The Tour: Monday and Tuesday

February 28, 2007

Cross-posted from Molly and Jen’s Tour Blog:

And now, I present you with photographs, in rough chronological order, much like the multiple choice questions on the AP US History exam.

From my show on Monday at New Orleans-themed bar, The Red & The Black:





The Palace of Wonders is a vaudeville and sideshow-themed venue which, amazingly, happens to be directly next door to The Red & The Black, which neither of us knew when we booked our shows. From Molly’s Dr. Sketchy’s on Tuesday at The Palace of Wonders with Amber Ray (who took the bus down from New York and will be here til Friday):





Look, we’re not saying we’re good photographers. World, listen to us: our job is to BE photographed! How did this happen that we’re taking photos of each other’s with my circa 1997 digital camera? OTHER people are supposed to do that and then email us impossibly flattering photos of ourselves. If you have a degree in a subject that ends in the word “theory,” come along and “other” us.

To conclude, here are some things I have learned so far:

  • Free red beans and rice with two-drink minimum is a fantastic policy for a bar. Several times throughout Monday night, I’d see someone look over at someone else’s food and say “Rrr, one more drink and that’ll be free!” (I’m pretty sure you could buy two drinks for less than the price of buying the red beans and rice outright)

  • In DC, many streets are named with letters and numbers, which implies a logical grid system. There is, in fact, a logical grid system. However, if you are accustomed to New York’s different but also logical grid system, in which, for instance, if you go west on E 42nd St, it will turn into W 42nd St., you will be very disappointed when you, in your Ford Taurus rental, drive east on 12th St NW hoping to get to 12th St NE.

  • Even burlesque dancers’ areolas are not immune from body makeup.

-Jen

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Tonight! My show has free red beans & rice.

February 26, 2007

Washington, D.C.:

Monday, February 26th
Jennifer Dziura’s Comedy Rock Star Sex Party

Jennifer Dziura hosts a raucous late-night of comedy, grooves by Monstertail and Death by Sexy, and burlesque dance numbers from Molly Crabapple.

The Red and the Black
1212 H St NE, Washington, DC
9pm
$8, free red beans & rice with 2-drink minimum


Molly and I take D.C. by storm — wait, that’s cliché — we take D.C. by sexblizzard for four straight days! I do a solo show on Wednesday. Check Molly’s schedule here.

I have sexy new glasses.

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I leave tomorrow morning, with slightly more layered hair

February 26, 2007

Today I visited the salon where my poster hangs in the window (as blogged about in this post from 2004), and, pleasantly, the young man at the front desk recognized me right away.

“Jennifer!” he said, and then I proceeded to be able to get a rockin’, oh-so-efficient haircut late on a Sunday night before I leave on tour.

More than one person has insisted on taking my picture outside in front of the poster before, which is pretty dorky, but I thought it would’ve been much cooler if anyone walking by had noticed that the chick getting her hair cut on the other side of the glass was the same chick in hair extensions ad eight feet away.

Note to other chick in salon: I can’t believe you brought your boyfriend in to keep you company while you got your upper lip waxed! If I needed to have my upper lip waxed, I would have it done in KGB-level secrecy and never, ever mention it.

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thanks for all the D.C. love

February 23, 2007

A big thanks to Amanda from CreativeDC.org for posting my show. Amanda performs in the Jinx Improv group, which you might check out if you’re down in the land of (otherwise) Very Serious People Legislating Things.

The show is also on the D.C. Arts Center’s website, has a miniscule mention in the Washington City Paper and appears on DCStandup.com, which is a great site run by Chris White, about whom I previously blogged in regards to his standup about ancient Sumeria.

This show is also notable in that an appearance by my hulking, firefighting giant of a little brother, a recurring character on this blog and in the comments, is expected. If a fire breaks out, he’ll be ready. Well, ready to call the guys with the truck.

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today’s update, from command central (i.e., my bedroom)

February 22, 2007

Today I have been at home conducting press interviews in my pajamas (the Virginian Pilot and the Penn State Collegian), cooking split pea soup, and sending out contracts for a test-prep book I’m editing. Here’s some new stuff:

  • Tour information for Norfolk has been updated here.

  • I posted to my own comments here, and my mother posted here.
  • Someone invited me to join a MySpace group called “We HATE cut dudes.” It’s full of a bunch of gay guys. Um, thanks!
  • I sent some fun girly items to female soldiers in Iraq because Bust magazine told me to, and one of them wrote back! More on this later.

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egg story update

February 21, 2007

Here I am in yesterday’s amNY:


Nice headline, hmmn?

Also, the story’s been picked up by Salon’s Broadsheet.

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more shaved-headed Jen

February 21, 2007

In reference to the Britney’s shaved head post below, someone posted this in the comments:


Is this, er … fan art? The person responsible also mysteriously Photoshopped sleeves onto my tank top. Apparently greater modesty is required to compensate for the newly-exposed cranial surface area.

That’s also not my actual ear (of course, how could it be?), although it’s good Photoshop work — you wouldn’t know that unless you were me or my mother. (Hi Mom!)

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it’s a bit nipply in this experiment

February 21, 2007

The American Psychological Association’s Task Force on the Sexualization of Girls released a report saying that being constantly bombarded by images of scantily clad, sexualized females has a detrimental psychological effect on girls. In one study mentioned in the report:

…college students were put into dressing rooms and asked to “try on and evaluate” either sweaters or bathing suits. Then the subjects were left alone for 10 minutes, while still wearing the sweaters or the bathing suits, and asked to complete a math test. The women wearing swimsuits did “significantly worse” than their sweater-wearing counterparts; among men, there was no difference in performance. The APA concludes that this study demonstrates that “thinking about the body and comparing it to sexualized cultural ideals disrupted mental capacity” — which happens more frequently in young women than in men.

You think maybe they were just … cold?

My memory of the quadratic equation goes out the window when I’m wearing a bikini at Macy’s.

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THIS is what the evangelicals were concerned about this whole time

February 21, 2007

We can now use stem cells to enhance women’s breast size.

Get to the back of the research line, Parkinson’s patients! Shake all you want!

In the article, Japanese doctors claim they’ve “treated” over 40 patients with no serious complications, and that the results are more natural than the results from breast implants. (Can you say “treated” if there was nothing wrong with the patients in the first place?)

The non-Japanese experts in the article worried that the procedure would create a lumpy effect. Adam Searle, past president of British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons, said: “The stem cell ’soup’ is too non-specific to really focus on what you want.”

There’s some kind of “soup to nuts” joke here, except what we want is apparently “soup to boobs.”

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the one in which we weigh in on Britney’s shaved head

February 20, 2007

If you are female and are going to shave your head, you need to have a pretty rockin’ bone structure. In order for this to happen, you basically have to not be fat. I’m sorry, but it’s true — if you happen to possess a rockin’ bone structure, but have extra head-fat, you will not look good with a shaved head.

Join me now for a brief photo-tour of shaved-headed women.

While Demi currently looks great with hair, she looked completely amazing without it:

…in part because she could do this:

Sigourney Weaver fought off enormous aliens and sacrificed herself to save humanity. She has excellent bone structure:

Natalie Portman could not fight off alien bacteria, much less fully-grown aliens, nor do I think she could do any kind of push-ups, certainly not one-armed pushups, and if she were admitted to SEAL training, all of the other SEALs, instead of hazing her, would declare her a magical pixie princess and go off to capture a golden sword or something to restore the kingdom, and it would all become a totally different movie. Apparently V for Vendetta was pretty bad, but Natalie still has a pretty little head, and it’s fine if she temporarily looks like the prettiest of all the alien pixie queens:

*sigh* Britney, I’m not saying you couldn’t have pulled this off after you got into fighting shape. If it is in fact the case that you will ever be in fighting shape again. Of course, it’s not even worth rebuking Britney these days.

Here’s how I know of what I speak:

Bad idea! Self-rebuke in place!

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you can’t make an omelette appear in a wire story without breaking some eggs

February 20, 2007

In response to the egg donation article below, I received this letter (identifying info removed):

Hi, Jen,

I am a doctor lawyer in [metropolitan area] who graduated Phi Beta Kappa from [fancy school] and then graduated from [another fancy school]’s Law and Medical Schools.

Instead of serving as an egg donor, ever think of meeting someone nice and getting married and having children? It is great that you got a perfect 1600 on your SATs but my scores are also quite high.

If you would like to get together for coffee or dinner let me know.

[name, M.D. J.D.]

Well, I don’t even know what to say, except that donating eggs for money and having someone else raise children you never meet is almost completely unlike getting married and having children and raising them yourself. I can confirm this with my mom anytime.

You like working as a chef? Why not stay home with me and make dinner and we’ll eat it ourselves and then you don’t get paid?

Okay, that’s not the greatest analogy. Why don’t you take a crack at it in the comments?

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cat in a box

February 19, 2007

What’s any blog without gratuitous cat photography?


For those of you following news on the tour (scroll down for tour dates), I should have Norfolk settled in the next day or so, and I may be adding Greensboro, NC. I’m also hitting Ohio and L.A. in April and Portland, Oregon in July.

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Buy My Eggs, Have Kids With Enormous Vocabularies

February 19, 2007

Seriously, I’m in an AP article this morning, by Martha Irvine.

Click for article
I wouldn’t call myself an “aspiring comedian and model” (more like just a regular comedian and former model), but I think the whole thing is really very nice, and I’m flattered to be the lede on this thing. With photos*, no less!

Update: This story got picked up and is being debated on Feministing. Thanks, Iscah!

* Photo credit: Adam Rountree. If there’s another Addams Family movie, I am sooo auditioning.

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The Tour! D.C., Winston-Salem, Durham, Norfolk & Baltimore

February 17, 2007

February 26th – March 7th, I’m heading south on tour with Miss Molly Crabapple. No comment on the sleeping arrangements ;) Her schedule is here; mine is below.

Washington, D.C. (two shows!):

Monday, February 26th
Jennifer Dziura’s Comedy Rock Star Sex Party

Jennifer Dziura hosts a raucous late-night of comedy, grooves by Monstertail and Death by Sexy, and burlesque dance numbers from Molly Crabapple.

The Red and the Black
1212 H St NE, Washington, DC
9pm
$8, free red beans & rice with 2-drink minimum

Wednesday, February 28th
What Philosophy Majors Do After College

In her hour-plus solo show, Jen starts off with “The History of Western Philosophy in Fifteen Minutes,” and then expounds comedically on what one does with a degree in philosophy. In her case, stints as an art school model, a professional contraceptive tester, a failed dot-com entrepreneur, and finally, a comedian telling grammar jokes in Wonder Woman underpants.

D.C. Arts Center
2438 18th St. NW
7:30pm
$10

Winston-Salem, N.C.:

Saturday, March 3rd
Camel City Showcase

The Garage
110 W. 7th Street
Winston-Salem, NC
Music by The Malamandos, Viva La Venus, and 220 Short with special appearances by caberet, burlesque and comic performers Foxy Moxy, Molly Crabapple and Jen Dziura
8pm
$5

Raleigh-Durham, N.C.:

Sunday, March 4th
A Triple Threat of Subversive Women Who Will Eat Your Brain

A cult classic about strippers who kill men with their bare hands, a burlesque dancer turned authoress, and a comedian in Wonder Woman underpants, all in one day.

305 South Anti-Mall
305 South Dillard St., Durham
2pm – movie
4pm – Molly’s book signing and mini Dr. Sketchy’s
7pm – Jen’s comedy show
All free.

Norfolk, VA:

Monday, March 5th
Jennifer Dziura Appears at The Boot
123 W 21st St, Norfolk / 757-627-BOOT
8pm
$5 at the door
Followed by musical performances from Larkin Grimm and Marissa Nadler.

Baltimore, MD (workshop + show!):

Tuesday, March 6th
Stand-Up Workshop With Jen Dziura
$20. RSVP to seminar@jenisfamous.com

Click to enlarge

Wednesday, March 7th
What Philosophy Majors Do After College

In her hour-plus solo show, Jen starts off with “The History of Western Philosophy in Fifteen Minutes,” and then expounds comedically on what one does with a degree in philosophy. In her case, stints as an art school model, a professional contraceptive tester, a failed dot-com entrepreneur, and finally, a comedian telling grammar jokes in Wonder Woman underpants.

Sponsored by Original Sin Cider — free with admission, ’til it runs out!

Hamilton Arts Collective
5440 Harford Road (third floor)
Baltimore, MD
(443)653-2120
Doors at 7:40pm, show at 8:00pm
$10

New York, NY:

Monday, March 12th
Jen’s Return to New York Show!
Featuring Greg Barris, Katina Corrao, Joe Pontillo, Federico Garduno, and Abby Rosin.

Pete’s Candy Store
709 Lorimer St., Williamsburg
7:30
As always: five comics, free candy, no cover. Hosted by Jenisfamous.

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Jenisfamous High School Week: Day Five

February 16, 2007

To recap: I bought a really cool scanner, scanned about 50 pounds of paper and tossed out the originals. In the process, I discovered a big stack of documents left over from high school, which I have been sharing on the blog for the past week.

So, here’s a little bit of backstory.

In ninth grade, at Frank W. Cox High School in Virginia Beach, Virgina, I took a (required) biology class with one Mr. Perrenot.

Mr. Perrenot was a Vietnam veteran who enjoyed telling jokes about men having sex with one another in prison. It was often the same joke over and over, with a few details changed, ultimately leading to the same “Do like pizza? Yes! Then you’ll love Thursday! Do you like sex with other men? No! Then you won’t like Friday!”

Mr. Perrenot also:

  • Responded to a girl’s complaint about dissecting animals — she didn’t want to dissect something that had been killed just for that purpose — by bringing in roadkill, on a cookie sheet, and asking her to “dissect” that, instead.

  • Made us watch a video of an arthroscopic knee surgery, even though we were in the middle of a unit on cellular biology, just because it was “disgusting” and “the girls hate it.” He said he’d deduct points if anyone looked away.
  • Complained that we used to be able to prick our fingers and look at our blood under the microscope in class, until gay people and AIDS ruined it for everyone.

The artifact I have here is the front page of my report on cholera.

We were studying infectious diseases, and Mr. Perrenot told us we would be writing a paper, and then he proceeded to walk, slowly and with some pleasure, around the room with a clipboard on which he had personally assigned a disease to each student.

“You have … malaria,” he would say. “You have … gonorrhea.”

I got cholera. We were told in no uncertain terms that any report submitted must have images, as graphic as possible, to receive an A.

This was before the internet was really very useful, so I xeroxed my photos from the encyclopedia and glue-sticked them to this cover sheet. One shows a dehydrated Indian child, the other a dirty well.

I received an A.

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