum

I shall not fail to point out that the all-women comedy show is taking place on a stage decorated with a mural of Andrew Dice Clay. Precious!

Update: Visit the Comments for the full promotional text, with info about the other ladies and in which the producer calls me “THE WONDER GIRL OF HILARITY!”

doppelganger of the day

January 23, 2007

An important rule of urban etiquette is that you shouldn’t hit on a person for any extended period of time when the person can’t really go anywhere, such as on a crowded train, or working behind a register, or when the person is exercising on an elliptical runner and is thus running, but — inconveniently — not away from you.

The other day I was on an elliptical at the gym and this guy came up to me and put his hand on my machine (the nerve!), and I thought he was going to be annoying, but instead he wanted to tell me I looked like Shelley Duvall.

And here is Shelley:
A big-eyed portrait.

Screaming like a banshee in The Shining

As Olive Oyl in Popeye. Now I’m ready
for Halloween. I could totally pull that off.
Thanks, gym-guy!

The Dewars Debate Video Play-by-Play

January 22, 2007

Here are some screenshots from the YouTube video of the debate I did for Vice Magazine, with explanatory captions.

I swear this is me. This is the pre-debate interview.
Just like we used to box before Lincoln-Douglas debates in high school.

The camera crew got me a little drunk for this.

I am infallible!

I have a title card! I will fuck shit up!

Product placement shot. I sit so demurely
next to a bottle of Dewars.

I had imagined I would be standing behind a podium.
If I had known it was a seated debate on a raised stage,
I wouldn’t have dressed like Leggy McLeggerson.

Dr. Stanton Friedman is a nuclear physicist who
believes in UFOs. He was very nice.

That doesn’t mean he isn’t batshit-crazy.

I will cut you with my Occam’s Razor!

The debate was actually about forty minutes long.
(The video is about six minutes, including the musical intro).
I am fucking shit up!

The part in which I suggest that Cold War spy operations
were responsible for many UFO sightings made it into the
video. A coincidence that flying saucers sightings happened
contemporaneously to human development of satellites, Communist
paranoia, and popular obsession with space and technology?

I got some good closing words in there about UFO sightings
being best explained by combination of fabrication, delusion,
and misperception of prosaic events. Of course, Stanton had a
ten-minute slideshow of flying saucer photos, blacked-out
government documents, and, weirdly, photos of dirt samples.

A little alien invasion never hurt anyone.
And then there was the drinking.
Go here to watch the video for yourself.

Jen debating for Vice Magazine

January 20, 2007

Remember this?

The video (of the time I debated nuclear physicist and UFO alarmist Stanton Friedman) is finally online!

This six minute video doesn’t exactly encompass the structure or force of the arguments made in a forty-minute debate, but it’s still fun to look at.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DN81LZmVgTQ]
Watch Jen assert and contend in skeptical fashion
(and also, there’s a Rocky-style musical boxing intro)

Mondays, your ass is mine

January 20, 2007

Monday…
<!––>
The Williamsburg Spelling Bee
Monday, January 22nd
Sign up at 7, compete at 7:30
Pete’s Candy Store, 709 Lorimer St. in Williamsburg

The bee is back, in its fifth season. A real adult spelling bee, open to all. Compete for bar tab and a slot in the June 11th finals.

Next Monday…

Monday Evening Stand-Up at Pete’s
Monday, January 29th
Pete’s Candy Store, 709 Lorimer St. in Williamsburg
7:30pm
Free candy, no cover

Starring comic (and erstwhile male impersonator) Sue Ball, and also featuring Josh Jackson, Bobby Mitchell, Brent Sullivan, and Kimmy Gatewood.

"semi-nudity modeling"

January 18, 2007

Sometimes, friends and strangers send me Craigslist postings they think I might be interested in (see previous post). “Hair model needed.” Okay. “Seeking humor writer for cable show.” Great. “Strong woman needed to kick men in the balls.” Not so much. Here’s the latest:

sushi/food models for private event

Must be a mature/responsible beautiful vivacious woman who is comfortable with her well toned body to be used to exhibit various sushi/food items for corporate party event with private chef.

Must have clear skin complexion (no blemishes/break outs), minimal tattoos, no body piercings, prefer natural breasts vs. breast enhancements/implants, clean shavened, no body odor, no perfumes, not shy, friendly disposition, great sense of humour, can hold a conversation, be sexy, be an actress, a little dancin/hip shakin.

Semi-nude required but will be covered with banana leaves, please have your breast body painted & nicely decorated.

Must be comfortable & have had some experience with semi-nudity modeling.

Wouldn’t the “dancing/hip shakin” result in a loss of sushi? Are you supposed to come to the audition with “breast body painted & nicely decorated”? Also, I think it would be easier to mound sushi on top of some rock-solid breast implants than on actual breasts.

DailyComedy

January 17, 2007

FYI – I’m a guest star right now on DailyComedy (my little icon is on the front page under “guest stars”).

My comedy “stage” on the site is here, although if you’ve been reading the blog, you’ve seen all the jokes that are up there. So you might want to click on some other comics’ little heads while you’re at it.

what kind of merciful god made fresh cherries a diet food?

January 17, 2007

I am so very excited about the two strips of turkey bacon and an apple I’m about to eat.

Here, once again, is a photo of my abs in college:

Not that my abs themselves have a degree. You know what I mean.

Week of Monday, Jan. 15: Jen does the news

January 16, 2007

Welcome to our regular bi-weekly, post-comedy-show feature, “Jen does the news!” Here’s my opening news segment from last night’s show:

Following a racially charged outburst from comedian and former Seinfeld actor Michael Richards, the “n” word is now banned at Hollywood’s Laugh Factory. In response to charges of censorship, the club reminds patrons that comics are encouraged to call women “cunts” up to 35 times per set.

MySpace has announced the launch of its French edition. Millions of American men facetiously thanked the multinational corporation for once and for all de-bonerizing the idea of come-ons from slutty young French girls.

The struggling Iraqi government was embarrassed at the leaking of a video of Saddam’s execution, showing the former dictator’s being taunted by Shiite witnesses, guards, and executioners. Prime Minster Nouri al-Maliki attempted to deflect attention from the leak by pointing out that there are many more interesting things to look at on Youtube, including Britney Spears’ vagina, and a video of a small dog shitting on Kurdistan.

On Monday, Saddam’s half-brother Barzan Hassan was decapitated during his hanging, which the Iraqi government was quick to declare an accident. Hassan was convicted of killing 148 people. According to the new Iraqi constitution, if the number’s under 150, you get to keep the head.

In related news, witnesses to Monday’s executions of Saddam’s accomplices all signed pledges promising “no taunting,” and indeed, the hangings took place in silence. Witnesses also pledges not to push Sunnis off of playground swings, or perform a move loosely translated as “the wedgie of genocide.”

Martin Luther King Day was met in South Carolina by protests both for and against the Confederate flag flying at the statehouse. At first peaceful, the protest turned violent when pro-flag demonstrators demanded that anti-flag demonstrators make them some collard greens.

New York twittered at news that skinny girls who faint from extreme dieting are the cause of a substantial number of subway delays. A representative from pro-anorexia website Gossamer Butterfly Self-Cutting Death Princess says “People with no legs slow down the bus all the time, and you don’t hear anyone getting on their case about it.”

eggs, scrambled a bit

January 16, 2007

I’ve got a new gig interviewing egg donors for the agency I donated eggs through in 2005. I’m on the lookout for intelligent, attractive women under 29, although not for the same reasons some of my readers might be

In related news, the Abraham Center of Life has started some controversy by selling — instead of the services of egg donors and surrogates — ready-made embryos through the mail.

Pro-lifers are calling this a “brave new world,” and other critics have expressed distaste for would-be parents’ predilection for potentially blue-eyed, blonde-haired embryos. Here’s the part that seems a little funny to me:

The Center also says that it screens egg and sperm donors for clean medical backgrounds. Recipient parents also get photos of donors as infants, and sometimes as adults. From diverse ethnic backgrounds, most male donors have doctorate degrees, and most female donors have had some college.

Er … more women than men graduate from college these days. Why such lower standards? A PhD versus “some college”? It’s not like intelligence is passed on genetically through male genes and good looks through female genes.

if it were Snow White and the EIGHT dwarves, you’d have one called…

January 16, 2007

There is a new search engine for people over 50, called Cranky.

It lists only four results per page, targeted for the AARP set. Here’s what people over 50 are most interested in right now:

Make new friends from home with arthritis sex!

today: MLK Day

January 15, 2007

January 15th has been Martin Luther King, Jr. Day every year since 1983, except in Virginia, where I grew up.

There, until the year 2000, we celebrated “Lee-Jackson-King Day,” because apparently adding the names of Confederate generals to King’s holiday made the day more acceptable to absolute assholes.

Notably, Virginians also let Jews out of work for Yom Kippur-Arafat’s birthday-Mein Kampf book club day.

my laser hair removal saga, part II

January 15, 2007

I had my second laser hair removal appointment this weekend (go here for my account of the first), but I’m never going back to that place.

The angry Russian man who works at the counter looked up my name in an index card filebox and then tried to charge my nearly twice what I paid last time. When I questioned this, he shrugged in a mobster-like fashion and said “Eh … special introductory rates.”

I said “What’s to stop me then from going around town and doing everybody’s special introductory rates?”

He sized me up for an uncomfortably long ten seconds, shrugged, and said “Okay.”

I paid (the same price as last time). Marina wasn’t working; a different Russian woman zapped off my socially unacceptable body hair.

“I turn it up,” she said. “More power, more results.” Fine by me. Laser hair removal gives kind of the same pain rush that I’ve heard people get from tattooing. Except I think being hairless will look better when you’re 80 than your tattoos probably will.

Just after leaving the laser hair place to which I will never return (salons do not need angry male bouncers), I went to the gym.

Right above the Bally’s front desk was an enormous picture of a woman lifting weights. You could kind of see a five o’clock shadow in her enormously enlarged underarm. Beauty tip of the day: Laser. If no laser, Photoshop.

Tonight: shot through the heart, and you’re to blame

January 15, 2007

I sent out some emails for tonight’s show, but then as soon as I sent them I got Stickerbook’s email and I liked theirs better, so I’m posting it here.

Tonight! Some of you may have had MLK day off today, in which case you should definitely see Stickerbook tonight.

You woke up around noon, and walked around your apartment all day in your underwear and drank milk out of the carton, itched yourself. So after you’re done with that, it’ll be around 6 pm and you’ll say “What happened to the day?” and then you’ll say “Oh Stickerbook is playing tonight. They are very refreshing. I should see them” And then you’ll put on your pants, pat your dog on the head, walk out the door and go to Pete’s Candy Store.

And Stickerbook will say “Well done, Sir/Madam”.

Monday Evening Stand-Up at Pete’s
Monday, January 15th
Pete’s Candy Store, 709 Lorimer St. in Williamsburg
7:30pm.
Free candy, no cover.

Comedy show hosted by Jenisfamous, starring musical comedy stars Stickerbook, “NY’s most kickass all-lady cover band as imagined by a 10 year old girl,” and also featuring Dustin D’Addato, Randy Epley, Nick Turner, and Charles Star.

Stickerbook is saying “Welcome to the
jungle, baby, you gonna die!”

an email to my brother

January 11, 2007

Dear Brian,

Due to an HTML error, your MySpace page currently reads:

Currently, I’m living with my fiance Jennifer. .. width=”425″ height=”350″>

I don’t know what kind of units you’re using, but she certainly doesn’t LOOK wider than she is tall.

(Longtime readers will recognize the counterfeit Jen Dziura as a recurring character).

My brother blames this all on what happens when you try to put a YouTube video on a MySpace page, which is apparently HTML mayhem.

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