An open letter to men who yell things at women on the street

March 30, 2007

Dear men who yell things at women on the street,

Obviously, it is not okay to say “Nice tits!” or “Nice ass!” or “Come over here and get raped now!” Sometimes you say those things anyway, but you and I both know they are wrong.

However, I would like to discuss some of your comments that fall into the gray area.

“That is a very nice dress, ma’am.” Assuming you are saying this in any normal tone of voice and not, you know, inching closer with a knife, this is fine by me. For real. Sometimes it is in fact okay to say things to strangers.

“Hey, are you married?” This is an East Harlem special. The implication that, if I am not married, I would want to go out with you, is a prime example of The Fallacy of False Dichotomy.

“You’re pretty — why don’t you smile more often?” This is the one I really want to talk about. For real? I should’ve been smiling … just now? While walking down the street by myself? Carrying groceries? On my way home? WHO THE FUCK SMILES ALL THE TIME FOR NO FUCKING REASON? Bipolar people in their manic phases? Seriously, most women, much like you, maintain a fairly neutral facial expression while walking down the street and not talking to anyone. Were you just smiling at the air in the moments before you saw me and suggested that I should be smiling? No? Among people and animals, a smile is often a sign of submission. Why don’t you smile more often?

In closing, I would like to say that I am aware that you, men who yell things at women on the street, don’t read my blog. Yes, I know.

-Jen

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dreaming people are dumb

March 29, 2007

So, I had a dream in which a young man I know killed himself and mailed me his own head in a box.

It wasn’t until I woke up that I had my Law and Order moment and brilliantly deduced that foul play must have been involved, because a person cannot commit suicide and then subsequently pack up his own head and mail it to you.

The box was beautifully decorated with poetry (dark poetry, of course) and had several heavy, turnable “pages” of art before one got to the head. Like a really nice CD or something. But with a head for a CD.

How fucking weird is that?

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that is my tiny head in this magazine

March 29, 2007

The spelling bee is in the April 2007 issue of Budget Travel magazine, which is much sexier than it sounds.




Update: Come to the Williamsburg Spelling Bee on April 2, 16th, or 30th. Signup at 7, bee at 7:30. Free and open to all.

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inc*st is best, hmmn?

March 29, 2007

Dear Spammers,

I know you’ve had to get very clever in order to get past my spam filters to try to sell me penis hardeners and enlargers. I appreciate your diligent circumvention that has ensured that we preserve this daily bond we have. You have offered to sell me V*&gra to better “schtup” my “broad”, and you have promised to enhance my “member” to please “dames.” I especially admire your retro sex-talk — how demure, how quaint!

But today’s missive offering me the chance to “add three inches to your little brother” was just wrong. Wrong.

Thank you,
Jen

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lamest celebrity sighting ever

March 29, 2007

I saw Matthew Lesko at the corner of 34th and Park. He was dragging a wheeled suitcase with a big dollar sign attached to it. He had dollar signs on other parts of his clothes as well. I’m not sure what they were attached with.


I’d rather have seen Kate Hudson jogging or something.

Lesko was wearing the dreaded … purple gardening clogs.

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treating women like children who can’t handle advertising (again)

March 28, 2007

The Spanish government is making fatter mannequins for the purpose of socially engineering its populace to stop thinking that thin women are fashionable. They’re bringing in some Homeland-Security-type technology to determine the mannequins’ proportions:

Using laser-fitted booths that can take 130 measurements of a body in 30 seconds, the Health Ministry is fanning out across the country to assess the sizes of Spanish women…. The manufacturers’ garments will then reflect the dimensions of real women, not catwalk waifs.

Bear in mind that this is not a STORE doing this. It’s the Socialist government.

(Incidentally, fashion in larger sizes doesn’t have to be government-mandated. Torrid is doing just fine in a laissez-faire economy, because their clothes are hot, and people like their advertising).

Now, Spain is not a particularly obese country, but imagine if you did this body-imaging and averaging business in the U.S.? Simply because something is “average” does not make it “normal” or “good” or “healthy.” I’m not sure whether to call this a Fallacy of Middle Ground or just, you know, paternalistic government.

And may I add: can you even imagine any government thinking it has a responsibility to initiate a feelings-changing campaign regarding men’s self-esteem?

Isn’t is a little infantilizing that the state would need to protect women’s oh-so-delicate feelings from advertising? Do we have campaigns to make men who can’t afford big manly offroad-terrain-demolishing SUVs feel better about that? Maybe a campaign picturing “real men” of average incomes driving average cars. Lay off the advertising, people: we’re destroying our nation’s men! Um, no. We can all handle it. It’s a free market; if you don’t like the advertising, don’t buy the product. If lots of other people do seem to like the advertising, well, that’s why it’s there. And we’re done!

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comedian contest: wildcard spot at Pete’s

March 27, 2007

Henceforth, when I have an available spot at the comedy show at Pete’s, I’m going to give it away in a contest on the blog.

The fine print: While many of the readers of this blog are quite funny, this is a contest for (New York-based) stand-up comedians. You must have a website or MySpace page that clearly indicates that you have performed comedy before. You also cannot have performed at Pete’s in the last three months or already be booked for an upcoming spot. By entering, you give permission for your entry and name to be published on this blog. The winner of this challenge wins a spot in the April 23rd show.

Now that that’s settled, here’s the challenge!

Compose a short story of at least three sentences in which a child is admonished to stop eating an inedible object, and instead turns to a life of philosophy and self-abnegation.

Deadline is Tuesday, April 3rd. Email to jen - at - jenisfamous.com

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she must be Irish

March 26, 2007

Being fashionably thin is one thing, but this model in the New York Times fashion spread is so hungry, she is about to eat a baby.

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Momisfamous Part II

March 26, 2007

My mom loves panda bears, so I sent her a link to this page of baby panda photos. Look how tiny a newborn panda is! Now think about this — a 120 lb. woman has to give birth to, say, an 8 lb. baby, while a 600 lb. panda only has to give birth to a 5 oz. baby! Unfair! Childbirth must be a walk in the park! Mom wrote:

Dear Jen,
They don’t really have it that easy. I’ve seen two films showing pandas giving birth. They get no human assistance, but they can lick the part that hurts. There are always tradeoffs.
Love Mom

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Maude

March 23, 2007

I sent my Mom <a HREF=”http://www.kansascity.com/mld/kansascity/entertainment/16911865.htm”>this article (thanks, Feministing) about Bea Arthur’s 1970s sitcom Maude, which, according to the Kansas City Star, is far too liberal to have made it on TV today. (Maude actually had an abortion on the series, whereas today, even on Sex and the City, characters boldly contemplate abortion, and then, every time, decide to have the baby, or else have conveniently-timed miscarriages). My mom wrote back:

I love the article about Maude. Maude and Archie Bunker were two of the most socially relevant, ground breaking shows of their time. Maude was introduced as Edith’s cousin in season 2 on Archie. She was on more than once and of course, Archie HATED her. I remember the shows because they were different than anything else on tv and they were hilarious. The show Maude was a spinoff.

Maude actually influenced how girls dressed when I was in jr high and high school. In a time when girls wore their mini skirts one day and their maxi skirts the next, Maude made a statement of her own. If you wanted to look confident you wore a midi vest over your white shirt and pants. I had one.

It was discussed, that the Maude character was perhaps less than feminine, a secret lesbian, and/or a symbol of a liberal agenda. It was the “powerful women are always evil” mindset. Maude always said it straight and Archie always made you see your prejudices for what they were. They did it first and they did it well. These were the shows that made lasting impressions on a generation…mine.

Love Mom

I’ve suggested it before, but I think it’s time for a Momisfamous.com blog.

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